Am I being unreasonable here?

(I find)

Jezra, some people just don't 'do' presents. Some families, like mine, only get presents for children. The best way to get exactly what you want, O find, is to buy it yourself. It's the quality of relationships, year round, that matters, not presents.

You've let him get away with it for far too long. I understand you might think he would follow your good example but it sounds like he has some deep-seated resentments.
I think you'll have to speak your mind. Unless you don't want to hear him, I think you should because he's sounding like an over-entitled arsehole.

You say in the o/p “If I don’t request we have a holiday he wouldn’t bother so the only way I can get a break is to also book something for his birthday”

If he isn’t too bothered about a holiday, then it follows that all the holiday arrangements fulfil your needs and not his. I would take a guess that the holiday location etc is your choice?

I can’t believe the number of women on here who don’t actually SPEAK to their husbands. Women who have put up with stuff they don’t like, enjoy or approve of. Why? We aren’t a lesser species you know.

@jezra - we always have a weekend away before Christmas (restrictions permitting!) which we go halves on then exchange one or two very small presents on Christmas Day. DH is not the most thoughtful or generous but he cooks lovely meals and helps in the house/DIY which is lovely.
Think you DH rather mean unless he has other redeeming features

Has he always been like this?
I think that if I was doing the booking for anything, I'd make sure that it was somewhere that I wanted to go for holidays, meals, whatever and tell him that was what you were doing and why.
My parents decided not to bother with giving each other presents - I think after my dad gave my mum a vacuum cleaner one Christmas - despite the fact that she needed one as he had used the motor to fix the spin dryer!
I think that we have all been guilty at some time of expecting our partners, friends and family to be mind readers - unless you tell someone that you are unhappy with the way things are (and many people, not just men are completely obtuse!)how do they know?

No ! Your not unreasonable at all ! He is and I think, whilst you can, you need a good long think about whether you would be happier without him ! Sorry xx

I think he sounds really tight fisted. Has he always been like that or has it happened over the years? Why not discuss it with him, say you prefer things to change. offer to buy your own present and then him pay for it. Of course you will have to buy him one. Do you have children, what do they think. I think you should have nipped it in the bud when it first started.

SueDonim
My very thoughts.

Could you go with a friend and leave him at home?
If he can’t be bothered why should you make arrangements and pay for him?
But the real issue here is that you feel he doesn’t value you or your marriage sufficiently. I had a husband like that - and divorced him.
With OH now presents and cards don’t matter at all, he is kind and loving all the time

I would suggest you get him divorce papers for his birthday next year.

They say it's the thought that counts and by what you say he gives very little thought I'd book a holiday either alone or with a friend and make a point of buying yourself a little luxury item as a Christmas gift to yourself

As I see some of the threads here about husbands/partners.. it never ceases to amaze me..

whether legally married, ie husband, but husbands are or should also be partners..

where ever is the 50/50 partnerships? I certainly had one

Jezra, get a grip luv. He isn't going to change now so you must.! Stop booking holidays and treats as you are just pandering to him. If you both go on holiday then agree between you that you share the expenses, if he doesn't want to do that then book something for yourself and go without him. I would not tolerate my husband searching my handbag or looking through my papers, he sounds paranoid, do as others have suggested and buy a sturdy filing cabinet and keep it locked. Don't have a big row about it, just be civil but firm; not everyone makes a big deal about "presents" and are just happy to buy stuff when they want it. I like to choose what I want myself anyway and my husband is good in many other ways so I suggest you give up on it. Be the adult in the room!!

i find it hard to feel sorry for you Jezza. Because you ve obviously allowed this behaviour/ treatment to go on for all your married life and it’s no good being upset now at something you ve played along with
All this silly holiday payment scheme isn’t anything to do with love, trust or happiness
Why would you be afraid to go away alone because he d go through your things!! goodness me
What life is that ?? Afraid to leave him in the house alone is this really a happy marriage ?
I think a lot more than birthday presents need looking into and sorting out
Are you really happy or is this just the tip of the iceberg

Yes, the searching through your stuff is strange behaviour. A bit weird quite honestly.

I am struggling to understand what you get from continuing this relationship.
He doesnt seem to have any respect or consideration for you.
You dont trust him enough to leave him alone while you go on holiday.
No respect, no trust.
And you settle for this?
Are you happy?
This.... for the rest of your life?

I too can't understand the mine and his money scenario - once we married we pooled our money (initially I earned more than my husband; once he qualified he earned considerably more than me). It's always been 'our' money, works for us.
Why on earth does your husband rifle through your belongings? How very strange.

I always say communication is key. Why not instigate a chat about your grievances at some point nowhere near the birthdays and Christmas? No blame/shame. Just air your thoughts. Tell him you’d like things to be different and ask him if he thinks it’s all gotten a little set in ways? Try to iron out your differences instead of festering and feeling unhappy. Nothing changes until something changes.

Why do people stay married for donkey years and moan about what must be years and years of the same behaviour He’s not going to change now is he ? ?He’s not a present/ surprise person and it needs to be accepted that if you haven’t managed to change him in how many years you won’t ?

If he has no redeeeming features leave him but if he has then accept him As a non present / surprise person
you are not being at all unreasonable in your expectations but you are being totally unreasonable if this is what has always happened for years, if ain’t changing now

Give yourself a birthday present and go away for a weekend with a friend and have some fun
Have a good although presentless Christmas

We usually buy ourselves something we both want , put it under the tree with the rest of the presents and open it on Christmas Day. I know, a bit silly but it works for us. This year it is a new coffee machine, last year it was a fancy clock, the year before a big flatscreen tv ( that one wouldn’t fit under the tree!). I usually give a few ideas for birthday presents because OH hasn’t a clue but my birthday is at Christmas so we keep the cost down.

foxie48 my sentiments exactly. We have been married for 56 years and have never had mine and yours, just ours. Be it money, jobs around the house , child care etc. We don’t buy each other presents because we don’t really need anything and what we need we buy together. All this yours and mine stuff is not very appealing.

It does not take a lot of effort to remember birthdays and anniversaries and get a present, it’s not the value it’s the thought that counts and a bunch of flowers costs peanuts.
He is just mean.

Why do you have to book a break for his birthday? Just book one at a different time and then forget his birthday. OR book one between your birthdays and make it for both birthdays.