Am I being unreasonable here?

This is another thread where information comes to light in subsequent posts which completely changes things. Initially the poster was asking if she was being unreasonable about the gift issue. Then it transpired her husband was going through her personal things and now he is autistic. Completely different advice and help may have been offered if the facts were known

Masking, sorry

If he is in the spectrum, is he learning coping skills?

It doesn't seem his making is very good

nanna8 - he is definitely on the spectrum.

I think just sheer thoughtlessness on his part. I bet he has absolutely no idea of how you are feeling and even if you told him he wouldn’t ‘get’ it. He reminds me of my brother in law and I have often wondered if he is on the spectrum. His ex wife thinks he is. I wouldn’t be paying towards my own present but that is me and perhaps you are so used to it it just kind of happens. Try to talk to him. He obviously has problems with empathy so you will just have to spell it out, loud and clear.

More fool you

I agree you should have a discussion about holidays, birthdays, Christmas, gift giving and other family rituals so that you can tell him why things like that are important to you and you can try to establish why they are not important to him. An undercurrent of resentment is not good for relationships.
It might be possible he was brought up without much fuss being made of these celebrations when he was a child or perhaps in other relationships if he has been married before, rather than him simply being mean. My own birthday falls straight after Xmas, and my parents usually gave me a card on my birthday, with a token gift on the basis that I had recently had Christmas presents and wasn't entitled to expect another gift for my birthday. Even my 18th birthday passed by with just a card, which was a bit of a disappointment, but one I had learned to live with.

That lack of entitlement was so ingrained in me that apart from my own children and grandchildren , I personally don't make much of a fuss about routine adult birthdays. I prefer to give surprise gifts or experiences that do not recreate an obligation to reciprocate.

On the other hand it also might be financial prudence rather than sheer meanness. If you have always had separate finances how are other
costs and household bills shared? Do you have roughly the same amount of disposal income or does he pay for the majority of other household costs? I know that paying for essentials is not the same as a luxury treat, but he might think that counts a lot.

He sounds like a dream!

This reads like two people who happen to live-in same house, not a married/life partnered couple!!!! Why bother? Ditch the bitch and get yourself a guy who actually cares!!!!

I second BlueBelle’s comment …

If this has been going on for several years you can hardly moan about it now, no you aren’t being unreasonable, I couldn’t live with a mean man, I would wonder why my husband felt the need to go through my bag though, but strange

Dickens

VANECAM

Dickens

VANECAM

Yet again so many Gransnet posters, from the evidence of a mere couple of paragraphs, and as if by instinct, reach out for the Divorce button.

The o/p only asks “am I being unreasonable” for goodness sake!

Would these posters give similar advice upon such scant information to their daughters??

If I had a daughter married to a man who behaved long-term as the OP's husband appears to - especially if she caught him riffling through her handbag and checking her filing cabinet (unless he was looking for some important document in a hurry), then yes - I probably would be asking if she was happy to stay in such a relationship with a man who appears to be rather indifferent to his wife's feelings.

Yes, you may well ask your daughter those things - but surely only by invitation.

The o/p on this thread sought no such advice.

The ideas of divorce that has followed has been completely off-script. And quite possibly rather more upsetting to the o/p than the original issue raised by her.

Inevitably, many comments on various issues go "off -script".

If you are going to post on a public forum like this, with a problem like the one the OP has mentioned, then I think it's fairly obvious people will expand on it, because it does raise unanswered questions.

I hope she isn't upset by anyone's reply. I personally didn't suggest divorce, but did say that she needs to 'talk' to her husband - it's quite clear from the details she has given that he's really not treating her with much respect... she caught him going through her personal belongings for goodness' sake, that's awfully disrespectful - on top of the indifference he's showing her.

Your summary is a fair one.

In any event, nobody in their right mind would take such dramatic and costly action upon the advice of people whose own personal life and circumstances are not available for scrutiny.

VANECAM

Dickens

VANECAM

Yet again so many Gransnet posters, from the evidence of a mere couple of paragraphs, and as if by instinct, reach out for the Divorce button.

The o/p only asks “am I being unreasonable” for goodness sake!

Would these posters give similar advice upon such scant information to their daughters??

If I had a daughter married to a man who behaved long-term as the OP's husband appears to - especially if she caught him riffling through her handbag and checking her filing cabinet (unless he was looking for some important document in a hurry), then yes - I probably would be asking if she was happy to stay in such a relationship with a man who appears to be rather indifferent to his wife's feelings.

Yes, you may well ask your daughter those things - but surely only by invitation.

The o/p on this thread sought no such advice.

The ideas of divorce that has followed has been completely off-script. And quite possibly rather more upsetting to the o/p than the original issue raised by her.

Inevitably, many comments on various issues go "off -script".

If you are going to post on a public forum like this, with a problem like the one the OP has mentioned, then I think it's fairly obvious people will expand on it, because it does raise unanswered questions.

I hope she isn't upset by anyone's reply. I personally didn't suggest divorce, but did say that she needs to 'talk' to her husband - it's quite clear from the details she has given that he's really not treating her with much respect... she caught him going through her personal belongings for goodness' sake, that's awfully disrespectful - on top of the indifference he's showing her.

Oh my goodness - l could almost have written this myself - my husband doesn’t really care about my birthday, anniversaries or Christmas - l’ve found it very hurtful over the years (married 42 years) - never felt cherished or particularly loved - although he is a very good, kind & generous father to our 2 daughters. So a few years ago l decided l would get my own gifts and just accept that he has a cold heart when it comes to me. No marriage is perfect - my expectations are now very low - that way l’m not disappointed - although it still stings a little.

Dickens

VANECAM

Yet again so many Gransnet posters, from the evidence of a mere couple of paragraphs, and as if by instinct, reach out for the Divorce button.

The o/p only asks “am I being unreasonable” for goodness sake!

Would these posters give similar advice upon such scant information to their daughters??

If I had a daughter married to a man who behaved long-term as the OP's husband appears to - especially if she caught him riffling through her handbag and checking her filing cabinet (unless he was looking for some important document in a hurry), then yes - I probably would be asking if she was happy to stay in such a relationship with a man who appears to be rather indifferent to his wife's feelings.

Yes, you may well ask your daughter those things - but surely only by invitation.

The o/p on this thread sought no such advice.

The ideas of divorce that has followed has been completely off-script. And quite possibly rather more upsetting to the o/p than the original issue raised by her.

Thanks all. Many good suggestions.

We all need to feel loved and cherished some times in our life. Let him know how you feel otherwise this will fester and one day he may just find you gone !

Divorce him
Your not happy and his sounding a right skinflint x

I so agree !!!

My chap takes me away for my birthday in the Autumn, all expenses paid by him. We chat about the possible venues in advance & agree.
I pay to take him away for his December birthday, all expenses paid. Usually 2 nights with dinner at a good hotel. We’ve just come back, last Monday as it happens.
IF my partner didn’t treat me as described above, I’d just buy some especially good food & cook something at home for us to celebrate. Light a candle, make a lovely meal & leave it at that.
Alternatively I might encourage him to take me out & pay for dinner & I’d do likewise in December.
Your DH doesn’t deserve a thoughtful wife. In your shoes I’d do what another poster has suggested; book somewhere with a friend for a completely unrelated weekend/couple nights away and have some FUN! Leave the miserable old b**ger at home & stop trying to get blood out of the stone! It ain’t working.

VANECAM

Yet again so many Gransnet posters, from the evidence of a mere couple of paragraphs, and as if by instinct, reach out for the Divorce button.

The o/p only asks “am I being unreasonable” for goodness sake!

Would these posters give similar advice upon such scant information to their daughters??

If I had a daughter married to a man who behaved long-term as the OP's husband appears to - especially if she caught him riffling through her handbag and checking her filing cabinet (unless he was looking for some important document in a hurry), then yes - I probably would be asking if she was happy to stay in such a relationship with a man who appears to be rather indifferent to his wife's feelings.

That’s a lovely ending ?

Hi I know how you feel my husband is kind in other ways, but if I didn’t book anything birthday or Christmas he wouldn’t give me anything. Leaves everything to me , wasn’t like that while is was wooing me ?, as a married woman things have definitely gone down hill

Jezra

Thanks@Vanecam. One of the few sensible replies and yes all I asked was if I was being unreasonable.

Most of the replies I've read look pretty sensible.

People are giving a range of opinions, which is inevitable if you pose such a question I think.

I believe you already know you are not being unreasonable - what is unreasonable about wanting your partner to take an interest in you and show you that he cares about you?

That sounds awful to me.

You say you are not cherished, and I would have to agree with you. It sounds so sad.

My late sister escaped a miserable marriage in her early 60s, literally propped a note on the mantlepiece and left. She joined a twinning organisation and went to France where she met a retired bank manager who cherished her. They had nine happy years together till she died.

I hope you find some happiness.