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My Partner Hates My Adult Children

(73 Posts)
LisaP Mon 27-Dec-21 05:26:31

Well I don’t know if hate is too strong a word but she doesn’t like them.
I have three adult children and four grandchildren.
I divorced my children's father after 10 years of marriage. Have had a few partners since but have now been married for 7 years.
My children are 34, 32 & 30
Recently my middle son had a relationship breakdown and came to stay with us for about 6 months. He then found a job and somewhere to live, not far from us. He may come over once or twice a week for dinner.
When he lived with us my partner hated it. Would continue to ask when he was leaving.
He is a nice guy. Polite. Quiet. But a bit messy.
She felt like her home was not her own.
Anyway. Long story short. I invited him for Christmas rather than him being on his own. Plus, I wanted to.
He came the day before Christmas Eve - today , Boxing Day, out of the blue, she came upstairs slamming doors with a face of thunder.
I asked what the problem was. And he said she wanted her home back. She felt like her life was being taken over.
My son hasn’t done anything at all. He bought his laptop so he could work and has mostly been in his bedroom working.
In the evenings we have been watching a series of movies together. Everything has been relaxed. Or so I thought.
It’s every single time one of children comes over or comes to stay does she have issue with them coming.
My eldest son told me she made him feel uncomfortable and unwanted in the house.
I’m coming to the end of my rope now. I want my relationships with my children to continue but she is making it very difficult. I’m constantly caught in the middle trying to please everyone and it’s very tiring.

Curlywhirly Mon 27-Dec-21 13:39:40

Kittye

I don’t know why you are with her, she sounds a jealous, self centred controlling person. My children would always come first no matter what age they are. You sound like a nice person, you deserve better

I totally agree - no one would come between me and my (now adult) children, no one. I just couldn't bear to live with a partner who didn't get on with and accept my children. I agree with others that her behaviour would be a huge red flag to me - she sounds selfish and controlling; your poor children must dread visiting you. I would let her know that because of her childish behaviour, she has given you no option but to chose between her and your children and the children come first. I think you need to live separately. I just couldn't love someone if they were so intolerant towards my family.

Woodmouse Mon 27-Dec-21 13:49:17

Please put yourself and your children first. I witnessed this situation play out with a friend who eventually became a nervous wreck and lost touch with her two sons. Her partner wanted my friend all to himself and became more and more controlling.

GagaJo Mon 27-Dec-21 15:02:05

I have started to go to my eldest sons house to see him and the grandchildren alone. She is happy with that.

Why not just do that? It's what I prefer with my bloke and his 'dear' daughter. I have no problems with them spending all the time they want together. No jealousy whatsoever on my part. I would just rather not be included. Every now and then, he drags me along, and then no one is happy. DD goes out of her way with the 'my daddy' performance, which is for my benefit. I'm more than capable of ignoring the performance, but would much rather just leave them to it.

As with my bloke, he now is alone for a large proportion of his time. Children grow up (even the most reluctant) and eventually have their own lives. It would be a shame for you to break up what is otherwise a good relationship, for the sake of just living apart.

sodapop Mon 27-Dec-21 19:01:17

Like some other posters I would look at trying compromises in this situation. Of course your wife knew you had children LisaP but the reality of having them in your lives is quite different. You need to be clear about the strain this is putting on your relationship and that you will always be there for them. You say your children have been quite needy at times so maybe a talk with them would also be a good idea. It's difficult for people who don't have children to understand sometimes the ongoing responsibilities of parenthood even with adult children. Don't give up on your relationship you deserve a life of your own now.

HowVeryDareYou Mon 27-Dec-21 19:11:57

She's never had children of her own. That's the "problem". She hasn't been a parent, probably doesn't understand the relationship between parent and child (however old they are). I'd never put anyone before my own kids - they're 40 and 37 now, but like most mums, I'd do anything for them. Your lady doesn't understand that. If she can't make allowances, she perhaps needs to go elsewhere whilst your own children stay at your place.

manny Tue 28-Dec-21 00:11:26

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’ve been there too. Tried everything - counsellors, the lot. I never understood why my husband felt the way he did - and does - about my family. Tied myself in knots. Was it jealousy? Was it because he has no kids of his own? Never got to the bottom of it. Having tried to compromise in any way I could, we finally separated. There was no reason for his animosity towards them at all. They’re all hardworking, respectful, polite people who tried to include him as much as they could. They are all great parents.
I was placed in an awful position. Ultimately, only one option was open to me.
Since then, he has embarked on at least two relationships, both with women who have families. He is now alone - I think.
I too am alone, and sometimes very lonely. But there was no way round the problem. I really loved him and still miss him a lot, but the strain was just unbearable.

Pepper59 Tue 28-Dec-21 02:46:07

I'm sorry to say, this relationship is not going to work. Children are forever. Your partner cannot stand them in what seems like her house. You seem to have no say. It looks like she is going to throw a strop every time they want to visit. Your children will soon stop visiting( if they haven't already). You need to give serious thought as to the future. Sadly, you need to make a choice as your partner is too set in their ways to change now.

Smileless2012 Tue 28-Dec-21 16:07:07

You must feel between a rock and a hard place Lisa. You've been married for 7 years so your AC were 7 years younger when you tied the knot and depending on how long you'd been together before you got married, were younger still when you first met.

Despite not being a mother herself, your wife must have been aware of the close relationship you have with your AC, she'd have seen it first hand so for both your sake's it's a shame she didn't give this more thought before.

You need to have a conversation with her about this. About how it makes you feel and your AC, when she's slamming doors and in general behaving like a spoiled child rather than the adult she is.

As has already been suggested, she could stay elsewhere if she doesn't want to be around if one of your children needs to stay. Tell her you're OK with that but not OK with her making you and your child feel uncomfortable.

I do think Pepper has a point, this could escalate into none of your AC wanting to visit which could be a disaster for your relationship with them.

Peasblossom Tue 28-Dec-21 16:26:49

I think it’s a bit unfair Pepper to suggest that the OP has no say.

I’m sure from her partners point of view she has all the say.

I mean the son did stay there for six months and came for Christmas whether the OPs wife liked it or not.

Go off for the day or the weekend yes. Find another place to live for six months when it’s actually half your house?

Honestly I think they just aren’t compatible in the way they like to live. Better to sell up and be together separately.

Allsorts Tue 28-Dec-21 16:34:45

I would not be told how often I see my children. So tge inevitable would happen.

Marthjolly1 Tue 28-Dec-21 20:24:16

This must be so difficult for you to resolve. I do think your wife sounds somehow scared she will loose you to your children which causes her to become anxious and so she behaves badly. Has she experienced abandonment? A really hard, honest open conversation needs to be had to understand each others needs and worries. Otherwise you may loose each other

Dinahmo Tue 28-Dec-21 22:28:05

When a marriage ends, either through divorce or death, the children experience a variety of emotions. If it's divorce they will blame the new partner for the breakdown of their parents' marriage and when a parent dies they will sometimes accuse the surviving parent of being "unfaithful" or forgetting the deceased parent too soon. These feelings can occur even when the children are adults.

In those circumstances the "new" partner can often feel left out.

Examples of estranged parents and children occur all the time in these fora.

Hetty58 Tue 28-Dec-21 22:59:13

It's quite clear that she will have to adjust and change her outlook. I wonder what her own childhood was like? Is she repeating learned patterns?

My last partner (who lived elsewhere) was verbally shouty/hostile/nasty to my grandson, who lived with me. I thought he was just jealous and controlling, somehow 'protecting' me - and didn't have a clue, despite being a father of three.

Later, I realised that his own unhappy childhood meant the behaviour was habit and quite 'normal' to him. I corrected him every single time he started, reminded him that I was the grandparent (doing the parenting) so he'd better be polite or go home.

I said it was our home, none of his business and he was just a guest etc. - until, eventually, he changed.

Perhaps, LisaP, you'd be happier with your own home, where you can rule the roost and set the rules?

Banban55 Tue 20-Sep-22 17:58:23

Hi Lisa,
I know you posted this a while ago. I have the same issues and wonder how it’s going with you and if you ever sorted it.
If you did how?

Serendipity22 Tue 20-Sep-22 19:58:57

Jealousy reaps out from your thread.

Ive been through similar with the very outspoken I have 2 children and I will always have 2 children. which was known about from the very start.

If your partner has no children then that understanding can't possibly be there, but that is not a excuse. They are your children, end of.

It is an extremely unlovable situation you have been placed in, nil understanding, jealous and very selfish..

shock

Allsorts Wed 21-Sep-22 07:04:36

I must say I'm amazed that anyone would permit children or grandchildren to be shouted at in their own home as Hetty did. The person would try to do it once, then out. I don't like controlling people or shouty, it's bullying.

Katerina1 Fri 23-Sep-22 01:15:58

I have lived with a similar situation to yours for many years. My son also had to move in with us for several months as he was unwell. My second husband found this very difficult and I was torn apart trying to please both of them. As a mother my son will always come first. With hindsight perhaps I should have moved out of the marital home as it has all rumbled on. My son and husband didn't speak to each other for some years and I just lived with the stress of them both complaining to me about the other. I eventually told my husband that my son will always be a major part of my life. Things are calmer now, but like others here I have noticed my husband doesn't like other people around. He has no friends and no one comes to the house. I hope you find a workable way forward.

EileeZk Fri 23-Sep-22 09:03:37

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

lemsip Fri 23-Sep-22 09:08:35

Banban55

Hi Lisa,
I know you posted this a while ago. I have the same issues and wonder how it’s going with you and if you ever sorted it.
If you did how?

why not post your own thread instead of posting on an old one

Mark78 Wed 28-Sep-22 14:47:30

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Jaxjacky Wed 28-Sep-22 15:03:28

Reported

HeavenLeigh Wed 28-Sep-22 15:17:22

Sighing and slamming doors and the silent treatment sounds very childish to me, how old is this woman! So it’s everytime one of your children come over, I couldn’t and wouldn’t put up with that! Doesn’t sound as though you can play happy families, you say that she feels like her home is not her home, well it’s not just her home it yours too