Older husband - how big a consideration should early widowhood or caring duties be?

A good friend of mine met an older divorced man at work and married him. Their marriage was extremely happy until he became ill. She cared for him for as long as she could and then he had to go to a nursing home. It’s been hard for her and the 2 children they had together. She will be 70 next year and has been alone for some years now.
Also an ex colleague of mine married a woman who is 17 years younger. They had 2 children but he found the early years exhausting. She wanted to go out all the time but he liked a quiet life at home. Eventually she met a younger man in a nightclub and they divorced soon afterwards. It was difficult for them both really.

Think probably it’s down to how good your relationship is, and whether you are prepared to be possibly a long term carer . If you meet in later life there may only be a few good years ahead, but in reality no one can predict the future. Also maybe if there are children on either side what is the relationship like with them.
Practical things like sorting wills and power of attorney are quite important so that everyone knows who gets what and who chooses the care and controls the finances. Moving into a partner or spouse’s property could give you worry if you don’t know what would happen in event of illness or death.
Take your time and talk things through, don’t let your heart rule your head.

EmilyHarburn, May I respectfully ask if you enjoyed your holiday ?

My friend fell in love with a man much older than her, and we did have a conversation about the age gap. She waited quite a while before commiting herself, but said she couldn't live without him, she was deeply in love, so she married him. They have been happy for many years now. She has said that he is beginning to feel his age, but her view is still that without him her life would have been empty, and she would rather have twenty five years with him than fifty with anyone else. 'Can't dictate where the heart goes, try as we may.

You are very wise to think of thepossible caring issue. My husband fell off a bridge he was reparing just 2 weeks before I was due to go on holiday so I put a spar bed down stairs in his office and brought in a care agency and went.

We only have one life and my husband was fine when I got back. Determined to get back into our double bed upstairs, which he did.

I have a friend who has a partner, they each kept their own houses. He was a hoarder she could not get him to change. Heis now going down hill, she can decide how much to support him and when.

My ability to care is to organise things it is not to do the work. I have arthritis my self and there is a lot I cannot do. If I look after myself I can just about get throughthe day with only 2 paracetemol, if I start doing stuff for others I need a paracetemol every 3 hours. I am not prepared to suffer that way.

My husband is 12 years older than me, still lives life to the full, plays golf. did so yesterday, maybe he has a few more afternoon naps these days. Yes it is something I factored in fleetingly when we got together 37 or so years ago. However, life holds no guarantees as we found out when his son dropped dead suddenly at a young age leaving a wife in her 30s and young children. Sadly, in the past couple of years I know of several wives who have died, all the younger partner in the marriage, one like me 12 years the junior.

If he’s right for you, it wouldn’t matter. My husband is 15 years older than me. We’ve been together 20 years, and met when I was 45 and he was 60.

We both have underlying health conditions, which we both had then, but none of it mattered. His are more potentially life shortening than mine.

I nearly lost him this year, and the stress of that thought was far worse than the caring I have to do!

We are the love of each other’s lives, despite meeting later in life, and if it ends tomorrow, he’s still given me the happiest 20 years of my life.

But, caring is hard work, and unless you’re 100% committed to him, I wouldn’t be rushing into marriage.

Not always older spouses who need the care as they age, no one knows. I am fit and well but my DH who is 10 years younger than me isn’t, through no fault of his own. I am his carer and yes, it is upsetting and very difficult but c’est la vie and we just have to keep on plodding along to the next crisis!

I only know that when I've been in love I haven't stopped to consider practical things but just got swept along by the tidal wave of emotions. I'm not sure that it's a good thing though.

It's so hard to know how life is going to work out. You could need care before him, for all you know. There are just no guarantees.

If there are known factors, like he has a degenerative condition known, then you could consider whether you are up for all that involves or not. If it's just an age thing, it's just me personally, I'd be happy to have fewer years with someone who made me genuinely happy.

There's no easy answer here. Only you can weigh up the possibilities and where they fit for you in your life.

You are wise to think everything through and consider what may become issues in the future. But no-one can ever predict what may or not happen, particularly where health is concerned. I worked for a number of years as a carer in the community, looking after people in their own homes. Some family members were excellent carers others not so and some totally clueless. Either you have it or you don't. So if you or your partner needed care you may well need to involve social care in some form. I wish you good luck and a happy life in whatever you choose.

I do think is a fair question to ask, and good that you are not rushing into any commitment.

Most couples I know are of the same age, and mostly the same ability, but you can become someone's carer because of disease and circumstance. If you really love each other than time well spent together is priceless.

However, in committing to someone older, the chances are higher that will happen. A co-worker married someone almost 20 years older, and her social life was very limited because her DH became very set in his ways, and then very frail. It was a second marriage for him, and his family became dependent on her for his care. She knew this going into the relationship, was true to him and loved him dearly, but admitted when he died that she was relieved that that chapter of her life was over and she could move on.

A family member is with a man 24 yrs older than her, she has been complaining for many years that he never wants to go out, wants to potter around the garden or just sit and watch the television. When she first met him, he was out and about most nights.
He has just had 2 relatively minor strokes and she is trying to get carers in to look after him as she can’t/won’t. She is frustrated and he is glad that she is young enough to look after him (little does he know……)
Just think carefully, there is no rush, take your time and if you really love him you won’t mind what the future brings.

didn't even notice the pun MerylStreep must be one too many Baileys today.

Met when I was 19 dh was 20 yrs older, he died when he was 79.he had health issues for many years but he stilled tried to do things, but the last 5 yrs of his life did go downhill.

Then one day he came downstairs said "I think it's time I went"

Went back upstairs on his stairlift, got in bed, stopped eating drinking, he was tired and weary. 10 days later he died,
Would I do it all again? yes..but with a few tweaks here and there. that was 7 yrs ago now.

Age is not irrelevant at all. I have 2 friends who have spent the last 10 years caring for much older men, and now widows- and it was VERY tough. Age does not matter when you are younger- 25 year old with 40 year old is fine. But when you get to 65 and 80- the age difference and health issues can be massive. If you have had a good life together- it is easier to accept what happens in old age- but this is not a good place to start.

So OP, how old are you, and how old is he, now.

“Young man’s darling, old man’s nurse?” Take your pick.
Speaking from experience (24 years difference) once the glow has worn off it can be challenging. He’s “been there, seen that, got the tee shirt” & as time goes on may only want his slippers & TV? He’s passed away now but in your shoes, living my life again, I’d run a mile.

I have 2 friends and they married much older partners when we were in our early 50s. It hasn't been the health issues which have been the problems with their marriages but the fact their partners have become so set in their ways, not wanting to travel, go to events more suited to younger people, music tastes etc etc and very little compromise. One sadly confided in me she won't leave them as she would rather be with them than be on her own - very sad.
In my own case I met the love of my life at 50 and we were together 12 years. He was ill on and off for a number of years and died at 56, 3 years ago. Towards the end I was his carer which was very hard, but I would do it all again without a second thought. So 2 sides of the same coin I guess.

I think it is sensible to consider all aspects before making a commitment. When we are younger we don’t tend to think about older age or illness, or pensions, inheritance etc.
My DH is a year younger than me but in less good health, yet he considers himself immortal- well he must do, because he refuses to discuss or consider the future.
I think you are wise to think things through at this stage. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him.

Don’t allow it to be ‘a whirlwind’..... give it time until it’s a gentle breeze!
There is no rush to marriage thankfully these days.
A big age difference really does matter unless you are wealthy.

Sodapop
Was that a deliberate pun?
Bythebeach take the plunge

Why get married? Why not just live separately - friends with benefits.

My dear lady if you need to ask that question you don’t love him it’s as simple as that

As GSM said some people are just not able to be carers and that's just how things are, no criticism at all. If you fall into this category Bythebeach then think carefully before you take the plunge.
However illness can strike at any age so I think you are unsure about this relationship. My son in law died from cancer at 32 so there is no safeguard with age. I would think twice about your feelings for this man.

I am not offended either, but you really do not seem certain about this.