Older husband - how big a consideration should early widowhood or caring duties be?

When we fall in love our heart rules our head but there comes a time when head must be considered.
Heart says this, head says that.
Think it through and go with the winner.
Good luck

I would rather my children married people of the same age, as I know how hard it is caring for end of life care and widowhood, however you can’t choose who captures your heart and if you truly loved someone you disregard all that follow your heart. I married someone the same age and he died young. It’s been hard without him, but I wouldn’t change a minute I had with him. He was the love if my life.

‘It’s all been a whirlwind’. Sounds like a fairy story. Not sure I believe any of it.

Not offended at all. You are right to think through how you would deal with illness, caring, early widowhood. Just as you will discuss finances, where to live, beliefs etc. Becoming a career can. For some people, change the balance of the relationship for good or for bad. But …. What’s the rush? Take your time within reason. If you cannot decide at all, you need to talk to him and to someone you trust in real life, not necessarily a close friend or relative but someone whose judgement you respect. I wish you well.

With respect, I don't think the stories of spouses being struck down in their prime, in their 50s is relevant to what the OP is asking, other than to remind us all that we do not know what is ahead. The question is a good one, and this forum is a good place to ask advice. For what it is worth, a very good friend of mine married an older man when we were in our late 20s, and has had a great marriage and a lovely life, but now is living with a man of nearly 80 compared to our age of early 60s. Big difference and not to be dismissed however much you love the man.

Some people can’t deal with ill health in others and are just not cut out to be carers at any age.

MayBeMaw
My thoughts exactly.
My Mother in law married a man 10 years younger than her. Perfectly healthy, they were only married for 8 years when he died.
I have a friend who is 75. She is 16 years older than her partner. She is nursing him.
Non of us know what fate has in store for us.

My bloke is 17 years older than me. Age isn't irrelevant. He is quite elderly now, while I'm still in the middle of heavy family responsibility and working full-time. The gap is ever widening and at some point, when he becomes ill, there will be an expectation that I will step up to care for him.

I'm not going into the reasons why I'm not prepared to do that here, but suffice it to say, it is starting to loom over us.

I think it is one thing, to marry an older person, at a youngish age. Say 25 and 40. To then have a whole life together and for her (or him) to look after the partner at 70+ after 30 years together. It is quite another for an older man to hook up with a younger woman in his mid 60s (for example) with the expectation of a carer. Quite a few women on this forum have referenced this and just aren't prepared to do it.

In the experience of my long marriage, when I have been ill or in need my husband has looked after me and visa versa.

Caring for the each other has brought us closer together and has been just another part of our loving life together. My dear man had a serious accident some years ago and I have very happy memories of lying my face next to his on a hospital pillow and chattering away for hours about life, family and my day. We got through it together and it bound us closer together.

These weren't miserable, burdensome days. They were memories equal to all the holidays and Christmas days. I wouldn't have opted out of marrying him to avoid those moments. If I'd known how loving and happy-making those times when we were there for each other would be, I wouldn't have worried about illness or getting old so much when I was younger.

We have seen each other through all the ups and downs, joys, ills and sadness of life and I am so grateful for that gift.

We said in sickness and in health after all.

I hope this helps you OP.

Bythebeach, it really doesn't matter what your sisters (or anyone else) thinks. If you love him, then marry him. Life is unpredictable and we all take risks - or die of boredom.

My second husband was nine years older, but it didn't worry us. We just had to be together, so no doubts. (It seems that you do have doubts, though.) We had 21 years together and four wonderful children.

He became ill at 49 and died at 52. That was 25 years ago. Yes, I was his carer for the last few months. It was hell at the time. Still, it was all worth it - and I'd gladly do it all again.

Hmmm.

How old are you OP?

If you’re so influenced by your sisters opinion you sound very young.

I’ll ask again? Why marriage? In a whirlwind.

Why not just give it some time?

No one is offended. My g/parents had a 15 year age gap. When he was 70 she was only 55. He developed dementia and she became his reluctant carer. . It wasn’t a happy marriage so obviously I would think it was a mistake. For them.

I can see where the OP is coming from. When we’re young and we meet and marry someone it’s a lifetime commitment, especially when you have children together. But, if you find yourself alone in later life and meet someone it’s more about companionship. There isn’t ( imo) the deep love that you felt for your husband and the father of your children. It has been in my mind recently in that one of my oldest and dearest friends has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I’ve been thinking about what would happen if I suffer from it.

You haven’t caused offence some people are just rude.

If you already love him it is probably too late to finish the relationship without heartache. I personally would not become involved with anyone much older than myself. I would not want to be a carer

. I know there can be unexpected illness or disability at any age but I would rather just have friendships than become responsible for anyone else's health or wellbeing.

I hope it all works out for you and you have a healthy and happy time together.

I agree with Galaxy.

Love and lust can blind you

Age is really not a guideline. Currently my daughter has a married female friend who recently has been both physically and mentally disabled through a massive brain bleed. Another friend of hers has a husband recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. Both friends are middle fifties. Illness or accidents can occur at any age. Dementia can also strike at a young age. As it did with my husband. If you love someone you just treat it as part of your married life and do the best you can.

My husband was 16 years older than me and died when he was 70.
The age gap never mattered to be honest. He died because he thought going to the doctor was a sign of weakness in a man.

Frankly, from the little you have told us I think it would be kinder to the gentleman to dump him now.

You havent caused offense to me. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to talk about. The last person in the world I would want caring for me is my husband. People have very different views of care and actually it's fine to say that you might not have the capacity to do that.

I’m not trying to be in poor taste at all, it’s all been rather whirlwind! My sisters had some concerns and said they really don’t want me to go through with it as I will end up a carer or a widow when I should be enjoying my golden years. They insist there are so many men my age that I could marry.
I posted here, yes on a forum where I know no one, but where I could access an older generation who perhaps know the outcomes of marriages with such age gaps, or their own personal anecdotes.
I don’t know anyone to ask in real life who may have any real experience with this. I apologise if I’ve caused any offence.

Have I got this right?
You are contemplating a lifelong commitment to a man whom you presumably love?
BUT
You are asking a site of anonymous members, about whom you absolutely nothing whatsoever because you are concerned about widowhood/caring duties??

Give me strength.

You may predecease him.
Either of you could develop some debilitating condition at any age.
Who do you think might care for you should you have a stroke/heart issues/develop early or late-onset dementia ?

Sounds to me as if you are just not that “into him” but are looking for some sort of excuse.

Or is this just a wind-up? If so it is in very poor taste.

I married knowing my husband had a progressive disability and that if he reached old age I would be his carer.

Nothing in the world would have stopped me.

Death came before extreme disability.

I don’t regret a moment of my life with him.
You obviously don’t love whoever it is. Why are you thinking of marriage?

I agree that age is irrelevant.

My neighbour is 81, his wife died aged 60 of lung cancer four years ago.

If you can't bear to be away from him and your heart flutters age will not matter. None of us know what's around the corner so enjoy your life.

Sorry, but I think age is irrelevant.

My husband was 6 years younger than me. He got sick, I became his 9 years, then he died at the age of 57.

Reminds me of a quote by Joan Collins.

When she was asked about the age gap between her and Percy, she just laughed and said "if he dies, he dies".

Carpe Diem. Do what makes your heart sing.

My friend got married to an older man when she was 35 and he was 50. It was his second marriage. He has sadly just died this year after nearly 40 years of marriage, 2 children, and one grandchild born this year. Others lose their husbands young. Life is a lottery and you don’t know what’s in store.. If you are lucky enough to have found love at whatever age go with your heart.