How to divide up the jobs around the house when you are both retired.

I just couldnt live like that, sorry. I know that's no help but it just sounds awful.

That should have been sorted 40 years ago .

Before I retired I worked full time and first (late) husband would share in childcare and housework (although I did have to accept his priorities weren’t always the same as mine) and a lot of the time I was the main breadwinner.
Second husband’s late wife didn’t work so he was used to being looked after. He retired before me and although he would do anything I asked I often found it easier to do it myself - but felt resentful.
20 years on he has vascular dementia and can’t do anything around the house - funnily enough I no longer feel resentful and am experienced in taking on all the tasks.

I suppose we are a bit traditional here in that my DH does anything DIY related and most of the gardening, the bins etc. His cooking repertoire is limited too but on the plus side he is kind, easy to live with, will put the vacuum round if asked and will do other inside jobs if I ask him. He doesn’t see for himself what might need doing but as I say, he’s kind, cheerful, and I honestly could have done so much worse.

I couldn't live like that either.

I also live with painful health conditions but if I stop moving it gets worse very quickly. He should also be taking care of those health conditions.

I think you should sit him down, ask for a list of chores he is able to do, draw them up and then you don't do them. Full stop.

Either that or go on strike and just do your washing, cooking, ironing, clean your mess and leave him to it.

Obviously we don’t know what the other issues are but he’s certainly pulling a fast on by pulling the Angina card. Cardio exercises are recommended for Angina sufferers.

Sounds like me Cabbie21 I am too impatient to wait for a job to be done, my husband is much more relaxed about things than I am.
I think you have to choose your battles, decide which things you find most annoying that he could do but doesn't and talk it through. If all else fails get some help as you do for the garden. Set time aside for yourself to do something you enjoy and forget the jobs for a while.

We share all the jobs, mostly doing chores together e.g. while Mr C does the windows I clean the bathroom or visa versa.

It's always been that way since, in the very early days of our marriage when he was a lazy bugger and I lost my temper and kicked his pile of dirty washing down the garden shouting that I wasn't his maid.

Oh Coastpath I LOL at your post!! Isn't Gransnet wonderful - every day I find something to cheer me up, still chuckling now!

We laugh about it (now) too Dottygran59.

Divorced and living alone, I do everything, but it would annoy me to see someone sitting and doing nothing.
He could do the washing and fold it from the tumble dryer (which he could buy if you don't have one,) push a hoover around, or pay for a cleaner, prepare meals.
The thing is, he won't get better unless you make him.
Why have you tolerated it for so long?

I am not as well as DH and he takes on heavy work as well as all the work if I am not feeling well. But we probably do 60/40 in my favour. He still says he has ‘mopped the floor for me’ though?

Fortunately we have a couple of cleaners who come fortnightly and a gardener. Obviously things need to be done in between times. Getting OH to cut the lawn is a nightmare. I used to do it but my knees prevent it now. Bins. Well, I do them simply because he isn’t really with it (or showered and dressed) until nearly lunchtime, due to his gabbapentin (sp) medication. I do most of the shopping and cooking and driving. We each do our own ironing but I also iron things like tablecloths. He does get the hoover out occasionally when the cats have moulted particularly copiously! Basically, if there are things to do, I do them. It sometimes makes me cross but there you go. One thing. I did pretty well everything at Christmas from the cooking to writing cards and buying and wrapping presents. One day I think he felt guilty and offered to hand deliver the Village cards, which I used to pay theGuides to do, but they don’t anymore. It took him over an hour and he said his hip ached… ‘tough’, I said.

When we were first married my dh did shift work so was often home before I was or went in the afternoon with his morning free.
He always cooked dinner if he got in first but wasn’t so good at clearing up and other jobs. I never did it instead, (because I could do it better/quicker than him ) but was patient and now 55 years later he is probably better at housework and cooking than I am. He certainly likes it more than I do.
Friends always told me how lucky I was, I pointed out we both worked full time so it wasn’t a matter of being lucky. He didn’t come fully trained, it took time, and much patience but it paid off. Have to say it was quite unusual in those times.
Not much has changed now, women still do the lions share even though most work outside the home.
Both retired we usually do jobs together now.

Oh scentia, always made me laugh about the ‘for you’ statement. Always pulled him up on that. As if he levitates over the floor? Ha!

Yes, that dreaded ' done it for you' - well he knows this is better not said! Yes, should have been sorted 40 years ago- and it is very difficult to redress after retirement. I worked full time most of our married life, after a few years at home with young children- but as OH worked such massively long hours- it has been the norm that I do most of the gardening, decorating ... but we always had a cleaner for 2.5 hours every week.

I still do all of the above ... and we still have a cleaner - and that is the way it is. But he does his own ironing.

Like you Coastpath we do share housework together. Our early days were similar to yours in that I also had a full time job but was expected to be a full time housewife too. My reaction was this is your home too so take some responsibility for it as I did not get married to be a skivvy. Job done!

Thank you for the replies.
Those who say they could not live like that, what would you do if your DH had dementia or other debilitating illness or disability? There’s another thread discussing that possibility).

To be fair, if I am not here, DH will happily see to his own food. He goes shopping once a week( we also have deliveries and I go to Aldi too for top ups). He gets his own breakfast and lunch.
I honestly don’t know if he is getting forgetful, or is in too much pain to do things, or just being lazy, or probably a mixture of all three. Maybe when the moment is right I will broach the subject. Previous attempts haven't got me very far though.

If he can do jobs when you arent then its not the same as dementia etc. In addition the fact that he says he doesnt see the need for housework , sorty again bit I would just find that so disrespectful.

I think my DH probably contributes less than your DH, Cabbie21!
When we first married he said if you look after the inside of the house and I’ll look after the outside which I thought was unfair but always fell on deaf ears.
Now, I do all the cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, cooking, gardening,bins, washing and hoovering the car etc. ?
He does all the diy but expects me to help with it! I have to book the holidays as well. If I didn’t do any of these things you might think he would get fed up and eventually do some chores but no. As a consequence, I have stopped a lot of things and only bother with the house if I know we have visitors coming. I rarely have time to follow any interests etc. He also tells friends and family that I won’t let him help with housework, that I do too much housework and am house proud. I am not! I have tried to discuss it with him but just get the response - the house is fine. He comes and tells me there are weeds in the garden for heavens sake rather than pulling them. I give up and I commiserate with you but can’t offer any suggestions. Best of luck.

Thanks Jezra. Very similar. I am not asked to do gardening, though very occasionally I might spend 20 minutes pulling up weeds. I am not over- efficient with housework and just do enough to keep the place presentable and hygienic.
One thing we divvied up years ago was ironing. I don’t do it very often, but he just takes his shirts up unironed, rather than iron them, though he used to be very good at it.
I do have plenty of time for myself and have a number of commitments and my own interests which certainly take precedence over housework.

I can sympathise regarding the bin not going out until late evening as my OH does the same. I don't understand why he does that especially on cold, wet evenings.