Difficult mother

Thank you very much for all your responses. I think this is the best part of Gransnet, the support of one to another with life’s difficulties.
I went to see mother this afternoon. I took her some tulips with which she was at least pleased (she’s often quite ungrateful for gifts.) Despite advice from many very well meaning Gransnetters I simply can’t walk away from my mother, it’s not in my nature to abandon her as I feel a responsibility towards her. I’ve always tried to do my best for her, particularly since my dad died. She’s old and she has poor health and most of her relatives are dead. Like you Laura I can’t just leave her. I think your psychologist was right, we are always trying to win their approval, but destined to fail. Also I think, like you, I will feel guilty when she dies if I haven’t done the right thing.
She was quite negative about everything again, but that’s how she is. She also bigged up her illnesses as she always does. It’s difficult for me because she genuinely does have some conditions. She mithers about her medication and is proud of how much she takes I take ten pills in the morning and another seven at night, and anti sick tablets and paracetamol every four hours and was upset that the carers won’t allow her to keep the inhaler she’s been prescribed for her recently diagnosed COPD but bring it to her twice a day. I get fed up with her me, me, me attitude, and yet find myself thinking that she’s old and in a home and virtually immobile, so I guess she would think about herself. But she always has done!
Anyway, just a big thank you. I really appreciate the support.

Hetty much of your last post resonates with me. Especially that lack of a bond or affection and feeling duty bound to care.

What a very nice post Laura.

Mothers! Hey Maddy. Don’t we wish we had a lovely one, a warm kind confidante, someone who clearly loved and appreciated us. Not to be.
My mother was cold, hard, cruel and violent towards me and yet warm, soft and kind towards my younger sister.
The strange thing is that in adulthood I was the one who took responsibility for her, made all the effort, listened to her constant complaints and misery and even built an extension on to our home for her when my father became I’ll so that I could help.
My sister just walked away without a care.
I never really understood why I couldn’t walk away. A psychologist friend said that I spent my life trying to win her approval and her love. To no avail I might add.
When she finally went in to a care home with dementia I travelled 60 miles once a week for a one hour visit, she would yell at me and tell me she hadn’t seen me for months. I would come away and sit in the car and cry. Friends told me not to bother, my sister visited twice a year.
I don’t know why I continued until she died. It might have been my need to think she loved me, my need to keep my own conscience clear knowing that she would die eventually and I’d done my best or possibly even just needing to be seen to be doing the right thing so that I wouldn’t be judged.
It’s so complex Maddy, not easy to walk away and not easy to back off.
I persevered with my visits and remained kind and patient so that when she did die I was free of guilt and free of her. It’s now been three years and I hardly think of her at all. I have tried to conjure up some happy memories of her but there are none so I have closed that area of my memory.
My saving grace was that I had a wonderful Dad who showed me love, respect and understanding, she made his life hell too.
My total salvation has been my extraordinarily kind, gentle and lovely husband who I met at age 15. So a happy normal life for most of my 72 years.
I get the impression that you too have been lucky to find a kind and supportive husband and have great children.
It’s my opinion that we need to focus on the good and maybe put up with the bad bits once a week/fortnight/month, whatever suits best, so that we can live with ourselves.
I do feel for you and understand your mix of emotions.
All the best Maddy. Chin up.

Obviously talking to her won't make her realise how awful she has been. But you wrote some of it down for us. Write a different version for her and send it in a letter. Just pour it all out. It will be cathartic for you, and she may well read it more than once, and recognise some of her traits in it. At the end say if something doesn't change you will cease visiting for the sake of your own health and well being. Make sure you photocopy the letter a couple of times, because I am sure she will rip up the original, but you can say you have an endless number of copies that you can keep sending.
Wishing you a happier future.

maddyone - she sounds very like my late mother, especially with the attention-seeking through feigned illness!

Only later in life did I realise that she was mentally ill - and entirely unfit to be a mother and 'look after' children.

Yes, I really resented visiting her in hospitals and care homes - yet still felt duty bound to do it and watch over her welfare.

I did the arranging, visiting, paperwork, shopping etc. for my own peace of mind - and to do my share to help out siblings.

There was no bond, no affection - so I often wished I could swap with somebody else (anybody else) - and visit their mother instead.

When she died (quite suddenly) I felt so relieved, for my siblings, myself - and for her, as she found no enjoyment in life. I didn't grieve, didn't cry, just acted sad at the funeral - and still did (and do) feel very relieved. So - there is some compensation for that complete lack of a bond.

Could you also talk to the home and for them to call you only when it is necessary, despite her wishes?

Everybody seems to be dancing at her tune.

Maddyone
You can put your phone in "do not disturb" or silent her messages.

I agree with Silverlining. If your mum is well enough to send you messages then that's a good thing. The care home will contact you presumably if there are concerns. She's being manipulative. Tell her when you are going to see her and after every message, just repeat "I told you I would be on Wednesday mum. See you then." I've had the nobody -visits- me line and I ignore it. Detaching emotionally is your friend here. I appreciate it's not easy.

How awful, Maddyone.
It’s very easy for other people to say ‘cut yourself off’ but I’m sure it’s a lot harder to do. What would you say to a friend telling you the same thing?

A dd has a friend with a truly toxic mother. I do know the woman, she’s poisonous and has blighted her dd’s life. But the poor girl seems quite unable to keep away - it’s as if there are invisible strings drawing her back, time after time.

I fervently wish you enough strength to harden your heart, cut those strings if needed, and leave the horrible old woman to reap the consequences of her behaviour. ?

Maddy habe you been able to talk to the care home about your situation?

I am sorry Maddy. You just need some peace from all the stress involved with your mother.
She can’t be that poorly if she is texting you, try to keep visits to once a week for a shorter period. If she is unkind then leave.
I do understand how mentally exhausting it is but this will end and in the meantime look after yourself.

I’m really struggling again at the moment. My mother has deteriorated in the last couple of weeks and at this point is non weight bearing, and so the home has to use a hoist to get her into and out of bed. She’s on antibiotics again and now has a catheter which may or may not be removed later this week. I visited her on Friday afternoon but haven’t been since. I plan to go this afternoon. I’m getting texts asking where I am. She had a fall (hence the hoist) but was not injured. The home called out the paramedics anyway just to check her over. The home wouldn’t normally ring us about that unless she was injured and the situation more serious, but mum made them ring me first thing yesterday morning. It’s awful but my first thought was On no, what now?
I’m trying hard to visit less frequently but I keep getting texts saying ‘Maddy, where are you. I haven’t seen anyone for ages’ She told my son not to go on Sunday because she said she’d been sick (probably due to her water infection that she’s been treated for) and despite everything I feel sorry for her, but also I’m trying not to let her manipulate me. I have very mixed feelings. I wonder when it will end. I’m fed up of it all. I’m nearly 69 and I really don’t need it. I’m sorry if I’m moaning, I’m just fed up of it all.

Hi I feel your pain, I also had similar mum, mine constantly told me if it was for you. And the abuse was both but You see she got pregnant with me before marriage. and apparently that’s my fault. My bros she worshiped. She wanted them. My grandmother too my dad was never good either for them yet he stuck with her for 35 years until he died. He tried to make up the love I didn’t get from her. Anyway long story short on day of his funeral my grandmother said he’s gone now no need for you to visit anymore. I tried all my life to get her to love me but I couldn’t do anything for her that was right. At first I put it down to grieve what my grandmother said so I went round to see my mum and she kept me at front door and said what do you want. I turned and walked away with my son’s and never went back that was 22yrs ago. My sons have their own children now. My mum made up loads of stuff about me and my now ex hubby none of it was true. Some ppl you just better off without.

I agree with telling her (calmly) that any nastiness or abuse will mean you walk out instantly. And mean it, and do it.

Though preferably I’d say best to cut her off altogether - and don’t feel bad about it!

My mother could be difficult (often down to being hypersensitive and taking offence so easily) but mostly she was pretty good.
However once she succumbed to dementia she went through a stage of saying really horrible, upsetting and quite untrue things about my dh and dds.

I told her straight, if you don’t stop saying such horrible things I’m going home NOW (I lived 60 miles away) and I meant it, and even though she had dementia, with serious short term memory loss, she did stop it, for that evening, anyway.

Bless you. She must have been terribly unhappy....or ill, to behave like that, but that’s not, and should no longer be your concern. Enough is enough.

Take a copy of your post to her to read. Then say you’re not seeing her again, and wish her well for the remainder of her life.

Walk away Maddy....and don’t look back. Enjoy the rest of your life with people you love, and more importantly, those who love and care for you in return.

You deserve better than this. You’ve exhausted all your options.

Good luck?

Well done maddy. Wishing you the very best.?

I’m just coming back to thank everyone for reading and posting. I’ve read all your answers and all the very good advice. I can’t bring myself to abandon my mother after all these years, and so I’m going to cut down my visits further. I had already cut them down to about three a week, but I’ve decided to visit once a week from now on. I don’t know how to deal with her constant claims to be ill as she’s used illness all her life to get attention. Some posters have asked how she became as she is and answer is I don’t know. Her father idolised her, but her mother favoured her sister and brother. Her sister, my aunt was the most lovely auntie to me, I often wished she was my mother. Her brother wasn’t particularly nice, he was arrogant and quite unpleasant. My mother is certainly arrogant and often unpleasant and rude, so maybe it ran in the family. But my grandparents were lovely, and so I don’t know why she’s like she is.
Anyway just a big thank you to all who responded and to all those who sent me private messages.

I think the previous replies have given you some good advice Maddyone. I had a difficult mother, although not as bad as yours but she did some things that have had longstanding consequences in my life. A domineering and manipulative person. My Dad was kind, hardworking and caring. She made his life a misery a lot of the time. He died young, 57, and she was just 50. She stayed on her own by choice until she died at 91. She’d had dementia for the last 4 years of her life and changed into a sad, pathetic, frightened old lady.

I had long periods of no contact with her but some sense of duty made me always go back and eventually take care of her in her final years. I’m glad I did and I was holding her hand for her final hours as she passed away.

Whilst you have no reason to stick around and certainly shouldn’t have to contend with the shouting and abuse I’d advise you to do as others have said and keep your own counsel regarding your life so she doesn’t know much and be firm with her and make it clear you won’t tolerate her bad behaviour and leave if she starts. If you walk away completely at this late stage (nobody would blame you) you would probably feel guilt for the rest of your life. You don’t deserve this but she won’t be here much longer so you need to put yourself and your family first but decide yourself if you would be ok with never seeing her again before she passes. Good luck

Maddyone, you have to let this go.

Your mother is what she is and she is not going to change; you however , can. Constantly recalling all her actions and nursing grievances will only damage you.
Despite a difficult upbringing you have created a happy marriage and a happy family and that is what counts, not how your mother treated you as a child.
She may well refuse to take her tablets because she knows it will create yet another conflict with you. Accept it. She is safe and cared for in a care home and it is not your responsibility to look after her. Don't break contact completely because you will probably feel guilty if you do, but limit your time with her, secure in the knowledge that you have done everything you possibly can, and she has chosen to reject it.
Her loss.

I really feel for you Maddyone, I have no experience of this, but could not read without sending my love and respect to you

Urmston your post is spot on, and I agree fully with your advice.

Lots of good advice on here, maddyone and I hope you find the strength to act.

You are not that little girl any more, trying to please her mother and hoping that she'll turn into a kind, loving mother.
She won't and perhaps it irks her that you have managed it despite how she treated you.

Perhaps learning some calming techniques and coping tactics might help so that, when she starts, you can manage to take a deep breath, walk away and tell yourself to rise above her manipulation.

Best wishes to you for 2022

So sorry to hear about your sister too maddy. I hope all the love and support coming your way from us here and from your husband and children will help you to be strong and put yourself in charge of your life so they can’t continue hurting you. I wish you strength and the happiness you so richly deserve. New year, new you.?

Good luck with moving forward Maddyone. I can’t see you abandoning your mum, but taking charge by cutting down on visits and maybe walking out when she starts on you could bring you some relief. Can you tell the care home people that is what you are doing?
Hope 2022 brings you some relief.

Oh I really feel for you maddyone. I have no wiser words to offer. Just maybe think ‘New Year, New Me’. You know your mum won’t change, so you must. Emotionally decide to ‘uncouple’ from this toxic festering relationship. Ring your sister, not text, to let her know you’ve pulled up your big girl pants and that you are no longer prepared to accept this shitty treatment.

Then fully armed, walk into that Care Home and tell your mother that you’ve spoken to your sister, you’ve made a decision and she’d better believe you intend to follow through.

By now she’d be agitated. Just stay calm yourself. Tell her any rudeness you intend from now on to get up and walk out. Say “I’m warning you Mother I will do just that so it’s up to you”.

Keep visiting. You’d feel guilty if you don’t, it’s in your nature (mine too). But DETACH. Visit less or for shorter times. You’ve gone past being hurt. In fact you now expect it from her. So feel the fear and do it anyway. Be you. You sound lovely. Decide that from today you won’t allow yourself to be spoken to like this any longer because you’re a worthy person.

Good luck. Find your strength maddyone it’s within you. Always has been. x