Difficult mother

I'm sorry to hear about your mum freedomfromthepast a very difficult time for you.

Yes, every good wish maddy x

maddyone Great resolve, good luck in moving forward in 2022.

Oh my word, thank you for all your wonderful, supportive replies. I thought that not many people would reply with it being New Year’s Day. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for replying on a day that is regarded as a family day. I did write this post because of mother being unkind and manipulative yet again, and I know I should rise above it and accept she’ll never change and it’s how I deal with her that must change. I want to address some of your questions, but it may take a while, and so I’ll start with the questions about my sister.

Life is never straight forward is it? My sister has been very badly damaged by the way she brought up, and by subsequent treatment after her marriage. As a consequence she suffers very poor mental health and has done for years. About thirty years ago she cut off the whole family. She was mentally ill and alcoholic. She remained non contact for seven years. The final two years she spent under the care of her psychiatrist and she gradually improved, to the point that she wanted to resume contact with her family. Unfortunately some ten years ago her husband died. She was just sixty years old. Since then she has deteriorated again to such a point that a normal relationship with her has become impossible. However, conversely she has gradually become more and more involved with mum, even though she rarely sees her because she lives 250 miles away. They speak for one to two hours on the phone every day. She doesn’t do anything practical for mum because she’s so far away, and I understand that and have no problem with it, especially since the last two years have been in pandemic. My sister has gone from frequently ignoring mum, and never visiting her even when they lived close to each other, to now phoning every day. As my niece says, Nana (my mum) is now on Team G….. In other words, after all these years and all the damage inflicted on my sister as she grew up, my sister is now, for the first time ever, very close to our mother. So it is difficult for us to present a united front to mother because I’m the one who gets the flack now. We used to both get it, but now it’s just me. Maybe my sister is protecting herself, so when the inevitable happens, she won’t feel guilty.

After saying she was ill for a few weeks, though eating and drinking normally (according to her carers) and refusing to get out of bed at all, mum eventually had a meltdown last night. She demanded the carers got her a doctor. Her own doctor had already assessed her and said she had a suspected, mild flare up of her diverticulitis and prescribed antibiotics. She refused to take them saying she didn’t have diverticulitis. So when the out of hours doctor came last night he diagnosed a suspected, mild flare up of her diverticulitis and prescribed more antibiotics, saying she had to take them this time. The care home didn’t let us know so we know it’s not serious. However mum decided to tell the care staff to ring her daughter 250 miles away and tell her, but she didn’t answer my text from last night. Sister then asked her son to ring me and tell me that mother is ‘very poorly.’ This call arrived just as the visiting family and ourselves were sitting down to lunch and upset me. I really don’t need anyone, family or not, to tell me that mum is very ill, especially when she’s not, from 250 miles away and having not seen mum for the last three years. What’s mum playing at? Well she’s just manipulating the situation again to bring the focus and attention on to her. She knew I was making a special New Year’s Day lunch for my family, and mum knew she wasn’t invited (because of her lack of mobility and the ability for her to be safe in my house) and so it goes on.

You’ll understand why I said it was complicated. Nothing about mum is straight forward, everything is about manipulation and about seeking attention on to herself. But I’m going to put my best foot forward and take your advice. One poster is correct, I have said about the difficult relationship I have with my mother before, but it has always been on other threads, so only half addressing my problem, but rather responding to similar problems others have had. I’ve used my difficulties as examples because I know how many of us are out there, judging by Gransnet alone. And the example of the knife has been mentioned once before. That baby is now 44 years old, and the fact that it still hurts me today is testimony to the horror of that little scene in mother’s kitchen, where she laughed so cruelly at my shock and horror of her pretending to offer baby a kitchen devil knife to play with.

Maddy,

You only have one life, how do you want to remember it, how do you want to enjoy it?

Would you be friends with anybody that behaved like your mother? DNA is not a contract to be abused

Maddy , please ask yourself " who is in charge here ?" Certainly not your mother ! I recognize how your history has made it so difficult for you to understand that you are now the dominant partner and you have the power to allow yourself to exercise control - not of your mother but of yourself and the situation you are in. You decide how often you visit, you decide how long to stay , you decide to turn your back without one word and go home feeling proud of yourself for doing that. Your self esteem will grow and grow!
Serendipity , couldn't not respond to your post. I am so sorry that after all the years you still feeling that you were abandoned. I have no experience of adoption so not in a position to advise. However I do know that like me you had wonderful parents and know how very fortunate we were to have had that positive and loving family life. I sincerely hope you are finally coming to some understanding regarding your adoption and are living with peace of mind and like me thankful for all the love my parents gave me - I know how lucky I was . I wish you strength and courage. ?

Oh maddyone, I know exactly how you feel right now. My mother, who I have been estranged from because of her abusive behavior, is in ICU right now. She nearly died on Christmas day.

No matter that I do not like her and do not want to be around her, she is still my mother and I am doing what I can to help my dad and figure out things for the estate.

We do it because 1) it really is the right thing to do as a human and 2) they are still, at the end of the day, our parent.

I am limiting my contact with her. Luckily, my youngest sister is at the hospital with her daily and they only allow 1 visitor per day.

Sometimes it helps to know that you are not the only person out there living through this type of scenario. Please take care of yourself.

A truly awful situation for you maddyone - lifelong distress. My heart goes out to you. There is good advice here about limiting visits; your mother cannot forcibly keep you in the same room to listen to her rude and spiteful diatribes. You can get up, and tell her quietly that you are not prepared to be treated so unkindly, and then leave. Pleae hang on to the knowledge that you - and your husband - have done the right thing and attempted to be kind to her. You can have no regrets about your behaviour.

Maddyone You have described my late mother.

Her favourite phrase was “I rue the day you were born” like you I could fill a book with stories most people would not believe.

I only discovered NPD later in life, my mother was text book.
All I can say is she caused me grief until months after her death, I mopped up her mess all my life.

She is now dead, the day the call came from the care home was surreal, it was sudden despite her 91 years.
It was the day I had hoped for and the day my life began.

Every day I am alive whilst she is dead gives me such strength and joy, my life is so much happier and easier without her.

Hang on in there, she will not live forever.

New Year is the time to rethink, resolve to change our behaviour, be stronger.

maddy is an entirely genuine and well respected poster notgran. She has mentioned her difficult relationship with her mother before but not written about it at such length, possibly because it has suddenly all become too much to bear. Which is entirely understandable.

maddyone has written about her strained relationship with her mother before and now seems at the end of her tether.
She is a genuine and longstanding poster, notgran.

Give yourself some peace
Good advice but not always so easy to do.

I would advise strictly limiting the visits if you find it impossible to give up going, maddyone and cutting short a visit as soon as it becomes difficult.

You say you haven't written about this before? Then I must be going crazy as I remember reading this story fairly recently. The bit about giving your child a knife really shocked me the first time I read it, now less so as I am doubting you. Should you be genuine, it couldn't be easier, stop going to see her if she is in care home. Give yourself some peace,

kittylester

You won't withdraw though, will you, maddy?

My mother was nothing like as bad as yours sounds (horrendous in a different way) but we had been estranged for 6 years when she needed help and I gave it. It's inbuilt, I think.

Probably not kittylester

However, a one hour visit once a week is quite sufficient and, maddyone, be prepared to leave if she becomes abusive.
She's being looked after so you have no worries now about her having problems at home on her own.

I don’t know how you have visited for so long, I had a very loving mum, so a different situation to you, but if it was me in your shoes I would ask myself why am I continuing with this, you have had abuse from her all your life, she’s not going to change! You have tried and tried she doesn’t appreciate anything, it’s your time now to have some peace and do what makes you happy

Sorry I’m on the iPhone my fingers are clumsy
I remember other posts about your mum, how difficult your relationship has been. Also so many other lists from you, full of kind support or constructive comments on various threads. So on reflection, it felt positive to read your feelings about the emotional stresses in your contact with mum
Only you can decide but could you start by reducing the frequency and duration of visits? You don’t need to expose yourself to regular emotional batter Ong’s.
You’ll still be in touch with the card home so any emergency or change in car plans will include you
Can you discuss things easily with your sister. If not, keep yourself counsel as you begin to make changes
Look after yourself. You get this day once, nurture yourself x

Middy I was so sorry to read your post but then remembe

This has been going on for so long maddy and you've given so much with nothing but heartache in return, including searching for the best care home you could find.

I think kittylester may be right, maybe being there for her despite everything she's put you through is "inbuilt".

Don't feel embarrassed in front of the care home staff. They'll see it everyday. Please try to make the most of the fact that she is being cared for. Try and reduce your visits so you can have a break.

Above all, take care of you maddy.

Maddy, I want to give you a virtual hug, but, more importantly, ask you to give yourself one, too. The phrase " the best revenge is to live well " seems apposite, here- maybe not revenge, but you have broken the cycle of behaviour and stopped her terrible ways being passed on to your children. You should be very proud of what you have achieved.
Now, I think that you should follow Shelflife's excellent advice and enjoy the life you have made.

I recognise what you are saying, and I can relate to much of it.
Twenty years ago I walked away from my mother, never to have contact again.
All I can say to you is that I have never looked back, my only regret, I should have done it years before.
The sense of freedom is wonderful, you may face a certain amount of criticism, but take no notice, it’s your life.

maddyone, I sympathise greatly. My mother is very difficult most of the time. She lives at home with my brother who is also difficult. She rarely has a good word for me. I visit now once a week. I usually stay for an hour. If she starts making barbed comments, I leave. I suggest you visit occasionally and detach emotionally. The first nasty comment she makes, leave. Even if you've only been there a few minutes. Tell her nothing about your life. Be vague and give her nothing to get her hooks into.

My mother mentally abused me the whole of my life, but I always thought if I tried harder I could make her happy. I was used to driving 80 miles every fortnight to visit her. On my last visit to her she set about me again and I could take no more. I walked out of there in floods of tears, with a broken heart and told myself no more. Months later I received a phone call to tell me she was dying of cancer but I felt no guilt and still don't.

Dear Maddyone.

I don't know what to say other than i really feel for you, i know the link is stronger than anything you could possible experience, i know that despite the love , care and understanding that your mum has robbed you of, she IS your mum at the end of the day and that link can not be severed no matter how much you wish it could be. I speak from the heart in so much as i was adopted at 6 weeks old, my mum and dad that adopted me were the most perfect, precious mum and dad ever ever but i have never been able to accept the fact i was rejected, 5 counsellors and 1 physiotherapist later and i would say i am 90% there, but it is such a long LONG story. I wanted to say to you that i so understand you and there are absolutely no answers to this extremely deep deep emotional scar.

I feel your pain,hurt and your frustration by it all.

maddyone I know from your posts how you have struggled with your relationship with your mother.
Firstly, well done for breaking the mould and establishing a happy family with your DH and loving relationships with your own children. I hope your sister managed to do the same.

Your mother sounds as if she has always been an unhappy woman, so I wonder what her upbringing was like? Making others in the family miserable seems to have been what kept her going. I wonder if she behaves like a sweet old lady to the staff at the care home?

It's time to take charge, either refuse to be at her beck and call any longer or tell her in no uncertain terms that you won't put up with being spoken to like that. You don't have to put up with her unkindness any more. Don't feel guilty.
Getting old is no excuse for her continued behaviour either.

? and good luck.

It's all been said here, Maddy, so I won't elaborate. May I simp!y say you have my heartfelt admiration ?