Friend constantly wanting to see us

I do agree with an earlier poster that by letting them come in and set the agenda as to when they leave, you are giving them the impression that this is fine, so you can't really expect them to change unless you actively say something. The problem with the coat by the door is, it can't work over and over!

MayBeMaw

I once read of somebody who would answer the door in her coat.
If she was pleased to see the person on the step she would say she had just got in, if not, like OP is feeling, she would say she was just going out.

Brilliant! xx

It’s also a lie if you let her in when you don’t want to…

My elderly aunt used to go around the house wearing a hat. When I asked why she always said ," if someone comes that I don't want to stay, I tell them I'm going out. If someone that I like comes I tell them I've just come in. " Problem solved for her. It didn't always work for me . I had a neighbour who used to just open the door and shout "Nipsmum you are in ?" She frequently was standing in the living room before I got there. She used to stay for hours. M y children were playing outside so it wasn't convenient to keep the door locked.

I heard of a trick where you keep a coat near the door and put it on before you open the door, so you can say "Oh, sorry, just on my way out!" :-)

When people can't, for whatever reason, draw healthy boundaries in relationships you have to do it for them. You're not being unreasonable to let her know that you can't accommodate her need to talk just now.

You don't need to lie. You just say that you are sorry but it isn't convenient right now. You don't have to explain, you don't have to be unkind. You can follow up with a request to meet at a time and a place to suit you so your friend knows that you still want to be friends but you are busy until the time you state. If that doesn't work, you may have to be more specific about how this is affecting you. It isn't unkind to say that you are having difficulty finding space for you and your husband so you are reducing visits with people.

my idea of friendship which has taken me many years to realise is one of balance, give and take etc. i also listen to my gut feelings.I have had a long pattern for helping others , each time i was being used. now i have a small circle of real friends!

I thought I’d strayed into into a 2019 thread! Is everyone mixing/visiting/mingling as per pre Covid??
Everyone I know is still limiting visits and having PCR tests before prearranged visits indoors.

Their behaviour is actually quite selfish. They aren't considering what is pleasant or convenient for you at all. I agree that you should tackle it as a couple but its not just your husband who should be putting his foot down.

The coat by the door thing is good - unless she then says "I'll come with you " !
But at least then you will be able to suggest that you go somewhere for a coffee and while you are there, make a comment that it is so much nicer and such a treat to go out for coffee these days!
Asking her to text ahead is a good idea especially if you add that you and DH have a lot of things going on at the moment, so you might not be in if she calls on spec.

Open the door & say sorry but we are isolating.
Open the door & say sorry my hubby is not feeling well
Open the the front door & tell them you are expecting family to visit with an urgent problem.
Open the door & say we are having a romantic night in.
Open the door and say hi we are busy today give me a ring tomorrow & we will sort out a time for you to come around. Get the gist?

Look this has clearly developed into a situation that you are not happy with so you really need to do something about it.

It’s your life, your home and it’s really not acceptable for these people to keep foisting themselves on you, purely because it suits them, because that is what’s happening here.

I know they are friends and I get that you don’t want to upset them, but actually they are not thinking about you at all are they?
They continually turn up at your house because they don’t want to be at home, but that’s not your problem.

It’s really time to knock this on the head next time they text by saying that it’s not convenient. Keep it brief, keep it simple, don’t get involved in explaining why it’s inconvenient or you will find yourself giving in, and you’re back to square one.

You have put up with this long enough.

Thank you, lots to think about. We have offered to meet up with them whilst we are already out this weekend. Hopefully that will put them off for awhile. Problem about saying I have jobs is that she will offer to do them for me or to help me. It all gets a bit overwhelming (and annoying). I have contacted other friends to go out this Saturday so we have a genuine excuse that we are going out. Can’t believe I am typing this!!

MayBeMaw, that has really made me laugh ! ? What a great solution.

MaybeMaw?….I think I’ll try that ….there’s a couple who, until Covid, used to come almost every Saturday about lunch time and invariably, I’d do a nice brunch for us all. Never reciprocated, maybe once, in all the 10 years I’ve been here. ..

If they contact you say today (Thursday) just say something like "We're really busy just now how about next Thursday instead ?" or whatever day it happens to be. Now and again you could maybe add : "We can come to you, it would be nice for us to have a change of scenery." That way you're putting some distance in without saying no outright and by inviting yourself there you can get up & go whenever you want & you hopefully won't feel so trapped & enjoy their company more, knowing you can escape. Failing that just say no, there's no need to explain why or feel guilty about it.

I was going to say what Maw said Coward that I am.

I can see because you invite them in that they may be getting the wrong message. Reminded me of years and years ago when I learnt never to drop in on impulse. I was in the car with my children who were very small when I realised I was near to an old neighbour, I decided to say hello. She was a little surprised and welcomed me in. To my horror another friend was visiting her and I remembered at that point that she had told me sometime before. Obviously it looked like I had gatecrashed. I left as soon as I could. Many years later I was at a party when the lady I had visited and not seen for years, came over to me put her arm through mine and said I am going to stick with you as I don't want to get stuck with ..... the lady who had been visiting!

I always use the rule of 3.
If, after 3 times of trying to contact someone with no response, I take it they do not want to see me and cease contact.
Admittedly, easier to do with distant friends then a nuisance next-door-neighbour.

Chestnut

If it's just these random visits that's the problem then can't you say you're just going out shortly, have visitors arriving soon or any other excuse not to be available. If she's texting then don't give her permission to call. If she turns up unexpectedly then just don't open the door and don't answer your phone if she rings from outside. She can't expect you to be available at any time.

Good ideas here....use them.

I think you should invite them in and say that there is something you want to discuss with them. Tell them that you enjoy their company and seeing them regularly but that you would prefer to make definite arrangements as you have other things to get done as well. Tell them that when they just turn up you find yourself falling behind with other jobs and that this stresses you out,. and makes chatting etc less enjoyable because you are always aware of what needs doing.
Say that you would like to ensure that you arrange an expected time to meet up, visit each others houses or go out regularly. Then agree the next time to meet up ...maybe a planned trip for coffee or lunch, something to look forw2ard to etc!!

If they get "huffy" repeat that you enjoy their company etc and want to fully enjoy it ...so ...repeat repeat!!

Say it all kindly but not apologetically and keep referring to enjoying their company but ....

I am withSodapop on this you have to be honest and tell them you don't have time for all these visits and can they limit them. I got round this with a friend who wanted all my attention by saying I have to make time for other people in my life too. I also said it is not always possible to do all the things that other people want us to do. We then set dates to meet which was an acceptable solution for both of us. Worth a try it may work for you too.

When she messages could you reply with “can you make Monday instead ?”Don't explain then you have no need to lie.

If she replies with "why not today?' Ignore the message. Next time you see her and she brings it up tell her that you just want more time to potter around the house and have become lazy sitting around chatting so much.

I have this same problem, though minor as they don't come too often and don't outstay their welcome, but they don't call ahead (I understand, they are family and of the generation that would expect to 'just pop in')

I also think that the husband might find this a bit of a respite if his unwell wife is getting on his nerves - this is very common with mental health issues of course!

I don't think you need to lie outright.
Every so often I say 'I'm so sorry, you've just caught me with [something] I need to finish before we go out'. I make the 'something' a form I have to fill in and get in the post, a computer issue I need to solve, or something they can't come and natter through.
If she happens to say later 'Did you get your form / issue sorted?' and you look blank for a moment, follow it up with 'Oh, it wasn't that major in the end, you just caught me right in the middle of sorting it'.
I also think they are unlikely to watch and see if you do actually go out!

I'd also say that if they do pick up that you are 'finessing the truth' then they may realise there is a problem.
I also agree that jumping ahead and making a time for them to call may be helpful.

I also think you have to work out how much you feel obligated because they are friends, and how much because she is unwell and they need support.