Such different attitudes to cooking/food is causing hugh rift between us

I am a vegetarian, married to a carnivore for nearly 50 years. It's never been a problem. Our daughters were all vegetarian as teens - now one vegetarian, one vegan and one omnivore.

My sister is a vegetarian and her husband a very enthusiastic carnivore (or I should really say omnivore!) but they have always compromised and she will happily cook him meat dishes and he very often will cook his own meals which is not possible, I know, in this case. I see part of the problem here as one person is ‘live to eat’, in other words very interested in cooking and the preparation of food and the other is ‘eat to live’ where food is an enjoyable necessity but not to be fussed over too much. My sister, the veggie, is a live to eat person as is her husband. I am definitely eat to live and we frequently can’t understand each other’s attitude to food! Could this lady not start off with a cookery book or internet stream showing how to prepare simple, delicious and healthy meals? After all, heavy sauces and richer foods are not particularly fashionable today and certainly not healthy for a bed bound person whose activity levels must be restricted? Asian and ‘fusion’ foods are certainly ‘of the moment’, are often healthy and vegetarian based and, I’m told, wonderful! (As an eat to live person who lives alone, I rarely go to much trouble to cook such things!). There are also, as mentioned, very good boxes to order, which while relatively expensive can give a good insight/tutorial on the widening of one’s repertoire-I know they have for my daughter.

I like cooking- but have used HelloFresh and Gousto when busy or have a special offer.
They are not cheap at full price, but very useful! Of the two I prefer Gousto, more variety and better seasoning I think. If you are not such a confident cook, that might be the way to go.

boheminan
Do you have a local pub or restaurant which will deliver meals?
Many of them are doing that since the Covid restrictions came into force, to enable them to keep going.
I'm not saying every day, but I know some local to us do that, our friends have had Sunday lunches delivered and there is always enough for two days.
You could order vegetarian for you and a meat dish for your DH.

Have you tried Charlie Bighams ready meals? Waitrose have them and there is a reasonable variety. Not massive portions but we eat smaller portions these days anyway and if enjoyed with a glass of wine and some decent conversation they are nice once in a while. It could also work if you approached a restaurant specializing in the ethnic style of his choice and asked them to make up perhaps six portions of four of his favourite dishes. Tell them why you want to do it. Then freeze them into 24 portions. You don't need to eat them at all if you fancy something simpler. I use those little foil dishes with cardboard lids and I make up a big pot of cauliflower cheese , which I love but my husband doesn't. I make up six or seven individual portions and freeze them. 25 mins in the oven and they are ready to go. For him there will be a bought in pie which he loves and I like but don't eat as I try to avoid pastry. My own pies are delicious but I would definitely want to eat them if I made them. So they are a very, very, rare treat.
If your other half moans after you showing that amount of ingenuity then a brief conversation about ingratitude, not being a servant and possibly the words 'spoilt brat' might be called for.
Seriously, good luck with this, together you will be able to reach a compromise, he will learn to remember his manners, you will show pleasure and delight when compliments any of it and may say something like "I'm so glad you enjoyed that, it makes it all feel worth the effort when you like it".

Hello Mrs B. Life is hard sometimes and we all follow that bumpy road called living. Two people living together can cause grumbles. It is give and take. I would squash the grumbles in their tracks with “ I am doing my best!” Take or leave it. Dog does not mind - leave it and it will be in the dog and you can go hungry. Makes people think! It is a line of saying something and the other learning to keep quiet and be thankful of any help. I practice both ways myself. With the cooking - I get a supermarket delivery one a week. Meals are often planned by what is on offer. I cater for both meat eaters and vegetarians as we often have family visitors to feed. I love the saying - feed a rainbow. Try to make the meal colourful with the vegetables. Orange carrots, swede. yellow corn, green pea’s, cabbage, peppers. You are doing Great! Use the slow cooker more. It will help with time. Cook some all in one meals.

It sounds as though he loves noodle dishes in sauce, these are really pretty easy, you can buy so many different varieties of easy to cook noodles, ready made sauces and different mixes of ready to cook stir fry vegetables to go with them. If you use meat or fish for his half you can use a veggie alternative for yours. You can heat up some of the sauce for his half of the meal with extra chilli (such as Gran Luchito Chipotle Chilli Paste which you can buy everywhere).
It only takes a moment to decant half the veg/noodle mix into another pan and then add half the sauce to each with veggie or carnivore additions such as tofu or prawns. You can ring the changes with creamy or curry sauces or use creme fraiche.
My DH is a determined carnivore but actually quite likes Puy lentils. I boil these then cook with fried onions and seasonings (including fresh thyme and balsamic vinegar which your DH would appreciate). We have this with rice or mash and nice sausages - I'm sure you could find some classy or unusual sausages which he likes and you could have veggie ones. Add a portion of wilted spinach to his (a 2 minute cooking job) and he should be happy. If there are lentils left over you can have them with or in other dishes, or simply eat them yourself when you cook meat for him.
This sausage and lentil combo is a take on a "Gastro Pub" meal and it sounds as though it might be a good compromise between your idea of normal food and his idea of something a bit more special. You might try looking at the Gastro Pub ready meals in the supermarket for inspiration?

Why not stimulate his interest in food by asking him to write down his recipes (dictating to you if necessary) plus any new recipe ideas he thinks might work, to make his own cookbook. If he cooked for you previously he will have a decent knowledge of plain or veggie food too, so do 1 day your food the next day his in a rota for 6 days, then on the 7th day in the week order a takeaway (Friday fish and chips perhaps form the best chippy in town(or pub or restaurant!). This sounds like a long term situation, so you are both going to have to make efforts to adjust so maybe this could be a new start.

I’d suggest you buy occasional copies of a cookery magazine; Delicious and Good Food for example, which have lots of ideas for interesting and sometimes easy meals, both veggie and meaty which you might even enjoy cooking. For simplicity, Delia Smith’s How to Cheat cookbook was much derided when published but has some really good ideas. Also Jamie Oliver’s Take 5 Ingredients for simple but interesting meals without masses of ingredients to buy in if you don’t keep a store.
I’m a keen cook, though, and appreciate you might not be. My DH has vegetarian leanings but will occasionally eat fish, prawns or chicken. I find it best to make a basic meal, say a chopped onion/garlic/celery/carrots combo gently cooked till soft in a tablespoon or 2 of olive oil, you can then add spices if you want to, could make suggestions if you wish. Then add a can of drained beans, eg cannellini or butter beans or chick peas . Top his with prawns, a roast chop or chicken joint for him and a fried egg for you. And some chopped coriander or parsley for him! Or vary your chips with sweet potato chips, and your fried egg with an omelette with various fillings for him, actually easier than a properly cooked fried egg! Also most root veg and squash are very tasty brushed with olive oil and a little salt/garlic salt and roasted in a medium/hot oven for half an hour or so. Risottos (his rice things) are quite straightforward to do, and can be veggie or meaty, though you have to stand over the stove stirring for 20 minutes or so. Delia did an oven baked mushroom one, though not in that book. Hope this helps, good luck!
Can sympathise! DF lived with us for some years before he died, and all he ever wanted to eat was fish and chips, egg and chips and rice pudding, opposite problem, I suppose.

It sounds like your husband is very angry about being bedridden, and food is one of the ways he is screaming about his changed life. I suspect that even if you provided a Michelin star meal, he would find fault!

Does he really have to remain in bed? My daughter is unable to mobilise at all and has hoists, lifts to move her about and in to one of her chairs. The chairs hold her in place through strapping and cushions.

She can't physically cook, but in her case she 'cooks', with the help of her carers, she tells them what to do and it becomes a joint effort.

If your husband can't do that, could he go through a menu with him, perhaps find recipes that you feel confident with and freeze what you don't need?

I must admit that as somene who likes good food (not bothered about the garnishes) having seen a relative who could no longer cook having to switch to ready meals and then on to mass produced stuff in a care home, the idea fills me with horror!

I'm someone who loves my food and I must admit that if I was confined to bed I would really look forward to mealtimes. Personally I think that the Charlie Bigham meals are delicious but often very high in fat and calorific - I'm guessing that it would be very easy to put on weight if you are inactive in bed.

Loyd Grossman does curry and pasta sauces which are really very nice. The puttanesca is better than my homemade version, the tomato and chilli, smoked or roasted garlic and tomato and bacon are lovely. You can use them as sauces for chops or fillets as well as pasta - though you can have veggie yourself. I'd suggest that you buy one of the slightly better brands of pasta such as De Cecco or Garofalo, they're much nicer and it would look as though you're trying!

Lidl do big jars of precooked/chargrilled aubergine, red pepper, sun-dried tomatoes and other vegetables which you can use to tart up simple meals too.

I agree with others that you could buy squeezy bottles of balsamic glaze or a small bottle of extra virgin olive oil to dot or drizzle on suitable dishes.

A jar of tarpenade will keep for ages in the fridge and is nice spread on a microwaved fillet of fish, Waitrose do a ready meal of sea bass fillets like this. A jar of harissa paste is useful, you can smear it on meat for a while before you grill or fry it.

I've been watching an old series of Jamie's 15 minute meals and you might try watching some of his programmes or borrow one of the books from the library? He shows how you can cook and present a fairly simple meal in an attractive way which your DH would probably appreciate.

Daftbag you make some good points.
He must feel very helpless and perhaps doesn't like relying on you so much, boheminan
It's not just the food, is it.

Do you have carers coming in who could help him out of bed perhaps with a hoist so that at least he could have a change of scene!

I he able to type on a tablet or laptop? Perhaps he could type up his recipes and print them out so you could make a book of them together.

You might look on Ebay or local sales sites to see if you can get a Sage (Breville) risotto cooker or something similar? I got a used one second-hand and, whilst it's maybe not quite the same as stirring for 20 minutes, it really is perfectly acceptable. Use carnaroli rice and test rice for "cookedness" as it gets close to being ready.

Callistemon21

Daftbag you make some good points.
He must feel very helpless and perhaps doesn't like relying on you so much, boheminan
It's not just the food, is it.

Do you have carers coming in who could help him out of bed perhaps with a hoist so that at least he could have a change of scene!

I he able to type on a tablet or laptop? Perhaps he could type up his recipes and print them out so you could make a book of them together.

What a good idea to put a recipe book together with him!

I see my typos now, apologies for the ! which sounds rude - it should have been a ?

boheminan

Thank you for your responses. There should be a way of compromising. He loves authentic dishes with mysterious (to me) exotic ingredients, he'll complain over anything that doesn't contain his favourite noodles/rice/hot sauce. He will not eat a 'plain meal'. He used to do the cooking before he was ill and although I didn't always enjoy it, I'd eat it.

It's good his appetite's up, but the psychological effect it's having being constantly criticized is causing me misery. Eating meals together to me is an important part of interacting, but we don't do that anymore.

Ready meals are brilliant, I'll eat them, but Mr B wants the real authentic deal, cooked from scratch.

I've been advised that a lot of his behaviour is due to his illness, the food fad is the tip of the iceberg.

is it permanent or temporary? also knowing in general terms what the illness is might help with advice. Emotionally for you, it can help if you can see the nasty comments as your husbands illness speaking and not him? alos of course a part of his reaction might be a form of grieving for his lost independence.

I was introduced to recipe boxes during the first lockdown, when I was struggling to get supermarkets to deliver and also struggling to think of what to cook. I'm not an enthusiastic chef, more of an 'eat to live' person like the OP, while OH likes what he calls 'tasty' meals i.e. lots of complicated (to me) spices etc.

To be honest, these recipe boxes have transformed our meals. Amazingly, I actually enjoy cooking them. It took a few tries to get to grips with how they work but as long as you read the recipe through before you start, and understand that even though they say it takes 30 minutes it's always going to take about 50% longer, it's really not difficult.

To keep costs down, we only have the recipe boxes fortnightly and just three meals each time. They give you a nice recipe card so you can make the same thing again if you want to buy in the ingredients - although sometimes the quantities are given as "a sachet of...." rather than tbsp or whatever. One warning - check the ingredients when the box arrives as very occasionally an item is missing or damaged, but if that happens they are very good about it and immediately give a generous credit.

We are on our 4th company now; even though we like the meals, after a while it starts to get a bit repetitive as there are some things, such as quinoa or risotto that we never eat. Each time I fancy a change I look out for an introductory offer. We've tried Hello Fresh, Gousto, Green Chef (which is owned by Hello Fresh but has different meals) and right now we have Waitrose/Mindful Chef. I think we have a slight preference for Green Chef and Mindful Chef but enjoyed most of the meals we've had. Waitrose/Mindful Chef give you a recipe booklet for all that week's recipes, not just the ones you chose, and also Waitrose Weekend newspaper and Waitrose Food or Health magazines.

We never ate veggie meals before having the recipe boxes (unless you count cheese or beans on toast as veggie) but some of the veggie recipes sounded so good that we started choosing them, and enjoy them. I would definitely recommend having a look at some of the above websites. If you want to give them a try and can't find an introductory offer feel free to ask and I can send a link for a free box (you do have to register for regular deliveries after the free box, and cancel if you don't want to continue).

Good luck, hope you find a solution to your problem.

I've always cooked most of our meals from scratch, and its been appreciated by my other half, but lately I have felt that I'm not enjoying it, we've sat & talked it through, and both agreed that I should perhaps make life easier for myself. Hence, I've started to use Lloyd Grossman sauces and I've found that I enjoy my lasagne & spag. bol. even more! I've yet to try a curry in this way. I've just bought a beef & ale sauce for a casserole. All I'm saying is perhaps you could try different prepared sauces to make some delicious dishes. That along with the occasional takeaway may help.

Try home delivered meals for him if it is within your budget. Otherwise just do some batch cooking and tell him this is as good as it gets. He must have known your culinary abilities. Some people can cook and some people can't.

I am sorry your husband is ill. He does have to understand that you can't cook as he did. I think if you are giving him nourishing food he should eat it instead of leaving it. That is just not polite. You really need to talk to him about this. Surely he realizes that you cannot produce meals the same as he did.

bohemian give him the phone, a selection of takeaway menus along with his wallet and leave him to sort his own meals out.

Have you looked at the "Cook" website to see if they deliver in your area. Lots & Lots of choice & good sized portions, not the cheapest meals but (I think) good quality.

It is very upsetting to be constantly criticised or feel that you are.
We tried a couple of companies with the ingredients delivered to you when they offered deals. You get recipe cards with them to follow which you can keep and adapt later and use with your own bought ingredients eg. burgers on brioche rolls with coleslaw and potato wedges using mince (could be beef, pork, chicken, quorn). You can do it all yourself i.e homemade burgers, homemade coleslaw etc or buy good quality shop made burgers, coleslaw. What I'm trying to say is that we have all the recipe cards now and use them with our own shop bought ingredients. Can't be bothered by fancy garnishes though apart from cream. Only what we have in the cupboard.

Try Cook, if they are available in your area. The meals are made just like homemade meals. They do a wide variety of meals including vegetarian and some vegan.