Granddad in desperate need of advice

Hi Monica first paragraph in reply to your comments thank you
I hope she does not think that of me I have asked her to which I got a resounding no. My nieces are happy for their children much younger to be left with me day and night. When my granddaughter was preschool age mum and her would come and stay the week or weekend every other week never with dad. I would go into the garden with my granddaughter, and we would play and explore for hours only returning to the house when a meal was ready, that was all about exploring, building dens, learning about nature my job was to keep her safe and happy in a garden over 5 acres with woods and water has many dangers and those days will be treasured memories for ever. Now is different at 9 she is quite the young lady getting dirty and climbing trees is no longer the attraction it used to be. She is now able to hold a sensible conversation knows right from wrong. Is funny and always happy.

Sleepover is not an issue for me when I go to her weekly sports training, her friends talk about their sleepovers, she seems quite happy for them and accepts mum won’t let her have a sleepover at theirs. I personally feel she is missing out. The sleepover can be anywhere, Sleepovers are a life skill/experience it is an opportunity for a child to learn to look after themselves without mum and dad and good for their development it is also part of their schooling with school holidays trips away usually overseas. Being away from mum and dad for the first time can be daunting. A local sleep over for one night can eliminate that anxiety. So when the school trip comes it’s all fun.
I would just like some quality time to sit with my granddaughter for a while and have a conversation without her mum butting in and answering her questions for her. I am allowed to take her locally for lunch that includes places like Pizza hut, McDonalds and Miller & Carter not quite the places for a quite conversation with all the noises going on. The moment I asked to take her further a field to a nice restaurant it becomes a no.
Quality time with her should be one to one add other family members then its still quality time and much appreciated but with a difference. On the occasions I collect her from school it’s a 10 minute drive home during that time concentrating on a safe ride home is not the right time for a good chat asking about her school day is more important, she will expand on the subject she most enjoyed that day then she is at home. Straight into school homework.

It would be a shame to spoil the relationship with her parents by demanding more than they're comfortable with.

Or by criticising what they're doing.

I'd get very annoyed with you if you were my dad and kept banging on about what you think my daughter should have.

It's irrelevant what you might think of their decisions. The decisions are theirs to make and that's all there is to it.

You say your GD accepts the 'no sleepover rule' so maybe you should too StanDad. You really are getting to spend a lot of time with her, a lot more than many and some GP's never see their GC at all.

Do be thankful for what you have and don't spoil it for yourself by wanting more.

OP

Your opinion about sleep overs and how important they are for kids does not matter - you are not a parent

You are already quality time with your gd. Plenty of it.

Please adjust your expectations and do not request anything that you know will be denied - pushing against a rule like a velociraptor will get you in trouble with the parents.

You know what my generation survived very well without sleepovers so don’t put too much importance on them 9 is still quite young I think sleepovers may happen more when she becomes a teen but maybe never and if they don’t that’s the childhood she will accept
You have a blooming wonderful relationship, stay with it accept what you get and don’t worry about what you don’t get
She’s one lucky young lady to have so many fantastic memories and learning experiences with you
Well done Grandad Stan just stay with what you ve got and enjoy your next McDs meal, noise or no noise Do you know how many grandparents on here would give their eye teeth just to have one hug, let alone all you have

she is probably much more comfortable going to mcdonalds than she would be in what you call a nice restaurant.
as for picking up from school; could you go fetch her by bus, that would give you more attention to devote to conversation.
you seem to be wanting to shoehorn her into relating with you in a way that you imagine would be better for her; but really that is not your role to decide or arrange or campaign for.
be honest, is it not really for your own emotional satisfaction.

If it is a universal 'no sleepovers' rule then you need to just roll with it. Every parent has specific rules that others do not understand.

In our family, it was our DGS himself who, until he was 9, would not sleep anywhere unless he had one of his parents with him, then one day he asked to go for a sleepover with his best friend and he has been fine ever since.

Hi FarNorth
First I have never asked D if GD can have a sleepover at mine. I once asked my GD if she would like a sleepover the reply was mum said a can not have sleepovers. Next time my D came to stay She asked if I had asked GD if she wanted a sleepover I replied yes D said please don’t ask her again that was over a year ago and the subject has never been mentioned again. Doesn't stop me thinking about it.
Both my children who I love dearly have horrendous life styles they both made their beds now they have to live with it. I would never criticize how they live or what they do unless asked for advice and even then if I think it would upset them I just say I wouldn’t know or don’t really have an opinion. My only input is keeping them financially stable. Or asking them if I could help with something they wanted but do not have the money for such as holiday. Car, new heating system
Not Knowing what’s round the corner and I only have the one GD, last October I asked my D if I could take GD out for the day to London the answer was no. No is the answer so no it is I will not ask again until she is 13 that’s almost 4 years away if I’m still alive. So this weekend I asked If I could just take her to lunch by herself was told off for asking and told not to ask again that was really disappointing. I will never ask again to take her out for a meal by herse

Hi Hithere
Unless she is reading the comments she would have no idea what I think of sleepovers and I certainly would not tell her. The way she brings up her child is for her and him only only unless the child was being wrongly treated and was in danger

Although you have more than some grandparents I do feel for you StanDad. I can sense your sadness.

OP

Why don't you stop asking what you can do with your GD and wait for her parents to suggest anything?

Your daughter's reaction indicates she is running out of patience.
Please back off.

"My only input is keeping them financially stable. Or asking them if I could help with something they wanted but do not have the money for such as holiday. Car, new heating system"
This is very dangerous
What are your AC going to do when you are no longer able to fulfill this role?

Accept what you have - it sounds lovely as it is. As your granddaughter gets older she may decide how she wants to spend her time with you. This may mean more time, but it may also mean less. You just have respect her parents wishes and let her know how much she means to you in whatever way you are permitted.

And sleepovers are greatly over-rated.

I agree with GrannyRose

You already have so much, you need to let this go.

Besides, spending time with grandchildren happens while they are awake, not while they are sleeping

Hi Welbeck
I wish she did prefer Mac or hut when more time available give her the choice and Claridge’s is always her first choice not for the food with her just the way they look after her.
Just wanting a couple of hours by herself now is a no-go her mums also think’s I would get more out of the time than GD. That’s not necessary so I could tell her stories about her mum when she was a little girl what my life has been like what the future can hold for her the benefits of always working hard at school remembering the funny moments in her life and no matter what happens in life there will always be more good than bad and its ok to cry. Lots and lots to talk about. Grandparents have a wealth of information they can pass on to GC
Of course, I would have gotten some satisfaction, but that would be short lived if GD found it boring.

I agree with your daughter, this is more for your benefit than your gd's

"Just wanting a couple of hours by herself now is a no-go her mums also think’s I would get more out of the time than GD. That’s not necessary so I could tell her stories about her mum when she was a little girl what my life has been like what the future can hold for her the benefits of always working hard at school remembering the funny moments in her life and no matter what happens in life there will always be more good than bad and its ok to cry. Lots and lots to talk about. Grandparents have a wealth of information they can pass on to GC"

Hithere
Why don't you stop asking what you can do with your GD and wait for her parents to suggest anything?

I would be surprised if you could come up with something we had not already done. Covid has been a blessing in disguise pre and now post we have to do something every week and school holidays (I pay for her private education so her school holidays are a lot longer than public schools) everyday including when we stay at hotels. Next month they have got me registered for an assault course because mum and dad won’t climb through muddy tunnels or wade through rivers I shall probably die on the course because GD can only do it with an adult and I was her first choice anyway.

Your daughter's reaction indicates she is running out of patience.
Please back off.

I have only ever made two requests of my D re GD they where 4 months apart and different questions I have committed myself to only ask one again in four years time when GD is 13 The sadness and tears in her eyes not being within her to say yes hurt her.
Neither of them re sleepover.

"My only input is keeping them financially stable. Or asking them if I could help with something they wanted but do not have the money for such as holiday. Car, new heating system"
This is very dangerous
What are your AC going to do when you are no longer able to fulfill this role

If you are referring to my passing away they should be alright. Hopefully my GD and her Trustee’s will look after that with the provisions within the trust.

Standad Are you in the UK or the US?

Hi Sago
UK

Interesting your use of the word “gotten” and you seem a bit mixed up regarding the UK schooling.
Here we have public schools, eg Eton, Harrow etc.
We then have private or independent schools, these are fee paying.
The rest are state schools.

Hi Sago
Thank you for that.
I apologize for calling state school public and using gotten instead of received . If you ran all my comments passed an English teacher I am sure there would be lots of grammatical errors

You re obviously a very rich man private school and claridges for food (beyond most) perhaps your daughter and son in law can’t keep up with your treats and which is overtaking what THEY can do for their own daughter if everything is paid for by you

Please don’t put all your eggs in one basket I think you are perhaps in peril of over doing the grandad role you say you have great nieces and nephews over day or night but do you do other things with your own friends or have hobbies of your own

Both my children who I love dearly have horrendous life styles I wonder what you mean by this I also wonder if your benevolence and involvement is wearing thin with at least one child

your 9 year old GD is used to going to claridges ?

OP, you say,
<Now is different at 9 she is quite the young lady getting dirty and climbing trees is no longer the attraction it used to be>
and yet she wants to go bog snorkling or something with you ?

I must say that is a good post Bluebelle.

I was thinking along those lines myself.

If things only ever carry on as they are then you have plenty of quality time with her already.

Be happy with what you’re got.

I feel sure sleepovers with friends are to be looked forward in teenage years, when the time is right. And the friends suitable, for mum and dad to decide.

I would back off a little and cultivate other interests.

Am I the only one who thinks some of this thread is a bit weird?