Granddad in desperate need of advice

Hi Monica first paragraph in reply to your comments thank you
I hope she does not think that of me I have asked her to which I got a resounding no. My nieces are happy for their children much younger to be left with me day and night. When my granddaughter was preschool age mum and her would come and stay the week or weekend every other week never with dad. I would go into the garden with my granddaughter, and we would play and explore for hours only returning to the house when a meal was ready, that was all about exploring, building dens, learning about nature my job was to keep her safe and happy in a garden over 5 acres with woods and water has many dangers and those days will be treasured memories for ever. Now is different at 9 she is quite the young lady getting dirty and climbing trees is no longer the attraction it used to be. She is now able to hold a sensible conversation knows right from wrong. Is funny and always happy.

Sleepover is not an issue for me when I go to her weekly sports training, her friends talk about their sleepovers, she seems quite happy for them and accepts mum won’t let her have a sleepover at theirs. I personally feel she is missing out. The sleepover can be anywhere, Sleepovers are a life skill/experience it is an opportunity for a child to learn to look after themselves without mum and dad and good for their development it is also part of their schooling with school holidays trips away usually overseas. Being away from mum and dad for the first time can be daunting. A local sleep over for one night can eliminate that anxiety. So when the school trip comes it’s all fun.
I would just like some quality time to sit with my granddaughter for a while and have a conversation without her mum butting in and answering her questions for her. I am allowed to take her locally for lunch that includes places like Pizza hut, McDonalds and Miller & Carter not quite the places for a quite conversation with all the noises going on. The moment I asked to take her further a field to a nice restaurant it becomes a no.
Quality time with her should be one to one add other family members then its still quality time and much appreciated but with a difference. On the occasions I collect her from school it’s a 10 minute drive home during that time concentrating on a safe ride home is not the right time for a good chat asking about her school day is more important, she will expand on the subject she most enjoyed that day then she is at home. Straight into school homework.

I would have said exactly what Monica said but not half as articulately. I would also add the suggestion of ageism. No, I'm not saying you're old. Certainly not but I am suggesting that, in the minds of your GD parents, you are more vulnerable by virtue of age and that is a huge consideration for them in terms of their D's welfare. I have experience of this but had a kindly and satisfactory explanation. There y'go...... Sounds like what you have is pretty wonderful. I find sole responsibility a constant awareness even amidst the absolute joy. Good luck.

The relationship you have with your D and GD is priceless StanDad. So many wonderful memories are being made so enjoy the making of them. They are lucky to have you in their lives, and you are lucky to have them.

I really wouldn’t push for sleep overs as your daughter often stays at yours along with your Granddaughter.
Every time you spend with her is ‘quality time’ and they both obviously enjoy being with you.
You seem to have a lovely relationship with them both, please don’t spoil it.

Shelflife

You are one lucky Grandad! You have a sound relationship with your daughter and spend lots of time with your granddaughter, please be happy with your situation. If the child’s parents choose not to go out in the evening that is fine and their choice! Whatever the marital situation is for your daughter it is her business , just be there for her and don’t expect more than she can give. Enjoy the time you have with them and stop craving a sleepover for your GD it is clear that is not going to happen, so please respect that.

This is exactly what I would have posted.
Your daughter and granddaughter are lucky ladies indeed.
Enjoy what you have and don’t hanker after sleepovers.

You are one lucky Grandad! You have a sound relationship with your daughter and spend lots of time with your granddaughter, please be happy with your situation. If the child’s parents choose not to go out in the evening that is fine and their choice! Whatever the marital situation is for your daughter it is her business , just be there for her and don’t expect more than she can give. Enjoy the time you have with them and stop craving a sleepover for your GD it is clear that is not going to happen, so please respect that.

StanDad
There’s nothing wrong with you from what I’ve read ?
I have 2 grandchildren still at the sleepover stage.
I know that my son in law and daughter love and trust me very much, but, my son in law loves his children to be at home in their own beds.
They do sleep over when mum & dad are going out and are going to be late. That doesn’t bother me one jot.

Standad I really don't think you need to worry there is anything wrong with you from what you have said.

Their marriage is also their business unless you are asked for help, hard as that is.

Just enjoy being with your daughter and granddaughter, they seem to come as a package deal and that's not a bad thing

Sadly, it is up to your daughter to speak up if she is unhappy with the situation

Oh dear ☹️
It really is best to stay out of their relationship though, even if/when you can see the glaring inconsistencies...

My last comments in response to Hithere

Thank you for your comments I have taken them on board
When I said they have never been out together I did not mention the times he is working he is of out drinking every week at least once till the early hours and off for weekends away with the boys. It is my daughter that has never been out by herself with her friends because he does not like them. They are both over fifty

StanDad you can only offer the outings and treats you think your granddaughter might enjoy.
Consider though that your daughter and her partner may have still turned some of them down even if your wife were still alive.
Try to be philosophical and not take these knock-backs personally. You do indeed sound like a lovely grandad ?

Esspee

There have been many threads on here from grans wanting sleepovers etc. personally I have never understood the need to have a child overnight if the parent isn’t comfortable being apart from them.
You appear to have a lovely relationship with your granddaughter, try to enjoy it without longing for more.

Quite agree. l

You sound completely lovely it’s a huge disappointment but don’t let it spoil things with your precious granddaughter I had the most special relationship with my granddad he only ever had me on my own to take me for a walk he bought me my first camera and we used to go for walks to take photos
He died when I was 16 he was only 61 and it totally broke my heart
I hope you are allowed to take her for a meal alone how special would that be but if not continue doing what you’re doing she will have wonderful memories of your time together and you have so much more than many many grandparents

There have been many threads on here from grans wanting sleepovers etc. personally I have never understood the need to have a child overnight if the parent isn’t comfortable being apart from them.
You appear to have a lovely relationship with your granddaughter, try to enjoy it without longing for more.

m not saying it is, just a thought. We (my husband and I) look after our granddaughter a lot and to be honest it is much easier when there is two of you. Maybe just ask her.

It sounds as though you have a very loving relationship with your granddaughter. As she is still quite young just enjoy the fun you have together. Her mum must feel she is not ready to have sleepovers etc yet.
You and your granddaughter are very lucky to have each other.

Lovely grandad - I too am hoping that Imogen is not her real name. You have a great relationship with your family. Don’t rock the boat !

I understand how you feel Standad, I would feel the same in the same circumstances, but I think the problem lies in the relatonship between your DD and her husband and the care they are taking of their daughter.

Many parents today are, what I would consider over protective with chlldren, especially girls. They read stories of all the child abuse that has occurred and reach a stage where they will not let their child be alone with any man at any time.

I do not mean that they suspect that you, personally, would abuse your darling graanddaughter, but they just have a generic fear of abuse that ends in a blanket, every man a danger. A bit like the feminist claim - every man a rapist-.

That may not be the reason, you never go out alone with her, but it is one that is possible. Could you ask your DD outright what the problem is?

ask if she can come to yours for 3 hours one morning or afternoon, to perhaps bake some bread or to make some cakes. Just a small activity in your own home. You will need to be patient and to take those small steps during the day. Its quite a big thing for a parent to leave a young girl alone with a grandad overnight, so small steps for now

My widowed brother looks after each of his 3 grandchildren but he is 60, I know he does activities like baking bread or fishing

If you do woodwork, then make something with her, show her how to carve wood safely, use a drill, use a screwdriver

You sound like a lovely grandad StanDad and it's obvious that you care very deeply for your grandaughter and she for you. But sleepovers, days away and holidays alone with her can only ever be conducted with full agreement from her mum and dad. It sounds as though you spend a lot of time with her already, a lot more than many grandparents get; perhaps just enjoy and value what you already are lucky enough to have, without seeking more. It would be a shame to spoil the relationship with her parents by demanding more than they're comfortable with.

I don't understand why you would think you are toxic?

I wouldn't worry about alone time with your granddaughter though, just enjoy spending time with the family.

I think you are lucky to have such a good relationship with your family and gc.

There is a mismatch of expectations, which is very common.

It is also not odd that your daughter and her partner have not had a night off since your gc was born, many parents do not want to do that and prefer staying home with the kids

I hope Imogen is not her real name - privacy in the internet is very important