Son in law

Amandajs66 my concern would be that you appear to have suggested this arrangement for him to move in and you say you’re not sure if your daughter is aware. Hopefully you are correct in thinking your Sil is a wonderful husband and father. Many people thought the same about my ex husband 40 years ago before we separated and it couldn’t have been further from the truth. You may not yet truly know what’s led to their break up and you could be at risk of causing a lot of upset by taking your Sil into your home without discussing the plan with your daughter.

Would it be better for your DD and DGC to move in with you and leave SIL in the family home till finances are sorted?
Friend of ours said with their divorce everything was split down the middle, including family and friends. So your DD may see you as taking your SIL side, leading to estrangement. Your SIL is young and will move on. No doubt he will have to pay maintenance for the children as it is inevitable your DD will get custody so every chance of resentment forming. Very kind of you but keep out of it!

It seems you’ve already made up your mind. Very interesting to me though, as exactly the same thing is happening in our family, except in reverse.

Our son left his wife two years ago. He stayed with us for a bit, and a friend for a bit. He’s now in a rented house, but still supporting his wife and children in the family home.

We love our ex DIL very much, and did think about supporting her in our house. Of course, being the mum, the children are always with her, with our son having them some weekends etc.

We decided it wasn’t a good idea. Firstly...as much as we love our grandchildren, we didn’t want them here more or less full time. We also felt it would make it awkward when our other children visited with our other grandchildren.

Our DIL also said she wouldn’t want to live with us. Too many memories and bad association.

I do hope it works out for you. It may be less emotional dealing with a ‘ left ‘ husband, than ‘ left ‘ wife....I don’t know. It sounds a great thing to do, but wasn’t for us.

Difficult question but I for one think it’s a nice thing you are doing. Just maybe talk over with dd and son in law.

Yes, I would.

Depends entirely on relationships between the three people involved and the finances. If it is an amicable separation all three of you together should be able to reach a decision that you can all live with. It would be selfish of your daughter to veto your proposed arrangement. She would be keeping the house and depriving sil of somewhere good to live and also souring relations generally. Assuming you would charge a low rent, money saved would go towards the children etc. As others have said, it is difficult to advise you when we are not fully aware of circumstances.

My son and his partner moved in with me when DH died. They have an 8 year old son. Their relationship had begun to break down and she moved into a flat on her own. GS spent half the week with us and the other half with her. Now she has been evicted because the flat has been sold and she is staying with us. I've told the Council she can stay for a month but now they have said if she's living with us they don't need to house her. She's got no family in this country, affordable private rentals round here are like hens teeth and, while this situation isn't ideal for any of us, I don't want the mother of my grandson sofa surfing with random acquaintances As I say it isn't ideal for any of us but it's the best we can do at the moment.

Yes I definitely would, he’s the father of your grandchildren, I doubt he’ll stay forever xx

My Daughter has split up with her Wife and they have been together 10 years..(mo children)..luckily I have a flat that has enabled my Daughter to live in until they sell their marital home and each buy another property...Would I have My Dil stay if the situation was similar to Yours?no I wouldn't dispite caring for her ...I dont feel that I'd get involved and My loyalties are to My Daughter.

angle!!!??? - angel.

Pinnywinch

Is would be very, very careful. I assumed my son in law was fine - until he and my daughter separated.
It was only then that my daughter let me know what had been going on in their marriage. She hadn't told me as she knew what I would have said. She made the decision without pressure from me, and got 100% support from me, before I knew anything.
Everyone needs friends and not to have any other than my husband would have driven me insane - but maybe that's just me!

I think this is what I am trying to say. As long as this arrangement can be achieved with no anguish on either side, that is fine. However I think the assumption that your SIL is the angle you think he is is slightly risky - so much goes on behind closed doors in marriages that seem lovely on the surface.

It makes no sense at all that she is separating because he does not like her getting out and about more - someone who reacts like that to his wife going out and having a life is not necessarily the wonderful husband that you feel he is. Most husbands would be supportive over that. This is what makes me think that there is more to it behind the scenes.

She may be agreeing to him staying with you so as to get him out from in her hair for whatever reason, and this is an easy solution for her.

Sorry to sound so cynical, but I have seen so many situations where a failed marriage reveals much that was going on unbeknownst to others looking in from the outside.

Definitely not. Your doing them both a disservice as neither will be able to move on with their own lives.what if she or he gets another partner or wants to date?
Everyone will be in a terrible position.
They are grown ups, let them sort it and be as supportive as you can. Don’t risk alienating your own daughter by seeming to be taking his side or you may regret it forever.

I would welcome mine to visit and include him in plans with the granchildren provided there were no issues but I wouldn't open my home to him long term. He would need to make his own future and would need his own space.
Yes your Sil may go to a dark place and if you feel you must support him short term its up to you. Interesting that the question is asked at all though if you are completly comfortable with it. Of course you can still support him and maintain a relationship. Sadly if they have decided to move on then so must you. Its not easy and I feel for you..

I'd do nothing without a very long chat with my daughter.

And even then, he'd not be moving in. He needs to get a bed sit for when he's ready to move on - but at the same time he can be made welcome at your house. Lovely for him to see the children at yours because they'll be on familiar ground so it's one fewer new thing to cope with. Do his washing, make him some meals, BUT keep the long view in mind too. He's got to think of his future and, as you obviously think dearly of him, you need to facilitate that.

This is complicated. I would not get in the middle of it in the way you suggest. By all means see him and help him in other ways but always with your daughters knowledge and approval.
You say that he does not have any family or friends. Maybe he needs to cope by himself with where he will live and bravely step into a new life. Let them both solve this on their own.

My daughter and her husband separated two years ago….luckily they had two houses ( one a renter) so now she’s living in the smaller house he has the ‘family home’ this was her choice. Both have been mortgages and seems to be working well. Children spend one week with dad and one with mum…they live within 1 mile of each other…. but this can be flexible ….so far so good. I openly have my son in law in my house … alone or with kids…. he helps me out with so
much DIY stuff as my son and husband don’t!
I love him…. I consider him my third child. His parents are dead , his sister lives 300 miles away. He comes for Xmas lunch ( indeed he cooks half of it) he comes for Easter lunch…. and he comes for a cuppa when he feels like it. He is the best son in law ( but not obviously the best husband) that I could’ve wished for. He is a brilliant dad. Hd teaches emotionally disturbed children who have been permanently excluded from mainstream school. His patience is phenomenal with children.
He never says a bad word against my daughter and wouldn’t listen if you did. No more than she would about him. BUT it just did not work for them! I would never have him to live as he’s quite bohemian and that would drive me mad. But I love him dearly.

Amandajs60. I think you are doing the right thing by taking in your son-in-law. Its very generous and good of you. My ex-husband moved back in with his mother when we split up but moved out after 6 months when he found new partner.

Any chance he could have a bedsit near by but work from your home a few days a week to give him a change of scenery. He could also have the children in your home when you’re away.
Having his own bedsit will allow him the chance to make new friends and eventually a new girlfriend which would be awkward under your roof.
Almost always best to maintain good relationships with the parents of your grandchildren.

Is would be very, very careful. I assumed my son in law was fine - until he and my daughter separated.
It was only then that my daughter let me know what had been going on in their marriage. She hadn't told me as she knew what I would have said. She made the decision without pressure from me, and got 100% support from me, before I knew anything.
Everyone needs friends and not to have any other than my husband would have driven me insane - but maybe that's just me!

I understand that you want to support your SIL and you can do that in other ways rather than having him live with you. I would suggest that you are totally open and honest with your DD too. The breakdown in their relationship should not mean that you have to turn your back on him.
Help him research for a suitable place of his own in a location where you feel he will be safe and comfortable and it will be equally so for your GC.
Could you consider, perhaps batch cooking occasionally, help with grocery shopping etc.? If he has no family to turn to then there'll be no one to offer this kind of support will there? I also agree with MerylStreep, perhaps a little distance might bring them back together.

I would only do so at this juncture, if your daughter knows what you have offered and is able to accept it.

Frankly, I think you would be well advised to reconsider and offer financial help instead.

Letting your ex SIL live somewhere else and come to yours for dinner once a week, bringing his washing with him, if he has no washing-machine where he lives, might well be a better idea, than letting him move in.

I would tend to doubt that the break-up has been caused purely because of what you have mentioned here. Surely, even in this day and age, no-one divorces solely because his wife has started going out more? Or divorces because her husband won't do so?

The important thing here, as there are children involved, is to establish as amicable a relationship between the divorcing spouses as possible, and between each of them to the other members of the family.

This can usually be done if there is no violence or abuse involved as reasons for the divorce. Doing so, however, demands tact and an open discussion between you and your daughter regarding your wish to still be able to see your ex SIL. Such a discussion is probably more likely to succeed if he is not actually living in your house.

If he does move in, where is he supposed to go if your daughter drops in for a chat with you, or their children come visiting?

I welcomed a soon to be ex of one of my children for a family event - but would not have the ex to live with me. I wanted to avoid rejecting the parent of some of my grandchildren. They need to see we are not hostile to one of their parents. But it would be far too emotionally complicated for me to have the ex living in my house.

Going against the majority here, but yes I most certainly would make the same decision. It’s temporary, has your daughter’s blessing - and, very importantly, maintains some continuity for the children.

I have no idea where you live, but I do know that relationship breakups are a major cause of homelessness and that suitable and affordable housing is as rare as hen’s teeth across most of the country. A period of grace to come to terms with his new circumstances and assistance and support through this difficult time will, hopefully, benefit not only him, but also your daughter and grandchildren.

You may not know all the circumstances, he may have done things that have upset your daughter which she isn’t telling you. If I was your DD, I’d see it very much as you siding with my ex. I think you need to back off and let them work things out. It’s not up to you to try and make up any hurt your daughter has caused him.

Also, once he’s there he may be difficult to get rid of if, like your DD, you end up finding him difficult to live with.

It isn't healthy for a couple to have no friends outside their immediate family. Thank goodness your daughter has got herself a slice of real life out there. I'd let the SIL find his own way from now on, otherwise you're just mummying him, which presumably he'd find very comfortable but it wouldn't encourage him to get a much-needed life of his own going. Maybe after a while apart and a bit more of a mature look at how there is life outside a coupledom, they might even get back together.