Son in law

My son and his partner moved in with me when DH died. They have an 8 year old son. Their relationship had begun to break down and she moved into a flat on her own. GS spent half the week with us and the other half with her. Now she has been evicted because the flat has been sold and she is staying with us. I've told the Council she can stay for a month but now they have said if she's living with us they don't need to house her. She's got no family in this country, affordable private rentals round here are like hens teeth and, while this situation isn't ideal for any of us, I don't want the mother of my grandson sofa surfing with random acquaintances As I say it isn't ideal for any of us but it's the best we can do at the moment.

Depends entirely on relationships between the three people involved and the finances. If it is an amicable separation all three of you together should be able to reach a decision that you can all live with. It would be selfish of your daughter to veto your proposed arrangement. She would be keeping the house and depriving sil of somewhere good to live and also souring relations generally. Assuming you would charge a low rent, money saved would go towards the children etc. As others have said, it is difficult to advise you when we are not fully aware of circumstances.

Yes, I would.

Difficult question but I for one think it’s a nice thing you are doing. Just maybe talk over with dd and son in law.

It seems you’ve already made up your mind. Very interesting to me though, as exactly the same thing is happening in our family, except in reverse.

Our son left his wife two years ago. He stayed with us for a bit, and a friend for a bit. He’s now in a rented house, but still supporting his wife and children in the family home.

We love our ex DIL very much, and did think about supporting her in our house. Of course, being the mum, the children are always with her, with our son having them some weekends etc.

We decided it wasn’t a good idea. Firstly...as much as we love our grandchildren, we didn’t want them here more or less full time. We also felt it would make it awkward when our other children visited with our other grandchildren.

Our DIL also said she wouldn’t want to live with us. Too many memories and bad association.

I do hope it works out for you. It may be less emotional dealing with a ‘ left ‘ husband, than ‘ left ‘ wife....I don’t know. It sounds a great thing to do, but wasn’t for us.

Would it be better for your DD and DGC to move in with you and leave SIL in the family home till finances are sorted?
Friend of ours said with their divorce everything was split down the middle, including family and friends. So your DD may see you as taking your SIL side, leading to estrangement. Your SIL is young and will move on. No doubt he will have to pay maintenance for the children as it is inevitable your DD will get custody so every chance of resentment forming. Very kind of you but keep out of it!

Amandajs66 my concern would be that you appear to have suggested this arrangement for him to move in and you say you’re not sure if your daughter is aware. Hopefully you are correct in thinking your Sil is a wonderful husband and father. Many people thought the same about my ex husband 40 years ago before we separated and it couldn’t have been further from the truth. You may not yet truly know what’s led to their break up and you could be at risk of causing a lot of upset by taking your Sil into your home without discussing the plan with your daughter.

I totally agree with colds posts

HolySox

Would it be better for your DD and DGC to move in with you and leave SIL in the family home till finances are sorted?
Friend of ours said with their divorce everything was split down the middle, including family and friends. So your DD may see you as taking your SIL side, leading to estrangement. Your SIL is young and will move on. No doubt he will have to pay maintenance for the children as it is inevitable your DD will get custody so every chance of resentment forming. Very kind of you but keep out of it!

Yes...this is what we’re finding. Our son has very little if no rights at all where the children are concerned.

If it was one of our daughters, we’d definitely have offered for them to live with us, and our son in laws stay in the marital home until it was sold.

We were extremely fond of our SIL and were desperately upset when he and DD went their separate ways after 7 years of marriage. They had several unsuccessful rounds of IVF which was a huge strain on their relationship and then just grew apart. We remain fond of and in touch with our now ex SIL but certainly would've felt uncomfortable offering him a room in our home.

Sawsage2

Amandajs60. I think you are doing the right thing by taking in your son-in-law. Its very generous and good of you. My ex-husband moved back in with his mother when we split up but moved out after 6 months when he found new partner.

That was his own mother....totally different.

Unfortunately, I found myself in exactly the same position as the OP, and like her, thought it most unfair that my SIL had to move out of the home that he'd paid for, when it was my DD who had found someone else. I made various offers to him, including our spare room, which thankfully as it turned out he turned down, but my DD has never forgiven me, and that was 6 years ago! So, while I totally understand your sentiment OP, I really wouldn't, unless your DD is in agreement, as you could cause yourself no end of heartache by trying to be kind.

We did but we asked our son first because we didn't want any tensions .
He was happy for her to stay with us until things got sorted out .

Oldhag,

I am afraid you got on your sil's side and paid the price.

It is not up to you to determine who is more guilty about the break

Deedaa, what a pity your ex DIL didn't take advice before leaving the rented flat.
she should have stayed put, until there was a court order and bailiffs came to physically evict her .
that would have given her priority for council housing as she would then, but only then, have been deemed homeless.
can you evict her; does she pay rent. give her notice to quit, so she has something to plead to the council .
she needs housing advice. are there any advice centres nearby.

Hithere

Oldhag,

I am afraid you got on your sil's side and paid the price.

It is not up to you to determine who is more guilty about the break

As OldHag has wisely advised the OP to avoid doing this and has expressed the heartache the she suffered through her actions, then I really can't see that she needed that pointed out to her!

OldHag We all live and learn from our mistakes

GrammaH .I fear that we may soon be in the same position as you for exactly the same reasons. Heartbreaking , isn't it!

As regards to the OP, it does rather sound that you have made this offer with no prior thought or consultation with your DD. Which seems a rather risky decision to have made. As others have said, you don't really know what has gone on behind closed doors. But perhaps you could still help and support him in other ways. He is still young enough to start a new life, but needs to make friends and a social circle. Difficult in this era of WFH. If he can't afford a flat of his own, which could be very isolating anyway, why not encourage him to find a house share with young, like minded, professional men.

well there are some interesting ideas on all sides. for what its worth I would suggest these possiblities
1. offer to have him for a very specific and stated time set up before he actually does come to stay, so there is a clear date that you are all working towards. This means that if he is annoying or irritating you can manage as you have a set date to work towards. It may also show you a reason why they have split up
2. deliberately make a set plan for that date so you might plan for an elderly relative or friend to visit you and buy some wallpaper and paint or book a decorator to redo the bedroom for great aunts visit etc. alternatively when you have chosen what course you might be very interested in for september you may need this room to practise whatever, turn it into a studio or perhaps start a small choir or book reading group that must meet on the one night he particularly likes a serial or sport on the tv. This sounds a bit mean but all I am really doing is to point out that it is actually easier to know where you stand, for him as well as you, that the known date does not have to be mentioned every day but it is accepted that the day will come. So he does have a little pressure to make an effort to find what he wants to do while still being cared about at this time. You show him that he is still going to be part of your lives but in a different way.
3. That you and your husband have a talk together and decide how you things to be when your grandchildren are visiting their father. Will you find it better to have some rules or practises organised, or you may find yourselves doing all the donkey work and losing YOUR time with them. Do you and he agree about the behaviour you expect from the children? It is your house and when he has left you will still have the children coming and if he sets up some pattern that you disapprove of or dont like it again is a boiling pont for trouble and children are all very good at playing one off against the other I find. So if they were coming after school and staying until bedtime if they were local, you might choose to make a casserole and jacket potatoes that can be available at any time that suits and wont spoil, but if you have done the cooking you can expect him to take the children back and do the washing up and putting stuff away as his share of the evening. Another time you could have a couple of take away menus from chinese or indian or whatever or perhaps you have a good fish and chip shop. So if he doesnt want to or is not good at cooking he can provide you with a night off and be responsible for dealing with it so you get a night off too. You may say you go out every other saturday and so he gets a total day with the children on his own, but it is on your say so. Do not think you should have to go out on a miserable day just to suit him, it is your home and not his. Many of my friends and I myself have had grown up sons and daughters had to come and live at home for some time due to change of jobs the covid situation and other things. It is actually quite difficult to now live as 2 or 4 adults in a house instead of 2 parents and 2 children. It is so easy for them to slip into the way they were as children and gradually you find that you are doing their washing etc etc That way lies resentment and stress. i do hope that you accept these ideas as just suggestions for things you might find worth considering. It doesnt matter if you do none of these things, it is the fact that it makes you consider what might occur and are ready to deal with it and have plans behind you if it gets difficult. I probably overthink far too many things but I do find it means that I have worked out my response to various possibilities. That your daughter will see that you are being kind and helpful to her ex which she seems happy with but you will not let it go on ad infintum and suddenly find he has stayed with you for twice the amount of time that you expected. Also it could be a good time for you two to look forward and think whether you would like to move or change things in the house , and you may be surprised. I knew a couple who were very happy together and enjoyed their life until the husband was approaching retirement. He started talking of getting an allotment and staying home more and his wife looked horrified as she said she had put up with minimal holidays abroad but had always assumed that they would travel abroad on a gap year style . They did sort it out but I think they both got a shock and had made assumptions about how life would change. Do hope something of this is helpful and wish you good luck in whatever you decide to do

It would depend on the circumstances. For example - If we had previously got on well and the split was amicable and wanted by both parties then yes I would. If there had been violence or we hadn’t previously ‘got on’ then no. Circumstances alter cases.

Amandajs66, I'd do the same as you. It's so unfair that a person loses their home - due to the decision of another. I'd expect them both to be mature and civil about the separation, though, and focussed on the wellbeing of the children.

I've seen comments suggesting that SiL stays in the family home and daughter moves out.
In the experience of several friends of mine, a judge in a divorce case will allow mother to stay in the family home until the youngest child is 18.

Any lawyer would tell a husband that the worse thing he can do is move out of the marital home if he is not the one wishing to end the marriage.

Not a good idea. Your daughter must come first.whatever the reason for the separation.
If, however, so concerned for sil then why not discuss this with D.It has to be her decision not yours.

No. You may not know the full story. They might be protecting your feelings. Support your daughter, whilst of course being courteous to your SIL.

I'd stay out of it, it's between the two of them.