Fed up with daughter

This is difficult

Does your dd realize she picks the wrong partners with similar traits?

www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu/a1305078-Moved-over-100-miles-AIBU

This is much more complex than the post here

So you moved to be closed to her and now she wants to move to be with her boyfriend
Do you resent her because now you are in a location you do not want to be because she is moving?

In the other thread, you say he is a good man.

The father of the kids, your ex sil, has been abusing your dd.

Given this new info, back off.
If it's a rebound relationship, so it be.

I wouldn't back off at all where my grandchildren were being included in all this.
They have no choice in the situation, and I would be on guard.

I remembered the previous thread too Hithere

Well remembered HiThere.
Obviously this relationship has been going on for some months, since at least last summer, and OP said he was ‘a nice man’ and the family had known him since childhood. Suddenly he’s as bad as the abusive ex.
Difficult to know what to believe.

The definition of a rebound relationship doesn't match what your dd and her bf have.

They usually last a short period of time and there is no commitment, much less live together

This thread also contradicts the older one when you say you have not voiced your dissatisfaction about moving.

You have done that, very much so.
You have told her that there are many other options apart from living with him.

It is only 60 miles! Many people do have that distance for daily commute

They sure do. I did.

This is such a difficult situation for you to find yourself in. If you speak out you may alienate your daughter. If you don’t express your opinion you may feel you are not protecting your vulnerable grandchildren who are about to face a huge upheaval in their young lives when they have already experienced the break up of the their parents.
Why not arrange to take your daughter out for afternoon tea while the children are out with their Dad for example. While you are both in a relaxed situation, you could tell your daughter how much you love her and want her to be happy. However you do have concerns about another big change in your grandchildren’s lives and them and her being further way if your support was needed for any reason. Also be honest that you and Grandad will miss them and your daughter.
Good luck. I understand your worry.

Whatever you say she probably won’t listen as she’s probably besotted with the new bloke. It will wear off in time most likely so in the meantime just do everything you can for all of them. Whatever you do, don’t alienate them. Is there any chance the children could live with you and go to the same school? Then, if the new relationship did work out, maybe at an appropriate time in their education they could go back to their Mum?

Since the “new bloke” is a childhood friend it’s not exactly the rebound situation daftbag is implying. The daughter and boyfriend are not strangers to one another.

When there are children involved, it's wise to be very, very cautious before moving someone into their lives, no matter how long you've known someone.
Knowing a person from childhood doesnt mean you'll know what they'll be like around your children, and if you've moved in with someone it's hard to be objective and analytical about them.

That true. But people have to make their own mistakes.

I think people are free to make whatever mistakes they want to.
Children, unfortunately, don't get given a choice..
Not to put to fine a point on it, there have been some appalling cases of partners abusing peoples children recently.
Of course, that is absolutely the very worst case scenario, but there is no reason to jump straight into living with someone, and I would be very concerned if it were my grandchildren.

So would I MissAdventure

The link to your previous post does put a different slant on this one. You’d be well ad used to arrange to sit down and talk things through with tour daughter. If this relationship has maintained for a year or so, it may well continue. You daughter clearly believes it will.
Grandparents are especially important when parents separate, more so if a significant move of school snd home follows
Hopefully you can continue to support the children and maintain loving relationship despite feeling fed up with your daughter

VioletSky

I think the best thing you can do is empower your daughter by allowing her to make her own decisions in life and being happy for her when she is happy.

Otherwise you risk being controlling yourself by actively disapproving of her life choices... Which will leave her destabilised with no where to turn for support when she needs it

Very poor advice when children are involved .....an adult has the right to make poor choices....they do not have a right to make those choices for their children to witness

I agree LOUISA1523. It isn’t necessarily controlling to want to build honest, loving and supportive relationships. It’s possible to discuss difficult issues without agreeing with something when you don’t.

Thank you for your feedback LOUISA1523

I agree with you completely LOUISA1523 and think that MissAdventure offered the best and most sensible advice.

Hi,
I’m a granny to two great wee girls age 5 and 3. But I’m worried about my daughters parenting and would appreciate any advice.
It all just seems very chaotic eg
Lack of consistency
Poor boundaries
Shouting at them when not doing what they’re told
Bargaining eg you can’t get/do this till you do that.
Too many sweeties/treats.
Sweets before dinner, so little eaten.
Pizzas and other processed food with little nutritional value.
My daughter is a stay at home mum during the week and works in a retail job at weekends when dad looks after the girls.
Me and my husband help out a fair bit and see them regularly.
My daughter loves her kids to bits, absolutely no doubt about that and her and her husband (who works long hours) have a good relationship.
But I just feel the kids deserve better. And I’m not sure what (if anything) I can do to help the situation.
I’ve tried to offer guidance or suggestions but have been very quickly and severely put in my place, so I’m afraid of saying anything now in case my daughter withdraws from me.
She is extremely prickly of anyone saying anything to her, not just about the kids but just anything at all as I think she just sees it all as criticism and judgement.
Our relationship is good despite this but it’s Crystal clear that there has to be no suggestion of any kind or else!
I genuinely feel really bad writing this but I’m also just sad and worried.
Should I just accept and say nothing as my daughter is totally closed to any advice or suggestions anyway. And because of this I don’t know how else I can help. I know it’s not my place to tell my daughter how to parent but it’s hard to watch and just stand by. Maybe I should just enjoy my grandkids when they’re with us.
Thanks,
Sad and worried!

I don't understand the disbelief that the 'nice man' may now be abusive. Abusers are nice on the surface, it is part of how it works.

I would encourage her to do the freedom program if she was more daughter, under the guise it is to help with her putting to bed her old relationship.

my daughter not more daughter

CathyG

You may want to start your own thread.

Your dd and husband do not parents in a way you approve

Could it be better? Yes, I am afraid there is nothing you can do about it

You already know she doesnt like your feedback (she may see it as unsolicited advice?) - do not have the same mistake again

Bite your tongue and go for stitches if needed.

Help them as nd how they request help - nothing more nothing less.