Adult Daughter Ignored Mother's Day

Esmay, do you live with your Father? If so, can you move away? Even if he's old and sick and has problems with XYZ... because your life is on hold and you're not really living it how you want because of his cruelty , judgemental and critical ways.

If you can find a way to ignore him and do what you want I think you'll be happier- stop caring what he thinks. Perhaps he can go in a home? Talk honestly to Social Services. It sounds like this man has overshadowed your life. You say he loves you, but love accepts people as they are and doesn't wish they were someone they are not.

Many people with Bohemian relatives are ashamed of them, my Mother was telling me about her friend whose son is an artist and she's embarassed of him. It's really sad because that's who he IS. I actually felt sorry for him and I don't even know him.

There's nothing wrong with being arty and creative. There's something wrong with people who don't let other people BE. Theres something wrong with people who pick at others because they don't like what they are. Do yourself a favour and get some distance from him.

Esmay

Why don't you open your own thread?

Honestly, I can see why your daughter has an issue with this situation.

You are also unhappy, why not make changes on your end?

It's not her father it's her grandfather .
He's really elderly and sick.
He has these extraordinary inflexible ideas about people and things.
I never really know if I'm coming nor going with him .
Initially people think that he's wonderful and then ,he really infuriates them .
He's had huge rows with old friends with whom he's gone on holiday.

He's actually quite anti social and finds it hard to socialise and make friends.
He was lonely and friendless at school .
He was a stunning looking man and very athletic-that attracted both sexes .
Now he's become depressive and very demanding .

One of my friends has about 30 years of experience with paranoid schizophrenics and he thinks that my father shows signs of this terrible illness.

He hasn't been cruel to my daughter, but shows his disapproval of her lifestyle.
She's arty and creative like me .
He calls us Bohemian
We both get heavy criticism from him .
He certainly doesn't approve of me either !

Her sister is extremely conventional even old fashioned - she gets the stamp of approval .

He loves my arty daughter ,but is poor at showing it.
He loves me as well ,but doesn't demonstrate it .
Never has .

Today his bad behaviour has made me exasperated to the point of tears .
He was actually complaining about the lack of a wet room -something that's been a real bone of contention .

We all make mistakes. I feel really upset that I made a huge one in not putting my foot down and moving to be near my daughter.

We could have had a more suitable house in a lovely rural area.
I would have loved my daughter's company.

Social services are coming next week . At the moment we are trying to get him more mobile and to access him if only to improve the quality if his life - and mine !

Thank you for your kind comments .

Esmay, you don't have to reply or say anything you're not comfortable with and don't feel bad because you did what felt right at the time. Looking back many of us have done so and wish we could go back and do things differently, but we can't.

Just to clarify, do you mean your daughter's father has been cruel and critical of her- or your Father- or both? Either way, whoever it is sounds like a nasty man. If you want to split up with him, it's not too late. You could get social services involved if he's impossible to live with? I'm so sorry, you deserve better and to have a peaceful home to enjoy your life.

Change is difficult...but it sounds like you don't want things to stay the same.

This was originally Linfreed's post and it's been hijacked !

I don't really know if my father is the cause of the ghosting .

Now he's upset that she doesn't contact us .Deep down ,he does love her and isn't as devoted to her siblings as he once was .

I have told him why it might have happened .
He doesn't remember being nasty -just as he doesn't remember being nasty to me .

He was totally vile this morning .
I was in tears .

I think that he's mentally ill and has been ever since I can remember .

No mother wants to be described as failing to protect her daughter .

But -
I regret answering this thread .

Essay you expressed bewilderment as to the cause of your daughter’s ghosting you. Online, as in the real world, that is generally interpreted as a request for help understanding the situation. I think the responses you reject were quite polite and to the point. Just because you did not intend to let your daughter (and granddaughter) be hurt by your father’s cruelty, just because you only intended to do the right thing in caring for your father etc… doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for those choices. It’s good you keep the faith and keep trying to reach out. I hope someday she responds and you are able to mend fences. But it will help if you are able, if and when she does reach out, to realize that she had her reasons for giving up on the relationship and those reasons, even if they make you feel sad and angry, are valid. Her experience of your father’s criticism and your “defense” of her will have been very different from yours because she is a different person. Perhaps she looked at how cruel and demanding her grandfather was and decided that she would never accept that treatment from anyone, and certainly would not put her daughter in the position to be “defended” verbally from these attacks, even if those criticism and attacks came from you or her siblings. Once she would have loved for you to move closer to her, then she changed her mind? Perhaps she saw the handwriting on the wall and realized that maintaining contact with you would always be an Avenue for her grandfather to abuse her.

Oops -sympathising !
Remember the days when you had to write out spelling corrections over and over again ?!

Any profuse apologies to Linfreed -in sympathesising with her - I didn't expect this .

I was surmising as to the reason why my daughter is ghosting us .

I'm not sure .

I think that she just doesn't enjoy visiting my father .
Her siblings don't either .

He is difficult and it's sad to see someone who was so physically fit be so infirm .

I'm entitled to my opinion - just as you are to your's .
I seem to recall an abrasive message from you before .
No mother wants to be described as a failure ,who has not protected her daughter .

I've done a great deal for her .And my parcels of essential things haven't stopped .

Poor Linfreed isn’t this her thread?

Esmay

You may not like what you read.

Calling it nasty is not correct.
Posts have been polite

I regret adding to this thread .
I didn't expect nasty criticism like this .

Defending her is not protecting her - huge difference

Thank you very much smoothie for writing that I've failed to protect my daughter from his intense criticism .

I have supported and defended her again and again from his nastiness and prejudice even it's caused massive rows between my father and myself .

I did not choose my father over her .

I find your comments thoroughly insulting.

Esmey I noticed that you said you have no clue as to what you have done to your daughter to cause this, but in what you have written…it’s not hard to see a major reason why your daughter could be hurt. It sounds as if you failed to protect your daughter from the intense criticism directed her way by your own father, her grandfather. She likely sees your continued caring for him as condoning the awful things he has said and done to her, that you had made the choice between your father and her, your daughter, and you chose your father. The fact that her siblings also are perfect in the grandfathers eyes placed another layer of the, I suppose, “othering”, she has experienced….I feel really bad for her, that kind of dynamic in a family, where one person is singled out and then it’s allowed to go on for years on end…….that kind of thing causes life-long trauma, self-hate, depression, and whatnot. It’s a very unfortunate situation

My parents always made it clear that they preferred my sister. As soon as I left the parental home at 22 I began to "do distance". Not exactly a falling out, more a form of getting on with my own life. My parents were not on the phone (1960s) so keeping boundaries was far easier then. I probably saw them about once a month although they lived ten minutes bus ride away.

Ive always had a dislike of these commercialised social construct days like mothers and fathers day and found ways to duck out of them. Usually by being away working (regardless of whether I was away or not).

Just a thought, I wouldn't write a letter on paper because there are so many ways that a letter can be taken. With some people, if it can be taken the wrong way, it will be.

Many times I've wanted to write a letter. I think it's a good thing to get things in perspective by writing it , but not send it. I would go there, face to face. She will either talk to you or not open the door. It would be more easy to understand and be understood, though- rather than have misunderstandings piled on top of what's already going on.

So sorry about your friend Esmay I know it's painful when friends do that. Like your daughter, my son had no way of backing down, that's why we just turned up on the doorstep. It was successful. But we have hardly seen them since.

Don't give up hope, things can change especially when people get older.

Thanks Maudie - but I've tried everything .

I think that it began as posturing in front of her siblings -but she never intended it to go so far and is finding it hard to back down without losing face .

10:37Esmay

Why don't you write her a letter on paper and send it to her. Apologise for everything and agree with her about your father not being fair to her (even though you haven't in your eyes done anything wrong) and tell her how much you love her and your gd and how upset you are and that you miss them etc a real letter from the heart. Life is too short, I'm sure it anything happens to you she will regret not keeping in tough. Hope things improve for you in the future, take care

Sorry...I just don’t get this obsession with ‘ special’ days. Having said that, it seems there’s two things going on here.
1. The lack of acknowledgment of Mother’s Day, which doesn’t make sense, because your daughter organised this meal, but you didn’t get a card!!
2. Your daughter is generally a problem according to her husband.
I think you really need to stay well back, and accept graciously whatever you receive from your adult children.

It is incredibly sad .
I feel for you.

My daughter hasn't moved .She owns and likes her house and it's convenient for her work and projects .

I think that part of the ghosting is due to my father.
I'm not passing the buck .
But I think that it's a long term problem .

In the past-he's made it very obvious that he far prefers her sister and her brother.

When he became a widower my daughter went out of her way to help him and take him out and he behaved very badly as he does with me .
Her sister can do no wrong and she can't do anything right .

When she had my granddaughter and she reached the terrible twos he was far too critical of her.

I found out that she was visiting an old friend nearby and by passing us .

I'm sure that I've done something wrong, but I don't know what it is .

Meanwhile I send Easter ,Birthday and Christmas gifts .
That is what is advised on the "ghosting "sites !

I have a huge parcel of nice things ready to post to her.

Every day when I pray - I pray that she's okay -well and happy and that one day I'll be able to see her again .

But I've not seen her nor heard from her for three and a quarter years and my pain is increasing .

Ghosting is an epidemic .

Sometimes some of my friends are so inappropriate :

One of them interrogated me about it on Mother's Day and then went into incredible detail about the gifts that her daughters had bought for her .

Frankly, the behaviour of her daughters leaves much to be desired .
They have the most appalling manners and are foul mouthed .
When she left I cried and cried over it .
I had managed to push it to the back of my mind .

I actually have avoided another friend ,who always asks me at least three times each time I see her - why ?!

Again - one of her daughters only contacts her when she wants expensive things and the other has left home and isn't really in contact .

When my children lived with me -we were very much a happy balanced family .

It's such a shock .

So sorry Esmay, thats really sad. Are you 100% sure that she still has the same address?
My elder son didnt speak to me for six months last year. We turned up on Christmas Eve and they invited us in. We thought we had managed to build bridges over the festive period, but now I get the odd text from my son, nothing from DiL and they wont make plans to meet up. I have no idea why. Its sad, isnt it.

I've always been close to my elder daughter :

We shared the same interests and enjoyed doing them together
:
When my granddaughter was born she begged me to move to her area .
I really wanted to .
But my father had already become demanding and absolutely refused to move .
He was already reliant on me .

I deeply regret not standing my ground .

Now it's too difficult to sell his house (he's an invalid in a hospital bed in the old dining room ) and he's too sick to move .

The house is completely unsuitable for him and awkward for me .

Things have gone wrong for my daughter ..she's finally spilt up with her partner and he's been very nasty towards her .
Their daughter is a difficult girl .
And finances have been strained .

Sadly, my daughter is ghosting me and has done for three years .

I've phoned and texted .
Now I send cards and gifts trying to imagine things that would be useful to her .

I looked forward to being with her and sharing all the things that gave us such joy .

Now I don't know if she's ever going to communicate with me again .

It breaks my heart .

Perhaps, ( just a little perhaps ?) if people didn’t put sooooo much importance on one day we wouldn’t have all these upsets