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Adult Daughter Ignored Mother's Day

(81 Posts)
LinFreed Mon 28-Mar-22 14:09:58

At the instigation of my son- her brother- my married daughter had arranged for the whole family to go out for lunch on Mother's Day yesterday.

Unfortunately, she was recovering from a virus and thought she shouldn't come as she was still coughing.

So, my son, SiL and two young GC had a lovely lunch together. My son gave me a loving card and paid for half the meal..

However, I never received a card or greeting from my daughter. This is the first year ever she has not acknowledged the day.

My SiL says he's having a difficult time with her and appeals to me to talk to her, which I have a few times neutrally. She's got everything she wants materially. SiL gives in to her for a quiet life and I'm generally always on call to babysit or help out, even though I have a full life. She doesn't work and has a part time housekeeper.

When I phoned her after the lunch, she sounded cold When I asked what her children had given her for Mother's Day, she reluctantly wished me a happy mother's day as an afterthought.

I didn't take it further, but I'm hurt. She is becoming very anxious; can no longer drive on motorways or go on the underground. She won't see a therapist because she says the last one intimated something about her FiL, which wasn't true.

Should I just leave her to it? Her husband keeps telling me how difficult she is, but I just say marriage is hard sometimes, to stay neutral. Even her MiL comments to me about her aloofness.

My DH passed away suddenly 5 years ago and she says she's still grieving.

Zoejory Mon 28-Mar-22 14:16:54

Yes, I'd not take it further. Maybe she's got something on her mind. We don't always know what's going on in people's lives.

crazyH Mon 28-Mar-22 14:21:22

My daughter has moods as well. I just leave her to get on with it till she comes round - first I put it down to PMT, now it’s probably early Menopause - can’t win 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hithere Mon 28-Mar-22 14:29:08

"At the instigation of my son- her brother- my married daughter had arranged for the whole family to go out for lunch on Mother's Day yesterday."

Looks like your daughter has a lot on her plate.

Why could your son arrange the lunch himself?

It was also her Mother's day - when did it become such an obligation?

Bibbity Mon 28-Mar-22 14:33:24

Sounds like she's being nagged from all angles.

And then this: "Unfortunately, she was recovering from a virus and thought she shouldn't come as she was still coughing" so she's ill, recovering, has some peace from the kids and is still being bitched about and nagged.

Hope she's feeling a lot better. And I hope she finds out how much of a snake her husband is.

LinFreed Mon 28-Mar-22 14:35:40

Why do you think her husband is a snake? He's a bit OCD, I admit, which her father wasn't....he was laid back.

Bibbity Mon 28-Mar-22 14:39:30

Her husband keeps telling me how difficult she is

My SiL says he's having a difficult time with her and appeals to me to talk to her

Really? Can't imagine why she isn't giddy with excitement about being in the presence of such a lovely bunch.

Mrsluckhurst Mon 28-Mar-22 14:40:48

I think Bibbity means he's a snake for talking about his wife to you, he should be loyal to her really even if he thinks she is wrong. Also if she is still feeling poorly she might just have not been thinking straight.

Hithere Mon 28-Mar-22 14:41:59

Exactly bibity

And I would say she ignore the mother's day you envisioned

Really, this is just the tip of the iceberg - having as many issues as she has in her daily life, all you worry about is her missing the lunch when she was sick?

Hithere Mon 28-Mar-22 14:42:32

Ignored

OnwardandUpward Mon 28-Mar-22 14:42:44

Everyone grieves differently, at different rates- and its not something you can just get over. Perhaps she needs professional help as she seems to not be coping and seems to be turning inwards.

It's a shame your daughter was ill and was not able to enjoy a family event with her family on Mother's Day. She does sound very preoccupied and thats not good for the kids. If the aloofness is since your DH died, then she needs help. Its obvious that since her MiL and her husband are commenting on it that it's a problem to them as well, which may make her feel even more like withdrawing from social occaisions.

Redhead56 Mon 28-Mar-22 14:43:17

Could she be down because she is having a difficult time with your sil? Maybe it's not easy for her to talk about.

OnwardandUpward Mon 28-Mar-22 14:45:14

A good point Redhead56. It's not uncommon for abusers to "blame the victim" and shouldn't be ruled out. He might be gaslighting her. It's not unheard of.

Honeysuckleberries Mon 28-Mar-22 14:46:05

What about her lovely Mother’s Day? It sounds to me that she was neglected in favour of you. As she has young children she should have been the focus of Mother’s Day not you. I have 3 dil’s and told my sons not to do anything for me but to concentrate on their wives. I’ve had my time being feted now it’s the next generation’s turn.

oodles Mon 28-Mar-22 14:52:52

abusers do blame the victim and try to get others on their side, to do their dirty work,flying monkeys they are called. Be careful what you say, it may be reported as even your mother thinks you are an unfriendly cow, they can so easily twist things. Best to say nothing to him. Not saying don't talk to her but don't do it as a response to what he has said and don't report back to him either.
Hope it isn't a difficult situation like that but always worth playing safe. Be on her side and assume the best of her

OnwardandUpward Mon 28-Mar-22 14:58:34

Yes Oodles I agree.

It would be good to go and sit and just listen to her. Perhaps ask her how things are with SiL? However "nice" he is to you, she is your child. In my experience of depression, when people turn inwards its either because they think no one will believe them or because they feel so bad about themselves and blame themselves... It could also be a more severe depression than anyone realises.

OnwardandUpward Mon 28-Mar-22 15:00:05

Also, just because " She's got everything she wants materially" it doesn't automatically equal happiness. We are emotional creatures, with emotional needs that material things cannot satisfy.

GrandmaSeaDragon Mon 28-Mar-22 15:06:57

If this was my daughter, although naturally I would be upset that she hadn’t initially mentioned Mothers Day, I would assume that she was still feeling under the weather and most probably upset that she was missing a family gathering, especially as she had arranged it all. From what you say, it sounds as if your DD is suffering from anxiety and depression which is worsening, and your SiL is at a loss to know how to deal with it (my DH has been the same in the past). Could you (or your SiL or son) encourage her to find a different therapist to talk to? Just keep being there to listen and talk when she needs it. Why not meet for an informal coffee as soon as she’s feeling better and wish each other a belated happy Mother’s Day.

Ilovecheese Mon 28-Mar-22 15:08:13

I have to agree with Honeysuckleberries really.
Mother's Day should have been focused on your daughter.
I saw my own daughters on the Saturday, so that they could have their day made special for them with their own children.
I would also be vary wary of your son in law.

PECS Mon 28-Mar-22 15:09:01

Lots going on here! Your DD may have depression , grieving or be in a swamp in her marriage or all sortsof other possibilities. Whatever it is as her mum you need to be neutral with SiL.., ' So sorry she is poorly still, can I do anything to help?" and drop her a message/ or call to check how she is & if you can help out in any way. Don't offer a 'solution' as you don't know what the problem is.

Coastpath Mon 28-Mar-22 17:09:20

It sounds as though your daughter is having a hard time. Could you possibly arrange some time together, just you and her? Perhaps have lunch or a day out where you can just be loving together and have a good chat. Then if she has any problems she can tell you quietly and you can help. Or if nothing is raised you can just remind her how loved she is.

I agree with the poster who have said be vary of family members who complain about others and who may have an agenda.

Luckygirl3 Mon 28-Mar-22 17:20:56

Oh gosh - just ignore it and don't be hurt. You do not want to create a situation where she has to send greetings for the purpose of appeasing you rather than for a good reason.

I had something from two of my DDs and not the other, who, like yours, is recovering from a virus.

My SiL says he's having a difficult time with her and appeals to me to talk to her. You should not be in a situation where your SIL is asking you to talk to his wife on his behalf.

It sounds as though your poor DD is having a difficult time at the moment and all you can do is to be there for her - but not as messenger from her OH. I would be more worried about her well-being than hurt at not getting a mother's day greeting.

Smileless2012 Mon 28-Mar-22 17:35:51

I don't think you should just 'leave her to it'. There's clearly something going on and you're seeing the symptoms of what ever it is, rather than the cause.

Suggest going out for lunch or a coffee. 'Phone for a chat and ask her how she is; let her know that you are there for her and hopefully she'll feel able to talk about what's troubling her.

Be patient and the next time your s.i.l. complains about her, suggest he's patient too as there's nothing you can do but wait until she's ready to talk.

VioletSky Mon 28-Mar-22 17:47:21

Try to see it from her side, she has a young family, is a mother herself and yet was told it was up to her to arrange mothers day preparations.

Then she is poorly and doesn't even get to enjoy lunch out with her own children on mother's day.

She is the one currently mothering young children, it seems like everyone has forgotten that and are all putting her down behind her back!

I honestly feel quite bad for her. She will sense what you all think of her and probably had a miserable day.

Maybe instead of agreeing about what people don't like about her everyone could start supporting what they do like about her. Stop expecting her to arrange her own celebrations and just be a bit kinder and more considerate?

snowberryZ Mon 28-Mar-22 17:48:29

Your daughter is also a Mother.
It was her mother's day too.
And she obviously wasn't feeling very well
I feel sorry for her. Older women, if they're not careful, can fall into the trap of thinking they're the main ones in the family and that everyone else must revolve around them.
Don't be like that.