Adult Daughter Ignored Mother's Day

Yes, its a nasty SiL who talks behind his wifes back. She would do better without him and a dog would be more loyal and loving.
If all he provides are material benefits and "she has everything she needs materially", that's not a marriage. She could still get all of that in a divorce package. What about love, trust and loyalty?

People who are nice to someone's face and then go away and backstab them to others make me so cross. My own mother let herself down when she pocket dialled me on her mobile while she was on her landline and I heard her talking about me to someone else. It's likely the daughter has an inkling what's going on and its contributing to her depression.

How can anyone expect to have good relationships if you backstab and don't actually sit down and have a good open and honest conversation? It's easy to complain and point the finger, but relationships take two.

I posted in error another post on this subject apparently on Good Morning, will have to find it.the message, the sil sounds dreadful and the mother sits and let’s him run her daughter down when he should have been at home with his family not mil. No wonder daughter down with the pair of them. Think I’d be tempted to just have my children if I was her and set him free.

I’m sorry you’re upset with your daughter. Is that because you think perhaps she doesn’t love or value you generally or you’re simply miffed because she didn’t do something special for you?

Whatever your daughter’s going through at the moment it seems to me that she would benefit from a little extra attention and kindness. Maybe just send her the odd card and little treats, and perhaps a chatty phone call where you make sure you listen as much as you speak.

I've never really had a mothers day that was all about me as I've always put my Mother in law and Mother first. As they both live far away in opposite directions I've never had the chance to think about doing something with my Daughter in Law or think about what I would like for myself. I doubt my Daughter in law would want to do anything as she doesn't even answer my texts. It has made me think a bit though as many people are saying kids should come first.... Though from my perspective, I would have liked someone to notice and do something even if it was just a phone call...

If women are married I think it is the husbands job to buy a gift for the young kids to give their Mum and treat her. thoughtful. My husband bought me flowers on Mother's Day even though the kids are grown, but probably because one of them made no effort. He also made no effort for his wife, what a selfish man child.

Your daughter is having problems, clearly not well and yet you are concerned with yourself. I’m sorry but you expect a lot from your children, they have their own families, why should your daughter, a mother herself put you first, who is treating her? Just ask her how things are, is everything ok, let her know she comes first with you and that you’re there for her. Their families come first.

As a mother if my daughter, who is also a mother, was at home on Mother's Day ill, I would be more worried about her and less worried about what I was missing on Mother's Day.

I truly hate mothers day and reactions like this is why. It can be such a forced holiday. Yes we should honor and love our mothers. But once it becomes an obligation it loses it's meaning.

Your daughter set up the lunch for you. She sent her husband and children and spent the day alone. And it still is not enough. You are here complaining about not getting what you wanted. And you spent the day talking badly about her while she was not there. All the while praising your son for showing up and paying for half the meal.

Your daughter is also a Mother.
It was her mother's day too.
And she obviously wasn't feeling very well
I feel sorry for her. Older women, if they're not careful, can fall into the trap of thinking they're the main ones in the family and that everyone else must revolve around them.
Don't be like that.

Try to see it from her side, she has a young family, is a mother herself and yet was told it was up to her to arrange mothers day preparations.

Then she is poorly and doesn't even get to enjoy lunch out with her own children on mother's day.

She is the one currently mothering young children, it seems like everyone has forgotten that and are all putting her down behind her back!

I honestly feel quite bad for her. She will sense what you all think of her and probably had a miserable day.

Maybe instead of agreeing about what people don't like about her everyone could start supporting what they do like about her. Stop expecting her to arrange her own celebrations and just be a bit kinder and more considerate?

I don't think you should just 'leave her to it'. There's clearly something going on and you're seeing the symptoms of what ever it is, rather than the cause.

Suggest going out for lunch or a coffee. 'Phone for a chat and ask her how she is; let her know that you are there for her and hopefully she'll feel able to talk about what's troubling her.

Be patient and the next time your s.i.l. complains about her, suggest he's patient too as there's nothing you can do but wait until she's ready to talk.

Oh gosh - just ignore it and don't be hurt. You do not want to create a situation where she has to send greetings for the purpose of appeasing you rather than for a good reason.

I had something from two of my DDs and not the other, who, like yours, is recovering from a virus.

My SiL says he's having a difficult time with her and appeals to me to talk to her. You should not be in a situation where your SIL is asking you to talk to his wife on his behalf.

It sounds as though your poor DD is having a difficult time at the moment and all you can do is to be there for her - but not as messenger from her OH. I would be more worried about her well-being than hurt at not getting a mother's day greeting.

It sounds as though your daughter is having a hard time. Could you possibly arrange some time together, just you and her? Perhaps have lunch or a day out where you can just be loving together and have a good chat. Then if she has any problems she can tell you quietly and you can help. Or if nothing is raised you can just remind her how loved she is.

I agree with the poster who have said be vary of family members who complain about others and who may have an agenda.

Lots going on here! Your DD may have depression , grieving or be in a swamp in her marriage or all sortsof other possibilities. Whatever it is as her mum you need to be neutral with SiL.., ' So sorry she is poorly still, can I do anything to help?" and drop her a message/ or call to check how she is & if you can help out in any way. Don't offer a 'solution' as you don't know what the problem is.

I have to agree with Honeysuckleberries really.
Mother's Day should have been focused on your daughter.
I saw my own daughters on the Saturday, so that they could have their day made special for them with their own children.
I would also be vary wary of your son in law.

If this was my daughter, although naturally I would be upset that she hadn’t initially mentioned Mothers Day, I would assume that she was still feeling under the weather and most probably upset that she was missing a family gathering, especially as she had arranged it all. From what you say, it sounds as if your DD is suffering from anxiety and depression which is worsening, and your SiL is at a loss to know how to deal with it (my DH has been the same in the past). Could you (or your SiL or son) encourage her to find a different therapist to talk to? Just keep being there to listen and talk when she needs it. Why not meet for an informal coffee as soon as she’s feeling better and wish each other a belated happy Mother’s Day.

Also, just because " She's got everything she wants materially" it doesn't automatically equal happiness. We are emotional creatures, with emotional needs that material things cannot satisfy.

Yes Oodles I agree.

It would be good to go and sit and just listen to her. Perhaps ask her how things are with SiL? However "nice" he is to you, she is your child. In my experience of depression, when people turn inwards its either because they think no one will believe them or because they feel so bad about themselves and blame themselves... It could also be a more severe depression than anyone realises.

abusers do blame the victim and try to get others on their side, to do their dirty work,flying monkeys they are called. Be careful what you say, it may be reported as even your mother thinks you are an unfriendly cow, they can so easily twist things. Best to say nothing to him. Not saying don't talk to her but don't do it as a response to what he has said and don't report back to him either.
Hope it isn't a difficult situation like that but always worth playing safe. Be on her side and assume the best of her

What about her lovely Mother’s Day? It sounds to me that she was neglected in favour of you. As she has young children she should have been the focus of Mother’s Day not you. I have 3 dil’s and told my sons not to do anything for me but to concentrate on their wives. I’ve had my time being feted now it’s the next generation’s turn.

A good point Redhead56. It's not uncommon for abusers to "blame the victim" and shouldn't be ruled out. He might be gaslighting her. It's not unheard of.

Could she be down because she is having a difficult time with your sil? Maybe it's not easy for her to talk about.

Everyone grieves differently, at different rates- and its not something you can just get over. Perhaps she needs professional help as she seems to not be coping and seems to be turning inwards.

It's a shame your daughter was ill and was not able to enjoy a family event with her family on Mother's Day. She does sound very preoccupied and thats not good for the kids. If the aloofness is since your DH died, then she needs help. Its obvious that since her MiL and her husband are commenting on it that it's a problem to them as well, which may make her feel even more like withdrawing from social occaisions.

Ignored

Exactly bibity

And I would say she ignore the mother's day you envisioned

Really, this is just the tip of the iceberg - having as many issues as she has in her daily life, all you worry about is her missing the lunch when she was sick?

I think Bibbity means he's a snake for talking about his wife to you, he should be loyal to her really even if he thinks she is wrong. Also if she is still feeling poorly she might just have not been thinking straight.

Her husband keeps telling me how difficult she is

My SiL says he's having a difficult time with her and appeals to me to talk to her

Really? Can't imagine why she isn't giddy with excitement about being in the presence of such a lovely bunch.