Adult Daughter Ignored Mother's Day

No, if you look back I started the thread as Linfreed but Esmay came on with her issue.

It's not a problem maybe a misunderstanding.. happe no.

Did you change your name Linfreed ? Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Ii actually started the thread, but no need to get angsty about it!

LinFreed I hope they won't go if they are still testing positive.
I'm glad you are giving more thought to your daughter's situation, rather than worrying about Mother's Day.

OnwardandUpward it is LinFreed's thread!

It seems hypocritical to complain that Esmay has hijacked the thread and then use your post to talk about your daughter Linfreed.

Anyway, as I said before - in real life and online, conversations DO wander. It's not helpful for anyone to invalidate other people's problems and feelings or try to police what is said. If anyone did this IRL I think eyebrows would be raised. Especially to complain "they did ....and then to start talking about your family

LinFreed - it was never my intention to hijack your thread and I did apologise .

I'm wishing you well and hope that your situation is resolved happily .

Esna5, this thread has I’m afraid detracted from op and become about how you feel.

I've been so busy and just come back to my thread, which seems to have been hijacked by another issue from Esmay.

Anyway, I've had the gc over quite a bit as daughter & SiL have had Covid.

There was a bit of a kerfuffle about taking them one stop on the tube to have lunch with them. SIl was a bit paranoid about them going underground one stop before they go to Spain on holiday this Saturday.

So they're both recovering from Covid, still testing positive and it's more important they get away than allowing my gc to go one stop on the tube.

My daughter seemed quite agitated about the hypocrisy of her husband's stance as I was surprised that they were happy to go onto a plane possibly still being positive for Covid.

My SiL then apologises for his wife's agitation and said he had calmed her down. After getting your responses, I have to say I do worry a bit for her.

You're thoughtful 62Granny as I don't think many people know about or talk about Peri Menopause as much as actual menopause. Also, even just getting older feels a lot sometimes because we are aware that we don't have the energy we used to have.

Like you, I feel there is more to life than being well off. Life can be so much more full with friends, hobbies and interests. Voluntary work can be really good too, if she's up to it. The anxiety may be stopping her doing these things. Your advice is good and I definitely think avoiding talking about her is good, as she may find out and it may breed distrust.

SiL sounds a bit dodgy to me and he may have said "your Mother thinks....." that may be something you didn't say but that might be making her feel paranoid. I would just go there and try to talk to her.

How old is she? Can she be starting the peri-menopause? It can give you the symptoms she seems to be feeling, dissatisfaction with life and what you have achieved as well as the physical symptoms. Try and arrange some time together just the two of you give her an opportunity to say how she is feeling , perhaps say you are worried about her and leave her take the conversation forward. Why isn't she moving on from her father's death? I would not mention her husband's concern or that he has mentioned it to you as she will feel you are talking behind her back. Tell her whatever she says to you will be kept between you unless she gives you permission to speak about it. Encourage her to see her GP, and perhaps he counselling one more time . Does she have any friends and hobbies she could be just feeling that she doesn't have enough to occupy her. I know that sounds silly as she seems to have a good life but some voluntary work may give her a purpose.

I think Linfreed knows we ALL feel very sorry for her. She could have returned, but chose not to.

I don't think you did anything wrong Esmay but sometimes online it feels like people get all upset because Someone said something in the wrong place or on the wrong forum, or just they don't like what was said full stop. I have seen bullying on here before so I'll call it out. No one except Gransnet have the right to police these forums and decide who can speak and what can or can't be said. You may have gone off on a tangent, but it shouldn't matter.

Never let your perfectly valid feelings be invalidated by anyone. I have had a lifetime of having my feelings invalidated by toxic relatives, so am extremely resistant to being told what I can and can not think or say. Sometimes conversations are triggering. It happens, and people would ideally be more kind, realising this.

DiscoDancer1975

OnwardandUpward

It's not as if OP who wrote the thread in the first place has bothered to come back and comment.... It's probably my fault it continued because I answered.

BUT this happens in real life. Conversations DO wander. I don't see the problem with a conversation that goes in a different direction than it started because it's a natural thing. I do think some people are pedantic about such things and try to control what's posted in certain forums and I think controlling behaviour is off putting.

I am beginning to understand your dilemma Esmay. I think you're going to have to be strong and put good boundaries around you. My parents also "divide and conquer" , but they are less successful these days.

I think some of the answers are pretty mean seeing as this is someone who needs support. Do you criticise people for what they talk about IRL or try to police their conversations? Meryl?

I understand that conversations can drift into other domains, when chatting about something not personal. So news/ politics etc, but this was personal....to Linfreed, and she now hasn’t come back.

If I’ve ever been in a real life conversation where someone has butted in...and made it about them, rather than join in with the chat we were having, I’ve tended to walk away.

I see your point but if I was having a conversation with someone who walked away I would continue to talk/listen with whoever was there at the time.

I feel sorry for Esmay for having this problem and also sometimes conversations can trigger other conversations as a natural progression. Im probably guilty of doing this myself and the "rules" are not always obvious. Especially not to me.

Thanks DiscoDancer .
Have a lovely weekend !

Esmay, please don’t feel disheartened. Start your own thread.

No MerylStreep - I don't .

I was originally feeling very sorry for LinFreed
And somehow it's turned into a onslaught of criticism :

I don't think that I'm a failure of a mother ,who hasn't protected her daughter from her grandfather .

I deeply regret posting my thoughts and over the last six years I've certainly had time to reflect on this unfortunate situation .

Just before the ghosting I'd made moves to rectify it by moving - I wanted to buy a house and a business to help her - when my father was rushed into hospital again .

My own health deteriorated at the time and moving was just too much .

Then Brexit then Covid...

These days - my father isn't as enamoured as he was with her sister and brother .

I don't think it's just my father's attitude towards my daughter and granddaughter, which has caused this .

I think that my daughter is depressed and overwhelmed .
She broke up with her partner and he has been unpleasant.
She's also had problems with my granddaughter.
Unfortunately my daughter wasn't really communicating with any of us .
She has done this before , but not for such long period .

Thank you Onwardsand upwards for seeing the bigger picture .
I don't think that it's your fault for answering.
Yours is the voice of reason !

I'm not asking for pity -just understanding.
There's a difference .

No more from me on this subject.

I'll stick to books and gardening !

OnwardandUpward

It's not as if OP who wrote the thread in the first place has bothered to come back and comment.... It's probably my fault it continued because I answered.

BUT this happens in real life. Conversations DO wander. I don't see the problem with a conversation that goes in a different direction than it started because it's a natural thing. I do think some people are pedantic about such things and try to control what's posted in certain forums and I think controlling behaviour is off putting.

I am beginning to understand your dilemma Esmay. I think you're going to have to be strong and put good boundaries around you. My parents also "divide and conquer" , but they are less successful these days.

I think some of the answers are pretty mean seeing as this is someone who needs support. Do you criticise people for what they talk about IRL or try to police their conversations? Meryl?

I understand that conversations can drift into other domains, when chatting about something not personal. So news/ politics etc, but this was personal....to Linfreed, and she now hasn’t come back.

If I’ve ever been in a real life conversation where someone has butted in...and made it about them, rather than join in with the chat we were having, I’ve tended to walk away.

It's not as if OP who wrote the thread in the first place has bothered to come back and comment.... It's probably my fault it continued because I answered.

BUT this happens in real life. Conversations DO wander. I don't see the problem with a conversation that goes in a different direction than it started because it's a natural thing. I do think some people are pedantic about such things and try to control what's posted in certain forums and I think controlling behaviour is off putting.

I am beginning to understand your dilemma Esmay. I think you're going to have to be strong and put good boundaries around you. My parents also "divide and conquer" , but they are less successful these days.

I think some of the answers are pretty mean seeing as this is someone who needs support. Do you criticise people for what they talk about IRL or try to police their conversations? Meryl?

Esmay
Do you butt into peoples conversations as you have done here.
Can’t you see how rude you’ve been to make this thread all about you

LinFreed I'm with those saying that no-one seems to be giving your daughter any consideration at all.
Put your concern for her first, instead of anything else.
And be wary of believing your SiL.

Oops I mean to direct that to argymargy not Bibbity .
I'm not intending to write pity me posts .

Bibbity -In sympathising with Linfreed somehow the thread changed to my problems .
I'm the one who said that I'd unintentionally hijacked the thread.
I was trying to close it

He hasn't been cruel to my daughter

Yes he was. You admitted so.
While I do not deny your pain I am afraid it is clear why your daughter has left you both so that she can hopefully secure her happiness. And while you deny the trauma you both caused I don't believe anyone in her position would even contemplate looking back and forming any sort of relationship

Esmay as others have politely pointed out, you have hijacked this thread. You even acknowledged this and yet continue to write long pity-me posts looking for answers to your own problems. Perhaps your daughter struggles with this kind of behaviour.

I moved in with my father about six years ago .
He was serioudly ill and not expected to live.
Weeks turned into months and now years .
Before he fell at the beginning of the year he'd started being nice to me .
Depression and being sick has made him revert to his old nastiness .
I made a promise to look after him and I shall as long as I'm able.
I'm only sad and angry with myself that a compromise wasn't made -ie moving near to my daughter .
My father never stops criticising everyone even when he's charming to their face .
This year it seemed as though he was going to die and I was consumed with sadness.
I love him ,but I don't like him .
Next week there will be more discussions about his care .