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Whose right here

(77 Posts)
Sallywally1 Thu 31-Mar-22 17:34:51

Other half recently cleared up the garden quite a lot (back in early February). It is all piled up at the bottom of the garden still, and would be around 10 garden sacks worth. I also have three black bags with some old rugs in them. I asked when he said he would take it all to the dump (he is retired and drives, I work two days a week). He said ‘soon’. My adult son came round today and asked when the carpets are going. I said I might pay the council at which point he said he would take it all and I could pay him instead. I agreed to this. I just want it out of the way.

When son left DH asked me if I hadn’t been a little undermining to him. I said DS had offered! DH has form for saying this sort of thing to me. He doesn’t want to take the rubbish, so I made different arrangements. When he says things like this I actually feel quite sick. I also find it embarrassing to have a load of rubbish in the sight of my, very nice, neighbours.

Serendipity22 Thu 31-Mar-22 17:41:35

I cant see a problem in the fact you have made some sort of arrangements to get rid of it, personally i would be of the same mindset as yourself ( as long as its shifted, what does it matter HOW!)

BUT i am wondering why your DH feels the need to say what he said? Like there is more than this issue.

We all fall out about things that are absolutely not worth wasting breath on BUT its usually a build up of strong issues.

Coastpath Thu 31-Mar-22 17:44:39

As your husband had cleared the garden could you not have taken the rubbish to the tip?

Do you not have some kind of green garden bin collection by your local council?

MerylStreep Thu 31-Mar-22 17:51:52

Coastpath

As your husband had cleared the garden could you not have taken the rubbish to the tip?

Do you not have some kind of green garden bin collection by your local council?

OPs husband is retired. OP still works 2 days a week.
I’m puzzled why you feel sick when he talks to you as he does.

MawtheMerrier Thu 31-Mar-22 17:53:38

“When a man says he is going to do something, there is no need to remind him every six months” 🤣🤣

Bridgeit Thu 31-Mar-22 18:00:36

Ohh dear….. as long as the rubbish has gone such a shame for this to even be an issue (IMO)
Sad that he feels undermined rather than grateful. Best wishes

Baggs Thu 31-Mar-22 18:03:22

Tell him he undermined himself by not getting on with it.

BlueBelle Thu 31-Mar-22 18:22:31

Sounds like the 10 garden sacks could have made good compost

Sallywally1 Thu 31-Mar-22 18:24:19

I am unable to do such jobs myself as I have arthritic hands and find it difficult to lift anything!

I think the issue here is a bullying tone used by him to me.

Yes, I should do something, but I am quite unassertive.

HowVeryDareYou Thu 31-Mar-22 18:25:23

My husband is the same - it takes him ages to get round to actually doing a job, and even longer for him to complete it! He does work, though. It drives me mad with frustration.

Skydancer Thu 31-Mar-22 18:27:36

I find the way to get things done is say you're going to do it yourself. This always works in our household.

DanniRae Thu 31-Mar-22 19:28:18

I can't believe that you had to pay your son to take the rubbish for you? shock

Curlywhirly Thu 31-Mar-22 19:40:58

DanniRae

I can't believe that you had to pay your son to take the rubbish for you? shock

Me neither!

Marydoll Thu 31-Mar-22 19:43:28

Curlywhirly

DanniRae

I can't believe that you had to pay your son to take the rubbish for you? shock

Me neither!

Nor me!

My children often ask if I need anything taken to the tip. I don't even need to ask!

JaneJudge Thu 31-Mar-22 19:45:29

I give my adult children a bit of money if they do jobs for me, I don't think it is that unusual?

Sally. ask your husband if he realises how he makes you feel

PECS Thu 31-Mar-22 19:52:35

I need to lend you my DH.. he loves a trip to the tip.. we pay for a fortnightly ' green bin' collection but if I have a couple of bags of garden pruning, weeds etc he will whisk it away almost before I am finished..I have been known to be annoyed at his haste grin

Baggs Thu 31-Mar-22 20:12:09

JaneJudge

I give my adult children a bit of money if they do jobs for me, I don't think it is that unusual?

Sally. ask your husband if he realises how he makes you feel

Or just say "Don't be horrid."

Mollygo Thu 31-Mar-22 20:24:16

JaneJudge
I give my adult children a bit of money if they do jobs for me, I don't think it is that unusual.
I would would like to, but they won’t let me. DD’s say, “For heavens sake Mum!”
It’s easier to offer a take-away or coffee and cakes.

Barmeyoldbat Thu 31-Mar-22 20:39:50

It sounds like to me he likes to be in control and is a bully in the way he talks to,. Need I say anymore.

sodapop Thu 31-Mar-22 20:43:32

Unless this sort of thing happens frequently Sallywally I would not make a big thing out of it. Just say, well its done now so we can all relax.

lemsip Thu 31-Mar-22 21:06:43

you say 'when he says things like this I actually feel quite sick...........
That is awful, I would sooner be on my own....

Redhead56 Thu 31-Mar-22 22:49:09

Either one of us or both if needed go the tip to get the rubbish out the way when it's required.
If our son does little jobs for us I reward him because I want too. A little extra for diesel is always welcome.
Your husband feels undermined because he is immature by the sounds of it. I would just let him sulk and don't rise to the bait.

Marydoll Thu 31-Mar-22 22:54:17

Mollygo

JaneJudge
I give my adult children a bit of money if they do jobs for me, I don't think it is that unusual.
I would would like to, but they won’t let me. DD’s say, “For heavens sake Mum!”
It’s easier to offer a take-away or coffee and cakes.

That's what I do too. They do so much for me, refuse to take penny and try to pay for everything. For that reason, I buy treats instead, then it's a fait accompli.

Callistemon21 Thu 31-Mar-22 23:24:32

He's feeling guilty Sallywally because he knows he should have got on and done it.

Instead of apologising for not doing it, he's attacking you instead.

Just say "Well, I thought I'd save you a heavy job, dear".

henetha Fri 01-Apr-22 09:55:44

I understand what you mean when you say you feel sick when he talks to you like that. It's very belittling, and then a huge sensation of your stomach dropping to your feet.
Stand up for yourself.