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Difficult son

(27 Posts)
Notjustaprettyface Fri 08-Apr-22 23:18:07

I know I have posted about this before but basically , I look after my grandchildren 2 days a week and my son ( the childrens uncle ) is resentful of this
He says I do too much for my daughter ( his sister ) and I shouldn’t etc
I am looking after the children again tomorrow as their parents are going to a wedding and I asked my son if I could pop round to see him for an hour to break the day and he just shouted at me saying Saturday is his only day off, he works hard and its not his problem he said
He thinks I should tell my daughter I don’t want to do it
And he won’t talk about it , he just shouts
I feel very sad as I love the grandkids , I am trying to help my daughter and I feel my son is treating me badly
I don’t know if his wife is influencing him ?
It’s a possibility
Anyway , I don’t know what to do , I don’t know how to handle it
As far as I am aware , I was a good mother to both my son and my daughter and I don’t know what I ve done to deserve this
As he left yesterday , after a shouting match , he said I could phone him tomorrow and if ‘ hes around’ to use his words , I can go round
But I don’t feel welcome and my instinct tells me not to go
Is this the right decision and long term , what do I do about this ?
I am in a bad place and just need help

MissAdventure Fri 08-Apr-22 23:55:44

Has your son got a point that you help out "too much" with regard to your daughter?
I can kind of see his point, just as I can see yours.

My neighbour looks after her sons 3 lively grandchildren, and often tries to get me involved, when I don't want to be.

How often do you see your son?

Esspee Sat 09-Apr-22 00:10:00

Knowing how he reacts why did you let him know you were babysitting, never mind asking to take the children to his home?
Do NOT go near him tomorrow. You know it’s going to cause another row.

Dottyw Sat 09-Apr-22 00:24:18

I feel so sad for you. You obviously love your children equally. However he’s jealous of you helping out your daughter, and sadly resents his nephew/nieces. Which is also worrying. You are enjoying your time with the grandchildren. Just enjoy it away from
him. And visit him alone. Good luck.

dogsmother Sat 09-Apr-22 01:21:47

I tend to agree with esspee, as you know how he feels, you might have avoided the situation by not involving him in the care of them and finding an alternative way of breaking up the day. Visit him when you don’t have three children to mind might be more considerate. Okay

VioletSky Sat 09-Apr-22 01:41:58

It sounds like you just need to prioritise time with your son sometimes and not pop round with grandchildren "to break the day" rather than specifically to see him.

Some people don't like children

Some people don't enjoy time with others children even if they are family

He may want to have time with you that isn't an afterthought or surrounded by distractions.

I don't see how this could possibly be a DIL problem

Make plans with him, don't break them for your daughter or anyone else. Let him know he matters too

welbeck Sat 09-Apr-22 01:56:43

agree with espee and others.
perhaps he does not relish the cacophony of young children invading his space on his day off.
you agreed to look after them, he didn't.
and it does sound like you are just making a convenience out of him, wanting to pop round to break up your day.

BlueBelle Sat 09-Apr-22 05:24:49

I agree with others …why poke a sleeping lion ? He’s made it quite plain he’s not happy with your involvement with your daughters children, maybe he’s jealous, maybe he sees you getting stressed with the grandkids, maybe he has problems with his sister, you don’t seem to know, so we can’t know
whatever the reason he’s said don’t go with them ….so don’t go
Spend your time with the children and then visit your son for himself by yourself not as somewhere to entertain the nieces /nephews

PerserverencePays Sat 09-Apr-22 06:35:30

It's tough isn't it, looking after them all day when there isn't another house you can pop in on like when your own were little and you had other parent friends. And if it's a wedding it will probs be a long day too.
I would plan a trip out somewhere with a packed lunch and then home again to watch a film. I don't know what your son's problem is, maybe you have mentionitis about the children and he's feeling like it's an implied criticism, but probs better to visit him on your own.
Good luck today, I always take a flask of tea for myself and biscuits and I find it always welcome when I take the little darlings out.

Ashcombe Sat 09-Apr-22 06:45:50

Some good advice here.

Might I just add that it’s possible that your son and his wife would like to have children but can’t for some reason. Or, perhaps they are house proud and resent their home being invaded, as they perceive visits involving children to be, even though the children are well behaved. If they both work full time, maybe weekends are spent catching up domestically.

I hope you can find something to do for your grandchildren to enjoy and you all have a good day.

M0nica Sat 09-Apr-22 07:27:01

Ashcombe the same occurred to me - about wanting children but they do not arrive -

It could date back to childhood; Most people try to be even handed when childrenare small and not have favourites etc, but, as I have discovered, what you do and how children perceive it are two entirely different things.

Perhaps you and your daughter bonded over clothes or make-up or a shared interest, and even though you gave your son special time as well, he just saw it as you and your daughter ganging up on him and him being excluded.

Whatever the reason, I agree with what others have said, when caring for your grandchildren do not bring your son into the mix. Arrange to see him separately and talk of anything but yur grandchildren

lemsip Sat 09-Apr-22 07:39:05

if you look after your grandchildren you should find things to do with them, not take them to your son's to break up the day as you put it! I looked after my grandchildren and wouldn't have dreamed of taking them to my other son's house.

lemsip Sat 09-Apr-22 07:47:05

You said I look after my 2 grandkids aged 2 and a half and 16 months respectively , 2 days a week......

I see on your earlier post that your grandchildren are babies
really,,at 2 and 16 months and your husband older than you and partially have taken on too much and I don't know how you cope!

NotSpaghetti Sat 09-Apr-22 08:34:41

Do not use your son as a "convenience" when you have taken on the job of looking after his sister's children. He probably will interpret the request as meaning that you having taken on too much (again). He will resent his sister for putting you in this position and I expect this will be damaging his relationship with her. He is trying to protect you I think.
I also think you should tell your daughter that you don't want to do it.

Curlywhirly Sat 09-Apr-22 09:26:56

I have 2 sons, 1 married with 2 children and the other single and no children. Maybe I'm just lucky, but my single son is more than happy for me to visit with his niece and nephew - he dotes on them and has even babysat for them on occasion.
The OPS son, for whatever reason, doesn't want his Mum visiting with the children, so I certainly wouldn't take them. And as for him being miffed that his Mum is using him as a convenience- FGS, life's too short!

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 09-Apr-22 09:28:56

My first thought was that son and daughter in law may be having difficulty having a child so he doesn’t want the grandchildren in his face or constantly talked about. I also wondered if he simply doesn’t like young children. It’s not mandatory even if you’re related to them.

Notjustaprettyface Sat 09-Apr-22 10:02:25

Thanks for all the excellent advice which I am taking on board so I won’t go and see my son today
There are many points mentioned in your comments and I will have to address them
It doesn’t excuse the way my son shouted at me though but I will have to deal with that when the time is right
I do think that perhaps I am doing too much but am reluctant to say no to my daughter as she easily gets upset and bears a grudge
So I need to think about all this
In a way , what I would like is for my daughter to realise herself that she is asking too much too often and lay off a bit
But maybe that’s naive of me
Anyway I do appreciate all of your comments
Thank you

MissAdventure Sat 09-Apr-22 10:22:18

Good luck. flowers

M0ira Sat 09-Apr-22 11:34:39

Oh dear what a dilemma.
Your son sounds a bit jealous or is he sad that he doesn’t have children yet? Is your daughter asking a bit much looking after what surely is two babies?
Why do young couples almost expect the consequences of their own actions have to become some one else’s responsibility!
Good luck with both of them.
Maybe take your son and his wife out for a meal? Spoil them a little bit?

PollyDolly Sat 09-Apr-22 11:42:40

It strikes me that your son is behaving like a spoilt child himself. He is clearly very resentful of his sisters children when you dedicate time with them. I know males in a similar situation who absolutely adore their nieces and nephews and would move heaven and earth to spend time with them.
Has something happened in his past to justify this behaviour? I think a serious chat with him, when you are free of the GC, is long overdue. You need to get to the root of this before it destroys the family completely.
Those poor children will eventually pick up on the ill feeling displayed by their uncle, if they haven't already done so and they don't deserve this.

MissAdventure Sat 09-Apr-22 12:05:44

If anyone had a serious chat with me about which didnt want my one day off a week to be spent with somebody else's children, I think they might not like my answer.

It isn't compulsory to like children.

My guess is that the daughter is given a lot more time and attention, because she expects it, and that the son is resentful of it.

All quite reasonable, really, apart from the shouting.

Ladyleftfieldlover Sat 09-Apr-22 12:12:14

I am afraid your son sounds very annoying!

sodapop Sat 09-Apr-22 13:41:49

I think as long as you continue to shoulder these responsibilities Notjustaprettyface your daughter will continue to take advantage. Time for an honest conversation with her and to spend some quality time with your son.
I'm not condoning the shouting though.

jeanie99 Sun 10-Apr-22 00:37:10

OP if you want to see your grandchildren and it is convenient to you then it as nothing to do with your son.
I wouldn't in future include him in any arrangement you have with your daughters children.
Why he would be so angry and shout at you is worrying and I would ask him if it happens again to not speak to you in such a disrespectful way.

NotSpaghetti Sun 10-Apr-22 10:26:17

I think his shouting is trying to protect you. I feel he is trying to make you see how you are being "used" and "worn out" by his sister. He will probably be happy to see the children when he is not "colluding" with your "abuse" by his sister.