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Dp sweeps everything under the carpet, selfish, will do only what he wants to do he

(21 Posts)
Clio Sun 17-Apr-22 13:48:15

If we have a disagreement things always turn into an argument mainly because he says “ I’m not arguing “ we never get anything sorted . I get so angry because I know he doesn’t want to deal with it, he’s so so for a quite life.
We are so different
He has to GO out the house and I’m ok with staying in. I can get on with things in the house, house stuff, film on tv, reading , garden.
I must say I do suffer anxiety, so not always up to going out. But even that as got boring with him as all hr wants to do with me is
A coffee(mainly the same place)
M&S for lunch( he says because I’m a plain eater) but I’ve suggested new places with fairly plain menu and I’ve got
“ what do you want to go there for”
He’s not interested in house decor, but will sit there whilst I paint and say that looks nice.
We still hit the same carpet on the stairs from when we moved in 20 yrs ago, when I say it’s disgusting I mean it
He’d let me buy it no problem as I have with lots off other things in the house.

It’s got to the point now that I resent him
Like Easter weekend
Fri - he went bike event
Sat - he went tennis, I did mention
Great Easter I’ve had for last 10 yrs. he then said we go somewhere tomorrow .
I’ve sat here thinking through how in the past he’s actually put me first? Beginning off relationship! I can’t talk to him(I know it’s childish, but he want talk it through anyway, I’ve already had “ I’m not arguing “
So I’m wasting my energy and time
He know I’m angry, so we’re not speaking
Sunday - he’s gone out on pedal bike
Mon - he’s at bike event again

I just feel I’ve wasted the last 13 yrs with him.
He had an affair when I was going through menopause and had chronic anxiety & depression. Which only came to light when I guessed, even a coward to go. Leading 2 lives for 2 years.
Because of how I was I suppose when exh cheated on me and left me with 4yr old
I didn’t want to go through the trauma off it again
He stayed, I don’t know why as OW wanted them to set up home together

I can honestly say that absolutely shattered me mentally and physically at the age of 56
I’m now 64 and wished I’d off gone then.
He isn’t going to change his dad was exactly the same. His mum left his dad because he never dealt with relationship issues and wanted quite life so would ignore issues and get on with his own life, which is what dp does. He will act like nothing as been said,
He is so selfish.

Another example
His mum as on set dementia, she lives in an apartment with his sister helping out as she live 6/7 mile away from her taking shopping . She organised a cleaner and about 15 yrs ago home help. We live 26 miles away.
So about 3 weeks ago, he gets call from other sister to say his mum gad been out into care. This wasn’t discussed with all 3 children as they do not get on.
He went mad calling sister that helped her
Saying I will never forgive A for doing that and I will get my own back on her(hes67)
I said she’s probably “had enough “ she’s been doing it for over 5 yrs, and it git too much. We don’t know how things are! As he’s mum now only says same 4 sentence’s
He hasn’t been to the home himself! Because he says it reminds him of when his dad was in one(very close to dad)
But, when his dad was at his home with dementia, he resented sitting with him once a week because he didn’t like his new wife
and why should he sit whilst she goes out
This was for 2 hrs.

So I know, there is no way he would be willing to look after me if anything was to happen like that, his life goes on no matter what.

I feel I resent him when he acts like he does
Putting himself first.
I know I could make a life for myself, do things I like etc. I just think what’s the point of living together but doing separate things
I’ve been to bike events in the past and tennis tournaments but he will not try what I suggest

I don’t know what to do, I’m getting more negative and resentment

greenlady102 Sun 17-Apr-22 13:50:48


Grandmabatty Sun 17-Apr-22 13:56:06

So you knew he had had an affair but stayed with him? He probably thinks there are no consequences for his actions. Life is too short to live with someone who makes you unhappy. Get organised and leave.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 17-Apr-22 14:02:43

For heaven’s sake see a solicitor about a divorce.

Allsorts Sun 17-Apr-22 14:04:04

I know I’m a bit of a wimp even pluck up the courage to leave my home, unmanageable to find a new one, but in your position I know just what I would do. Leave, split your assets. He is a selfish uncaring man. His poor sister has done her best caring for his mother and he hardly gives her the time of day. How do you think you will treated by him. He must think it’s a bed of roses having dementia, they don’t choose it, what a shame having to visit and upset himself, I would feel like locking him in. I must admit if he had committed adultery I would not have stayed in the marriage, however people do and say it’s worked out. That would not be an option for me, if it’s not working, which it couldn’t have been, he hardly thought of you when he was sowing his wild oats, better with a cat.

Buttonjugs Sun 17-Apr-22 14:14:05

I think you know you need to leave. You are getting absolutely nothing from this relationship. Have you thought that with his family history of dementia he may succumb too in a few years? Get out while you can. Do you have enough money for a deposit on a flat? When I left my husband many years ago I took out a loan for a deposit on a house and moved in with my son, I have never regretted it. Have a look online and see what’s available.

Elizabeth27 Sun 17-Apr-22 14:28:38

You are two people that want different things, you cannot nor should you try to change him.

Why are you together?

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 17-Apr-22 14:46:54

Whatever the reasons, it’s obvious that you don’t want to be with him, leave.

rafichagran Sun 17-Apr-22 14:48:55

I would not bother with him either, he sounds like a bore. What are you getting out of the marriage other than resentment.

I know it's hard but if you can afford a small flat or house of your own, you will be better off.

Visgir1 Sun 17-Apr-22 15:09:49

Actions speak louder than words.. Leave him.

Allsorts Sun 17-Apr-22 15:43:25

But plan it, I didn’t, get your fair share, sort what you can away, divorce turns nasty.

MerylStreep Sun 17-Apr-22 16:04:30

What happened last October when you told him you weren’t happy and wanted to end the relationship?
Nothing changes unless you change.

BlueBelle Sun 17-Apr-22 16:16:03

You ve posted this before haven’t you ? I remember it clearly

Answer the same …leave

BlueBelle Sun 17-Apr-22 16:19:44

New thread (ex thread, retirement problems) (8 Posts)
and I think even this one was a follow up of your dissatisfaction previous thread

sodapop Sun 17-Apr-22 16:21:14

Yes I thought I remembered that as well BlueBelle.

Get yourself organised and leave Clio don't waste any more time and energy on him.

Pepper59 Sun 17-Apr-22 16:28:41

Why are you with him? There is not one positive comment you have made about him. You really have to ask yourself if you want to continue with the life you are living, for the rest of your life. Think about that and you will get your answer.

Clio Sun 17-Apr-22 16:30:14

Yes he had an affair and yes I did stay because at the time I loved him and after my divorce with exh I wanted to see if it could be resolved.

As the years have gone on and he’s retired I realised it’s him him & him and I fit in when
He remembers take her somewhere or she will moan.
He as his agenda everyday
8am up showered & breakfast
9am bring me a coffee
9.30-9.45 he goes to shop for bread,veg milk
And anything he feels he needs. He will ask do I want anything, if I don’t know what we’re having for tea when he’s going I have to go myself later.
10.30 he’s back. He get coffee and browse internet
11am he will get hoover out fir downstairs
11.45 lunch or ask are we eating out
12.25 if he’s going out alone. Gone
1.15 if he asked do I want to go anywhere we go around this time
3pm we are on way home, doesn’t like traffic building up
4.30pm he will go in kitchen and start tea
6.30 pm shower again
7pm walk round block
7.30 tea & biscuits
8pm laptop is out, occasionally looking up at tv
11pm checks his cars outside and locks up bed

We have equity not enough for 2 places though, and I know this is when it will get really nasty(I’ve been at this point couple times) he will do nothing
“ you can’t force to to leave my house “ I even got this when he was seeing OW
The whole situation depresses me as I know what coming.I will get
So are we buying our own food then
It will be me that moves into single 20 yr old bed and he will have nice king sz bed
The atmosphere in the lounge at night
I’m dreading it, walking on eggshells feeling

I just don’t know where to start, I also have SEN adult son at home. So not easy as I need 2 bed, I can’t just abandon son.

DiscoDancer1975 Sun 17-Apr-22 16:43:34

Sorry, I didn’t read all your post, but made up my mind after first few lines. You know what you need to do.

Redhead56 Sun 17-Apr-22 16:57:34

OMG! Are you actually married to this selfish rat? Do you own property together? If the answer is yes why have you not made an appointment to see a solicitor by now?
We get one life this is not a practice run please sort this out you don’t deserve it nobody does.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 17-Apr-22 17:09:33

At least he’s doing a bit round the house and bringing you a morning coffee. You know when he’s going to the shop so tell him if you need anything, you know it’s pointless to wait for him to be asked. He’s obviously a person of routine. Nothing will change unless you make it change.

V3ra Sun 17-Apr-22 18:42:44

I know I could make a life for myself, do things I like etc. I just think what’s the point of living together but doing separate things

So do you have any hobbies or go on outings with your own friends at the moment? You don't need to wait until you leave him, or not, to have a social life.
You might find you resent him less if you do create a life outside the house for yourself, rather than waiting for him to fit you in to his busy schedule.