My daughter is distancing from me

Hi again ,

If you lost your parents ,a sibling ,support another sibling and had an abusive marriage -I'm really not surprised that you needed her .
That's a very heavy load for one person to bear .
Now I get the full picture I see where you are coming from.
I have a great deal of sympathy for you .
Most of us would lean on someone particularly someone as close as a daughter.

As you come to terms with grief over your parents and sibling and build your own life with your partner you'll need her less .

Just give her space .

And you'll be there for her when she needs you .

Take care .
Wishing you both every joy for the future .

Hithere

Also when somebody reduces contact, it is to protect themselves, not to punish the other party

I agree with this.

You are successful as a parent when your offspring no longer need you. So count this distancing as an indicator of success - she can manage without you. Well done! Now you can fill your life with other interests instead of constantly worrying about your daughter.

I have a very good relationship with my younger daughter but I wouldn't expect to speak to her every day, in fact I'd be worried if she wanted to speak that often. She's an adult with her own life and her own friends, yes I'm important to her but I recognise that part of her being an independent adult is her ability to have other people in her life who are as important as I have been as I'm not going to live for ever that doesn't mean though that she's any less important to me than she's ever been. We have done what we can to help her but I would never ever talk about "sacrifice" I don't want her to feel beholden to me. I honestly think you need to step back a little and let her live her own life and if she genuinely is "all you have" you perhaps could think about how to widen your horizons as that's a pretty grim responsibility to put on anyone's shoulders.

It'd be very unhealthy for adult offspring not to distance themselves from their parents. You need to accept that, OP, and leave her be.

What she’s doing is completely normal. This won’t last forever - provided you back off, apologise and give her the space she needs. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s just part of growing up

I think I'm the past I've put pressure on unintentionally.
I had a really hard time in an abusive marriage to her dad, then I lost my mum, dad and sibling in a short space of time. I'd also supported my disabled sibling for 17 years and that was the hardest. All this and working too so it took great strength to leave my marriage. Do you see she's all I have and she's precious to me. I can't help but stress sometimes

LOUISA1523

I get the WhatsApp thing.....I check when my Mum and 3 AC were last on every night before I go to bed....I like to feel everyone is safe

Exactly this and no more ....just peace of mind

Hi Ffoxglove ,

I think that tanith gave some good advice -making your own friends is very important .Then she won't feel pressurised into being there for you.
But when any of us go on a long journey (or do internet dating or whatever is potentially risky ) it's a brilliant idea to check into HQ if it's not you then a friend !
A panic attack means that your daughter is finding it hard to cope .She might have issues in her life that she can't share with you .
Take a deep breath -be there when she wants /needs you, but develop a circle of supportive friends and interests so that she doesn't feel obligated .
I hope that things work out for you both .

It seems that your daughter is laying down new boundaries. You don’t have to be constantly in touch with someone to know you love them. Perhaps she knows she is too reliant on you and wants to find herself. You love each other that’s the most important thing. Relax and trust her …

I get the WhatsApp thing.....I check when my Mum and 3 AC were last on every night before I go to bed....I like to feel everyone is safe

Your partner is displaying some weird flags - maube your dd sees them and you dont?

Ffoxglove

I said re wassap when we were 4000 miles away in liked the fact I could see when she was last online, I know she was ok (without me messaging)
Only that, so I feel it's turned off to punish me caring, that's how it feels

Not to punish, but to keep privacy.

I’d turn it off too if I knew someone was tracking me with it.

I’m sorry you are hurting, but try to give your daughter her space

"I just asked if she'd reported it to bar staff I know she can look she's herself but"

So she talked to you about an experience she went through

Did she ask for advice or feedback?
If not, your comment may be interpreted as questioning her decisions

I do understand I really do my life felt totally destroyed a couple of months ago. I took it out on my wonderful husband
I used him like a mental punch bag. It was either that or I would have ended up with a mental collapse myself.
You need to talk to someone about it to get it off your chest.
My best friend and her husband helped me cope and talk about it as they went through similar themselves.
I do think you need any distraction I recommend this site some of the threads are hilarious when you are feeling down. I would be crying in despair one minute and visit this site to be LOL another!

Ah, that's good then.
One less worry, and I would have thought he would say if he saw it as too close.

He understands what we went through to some degree, understands why we are close.
He doesn't see there's a problem.

I'm not saying you have, or that this is the issue, but it may be worth thinking about.
What does your partner say about it?

MissAdventure

Sometimes worry can spill over into controlling behaviour.
Nobody is forbidden to do something, and sometimes neither party recognises it, but they are acutely aware that somebody is constantly worrying about them, and it's stifling.

I'm really sad and sorry if I've caused this...

Expecting a certain behaviour from anybody just because what you did for them is a recipe for disaster

Sometimes worry can spill over into controlling behaviour.
Nobody is forbidden to do something, and sometimes neither party recognises it, but they are acutely aware that somebody is constantly worrying about them, and it's stifling.

I think I'm just hurt by her actions because I'm not used to this behavior.
Honestly, I've given her so much and given up so much for her, I'm struggling to understand her behavior and why she'd treat me like this

Callistemon21

^but it worries me^
Do we ever stop worrying about them?

Ha! No of course not.
I wished that was the case.

Maybe.. ...yes he did ask me, she seems happy with this. Well on the surface.
She has a she circle of friends and a full on life and job.

but it worries me
Do we ever stop worrying about them?