Insulted by only and oldest friend, what to do?

Enjoy your singing enjoy your new husband, your "Friend" sounds like a needy person to me and only wanted the friendship when she thought you were the same and needy. Now you are more confident and have a good life she is going out of her way to destroy it.

Luckygirl3

Well - pardon me, but stuff the good friend bit - she sounds poisonous.

You must not be put off singing - it is so very good for you in every way - sing, sing, sing and to hell with the gruesome friend.

Thank you Luckygirl3, I fully intend to sing my heart out!

Grammaretto

What surprises me is that you say she is your only and oldest friend, helped you through divorce and so on.
I don't see envy, but a claim on you - developed over many years. She has treated you like a sister.
Your new husband doesn't like her and perhaps you are now seeing her through his eyes?
Maybe she has always been like that? I mean inclined to tease and banter and flirt and it once amused you but no longer?
I would distance myself from her for a while and mix with more people. A choir is an excellent idea.

Years ago I went off an old friend when her new partner and my DH had nothing in common. Meetups were painful. I often think of her and wish her well but we are no longer in contact.

Interesting that you should say she has treated me like a sister, she never has a good word to say about her sister! I have met her a couple of times and she seems nice, quiet, looks after her family and grandchildren, content with her husband and doesn't gad about like my 'friend' as they are like us, don't have the money or the inclination!

I do think she has got worse in the last few years, and yes, maybe my husbands view has opened my eyes!

Spot on Lucky. Nobody needs a ‘friend’ like that.

Well - pardon me, but stuff the good friend bit - she sounds poisonous.

You must not be put off singing - it is so very good for you in every way - sing, sing, sing and to hell with the gruesome friend.

Have to agree with others, PrettyNancy please I really think it is time now to move on.
I think it is hard, but you could not phone, invite or text on anyway. I don't think I would offer a, reason of she did ask why, I would choose to ignore. No need to explain. Be busy if she phibes and you pick up, no time to talk.
Perhaps you may need to think about ways you could make new friendships. I'm sure all of us on here can make suggestions... Hugs. A tough one. But you will overcome this disappointment.

Sorry - no idea what happened there!( Incompetence probably)

I think that you have had a consistent message here -friends who upset you are not good friends. Sometimes, we persist with friendships which have outlived their time. A good friend and I were discussing a mutual acquaintance and how trying we find him. Her husband asked " If you met him today, would you want him as a friend?"We stopped, looked at each other and said "No". It's a question you might want to ask yourself about this lady. Good luck with making new friends.

I think that you have had a consistent message here - friends who upset you are not friends. Sometimes, we cling to friendships from the past, after it's run it's course. A longstanding pal and I were talking about a mutual acquaintance and how trying we find him. Her husband asked " If you met him today, would he be your friend?". We stopped in our tracks, looked at each other and said, together "No".
It's a good question to ask yourself about this lady. Good luck with making new friends.

What surprises me is that you say she is your only and oldest friend, helped you through divorce and so on.
I don't see envy, but a claim on you - developed over many years. She has treated you like a sister.
Your new husband doesn't like her and perhaps you are now seeing her through his eyes?
Maybe she has always been like that? I mean inclined to tease and banter and flirt and it once amused you but no longer?
I would distance myself from her for a while and mix with more people. A choir is an excellent idea.

Years ago I went off an old friend when her new partner and my DH had nothing in common. Meetups were painful. I often think of her and wish her well but we are no longer in contact.

MayBee70

I was chatting to one of my oldest friends on the phone the other day and she said something really nasty about my SIL. So I’ve decided not to phone her again. It isn’t the first time it’s happened. She never married or had children so I’ve made a point of phoning her throughout the pandemic. I seem to be losing all of my closest friends either through illness or Alzheimer’s and she is one of the few remaining friends I have that I have a shared history with. But her comment was uncalled for and I didn’t want to create an argument. I don’t understand people who say hurtful things and don’t even think about the pain they are causing. I know I’ve said things I regret afterwards and years later it still bothers me that I said something insensitive at the time. When I was a child I laughed at my mum’s singing and it made her cry and I’d give anything to turn the clock back!

Oh Maybee70 I feel like we are in the same boat! I hate arguments too. I feel exactly the same about saying something insensitive, it would worry me for years. {flowers}

I was chatting to one of my oldest friends on the phone the other day and she said something really nasty about my SIL. So I’ve decided not to phone her again. It isn’t the first time it’s happened. She never married or had children so I’ve made a point of phoning her throughout the pandemic. I seem to be losing all of my closest friends either through illness or Alzheimer’s and she is one of the few remaining friends I have that I have a shared history with. But her comment was uncalled for and I didn’t want to create an argument. I don’t understand people who say hurtful things and don’t even think about the pain they are causing. I know I’ve said things I regret afterwards and years later it still bothers me that I said something insensitive at the time. When I was a child I laughed at my mum’s singing and it made her cry and I’d give anything to turn the clock back!

There are many singing groups around that exist simply for pleasure and companionship irrespective of voice 'quality'. Have a look in your area. As for offloading your friend, which I think is a very good (but sad) idea, perhaps you could do this gradually but firmly by not being available for any of the future meetings SHE suggests. She will eventually get the message. Very difficult after all these years but, as someone else has said, this friendship seems to have run its course. I wish you the very best.

What Oopsa says. Absolutely!

You say you don’t like confrontation and in this case it would probably be both upsetting and a waste of time. Just keep those infrequent visits even more infrequent - you and your DH owe her nothing if she behaves like that.

And keep singing and an eye open for more ‘suitable’ friendships. ?

Don't give up on your singing - you enjoy it and that's all that matters. Just because someone has no financial worries doesn't guarantee happiness. She sees you going out and joining in things and happy with your husband and it sounds like she is jealous. I would back off for a while, make new friends with your singing and I think you will find she is not the "great" friend you think she is.

I would not even consider her a friend and let her go immediately… To knock your confidence like that and then hit on your husband,you can do without a friend like that..

I would end the friendship it seems to have run its course,you say she has no need to be jealous as they are pretty well off but that does not mean she is happy in her life does it ?

Have you thought of joining a choir so you can carry on with your love of singing.

I also think the friendship has run its course. I wouldn’t give her the benefit of the doubt as to her behaviour. I would ditch her before she cost me not only my confidence but my marriage.

Friends should build you up, not knock you down and innuendos to your husband is a definite no no.

I think she is jealous, you are obviously happy and for all her wealth she probably isn’t. Or, she was happy until she saw you with your husband!

I think your friendship has run its course.

So sad for you, but you don't need a friend like her. I hope you continue to sing and make new friends.

She is no friend imo.She could cause problems in the future for you and your husband regardless that he has no interest in her.
As for putting your singing down,that`s damn rude and totally out of order.
Think long and hard about having her in your life.

? Let her go…?

THANK YOU ALL....

for your responses, given me much to think about. As regards her comments to my husband, it comes in the form of 'innuendo' I am sure she will say its just a bit of fun, He doesn't find it funny and we are not straight-laced by any means! He kept quiet because he knows she is my only friend, and I understand that.

I had not thought of dementia, she is quite a bit younger than me and pretty sharp at other things, general knowledge, crosswords etc... but will bear it in mind.

Jealousy did briefly cross my mind, I am no oil painting but she has not been blessed with good looks, but they are financially way, way, better off than us, big house, constantly going away on really expensive holidays, cruises etc... whereas we are happy to stay local and we don't like flying anyway! I don't think there is much for her to be jealous of.

Fortunately she lives a fair distance away so visits are naturally infrequent, my husband can't stand her, and I think I continued the friendship as she has been such a good friend in the past (I suppose I feel a bit guilty because of that, disloyal in a way) I hate confrontation but I think I can't let her upset me like this. We both feel so sorry for her husband, such a nice man.

I agree with another poster about the onset of dementia it is a possibility that could explain your friends behaviour. You have been friends along time now and she knows the boundaries or she should do.
If it was me and I am assuming you do value your friendship I would have to tell her that you found her attitude insulting. I believe in tough love sometimes you have to tell it how it is for the message to get through. I have lifelong friends and I would never hesitate to speak from my heart to them and they equally are as comfortable with me.
I would tell her that you don’t appreciate the criticism and her behaviour is insulting. Regarding your husband he should man up and tell her he is not remotely interested in her as he is a loyal husband.
That should put a stop to what I think is the childish behaviour that she is displaying lately. Time will tell give her a break and you will see if she genuinely is a friend or not.

I can understand how your confidence has been dented but please don't stop singing! Apart from the other benefits it could lead to new friends. Well done on having the courage to perform, please see what happened as your friend's problem rather than yours.
I agree with others here in wondering if your friend has signs of dementia or another health issue. Perhaps reduce contact and avoid situations when she is alone with your husband and maybe gently ask her husband if he has noticed any changes in your friend? Also look out for ways to increase your friendship circle?