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Insulted by only and oldest friend, what to do?

(38 Posts)
PrettyNancy Sat 07-May-22 08:14:07

My only, and oldest (over 30 years) friend has really upset me. She came with her husband for a weekend. I did tell her beforehand that the weekend was all about music and dancing , she said "great! We are OK with that". I have not been singing for very long, and still get nervous.

My friend told me my singing was an embarrassment! This has really knocked my confidence. Then it transpires, through talking about it to my husband, that she has been making quite obvious sexual comments to him, and making him feel quite uncomfortable. We have a happy marriage of 5 years and he didn't like to say anything to me earlier because of her being my one and only friend, who did stick by me through my divorce and ups and downs. Now I feel she has really betrayed me and knocked my confidence so much I no longer want to sing. I think a bit of banter when the four of us are together is just a bit of fun, but when she singles my husband out (when he is in the kitchen alone, or in the garden) is not right. I don't know what to do and I don't know if I can forgive her. Do I need this 'friendship' ? Advice please, but be gentle, I am feeling a bit fragile!

Carenza123 Sat 07-May-22 08:20:39

No, if she really WAS a good friend of many years - then she has crossed the boundaries of friendship, she has been rude and puts you down regarding your singing and to top it off has disrespected you by making unwelcome suggestions to your husband. People change and I am afraid it’s time to let the friendship go. I am sure you can find new genuine friends who value your friendship through your singing and dancing.

CoffeeFirst Sat 07-May-22 08:24:27

She’s no friend if she insults you in this way. As for singling your husband out, again what good friend would do this.

Let her go immediately!

Harris27 Sat 07-May-22 08:26:12

I agree with carenza123 it’s time to let this friendship go.she’s obviously envious of your new life and I can bet your singing was lovely and she has just said this to upset you. Some friendships just run their time and I think this one has. Good luck with the future.

CoffeeFirst Sat 07-May-22 08:26:38

PrettyNancy, I meant to add; she sounds jealous of you too.

Froglady Sat 07-May-22 08:27:56

My initial reaction is that you do not need this person in your life - not only has she knocked your confidence as regards your singing, she has made approaches to your husband which has made him feel uncomfortable and when he is on his own. If these comments had been made when you're all together then it might be classed as banter, but not when she has done it when he's on his own. That strikes me as sinister and planned.
Then I see that she is your only friend and that you've known her a long time - but I still feel that you don't need this sort of behaviour from a 'friend'. I feel that if you say anything to her about her comments to your husband she will come back with excuses and saying things like 'can't you take a joke?) I think the friendship might survive if you don't have them to stay with you again or staying at their house - no way do you want situations when she can get your husband alone again. What does he think about all this?

Nanabanana1 Sat 07-May-22 08:29:10

Let her go and do carry on singing.
Don’t let her unwelcome remarks stop you doing something you enjoy.

Grannynannywanny Sat 07-May-22 08:32:20

If her inappropriate behaviour is new and completely out of character it would make me consider if she has an underlying problem. The onset of some types of dementia can result in loss of inhibitions, making inappropriate comments etc.

crazyH Sat 07-May-22 08:37:15

How rude and mean about your singing - and top of that, hitting on your husband. 😡- she belongs in the dust bin !

Froglady Sat 07-May-22 08:37:28

Are there any groups where you live that you can join and so gain some friends? As another person has said here hopefully you can find some people with your singing and dancing. Don't let this 'friend' stop you singing: I know the huge benefit that singing can give you and you need that and you enjoy singing. Keep that enjoyment and take your power back from this woman, don't let her destroy what you enjoy.

Liz46 Sat 07-May-22 08:38:34

Grannynannywanny

If her inappropriate behaviour is new and completely out of character it would make me consider if she has an underlying problem. The onset of some types of dementia can result in loss of inhibitions, making inappropriate comments etc.

That was my first thought too.

Yoginimeisje Sat 07-May-22 08:44:10

Grannynannywanny

If her inappropriate behaviour is new and completely out of character it would make me consider if she has an underlying problem. The onset of some types of dementia can result in loss of inhibitions, making inappropriate comments etc.

Yes could be that.

MargotLedbetter Sat 07-May-22 08:58:09

Can you give some context to help me figure out what's going on here? Were you singing in a choir or performing in a musical or did you just get up during a pub karaoke session and belt out a classic? I sing in a choir and I'm not the greatest singer, but no one would be able to separate my voice out from the others. So I'm wondering what was going on.

My first thought is that if this behaviour is so out of character she may be unwell. Could it be a urinary infection or the loss of inhibition caused by dementia or some other neurological condition? Can you have a quiet word with her husband and ask him if he can shed any light?

Otherwise I suppose there's the possibility that she had a sudden fit of jealousy, seeing you performing and happy with your new husband, and couldn't stop herself from behaving hurtfully. In which case I would want to ask her whether she's okay, because usually only people who are very unhappy behave like this.

Nacky Sat 07-May-22 08:58:53

I can understand how your confidence has been dented but please don't stop singing! Apart from the other benefits it could lead to new friends. Well done on having the courage to perform, please see what happened as your friend's problem rather than yours.
I agree with others here in wondering if your friend has signs of dementia or another health issue. Perhaps reduce contact and avoid situations when she is alone with your husband and maybe gently ask her husband if he has noticed any changes in your friend? Also look out for ways to increase your friendship circle?

Redhead56 Sat 07-May-22 09:07:10

I agree with another poster about the onset of dementia it is a possibility that could explain your friends behaviour. You have been friends along time now and she knows the boundaries or she should do.
If it was me and I am assuming you do value your friendship I would have to tell her that you found her attitude insulting. I believe in tough love sometimes you have to tell it how it is for the message to get through. I have lifelong friends and I would never hesitate to speak from my heart to them and they equally are as comfortable with me.
I would tell her that you don’t appreciate the criticism and her behaviour is insulting. Regarding your husband he should man up and tell her he is not remotely interested in her as he is a loyal husband.
That should put a stop to what I think is the childish behaviour that she is displaying lately. Time will tell give her a break and you will see if she genuinely is a friend or not.

PrettyNancy Sat 07-May-22 09:46:13

THANK YOU ALL....

for your responses, given me much to think about. As regards her comments to my husband, it comes in the form of 'innuendo' I am sure she will say its just a bit of fun, He doesn't find it funny and we are not straight-laced by any means! He kept quiet because he knows she is my only friend, and I understand that.

I had not thought of dementia, she is quite a bit younger than me and pretty sharp at other things, general knowledge, crosswords etc... but will bear it in mind.

Jealousy did briefly cross my mind, I am no oil painting but she has not been blessed with good looks, but they are financially way, way, better off than us, big house, constantly going away on really expensive holidays, cruises etc... whereas we are happy to stay local and we don't like flying anyway! I don't think there is much for her to be jealous of.

Fortunately she lives a fair distance away so visits are naturally infrequent, my husband can't stand her, and I think I continued the friendship as she has been such a good friend in the past (I suppose I feel a bit guilty because of that, disloyal in a way) I hate confrontation but I think I can't let her upset me like this. We both feel so sorry for her husband, such a nice man.

MawtheMerrier Sat 07-May-22 09:56:11

🎶 Let her go…🎶

timetogo2016 Sat 07-May-22 10:08:15

She is no friend imo.She could cause problems in the future for you and your husband regardless that he has no interest in her.
As for putting your singing down,that`s damn rude and totally out of order.
Think long and hard about having her in your life.

henetha Sat 07-May-22 10:29:35

So sad for you, but you don't need a friend like her. I hope you continue to sing and make new friends.

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 07-May-22 10:34:43

Friends should build you up, not knock you down and innuendos to your husband is a definite no no.

I think she is jealous, you are obviously happy and for all her wealth she probably isn’t. Or, she was happy until she saw you with your husband!

I think your friendship has run its course.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 07-May-22 10:42:50

I also think the friendship has run its course. I wouldn’t give her the benefit of the doubt as to her behaviour. I would ditch her before she cost me not only my confidence but my marriage.

glammanana Sat 07-May-22 10:56:34

I would end the friendship it seems to have run its course,you say she has no need to be jealous as they are pretty well off but that does not mean she is happy in her life does it ?

Have you thought of joining a choir so you can carry on with your love of singing.

Shinamae Sat 07-May-22 11:00:56

I would not even consider her a friend and let her go immediately… To knock your confidence like that and then hit on your husband,you can do without a friend like that..

Oldwoman70 Sat 07-May-22 11:24:46

Don't give up on your singing - you enjoy it and that's all that matters. Just because someone has no financial worries doesn't guarantee happiness. She sees you going out and joining in things and happy with your husband and it sounds like she is jealous. I would back off for a while, make new friends with your singing and I think you will find she is not the "great" friend you think she is.

Grandmafrench Sat 07-May-22 11:39:01

What Oopsa says. Absolutely!

You say you don’t like confrontation and in this case it would probably be both upsetting and a waste of time. Just keep those infrequent visits even more infrequent - you and your DH owe her nothing if she behaves like that.

And keep singing and an eye open for more ‘suitable’ friendships. 🤞