How to let go of my adult children

I'm glad you have realised that your behaviour is not normal and that you will seek counselling Go out and get yourself a life

I send my children texts every so often- just to ask how they and their families are - sometimes I may need their help with phones or the internet/computer etc - or medical problems ? (2 are doctors) might ring them now and again. 2 of them live in London and the other in Wiltshire - we are in Hertfordshire. We try to see them every few weeks I suppose - but not always possible- they are all very busy - but so are we- U3A is a good organisation to belong to - lots of interest groups - self generated- eg book clubs, play reading, family history, crafts, walking, singing, art appreciation, theatre visits, local history - there should be one in your area, this2willpass- maybe think about joining a class of some sort - Pilates, aerobics, Zumba, or take up golf? I was lucky to have been working full time when my children scarpered so didn’t really notice the gap left behind 2 of them bounced back unintentionally but soon went off again - then my father decided to move in when my mother died - so the house still seemed full. Do try to find lots to interest you - ask friends to meet for lunch, or host a Macmillan tea and cake party - maybe volunteer in a charity shop or a food bank - you will start to feel better when you fill your own time - lots of luck - let us know how you get on ??

My tongue has holes from having to bite it so much!?

I had to remind my mother that my sister and I were old age pensioners, so really fairly capable!

I think I one of my sons would like to phone me every day if I could stand it. I live alone which I think inspires the thought. However, his latest ploy is to involve me in a daily contest of Wordle. Strictly by text. I rather enjoy the competitive element of this with him and he gets his daily 'fix'. The other one's calls are akin to annually!! Do not believe for one moment that one loves me a jot more than the other. Very interesting to me how different they are -and always have been - although reared identically. Lovely........

My mother insisted on phoning me every evening after she and my father retired. At that time, I was approaching forty, had been living on my own for over 20 years and found it incredibly annoying being reduced to what felt like teenage status again.

I tried hinting that I was busy in the evenings, and tried not anwering the phone. She never took the hints. At last I just uncounectd the phone and said the next time she phoned that I hadn't heard it.

Please, do not continue as you are. Accept that you have done such a good job bringing up your children that they can manage perfectly well on their own now. I am sure they will be in touch if they need or want to speak to you.

Start going out again now that this is possible; invite friends, do anything rather than just waiting for the phone to ring.

Just imagine how they feel if they look at their phone and possibly think oh no, it’s her again! That’s my worst fear in my relationship with my children. Much as I loved my mother I never thought her life was relevant to mine, luckily she never interfered and I loved her all the more for it. She was just always there when I needed her.

When I chat to my AC's about any of their concerns I offer a little bit of advice, then leave them to it. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. I think we help each other, which is how we think it should be.

I don’t think you have issues. You just love your children. When mine left home 20 years ago I felt as if I had died inside. It’s hard to stand back but it does get easier. You will never lose them.

I only hear from my 2 daughters when needed, mostly for money, the last time I saw them one who lives 10 mins away, and the other an hour away, was last August when I payed for a holiday, they are 56 and 58. I do get texts, emails, and sometimes phone calls, but visits, no too much trouble.
Sorry if I sound a sorry old biddy, but it does hurt, and I am not one for joining clubs, so am quite lonely.

Thank you all for responding. I really do appreciate it. Am really going to address my issues.

I always found it very difficult when I could envisage they were making a mistake, but having brought mine up to be strong individuals I have to respect their decisions.
Have just made sure I am there if they ever need a moan, a cry or to come back home to get some breathing space when things have gone wrong.
All mine have done better with their lives than I ever did or will do.
Not sure if this makes me sound bad but time mine reached mid 20's I was happy to wave them goodbye.
Some times we hear from more than 1 in a day, other weeks we hear from nobody. I have my life they have theirs. Rarely hear from the men.

Hithere

Generally speaking, an adult child knows what it is best for him/her

When parents of AC say "I want what is best for my kids" may translate as " I want what gives me peace of mind regardless of what my AC want for themselves"

this.

The way to do it is to do it. And do it you must if you want to keep your close relationship.

timetogo2016

I let go when they became 18yo.
We`ve always been very close and maybe letting go at that age helped,were here for eachother and we all know that.

Exactly what I did, they went off to University or to work and did not come back to live permanently with me. I consider that I have done my job as a mother to make them independent and secure adults ready to start their own paths through life.

Up until the first lockdown, we did not speak regularly on the phone, all of us led busy lives, but we got together regularly for birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day etc and I could always rely on them if I needed help with something in the house.

Then when the lockdown began and we all stayed at home, it was decided to set up a family WhatsApp group so we could touch base every day - I had mentioned that if I became ill overnight or had a stroke, it might be days before I was missed, so now I have to give a very brief “morning” message every day! I find it quite reassuring especially after my TIA last year.

My children do phone more often at the moment to check up on me since my mum died two weeks ago but I expect that will tale off in a while as they are both busy with new jobs and moving house. That’s as it should be in my book.

I've 2 close friends with big families of adult children and they're both still running part of their childrens' lives. They talk to some of the children once a day at least - one friend was worried her 36 year old hadn't been in touch for 3 days. Our DD is 38 & lives 3 hours from us, we usually speak once a week unless it's something important & we have a family WhatsApp group for photos. DS lives 2 miles away. He's away working for several months at a time we might hear once every couple of weeks. If he's home on leave, sometimes we see him quite a bit & sometimes not- usually depends on whether he needs the children looking after. We look after them regularly when he's away. We don't interfere in either child's life, they're old enough to get on by themselves after all. I think the fact they were both at boarding school make them less dependent on us. We are of course invited to comment occasionally which is nice although DS is having an extension built but we were shown the plans rather than asked to comment objectively. I wouldn't like them to feel we were interfering which I'm sure can happen.

I think there’s nothing wrong with suggestions here and there as long as they are only suggestions.
I usually say
Well maybe you could do …
Or if it were me, I’d probably ….
And then I drop it like a hot jacket potato before I over step, especially if my daughters are hormonal. Then I try to keep my big trap shut as I’m a baby penguin in shark infested waters ??

I wasn’t a very good mother largely because of my own upbringing and I thought my 3 would be glad to be rid of me. I brought them up to be independent and they are. However, they now take a lot of trouble to make sure I’m ok so the boot is on the other foot!

I have just had to do that with my son - literally. He flew out to Australia the weekend before last.
His method to stop me "interfering" is to just not tell me anything until the last minute !
I only got told he was going "in May" at Easter and the actual date of his flight, 3 weeks before!
It's hard but you just have to bite your tongue and not give your opinion unless it's asked for!

When someone is an adult they make their own decisions in life. Unless they ask for advise it is simple...you keep your mouth shut. Giving birth to someone does not give you the right to run their lives forever. If you brought them up well they will be fine....

What I made of my life was from my own determination to get what I wanted. This took no time in finding out as neither of my parents had any ambitions for me.
I was to recognise myself in my youngest child and gave free rein.This has to be so far my most rewarding achievement.

I hear from my kids every day one way or another. I’m very lucky having lots of social events and holidays with them
I try not to judge them or interfere but offer advice when asked. I am very lucky for the closeness we have. Time is the most important thing you can give someone. I try to speak to my elderly mother every day.

My 'children' are 34 and 35, they occasionally ask for advice, I give it or I see them about to do something silly (especially my son) - he has a habit of thinking because he expects to get something, win something etc he will; and doesn't have a back up plan. In this case I say...Or- what's the back-up? He umms, as etc then calls a few days later to tell me he decided he needed another approach 'just in case'! Oh good, well done! We go on like that ;)

Oh bless your heart. It's sooo hard isn't it to let go. We love them sooo much. I really do understand. I don't have any answers really, except that I try to just take myself back to being their age and how I felt sooo grown up and would never have welcomed anyone telling me/advising me what to do! Just as parents have had to do for years, we have to let them live and learn and try our best to only give advice if and when asked what we think and even then I will say, do you really want my honest opinion!!!
I sometimes think it's tougher, certainly emotionally. to parent adult children than when they were tiny! Sending much understanding and a hug x

I let go when they became 18yo.
We`ve always been very close and maybe letting go at that age helped,were here for eachother and we all know that.

Firstly, you are not alone, we give birth to them, we nurure them, we protect them, and discipline them. We spend many years being their confident and adviser, it's hard to let go.

Secondly, have your children complained about your 'interfering'? Perhaps your perception is different to theirs, and maybe they welcome your assistance?

Finally if you are struggling to step back, and it's becoming a problem, why not try CBT counselling? And perhaps join some groups that you could focus your energy on?