How to let go of my adult children

Oh no, my AC are much younger than yours and I too have anxiety (which you mentiomed in your previous post).

If I messaged them every day they would probably answer but thats not healthy for them or me.

I don't belong in every aspect of their lives. I dont belong on their nights out, their nights in, their decisions, their relationships etc

As much as i would love to hear from them every day, they are adults and I shouldn't be on their minds or in their space every day.

You really need to seek help for your anxiety because eventually they will grow to resent their lack of privacy and your neediness.

OP

I am estranged from my parents because they could not back off and stop judging me, despite my telling them it was hurting our relationship

Decades of chances for them to change and acknowledge me as an able fully functioning adult did nothing

10 years of estrangement - still say "I just worry about you, my only issue is in love you too much, what did we do wrong that you dont talk to us? "

They do not and have never met my kids - they never will - I dont need their negative toxic influence damage their self esteem and body image

Please do not let this same outcome happen to you

OP, that is excessive. you will drive them away if you continue. tty to give yourself a good talking to.
if she is old enough to buy a house, she must be old enough to read plans, consider location, facilities etc.
it's not you buying that house. tell yourself that.
if you really can't stop, have you considered counselling ?

This2willpass

Daughter is looking to buy a house and I can’t help obsessing over where is the nearest shop, school, layout of the house etc etc. and stating this. I need to stop this but can’t.

Oh my, that isn’t healthy. You’re infantilising your daughter and sending a message that you don’t trust her judgement.

You need to channel your activities in another direction. I’m sure there would be voluntary services who could give you an outlet or a paid job, if it’s a possibility.

Daughter is looking to buy a house and I can’t help obsessing over where is the nearest shop, school, layout of the house etc etc. and stating this. I need to stop this but can’t.

This is almost as though you're saying that your daughter is too stupid or unintelligent to think of these things for herself. Surely you raised her to be able to work out for herself what shops and schools she needs to be near? And if she's old enough to be buying a house, don't you think she'd have accumulated enough common sense to be able to know what the layout of that would need to be? Back off This2 and let them manage their own lives before they get fed up of being micro managed and distance themselves.

OP

This post and your other one hoping your 1st gc will fix your anxiety is a huge red flag

Run to a therapist today.
Your obsession with your AC is not healthy and you know it.

This2willpass

Daughter is looking to buy a house and I can’t help obsessing over where is the nearest shop, school, layout of the house etc etc. and stating this. I need to stop this but can’t.

You really do have to stop This2willpass, it’s really not your business, and you’ll drive your children away if you keep interfering, which is how they will perceive what you’re doing. Imagine your own mother doing it to you and how you’d feel. Can you have your own project, perhaps to get your house exactly how you want it, or develop one of your hobbies further to take your mind off your children’s affairs?

From birth I welcomed every step my children took towards independence, from sitting up unaided, to feeding themselves, to not needing babysitters.

I am fortunate that both mine grew up very sensible adults, and a part from a few teenage incidents, I have never felt any need to interfere or give them Good Advice.

My motto has always been that the less you interfere and constantly try to be in your children's lives, the closer you stay. We are in contact weekly and all are on Facebook and we recently had a very happy week, all 7 of us sharing a cabin cruiser on the Norfolk Broads.

Our children do talk things over with us, about things where they respect our judgement, but all of us have busy lives, including DH and I, but we all know that we can turn to each other in a crisis.

Daughter is looking to buy a house and I can’t help obsessing over where is the nearest shop, school, layout of the house etc etc. and stating this. I need to stop this but can’t.

Generally speaking, an adult child knows what it is best for him/her

When parents of AC say "I want what is best for my kids" may translate as " I want what gives me peace of mind regardless of what my AC want for themselves"

I see or hear from my two daily ,because they want to see us .I haven't tried to tell them how to run their lives since they were in their mid teens .
I left school at 15 against my parents advice ,well threats really .I knew what I wanted to do and exams weren't in my plans.Despite their complaints and pessimism I did just fine.Had my own business at 21.
I knew my kids would be OK without a helicopter parent ad luckily my OH is of the same view .
IF they ask ,,and its usually about a dress suiting one or a car being economical with the other we discuss it.Then they make their own choice and thats how I like it.
Of course we are always available if they really need us but we know we are appreciated

We do it because we care and want the best for them.
I know that both my AC are extreme savvy but at times I do add my two penneth worth, what they do with my two penneth worth is up to them I mean my mum and dad gave me their two penneth worth and I didn't always listen, thought I knew it ALL and of course I didn't, as nobody does.

This2willpass

Thanks for all tesponses. Find it so hard when I don’t hear from them on a daily basis. They r 32 and 35.

Heavens! Really? Having my mother constantly chasing after me would have driven me mad.

I do find myself a bit like Miss Marple sometimes, as of course when you get to my age most problems have come up before.
Nowadays I find I am more required to just listen to various things that have happened or are going to happen and say something along the lines of "I think you did the right thing" this seems to be a satisfactory response. As they all have teenage children I can't resist occasionally pointing out that they did the things their children are doing now.I am not sure I could give advice anyway they seem to live on a different planet.

You don’t say if your “children are married, in a partnership or parents.
My children would not have thanked me if I had expected to hear a daily bulletin even at age 22 or 25!
Frankly I would find it claustrophobic, maybe it’s time to cut the apron strings.
Your adult children are well mature enough to make their own decisions.
Please don’t risk your relationship with uninvited advice.

I rarely hear from my son, in his mid forties, married with two young adult children. I might get a text about every three weeks. I am always welcomed when I visit ( by arrangement). They lead busy lives and I am not part of them on a daily basis, which is absolutely fine. I am more in touch with my daughter, most days we text, but at busy times it can be up to a week. We all get on well.
You need to fill your own life with interests, hobbies, friends, or work?

OP

You need professional help to let go
Find hobbies, activities, anything that takes your mind of micromanaging your AC

I dont say it in a bad way - your expectations are too high on full grown adults (a daily call is too much)

You can still do something about it and avoid possible damage to your relationship

You need to find things to fill your tme. Make a life for you.
Then if they drop you a message you can stop and reply.
They really do not need to be supervised.
Probably not for the past 15 years or more.
Step back and let them come to you.
Interference leads to division and separation.
Be warned!

Thanks for all tesponses. Find it so hard when I don’t hear from them on a daily basis. They r 32 and 35.

I might say to my daughter “ have you thought of such and such?” And the answer is usually “ Yes, of course!” No advice needed unless asked for.

I never give advice to them. I've made enough mistakes of my own, I don't want to be responsible for theirs as well!!!

I think I get more advice from my children (especially about tech matters) nowadays than they get from me! I’ve never been a great one for giving advice anyway. I think, if asked, it’s better to give people information and let them decide what’s best.

If I tried to advise my daughter or tell her what to do, I would be told in no uncertain terms to mind my own business.

It is hard isn't it? When I feel a bit of advice coming on, I remember how irritated I used to be when my late DM gave me hers.

Ps and remember that even if they ask for advice they don't always want it.