Children identifying as non binary can lead to tricky situations

So many adults, in real life as well as on GN, seem obsessed with following 'the rules' and trying to make others do so too.
It's quite depressing.

Non-binary is, of course, real as a way of saying you don't follow current sex-based stereotypes.

Non-binary is not real as a way of saying that you have no sex at all because that would be untrue.

grandtanteJE65
^ There is no way this can be sorted out to everyone's satisfaction.^
Exactly!
As is quite obvious from posts on here.

If they don’t want to wear a ‘bridesmaid’s’ dress, I gather no one is making them do so.
If they are invited, and attend they will still be part of the occasion, even if they choose to wear jeans and a T-shirt, just not a bridesmaid.
I really hope all this “who’s right” discussion is confined to GN. If it isn’t, I feel for the bride.

I agree.
As should the wishes of the bride, who, hopefully, can accommodate so that everyone is happy and comfortable on the day.

Anybody can change his/her mind anytime

It doesnt make the current choice any less valid and must be respected

Some change their minds.

She might grow out of it? Really? As if it is a game?

This is the attitude I cannot stand - child are smarter than we give them credit for

What about a type of unisex tunic in the bridesmaids chosen fabric or colour? didigram
Laying down the law about ‘uniforms’ or conformity won’t work or may harden her position as a young person. Leave her be and she might grow out of it.

Your nieces wishes IMO need to be treated with understanding. If she's feeling anxious and uncomfortable at the prospect of wearing a dress, then surely it would be better all round if, as others have suggested she isn't a bridesmaid.

Even if another job/role can't be found, at least she'll feel comfortable and will be able to enjoy the day.

Rafichagran, I genuinely under your feelings, on the face if it I agree! However - when you say " the girl can call herself non binary if she wants" tells me you think it all all load of tosh! !
Believe me when I say this situation deserves tremendous compassion, they may not be bothered about being a bridesmaid , they simply don't want to wear a dress- is that so shocking? I use the pronoun ' they out of respect. If this 13year old is non binary then there is a very long road ahead and huge adjustments to be made - that is very very hard indeed for the family. This situation must not be taken lightly!! It is massive. Have you considered that this child is desperately wanting to send a message to family and friends.
A wedding is a serious commitment and that is what matters . This child may be non binary / or not, but just now they need huge understanding. If they are NB , I really do know how hard it is to adjust to that. What happens now to this child may well affect how they manage their lives in the future. I apologize if I appear harsh but as you will have discovered from my previous posts I feel strongly about this.

There is no way this can be sorted out to everyone's satisfaction.

Let the bride deal with it - it is her wedding after all.

If she is paying for the bridesmaids' dresses, then they wear what she chooses, or say no thank you to the honour of being a bridesmaid.

Or in the interest of peace, the bride can let them wear whatever they want - I would drop bridesmaids, if I were her.

It really is beside the point that this 13 year old is identifying as non-binary, or whatever.

Please do not get involved in this discussion - it will only escalate all the quicker into a full-blown family row if you do.

According to the OP the 13 year old SEEMS to be identifying as non- binary. Is this her assumption? Or the teenager’s? Or whose?

I hope we get to hear how this works out, hopefully to everyone’s satisfaction.

didigram - respect works in both directions. This 13-year old is identifying as non-binary - therefore the correct pronoun when talking about them is they, not she.

Surely, the idea of guests at a celebration at a wedding is for them all to have good and happy memories of it - not being forced to 'dress-up' in a way that makes them uncomfortable and unhappy.

Let these youngsters wear what they feel good and comfortable in and, hopefully, enjoy themselves.

Has the bride actually discussed the issue with the putative bridesmaid, not her mother and her grandmother?

If I'd been asked, at 13, to wear a frilly dress, I'd have refused too. Still, I wouldn't have wanted to be a bridesmaid either. There's just too much pressure to conform - and I do hope the parents aren't joining in!

Gloria y
There are all sorts of variations in how ceremonies happen now why should anyone be fixated on a single word?
Fixated? All sorts of variations?
That’s true, so why object to the bride’s choice of ‘variation’?

And I think if a bride had people she cared for as bridesmaids surely she would want them to be happy and comfortable with how they look (although I understand sisters sometimes treat it as a competition and can fall out over it)

Mollygo

Since the word bridesmaid, however archaic that might be, does not mean a boy or even a ‘whatever I am on the day’ the simple answer is don’t be a bridesmaid.
Nowadays, a bridesmaid’s only role (unless you have an older one to support the bride) is to look pretty behind the bride and in the bridal party photos, they quite often wearing similar dresses.
I’m not sure a suit in the bridesmaid’s colours, depending on what they are would be any better, as that implies something equally binary.
The girl could wear whatever she is comfortable in and be an usher and just not walk down the aisle behind the bride, because that would focus attention on her rather than the bride and I’m sure she wouldn’t want that.
I wonder, if you take out the non-binary issue, and a potential bridesmaid said she didn’t want to wear the outfit the bride has chosen for her bridesmaids, what the response on here would be.
It’s not about being a bridezilla, to choose the outfits you’d like your ‘attendants’ to wear on your wedding day. My youngest brother wore a kilt because I asked him.

But thats just the traditional British wedding. In weddings in the USA Bridesmaids and Groomsmen walk down the aisle before the bride. There are all sorts of variations in how ceremonies happen now why should anyone be fixated on a single word?

I agree blondiescot

Mollygo

Since the word bridesmaid, however archaic that might be, does not mean a boy or even a ‘whatever I am on the day’ the simple answer is don’t be a bridesmaid.
Nowadays, a bridesmaid’s only role (unless you have an older one to support the bride) is to look pretty behind the bride and in the bridal party photos, they quite often wearing similar dresses.
I’m not sure a suit in the bridesmaid’s colours, depending on what they are would be any better, as that implies something equally binary.
The girl could wear whatever she is comfortable in and be an usher and just not walk down the aisle behind the bride, because that would focus attention on her rather than the bride and I’m sure she wouldn’t want that.
I wonder, if you take out the non-binary issue, and a potential bridesmaid said she didn’t want to wear the outfit the bride has chosen for her bridesmaids, what the response on here would be.
It’s not about being a bridezilla, to choose the outfits you’d like your ‘attendants’ to wear on your wedding day. My youngest brother wore a kilt because I asked him.

I'd like to think that if the bride is close enough to the young person to consider asking them to be part of the bridal party, she would also be caring and kind enough to at least take their feelings into consideration and reach a compromise which was acceptable to everyone.

As are lots of words which, regardless of their original meaning, become offensive if applied to women (or people in general). As I am sure you are well aware.

Rosie51

It most certainly isn't. It's a term coined by some and used to apply to others without their consent. A large number of women find 'cis' an offensive term and it would be polite not to use it, the same way TIM or TIF are generally not used because they offend transgender people. But if all are equal..... then trans identified male it is for all previously referred to as transwomen.

It's in the Cambridge dictionary.

Since the word bridesmaid, however archaic that might be, does not mean a boy or even a ‘whatever I am on the day’ the simple answer is don’t be a bridesmaid.
Nowadays, a bridesmaid’s only role (unless you have an older one to support the bride) is to look pretty behind the bride and in the bridal party photos, they quite often wearing similar dresses.
I’m not sure a suit in the bridesmaid’s colours, depending on what they are would be any better, as that implies something equally binary.
The girl could wear whatever she is comfortable in and be an usher and just not walk down the aisle behind the bride, because that would focus attention on her rather than the bride and I’m sure she wouldn’t want that.
I wonder, if you take out the non-binary issue, and a potential bridesmaid said she didn’t want to wear the outfit the bride has chosen for her bridesmaids, what the response on here would be.
It’s not about being a bridezilla, to choose the outfits you’d like your ‘attendants’ to wear on your wedding day. My youngest brother wore a kilt because I asked him.

Blondiescot

Rosie51

Shelflife as far as I'm aware we haven't been told what this teenager wants to wear, If for example the bridal colours are blue and this teenager wants to wear black, should the bride just acquiesce? If the teenager is uncomfortable with the requested 'uniform' then a polite, thanks but no thanks, is all that's required. Demanding that the bride change her parameters for one person is rather egocentric.

From the OP, it doesn't read as if this young person was 'demanding' anything, to be honest - just expressing the fact that they would feel uncomfortable and anxious. Many of us on this thread have expressed the view that it would be kind and considerate to take those feelings into consideration and come up with a compromise which would suit everyone.

No, sorry I was harsh there. Of course a compromise should be sought, but some are saying she should be able to wear whatever she wants. If she can offer a couple of ideas that she would be comfortable with, and either would 'fit in' without her standing out like a sore thumb then that would be ideal. If that can't be achieved then she should be found a role to play where her chosen outfit won't matter.

Rosie51

Shelflife as far as I'm aware we haven't been told what this teenager wants to wear, If for example the bridal colours are blue and this teenager wants to wear black, should the bride just acquiesce? If the teenager is uncomfortable with the requested 'uniform' then a polite, thanks but no thanks, is all that's required. Demanding that the bride change her parameters for one person is rather egocentric.

From the OP, it doesn't read as if this young person was 'demanding' anything, to be honest - just expressing the fact that they would feel uncomfortable and anxious. Many of us on this thread have expressed the view that it would be kind and considerate to take those feelings into consideration and come up with a compromise which would suit everyone.

"Children identifying as non binary can lead to tricky situations"

The title makes me cringe - why do adults end up blaming kids when those adults are behaving like kids?
So sad