I’m 67 with an angry husband

Very well done , Sue and God Bless .

That is a brave decision, Sue110 and I really wish you all the best. In a few years, you'll be sitting wondering how you ever put up with such behaviour. I look at the younger me and can't believe that I was that woman putting up with such awful behaviour.
Onwards and upwards, you undoubtedly have the entire support of GN who will be rooting for you when times are a bit wobbly.

I had a boyfriend like this, Sue. And I wish I had left him long before I did.

Well done Sue.
I wish you well with your new life.

Well done Sue.

Hello lovely lady❤️. It could almost have been me writing your reply to my original post & my heart goes out to you. The longest ‘silent’ treatment he’s given me went on for just over a week… that was Xmas 2020. Since then, and for my own sanity, I’ve been secretly logging all the bad things he’s done or said… when I looked back over my diary entries yesterday, some of the entries were almost unbelievable to me. So, I LEFT HIM YESTERDAY, I’m staying at my sons for a few days,.. I have 3 sons & they’re being so supportive. I’m seeing a solicitor this week.
Be brave, gather your important bits & bobs & go & stay with someone you trust. Do what I started doing a while back, start logging your memories of his weirdness, what he’s done to you, what he’s said, how he made you feel etc. I use a diary app on my iPad… you can lock it with a passcode. Seeing the abuse written down really helped me. Be strong… we’ve waited too long, because we were scared but enough, we deserve better. Sending love ❤️

I had the same thing but worse with my first marriage but there was violence on his part as well. I was a battered wife. It started off with him being controlling and it got worse. I went along and saw a solicitor who said that I was entitled to half of everything. We had been, sadly married for a lot of years. I planned it all in my head and never mentioned a thing to him. One day I just up and left, went along to the banks and took half of the money and then went to a solicitors and got the ball rolling. I walked away and I am still alive! He would have killed me if I had still been there. Never think that it is ok because it isnt. Get out and live your life - you deserve it. Our parents didnt have us so that others could make our lives a misery or their slaves. Good luck!

Nellbell5, don't tell him. that's a mistake, to think you owe him an explanation. just get out. see a solicitor and let all communication be through her.

Constant cycle of being ignored for unknown reasons for weeks on end to the be told its either all my fault or its in my head and I'm 'puddled'.

Gaslighting at its finest, Nellpell. It is controlling behaviour and a tactic used by narcissists. I would suggest you visit you local housing department or Citizens Advice and ask them what the option are for housing. They may not be able to house you but there are ways they can help you with a deposit if you can't raise one yourself to rent privately. They can help you with the benefits system to help you pay your rent, etc. You may not be living the high life but just living without being at the mercy of another person's controlling behaviour will be a richer life.

You are still young so get the hell out of there! He is abusive and please do not make excuses up for him. You only have one life and stop wasting it on him. Living on your own will be much better than this. Good luck!

Sorry to jump on but just want to say that this thread is convincing me I am thinking of doing the right thing I'm virtually the same age as Sue, married 30+ yrs. Slightly different 'DH' issue - feels like mental / emotional abuse. Constant cycle of being ignored for unknown reasons for weeks on end to the be told its either all my fault or its in my head and I'm 'puddled'. Latest episode of being cold shoukdered started new years day 2022 and still continuing. No idea why and he won't say. During this latest bout, I have retired which has really highlighted that I'm just existing, not living and that all I seem to be is his cook. He even ignored the fact that I retired and hasn't acknowledged it in any way. I have asked myself do I want to carry on feeling dead inside and a nothing for what could be another 20yrs. So I've started quietly having a massive clear out of clothes etc, looking at getting some free solicitor advice as a starting point, looked into putting what few possessions / paperwork I want / need to keep into a rental storage place so its all out of the house by the time I leave. I could stay at a relative's but although that situation is far from suitable, it's my only option due to finances. I keep thinking I'm getting it all sorted then have a big wobble about how do I tell him I'm leaving so then think that it's easier to stay which I know would be the wrong move long term. I don't think it's fair for my situation, to do a dear John letter. I just wish and hope that I find the courage to walk away. Thank you for listening

I am sorry you are going through this but going to see a solicitor is a good first step. Use your time to get financial documents copied so that you have them when you have to file for divorce. It is a good idea if you can leave important documents somewhere they are secure so if you find yourself leaving in a hurry, you can access them. If you have a joint account don't forget you can get a bank to freeze the accounts the moment you leave. Try to put money to one side whilst you get your ducks in a row so you have an escape fund.
If you are ever scared that you are going to get hurt, the police are much better trained these days about coercive control.
My ex husband was abusive sometimes and charming at others. When he was being nice I found it difficult to leave but the feeling of walking on a knife edge left me in a perpetual stage of anxiety. The feeling of relief, even being in the early stages of pregnancy and homeless with a small child, was immense when I finally left. Of course there were problems to overcome but none as bad as waiting for the next explosion.

Sue110 As someone commented you posted a similar thread a year ago, and it is clear that in the ensuing year nothing has happened. I do appreciate it takes time to grit your teeth and actually do what is necessary, but life is finite and every day you spend with this man, shortens the time you have left to be safe and happy.

Do you want to reach the end of your life, still living with him, still suffering under his abuse and wishing you had done something about it when you still had decades of life ahead of you, instead of wasting so much of your life thinking about it or unwilling to act.

You have had a year to think about what you do. Each thread has been supportive and many have told how they have made the escape you are thinking of but not acting on, and how much happier they are now.

All of us are here to give you moral courage and support you during your flight from your bondage, but nobody can do it for you . It is in your hands, and only your hands and only you can make that first move, so please, for your own sake, just GO!

Good luck get your finances in order and important documents like my friend did her life was so much happier. She got out in the middle of the night while he slept. He was abusive but nice to everyone except her life started for her when she left

Sue110,

Please leave him and go and enjoy your life x

Pm sent

Put your finances in order and somewhere to live he won't change but you can still find peace and happiness it's stressful to leave but not as stressful as the thought of living a miserable existence for the foreseeable future

Hithere

How can he be caring when he is abusive?

Divorce

Is he showing a caring side in front of others ? then being controlling when you are at home alone.
You know what you need to do and if it where me I would be making arrangements quietly to remove myself from the equation asap.
If you have a joint bank account open up one of your own and get any salary paid into that get any pension information you can and keep safely with your passport/house details etc.
He will not change do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man like this I'm sure you don't speak to Womens Aid they can help you enormously directing you to the right departments.
Go forward and enjoy your life as you deserve with out this bully.

You could be describing the relationship my mother and father had SUE110....My dad did all those things and in the end ground my mum down...If I said anything about it to my mum she would ask me to leave things be...I know she suffered when I did challenge him...Mum died first and my dad carried on as normal....My sister and I really struggled with the way he treated our wee mum...After one conversation ge told me he never loved mum and thought she held him back...I wish he would have been man enough to tell her this and let her go when they were younger....Hes gone now as well but family are let with all these horrid memories....Never would I put up with a man like this. I'd rather be alone and content..

I agree with M0nica - just get out asap! There's no time to waste with planning, organising etc. - go!

Pm sent

MerylStreep

Sue110
You posted about this situation over a year ago, I’m assuming nothing’s changed ?

No need to be critical. These situations are never easy and it takes people a while to get the confidence to leave.

Hi Sue -

I read your post with incredible sadness and sympathy .

Like the other gransnetters I don't think that he's caring he is an ABUSER and you are ABUSED .

He obviously is deeply insecure and unhappy and takes out his frustration on you .
What's next?
Being pushed ,kicked and hit ?
You've been walking on eggshells for 17 years .
Living in fear of upsetting someone is horrendous .

Take the good advice being offered here and go before you end up being a statistic .

Thanks for coming back Sue much clearer now if it’s been going on for 17 years and there’s no children involved I d say you ve made the right decision
Yes I ve been there is never an easy decision to make as you always remember the good times or the nice things they ve done but it sounds like you ve decided enough is enough
So the advise you ve already been given is all good nothing really to add except please please remember it won’t be clean you will be cajoled, promised, and ‘adored’ because no one walks away from a controller I was told the only way I d go is in a box however he cried like a puppy when I actually went
A controller is often someone who feels their own life is out of control so they project that on others but that’s a different story and he will need to sort himself out to gain an understanding of why he is how he …….but he won’t
Good luck x

SkyBird suggested that your husband might make out that he's the victim and try to win over your friends and relatives.

Don't let the thought of that put you off what you have to do. People who really care about you will stick with you, the others you can do without.

Go and make a happy new life and new friends.