I’m 67 with an angry husband

Nell... you are worth it!
Don't ever let anyone... ANYONE... ever tell you anything different...

Fleur20 - I'm humbled that you took time to try to keep a track of me. I've not had any form of kindness from H for years so to know that a lovely unknown person has shown kindness and others have shown concern has been really touching. Thank you everyone.

I had a brief relationship with a BF like this back in my early 30s. We went to a country pub where he remarked upon an attractive girl who was in a group. Not to be outdone I also remarked upon a handsome Asian looking guy whowas with her.

Bad move.

Later when I went to the loo there was a queue and he accused me of trying to get off with this guy - who was no-where to be seen. He and his friends had probably long since left the pub. The next day I sent him a letter breaking off the relationship and suggesting he needed professional help. After that he began to stalk me and I had to get a solicitor involved. This was long before stalking was officially a crime.

The guy later took his own life because another women had finished with him. He was deeply disturbed and I was lucky to get out of the relationship while I could.

GO RUN and don’t look back! I left a controlling emotionally abusive marriage that became physically abusive when I had been married 40 years and my children were adults. They supported me absolutely and have never seen their father since . I took him to court and he was convicted of assault

Transfer your money into a seperate account, get a good solicitor . Don’t let him know where you are. Get support for Womens Aid

I am so happy without him as nobody is allowed to tell me what to do . You have lots of life left don’t put up with this. Your husband is an Abuser in every sense of the word

Many apologies for posting in haste without RTFT first. Well done, and best wishes.

Nobody should get a second chance after swearing and abusing you. Get your ducks in a row and end this relationship. Life’s much too short to allow a nasty man to ruin yours.

Nell... I am so glad to read your update!
I check back regularly to see if you have got away.. and today.. there you are!!
So happy for you.. no matter what the challenges that lie ahead, you can deal with them.. the hardest part is behind you. My best wishes for a future of freedom and peace.x

Good luck . Whatever happens now you are free of that tyrant and have the rest of your life to enjoy. Make the most of your freedom and remember you have made the right decision and sleeping on friends couches etc will not be for ever soon your life will be sorted and you will become the brave happy woman you deserve to be

Get a good divorce lawyer and line up everything to which you are entitled, possibly half his pension, then get new life of peace ad quiet.

An update and better late than never! So one year further on from my last post and I've finally, finally left. It was a split second decision after a blazing row. I'd already secretly had a bag packed for ages whilst I was still trying to pluck up courage to go so I had a quick getaway even though I had nowhere to go but this was the lesser of the 2 evils. I'm currently flitting between a couple of friends, sleeping on sofas and virtually living out of a suitcase but already I feel more relaxed. I honestly don't know what I will do in next days, weeks, months but at least there's no more getting worked up wondering what mood I will have to facer from him every day, no more walking on eggshells and no more mental cruelty.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Dear Sue110, welcome to the start of a new and happy life. Hopefully you are walking taller and feeling liberated.

Sue How are things going for you?

Nell I hope that you are ok

Not advice as such, but maybe a bit of encouragement. After nearly 60 (yes 60!) years of co-ercive control and gaslighting by my FiL, my MiL finally found the courage to leave him (she was 79). With support from my DH and his sister she lived out her final years in peace and happiness - she even looked years younger. It can be done

I should have added that you just need to find the right support...your friend is not that.

mrsnonsmoker

Thank you @icanhandthemback. It all seems more complicated the older you get ?

I think there are different problems but there are many grans on here who have made the leap at your age or beyond. I think the majority have found a way forward that suits them. As for you young adult children, you may find that they don't want to stay with him. Take legal advice, you may find that you can get an injunction depending on the level of abuse and you can stay in the house with the children. Explore every avenue, you will find a way if you really want to. Abused women are very good at finding problems, making excuses, etc because they have been so worn down that their self worth is at rock bottom. It is how abusers win but I know from personal experience that once you take the plunge, you become stronger and more able as time goes on. You are still working with an abusive induced brain fog; it soon clears.

i would be very wary of telling him in person.
can't you stay somewhere else and tell him via legal papers.
people who are volatile like that often become worse when stood up to. he may lash out.
certainly do not be alone with him during any such conversation.
i'm sure there is advice available on this, online.
good luck.

Thank you @icanhandthemback. It all seems more complicated the older you get ?

My friend keeps saying to me "can't you just put up with it?!" rather than leave a secure home. She also feels that I'm being cruel leaving him at our time of life. So do I.

mrsnonsmoker, she doesn't sound like a true friend to me and I'd be very careful about what I said about my plans to her. A true friend would recognise that you have given this man the best years of your life and put your children first. It isn't cruel to say, "I would like the rest of my life without someone controlling me with their temper." You need to put yourself first for once. The stress you are living under is the cruel bit.
Please think of yourself, it is not cruel to want to be happy. It may be your husband has mental health issues but he has chosen not to address them. Instead he has chosen to take it out on you. Incidentally, it is a common tactic to gaslight someone that they are abusive in an attempt to distract from their behaviour. If you are abusive to him, you'll be doing him a favour by leaving!
May I suggest that you access this site using a private browser: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
It will help you with advice about housing and other issues.
Also, many of us have been where you are and will tell you that it is the best thing they have ever done to remove themselves from the situation. We are also there to support you through what will be a difficult but ultimately rewarding time.

I came on here this evening looking for inspiration and certainly found it in Sue110! I'm 60, H is 65, and been married over 33 years, his behaviour has ranged from utterly deranged and frightening to pitiful - I'm sure he has serious MH problems but he always says I am abusive. Initially I stayed as I was scared of him being alone with the kids, then I stayed as we owed so much money there was no way of repaying it, then I stayed as my youngest daughter is still at home. I've been wanting to leave for 18 years and seriously planning it for 6. I feel my children have paid the price of my cowardice with their mental health and anxiety.

I'm planning to tell him next month - still scared of him being alone with the children even though they are now young adults. He'll have to live here whilst the divorce goes through could be a year or more. I think he will be threatening suicide from the get go - he is mostly estranged from his family and has no real friends so is almost obsessed with us, the control aspect I suppose. I think that's what makes him dangerous - he'd feel he had nothing to lose. At the same time I feel so sad that he will be alone - after all he is the father of my children and I should have ended it years ago when he could have had a better chance at starting again. Once our lovely house is sold and the mortgage paid off we will both struggle to get housing, I dread to think where we will end up.

So many issues! My friend keeps saying to me "can't you just put up with it?!" rather than leave a secure home. She also feels that I'm being cruel leaving him at our time of life. So do I.

Please leave. My dad was like this and was actually having an affair - I think this is a classic affair clue actually.

My mum left my dad but she was virtually in state if a nervous breakdown by the time she left. She always says she wishes had done it sooner - it took her a huge amount of courage. He was violent like that as well - this won’t ever get better and likely you’ll end up being caught in the crossfire of his rage forever if you don’t get out now

Once my mum left, aged 62, she went to university. Got a degree and a masters and really started loving her life. You can do this too without that millstone around your neck. Good luck.

Well done Sue! Wishing you every happiness as you forge ahead with your own future. Be happy!

I've just realised you have left him, fantastic. Now start living a normal life.

How can you say this man is caring!!
Start planning to move out of this mans life.
Sort out your finances, take advice but do it now.
Don't be frightened to make the change, you are still young enough to make a fabulous life for yourself.
Do something now don't wait any longer.
Best of luck

Well done Sue, hope that Nell follows your example.