husband doesn't want me to see as much of my family

LTB

It's all about compromise.

If you love each other, then sort out a workable plan.

He needs to accept, with good grace, that you are close to your family and friends.

Whether he wishes to join in, is his choice. Whether you wish to see them, and how often, is your choice.

He needs to stop with all the controlling behaviour.

But, you should, also make time, as a couple, just the two of you.

So called "blended" families are a juggling act, so it's finding a way that makes everyone happy.

If he can't compromise, though, I would be thinking as to whether I want to spend my life with a man like that.

Only you can make that decision.?

Honeysuckleberries, you have said exactly what I have been thinking. I don't like the way this man is immediately deemed jealous, possessive, a controller, a domestic abuser; to me he sounds like a man at the end of his tether.

When they first met it was just the two of them; now the family have moved close and seem to have swamped any private life.
He works long hours and when he is at home his wife is totally involved with her family. Why is it necessary to phone her adult children nearly every day, see them all once a week, socialise with them and her ex-husband regularly, arrange sleepovers for grandchildren, go on family holidays? Occasionally, yes, all good fun, but the frequency seems excessive .

The poster does need to re-assess her life style and see if she is prepared to make any compromises, but the phrase how can I make my husband embrace my family more is ominous.

I think most of us just expect a man to be able to function with a woman who works full time and has interests other than him. Perhaps we just know a lot of men who are able to cope with this.

Looking at this from his point of view…
I love my wife and want to spend as much time as I can with her.
We are both working full time so I can’t see her.
She works full time and then spends a day and a half looking after a child. Can’t see her.
When we do have time she sometimes socialises with her ex husband and family. I don’t get her for myself.
When she sees her ex husband I’m worried she might still love him.
I don’t know her family very well but they are taking her away from me.
I work hard and I just want to relax with my lovely wife, but she’s concentrating on her family.

I think he is being ignored by his wife and is reacting in an unhelpful way. It is like a drowning person grabbing on to their rescuer and drowning them both.

The utter automatic condemnation of this man is appalling but not unexpected on gransnet.

You work full time, spend one and a half days looking after a grandchild and about 6 hours a week with your children and you don't say how long with your friends. Maybe he just likes your company and wants to spend more time with you.

There is no right or wrong about spending time with family, some people want to, some do not.

You said I don't know what I can do to make him want to embrace my side of the family more.

He doesn't have to do that but he also shouldn't be dictating to you as he is.

Several posters have said they don't think counseling would help but I think it could help to clarify both your positions to each other.
Even counseling for yourself alone could help you to see things more clearly and to decide whether to stay in this marriage.

Controlling, emotionally abusive, miserable. What do you get out if this marriage other than anxiety and upset?

I am wondering if he is just plain jealous because you have a very close relationship with your kids and Sister….
Have you asked him if this is the case?
Your kids and Sister love you enough, I am sure as long as you are happy….maybe it’s him who needs to take a long hard look at his own relationships…
However, I do think he is being totally unfair and unkind to your nearest and dearest and I sincerely hope it doesn’t get to the stage that they all turn on him because that isn’t what you want, but I suspect they are all keeping a very close watch, just to make sure you are happy.
It is so sad that you are caught up in the middle…
Just keep your relationships with you family as they are, be honest with him and say he mustn’t make you choose between him and your family….
When you get an invite to family gatherings then make it clear that you are going and you would love very much for him to come, but if he doesn’t want to then maybe go anyway and go out for dinner with him another day, just so he doesn’t feel left out.
You can only be ‘controlled’ if you let him….he sounds like he needs boundaries, so you set some and carry on seeing your family and do something nice with him another day…it isn’t ideal but I guess it’s a compromise and he knows you love him and want to spend ‘quality time’ as it were with him, but he will also know you mean business when it comes to your family…..perhaps you should show your assertive side and simply tell him that you love him and love spending time with him, however, he also needs to know that if he wants a happy Wife then he has got to get on with you seeing your kids, Grandkids and your Sister as often as you like. But perhaps if you make time to do something nice with him maybe once a week, cook a nice meal, walk to your local pub, things like that…he might feel more secure….

He is controlling and will get worse. Do you want to be isolated from everyone you care about? If you are prepared to walk away, knowing that at times you will be lonely, children as they get older don’t see parents as much, do it. I would rather be alone than with anyone like that however much he says he loves you, in my eyes that’s not love, it’ is possessive controlling behaviour. I would make a plan, knowing you will end up with half, go for it, you will be free to be yourself once more. You only live once and you’re worth it.

Well said Granny 23. This is a very serious situation and I like many others here are concerned about Nanna 100. I hope she continues to post here for support. Nanna 100 you must be overwhelmed with all the response you have received here I hope you are coping with that. Please seek support from your family or outside professionals.

Slightly tongue in cheek here but ‘gut feelings’ are real and it pays to listen to them - otherwise you are going against your inner true wishes. Flip a coin. In your mind you say ‘heads I stay and tails I leave’. Trust me, you will either be relieved or disappointed - and your feelings will direct your action.

Good luck anyway. It sounds a stressful situation, walking on eggshells for him.

When I was a Women's Aid worker, we had a training manual for new workers/volunteers. It started with an exercise to illustrate how an abusive relationship develops, The first step is to Isolate the victim, from family, friends, work mates, neighbours, so that the only opinion you hear is his, you have no one to turn to for support etc. The relationship becomes a bit like Stockholm syndrome with the abuser in total control of your actions, life, thoughts and feelings.

What your Husband is doing is classic abusive behaviour. Get out or get rid as soon as you can, while you still have the will to resist.

Nanna, please take heed of the opinions here! I seems your husband does not really love you he thinks he owns you!!!!!
Quite simply you are at risk of losing your beloved family, this is not acceptable on any level. I agree with your friends who I am sure are very worried about you. I have not been in your situation so I agree am not in a position to advise - but I am certain that in your position I would never put with his behaviour,! NO ONE has the right to tell you not to see your DC /GC!! Don't think he will change - people don't. Sit down quietly and ask yourself " what do I really want" Then act on your answer. I wish you well and good luck.

Hi Nana,

Plenty of good advice on here .
Your girlfriends are absolutely right :
your husband is controlling, jealous and possessive .
And there you are trying to please him .
And the more that you give in the most he 'll expect and take .
I suspect that he's always behaved like this ,is deeply insecure and it's his reason for isolating your friends and family from you .

Sharing this is the first step to deciding what to do for the future .

You can continue to be unhappy with this horrible situation slowly destroying yourself trying to placate him .

Read the riot act -either you get some counselling and reach some sort of happy agreement/compromise or else !

Or just go .

As you are a grandma -I sympathise as I think that it's gets harder as we get older to contemplate being on our own .

You are obviously a contented , well balanced sociable person .

I'm thinking of you and I'm wishing you every good luck .
Take care .

Selfish jealous man who is best left to his own devices why have you put up with it so long.

It’s neither acceptable or normal to expect a woman with loving family to not see them or be in contact.

If you give in to this demanding childish behaviour you won’t be happy. It’s time to make your mind up what you really want out of life.

What do you want to do? Do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life?

This is the bottom line from where all your thinking needs to emanate.

If you to want to stay then it is essential that some compromises are reached. I can see both sides: of course you want the joy of being involved in your family's lives; but on the other hand it may all feel too much for him, and there is no way that he can feel about them as you do.

Ask him exactly what it is that he wants to do that he cannot do because of your involvement with family. See where you stand on these things - are they things that you too want to do, and would be happy to give up family time for? Or does he just want quiet time at home with you after work? - or a stroll to the pub for a drink or whatever?

There is a difference between being controlling and having different needs and expectations which are being ignored.

Maybe think through what you want and where you are prepared to compromise - just knowing that you are considering his point of view might help to defuse things.

If there is no compromise, then you have no choice but to consider whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

You are being slowly isolated from your family.

As H1954 mentioned. If something happens and you are left alone, you will have little or no contact with your family. It will be too late then to repair the damage to your relationship with them,

I know who I would choose!

He seems very controlling.

DH and I got married later in life -bee both had two married AC and grandchildren of varying ages.

We both had other family members we were involved with.

We both had friends from our "past lives".

But, we knew that each of us came with all this "baggage" (in the nicest possible way!).

So, even if we haven't really felt like it, we've included them all in our lives.

Some has been stressful, some has been great, but you do it anyway.

Your husband sounds as though he wants to isolate you from all of them, which is not healthy.

If you really love him and want to stay with him, I would start issuing an ultimatum or two - either he becomes involved with your family and friends, and/or doesn't moan when you see them, or you feel you will have to call it a day.

Otherwise, he will force you into making a choice between him and your children/GC/friends etc.

Good luck.

He resents you having anything to do with your family as he wants your 'free time to be spent just the two of you' , but sees his 'a few times a month'? Says it all really, doesn't it?

This seems like emotional abuse to me - and one of the hallmarks of that is trying to isolate you from your family.

Sorry but he sounds like a very unpleasant man. If you keep putting up with this he won’t change. I’d think you would be better off without him!

No one has the right to control another, tightening the reins and alienating them from family and friends , that is not loving them . Love is kind giving and generous , control is unkind, manipulative and destroying. It sounds as though it's gone on a long while and it's coming to a head and it's time for you to make a stand.
Be strong , being in an unhappy relationship is worse than being alone. Go see your family and your friends when you want , make a stand, what's the worse that can happen , if he doesn't like it he can leave . Empower yourself . Best wishes

You don't say how long you have been married, and whether this resentment of your family was always present or developed when your family moved closer. You do seem, to me, to spend quite a large proportion of your time with your family, bearing in mind you work and spend one and a half days in childcare. Your husband, from a small family, may be overwhelmed. People with large families don't always realise how overpowering they can be.

But the warning signs are there: resenting phone calls, jealous of your civilised relationship with your ex-husband, preventing regular family contact and wanting to monopolise all your free time. You say you want to make him embrace your side of your family more; he has said he won't change, so compromise seems unlikely.

You say you feel you have sold your soul, so it really doesn't seem as though there is much chance of future happiness. Counselling might help, but as he has said he won't change, you have to establish your priorities and base your decision on that. Not easy.

He is alienating everyone you love so that you only have him and friends that he approves of.

I’m sure if I wrote your original post, you would tell me to leave him.

I’m so sorry for the pain he is causing your children and Grandchildren, they must be so sad that they can’t come and see you and you are missing out on so much.