husband doesn't want me to see as much of my family

Nana100 - you have my sympathy. He sounds very controlling and jealous of your past life. The fact that you not only have a close relationship with your children and grandchildren, but are also able to see your ex makes me wonder whether he had an acrimonious divorce and is worried you may leave him - or whether he’s just a selfish man who doesn’t intend to share you with anyone else. Of course your children want their mum and dad at family events. Your husband needs to accept that and make an effort rather than putting you in such an impossible situation. He’s basically making you choose - and that’s not fair to you or your children. If it were me in your position then I’d be giving him an ultimatum - to make more of an effort or our marriage is over. From what you’ve written, your relationship sounds very one-sided. He shouldn’t be making you choose and should seek some counselling for his jealousy and controlling behaviours. Good luck Nana100 - I wish you well ?

Hi, your girlfriends are absolutely right, he is controlling, dreadfully controlling and unkind! I don’t know how you can live like this going forward. He’s made his position quite clear, I suspect there is no changing that. What’s the future here, you stopping or limiting time spent with your children and grandchildren just to keep the peace, to keep him happy? And once he’s got his way over the family thing, I wonder what the next issue will be in order to subtly/or not so subtly control your freedom. If you have to see less of your loved ones in order to keep the peace, the price I think is too high. Good luck.

Sorry, yes he is controlling. I wouldn’t put up with it. He either has a massive chip on his shoulder or he’s simply not a very nice man.

Frankly I would be preparing to leave him. Counselling won’t work. He has shown you who he is and it is unreasonable and unacceptable for you to have to live that way.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. He needs to accept the fact that you have children and grandchildren and they are as big a part of your life as he is. You say that he wants social time with you and friends.......his choice, he doesn't want you seeing your ex........his choice, he doesn't want your grandkids having a sleepover............his choice, he doesn't want a life centred around family.........his choice. He is a control freak.

Look at this from another perspective; you go along with his choices and don't have anything to do with family thus alienating yourself.............then, something happens and he is no longer around leaving you completely alone, not only are you grieving for him but you have little or no contact with family. Has he ever considered that possible scenario? Probably not.

Time for some tough talking, I don't doubt that you love him dearly but he must accept you for who you are, a Mum and a grandmother. You deserve better than how he is treating you. I wish you well in finding a resolution for this but I know where my allegiance would lie; family first.

Wow ..this chap needs to get over it ..this is your family and nothing and no one should ever come between you ..especially when you say they moved to be near you ..Possesive /jealous ? Whatever it is ...its not nice ..dont break away from Kin x

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Grumpy old man comes to mind !!! Controlling, manipulative among others come to mind ... your children are your flesh & blood ... they will come first in my opinion ... like one person has already said ... if you don't have anything or much to do with your own, if anything happens you will have no family, if you didn't want to know them before, why should they want to know you then ... harsh as it seems ... you need to go with your heart ❤️ ... stick with your children ... to me personally seems like he doesn't like anyone especially your side of your family ... also if you put your hubby first now, how will his children be to you if anything happens to him ... put things in perspective ....saying that ... all the best in what you decide to do

I've got a slightly different perspective.

I don't get on with my bloke's family. We've been together a fair number of years and there is a history of them taking over and not acting fairly towards me. So I don't like spending time with them. I'm not rude if I see them, but I don't go to events with them. I tolerate his children, but again, some of their behaviour has been out of order and I avoid time with them where I can.

However, I wouldn't dream of telling him not to see them. Ever. They're his family and he loves them. He frequently spends Christmas at his ex-wife's house, because his children are there, or attends events she puts on for the same reason.

He does spend a lot of time with my grandson, because I'm his full-time childcare. He doesn't mind this, but I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to, because DGS is very hard work!

I'd tell him you don't expect him to spend time with your family if he doesn't want to, and that you won't dictate to him about his family. But that he doesn't get to make your choices for you.

SunshineSally

Nana100 - you have my sympathy. He sounds very controlling and jealous of your past life. The fact that you not only have a close relationship with your children and grandchildren, but are also able to see your ex makes me wonder whether he had an acrimonious divorce and is worried you may leave him - or whether he’s just a selfish man who doesn’t intend to share you with anyone else. Of course your children want their mum and dad at family events. Your husband needs to accept that and make an effort rather than putting you in such an impossible situation. He’s basically making you choose - and that’s not fair to you or your children. If it were me in your position then I’d be giving him an ultimatum - to make more of an effort or our marriage is over. From what you’ve written, your relationship sounds very one-sided. He shouldn’t be making you choose and should seek some counselling for his jealousy and controlling behaviours. Good luck Nana100 - I wish you well ?

I agree and wanted to add well done to all of your family for including ex partners in the family relationships. Last summer my family went on a camping holiday to Cumbria. Two children, 5 grandchildren, two natural grandparents together with their current partners. It’s by far the best solution for these new family setups, imo.

In your situation, I’d be checking out the legal situation and (nasty phrase) getting my ducks in a row. I had a previous relationship along the lines of your current one. I just wouldn’t go along with being isolated from my family. I finally left after almost destroying my mental health through anxiety and worry about ‘doing the right thing’. Eventually I saw the manipulation for what it was and all the promises of change that never happened.

You and your family need each other. Don’t allow your husband to do anymore damage.

He is alienating everyone you love so that you only have him and friends that he approves of.

I’m sure if I wrote your original post, you would tell me to leave him.

I’m so sorry for the pain he is causing your children and Grandchildren, they must be so sad that they can’t come and see you and you are missing out on so much.

You don't say how long you have been married, and whether this resentment of your family was always present or developed when your family moved closer. You do seem, to me, to spend quite a large proportion of your time with your family, bearing in mind you work and spend one and a half days in childcare. Your husband, from a small family, may be overwhelmed. People with large families don't always realise how overpowering they can be.

But the warning signs are there: resenting phone calls, jealous of your civilised relationship with your ex-husband, preventing regular family contact and wanting to monopolise all your free time. You say you want to make him embrace your side of your family more; he has said he won't change, so compromise seems unlikely.

You say you feel you have sold your soul, so it really doesn't seem as though there is much chance of future happiness. Counselling might help, but as he has said he won't change, you have to establish your priorities and base your decision on that. Not easy.

No one has the right to control another, tightening the reins and alienating them from family and friends , that is not loving them . Love is kind giving and generous , control is unkind, manipulative and destroying. It sounds as though it's gone on a long while and it's coming to a head and it's time for you to make a stand.
Be strong , being in an unhappy relationship is worse than being alone. Go see your family and your friends when you want , make a stand, what's the worse that can happen , if he doesn't like it he can leave . Empower yourself . Best wishes

Sorry but he sounds like a very unpleasant man. If you keep putting up with this he won’t change. I’d think you would be better off without him!

This seems like emotional abuse to me - and one of the hallmarks of that is trying to isolate you from your family.

He resents you having anything to do with your family as he wants your 'free time to be spent just the two of you' , but sees his 'a few times a month'? Says it all really, doesn't it?

He seems very controlling.

DH and I got married later in life -bee both had two married AC and grandchildren of varying ages.

We both had other family members we were involved with.

We both had friends from our "past lives".

But, we knew that each of us came with all this "baggage" (in the nicest possible way!).

So, even if we haven't really felt like it, we've included them all in our lives.

Some has been stressful, some has been great, but you do it anyway.

Your husband sounds as though he wants to isolate you from all of them, which is not healthy.

If you really love him and want to stay with him, I would start issuing an ultimatum or two - either he becomes involved with your family and friends, and/or doesn't moan when you see them, or you feel you will have to call it a day.

Otherwise, he will force you into making a choice between him and your children/GC/friends etc.

Good luck.

You are being slowly isolated from your family.

As H1954 mentioned. If something happens and you are left alone, you will have little or no contact with your family. It will be too late then to repair the damage to your relationship with them,

I know who I would choose!

What do you want to do? Do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life?

This is the bottom line from where all your thinking needs to emanate.

If you to want to stay then it is essential that some compromises are reached. I can see both sides: of course you want the joy of being involved in your family's lives; but on the other hand it may all feel too much for him, and there is no way that he can feel about them as you do.

Ask him exactly what it is that he wants to do that he cannot do because of your involvement with family. See where you stand on these things - are they things that you too want to do, and would be happy to give up family time for? Or does he just want quiet time at home with you after work? - or a stroll to the pub for a drink or whatever?

There is a difference between being controlling and having different needs and expectations which are being ignored.

Maybe think through what you want and where you are prepared to compromise - just knowing that you are considering his point of view might help to defuse things.

If there is no compromise, then you have no choice but to consider whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Selfish jealous man who is best left to his own devices why have you put up with it so long.

It’s neither acceptable or normal to expect a woman with loving family to not see them or be in contact.

If you give in to this demanding childish behaviour you won’t be happy. It’s time to make your mind up what you really want out of life.

Hi Nana,

Plenty of good advice on here .
Your girlfriends are absolutely right :
your husband is controlling, jealous and possessive .
And there you are trying to please him .
And the more that you give in the most he 'll expect and take .
I suspect that he's always behaved like this ,is deeply insecure and it's his reason for isolating your friends and family from you .

Sharing this is the first step to deciding what to do for the future .

You can continue to be unhappy with this horrible situation slowly destroying yourself trying to placate him .

Read the riot act -either you get some counselling and reach some sort of happy agreement/compromise or else !

Or just go .

As you are a grandma -I sympathise as I think that it's gets harder as we get older to contemplate being on our own .

You are obviously a contented , well balanced sociable person .

I'm thinking of you and I'm wishing you every good luck .
Take care .

Nanna, please take heed of the opinions here! I seems your husband does not really love you he thinks he owns you!!!!!
Quite simply you are at risk of losing your beloved family, this is not acceptable on any level. I agree with your friends who I am sure are very worried about you. I have not been in your situation so I agree am not in a position to advise - but I am certain that in your position I would never put with his behaviour,! NO ONE has the right to tell you not to see your DC /GC!! Don't think he will change - people don't. Sit down quietly and ask yourself " what do I really want" Then act on your answer. I wish you well and good luck.

When I was a Women's Aid worker, we had a training manual for new workers/volunteers. It started with an exercise to illustrate how an abusive relationship develops, The first step is to Isolate the victim, from family, friends, work mates, neighbours, so that the only opinion you hear is his, you have no one to turn to for support etc. The relationship becomes a bit like Stockholm syndrome with the abuser in total control of your actions, life, thoughts and feelings.

What your Husband is doing is classic abusive behaviour. Get out or get rid as soon as you can, while you still have the will to resist.

Slightly tongue in cheek here but ‘gut feelings’ are real and it pays to listen to them - otherwise you are going against your inner true wishes. Flip a coin. In your mind you say ‘heads I stay and tails I leave’. Trust me, you will either be relieved or disappointed - and your feelings will direct your action.

Good luck anyway. It sounds a stressful situation, walking on eggshells for him.