husband doesn't want me to see as much of my family

I had a father with a wife that thought in a similar way to your husband. She didn’t want him to see me or his grandchildren. She made no secret that she disliked us and wanted us out of his life. Over the years, I did my best to ignore her behaviour, which included showing open animosity toward my mother, in order to keep my relationship with my Dad. However, eventually my father started to pull back from me to please his wife, a few years later barely any contact at all. Awkward situations turned into bad atmospheres which turned into conflict, which is now a irreparable situation. The amount of damage and pain that woman has caused is indescribable. I was deeply hurt by my father going along with it; and still am in some ways. I now know that he was likely in a controlling & abusive marriage and in all likelihood became exhausted by his wife making seeing his children a constant issue / pressure. I am not saying you are in an abusive marriage; but your husband’s behaviour is showing red flags and is controlling . I know difficulties in a marriage are awful - but stand firm on this and do not allow him to destroy your relationships with your children and grandchildren. The fact is he should want you to have lovely relationships with your children; because he understands you are a mother which is a big part if who you are. God bless you.

He knew you had family when you got together and, in both mine & my SO views, family comes first!!!
How dare he be so controlling of you, demanding that you not share YOUR time with YOUR FAMILY!!
You really need to put your foot down, stop creeping around to see your family and friends and tell him straight that although you have friends together, you also have separate friends! And he's just fine seeing his son whenever he wants, so you will see your children & grandchildren when you want, regardless of what he demands!!!
Yes, your friends are right, he's controlling and a bully, and really you shouldn't have stood for it from the start as that meant he was winning!!!

You may have come to a crossroads in your life where you are both going to have to decide how you see your future if you are happy to isolate yourself and just have each other then stay and work through it but if Dh can see how much joy being with family brings you why would he want to stop this .I think him forcing you to choose would only lead to resentment so neither of you will be happy.

Yes eazybee, I agree.

That amount of someone else's family is suffocating. Fine, for the person whose family it is, but not for the one who they're not related to.

I think she has to decide which she wants, because it sounds like she doesn't want to compromise either. Pretty sure she'll pick her family. Which is fine.

The husband does have friends and he wants them both to socialise with them.
The OP has said I've taken the approach I'll (will, not have) go on my own if he's uncomfortable about it, not: it's making him uncomfortable therefore I will reduce the amount of contact with my ex.
I really do think the amount of time she devotes to her family is excessive, and I know why it makes me uneasy.
I knew a young couple who met at university in her home town; she wanted to stay, he didn't, so they moved to the first job offer, unfortunately in his home town where they lived with his parents, but only on condition that they spent every other weekend and virtually all holidays with her family. The relationship came to a brutal end six weeks before their marriage when she discovered his affair with a work colleague; his excuse, unforgiveable but true: we never did anything together that didn't involve our families or work. Later, happily married to someone else but never returning home, she acknowledged, neither of us was prepared to leave our families; we never properly left home and it ruined the relationship.

welbeck

sounds like he is an introvert and you are not.

No it seems far more than that.

If he were an introvert who preferred not to chat with her family or go to family events or other outings but was happy for her to go alone that's fine.

But he isn't- OP said she has tried that and he doesn't like it.
And she phones them on her way home from work so it doesn't encroach on his evening.

That isnt just him being introverted, and choosing what he does ( which would be reasonable) - it is him trying to control her by isolating her from others.

He doesn't like sharing you with others, needs to be in control and appears to be pushing you to make a decision, him or them.
He sound a miserable human being. Does he have friends?
I think family is everything if I was told not to see my grandchildren and my children he would get short change from me, it would never happen.
He's a bully you need to make a decision.

sounds like he is an introvert and you are not.

Hi Nana ,

I reread your original
post to see if your earlier messages including mine were a knee jerk reaction to your situation ie : we are siding with you against your husband .

Other gransnetters see his point of view .
Fair enough .
I guess that the goal posts have altered since you first met and that you are nearer to your family and see more of them than before .

But I still think that he's exhibiting emotional control and abuse .

A compromise would be ideal - maybe if you could set aside some quality time during which you can wine ,dine and enjoy the special relationship together as you did before .

But if you can't achieve this - perhaps with counselling then the future looks bleak

I've seen this horrible insidious emotional control and blackmail in my own family in which someone has to have all of their own way all of the time - no matter how the other partner feels .And they don't give a damn .

This is what I call a cruel ,destructive bullying relationship and not a creative ,happy healthy relationship .

One person is completely destroying themselves in order to please another .

I'm sure that all of us are thinking of you on gransnet and we are hoping for a happy conclusion .

Sharing it with us is a very good idea and maybe the first step to a better future .

Take a deep breath and consider your options .

Wishing you every joy and good luck .

You can do absolutely nothing to make him want to see your family, and probably nothing to make him accept that you want to see them.

So either you try to work out a compromise, such as accepting that your grandchildren do not stay the night at your place, or seeing less of your children or grandchildren, or you sit down an consider very seriously, whether you want to spend the rest of your life, basically, for the sake of peace, only seeing your husband.

What you do depends entirely on whether you feel your marriage is still a good one, and your husband the man you fell for. If you still feel you cannot live without him, you need to be honest with yourself and realise that you cannot change him.

You might be able to demand that you go and see your children when and as you like. but that they only visit you if your husband is not at home. I imagine you will all enjoy yourselves more without him.

If you accept the view that he is controlling to the point of emotional abuse, start looking seriously at the prospect of leaving him - the longer you wait the harder it will become.

When my children were small, my Mother-in-Law (a widow), was wonderfully helpful and we all loved visiting her in her little council flat.
Then she re-married - moved into quite a luxury flat, owned by her new husband. He was a widower with two AC, and a couple of g.children.
He detested it when we came to visit there, disliked the mess and noise that our family caused. MiL slowly also ceased to visit us, or have any part in our family life.

This was all very many years ago, but one of my younger children (now on her way to fifty years of age), recently commented that she did not have any memories of her Grandma, as she thought I had stopped them seeing her (her father and I did separate). I did correct her, but still feel sad that the re-marriage had effectively stopped her being a Grandma.

Honeysuckleberries, I agree. How much is too much time with them?

Where is the time for your relationship? Be honest. How much actual time do you spend with him alone? Or with mutual friends? Once a week? Monthly?

If you want your family to be the centre of your life, always, maybe you do need to split up. But if you love your husband and want to stay married, you'll need to find a middle ground. He can then decide if he wants what is on offer, or leave.

Two words spring to mind Nana communication and compromise.

You and your H need to talk about this situation honestly so you can both understand the other's point of view. As has already been suggested, counselling would be a good way of ensuring that you're on neutral ground with someone impartial to hopefully keep the conversation focused.

Once you understand how the other feels and why, compromises will hopefully be agreed upon.

Take some time to ponder Honeysucklberries post which IMO is excellent and may well have pin pointed some, if not all that your H is feeling.

It is wrong for anyone to dictate how much time someone's spending with family and Oopsadaisy also makes a very valid point, about how a controlling partner can eventually lead to estrangement within a family, with the one being controlled eventually being totally isolated. We've also experienced this which is why communication and compromise is so important.

Your H needs to know from the outset that the time spent with your family is important to you, that you're prepared to make more time for him without them being around, and that he needs to be more welcoming and better company when they visit.

I hope that by working together toward a shared goal you can resolve this.

I'm not suggesting that he's emotionally abusive and seeking to alienate you from your family that said, it an and does happen and the 'victim' is more often than not unaware of being manipulated and controlled until the damage is done.

I thinking that Nana100 needs to think about whether some compromise from both sides will resolve this problem, and that will be that.

I suspect not.

Has he always had an issue around the amount of time you spend?

At my age, I wouldn't really start a relationship if I much preferred time as a couple.

It's hard to know if he's struggling with change, or if he's being immature and jealous of anyone who takes your time and attention from him, and/or reminds him that you had a life prior to him.

Some people don't really enjoy kids, and find it a relief when they're all grown and flown. Is it possible he simply doesn't enjoy kids around? I can empathize with the holiday issue. A large crew on holiday together is a lot of moving parts, different personalities, different schedules... I personally don't want to work that hard while on vacation, and for what a holiday costs, I'm also not wanting to spend loads of money and not do as I please... (which is laying about somewhere warm, a warm ocean/sea, and drinks with tiny little umbrellas in them).

At the end of the day, only you know if this is a struggle with change, or jealousy/insecurity. And what you will and won't accept moving forward.

I do think counselling would be helpful because you could both listen to what each of you is saying in a non judgemental and neutral space.
All relationships rely on compromise to some extent, but it is difficult to change how someone else feels, only how you view things.
It may be that compromise isn’t possible and then you may need to make some tough decisions, depending on your own priorities.

eazybee

*Honeysuckleberries*, you have said exactly what I have been thinking. I don't like the way this man is immediately deemed jealous, possessive, a controller, a domestic abuser; to me he sounds like a man at the end of his tether.

When they first met it was just the two of them; now the family have moved close and seem to have swamped any private life.
He works long hours and when he is at home his wife is totally involved with her family. Why is it necessary to phone her adult children nearly every day, see them all once a week, socialise with them and her ex-husband regularly, arrange sleepovers for grandchildren, go on family holidays? Occasionally, yes, all good fun, but the frequency seems excessive .

The poster does need to re-assess her life style and see if she is prepared to make any compromises, but the phrase how can I make my husband embrace my family more is ominous.

You've posted just what I was about to say eazybee and Honeysuckle..... where is the compromise in all of this?

How would Nana100 feel if roles were reversed and husband was spending so much time on his family?

I'm always amazed that when someone has a domestic problem most advice on here is to leave. It's never that easy to start again. There has to be a compromise here. To be honest if I was constantly surrounded by my husband's family especially his ex I wouldn't like it. He sounds as if he just wants some peace and quiet at times. A conversation needs to be had.

Yep! I agree with Esspee and others, once he's removed you from your family, he'll start on your friends.
He sounds very insecure and jealous. Maybe that neediness appealed to you once but now others need you more.
Be a bit selfish yourself and do what's best for you.

Daddima of course you are correct in that we only have one side of the story here, but this scenario happened in our family but it was the man who was alienated from his children, mother and the rest of our family (including me) by his controlling wife, she then divorced him and his family didn’t want anything to do with him. ( by this time I didn’t have a clue where he lived and his mother had died)
Of course he had a voice and we felt he should have stood up to his wife, but he didn’t, pretty much like this Poster?

Have you considered he may be feeling insecure?
He's afraid of losing you, and in his clumsy way of holding onto you he's actually bringing about the very thing he fears most.
I doubt he'll change, but it'd be a shame to break up your marriage when you consider in another 10 years the grandchildren won't need you and you'll be alone.
I am married to someone similar and I know there's no 'sitting down and talking' with them. But do think hard before you throw him away for the sake of other people.

I am always amazed at the replies to many posts on here, especially where they say,’ it sounds to me like’, based on very limited information, and following with rather drastic instructions!
I once again quote my mother’s saying, ‘ There are three sides to every story, his side, her side, and the truth.’
For that reason, I’d think that counselling could help, or at least a calm discussion, to see exactly what the issue is, and what they both feel able to do to improve it. My cousin’s marriage broke up, and a large part of it was because her son, his wife, and three quite unruly children came for dinner every night because ‘ he’s been working all day and needs a good dinner, and she’s busy with the children’. Please note, I am not suggesting this applies in this case, just that I’d hope OP and her husband could find out if it’s more than just him being determined to control her, which she won’t know until he tells her.
Counsellors are not there to judge and/or advise, more to keep the discussion on track ( or at least, they should be)
Good Luck.

I can see his point of view, but grown ups have to compromise on these sorts of things.
It's a slippery slope, for whatever my opinion is worth.
There will always be issues with a partner who has had a life before meeting us, so we have to make the best of it, or call it a day.

Honeysuckleberries

Looking at this from his point of view…
I love my wife and want to spend as much time as I can with her.
We are both working full time so I can’t see her.
She works full time and then spends a day and a half looking after a child. Can’t see her.
When we do have time she sometimes socialises with her ex husband and family. I don’t get her for myself.
When she sees her ex husband I’m worried she might still love him.
I don’t know her family very well but they are taking her away from me.
I work hard and I just want to relax with my lovely wife, but she’s concentrating on her family.

I think he is being ignored by his wife and is reacting in an unhelpful way. It is like a drowning person grabbing on to their rescuer and drowning them both.

The utter automatic condemnation of this man is appalling but not unexpected on gransnet.

She works as well. Why does he need attention paid to him. They could cook together, wash dishes together, she shouldn't have to stop everything to pay attention to him.

If 14 years have passed since meeting him I would have thought it might have occurred to him that grandchildren might be on the scene at some stage.

Imagine what it will be like when you retire and he can check where you are all the time. How will that be?