Difficult relationship with daughter-in-law

Rosie I think Brandygrans advice is worth thinking about. It does look like there is a mismatch of expectations all round here and looking at different perspectives might help.

I do think Respect is earned , it is not an automatic right. However I have also observed where respect is deserved but not given because it a perception of "rights" trumps it!

I used to have a very difficult relationship with my dil. I thought that I would spend my time with them being helpful but in fact on hind sight I was disturbing her routine with the children! Who would have wanted their mil in the house 24/7 for a fortnight! If you have to travel a long way you can't go for a weekend but you can make plans for every afternoon perhaps taking the chn out or going sightseeing yourself to give your dil some space. Think back to when you were her age and how you would have felt. By the way dil and I get on well now that they come to me because I'm no longer able to travel to them.

Mil is as much as a mother as dil - both deserve respect based on role theory, right?

Respect is earned, not automatically given by some outdated society rules

There are 2 main types of respect:

1. Respect for a person as an individual.

2. Respect for a person in authority or in a position of power.

Anyone who withholds 1 unless you give them 2 deserves neither.

Rosie wrote:

"I am their mother for gods sake, and expect some sort of respect. What is this world coming to."

Heartfelt! I know that feeling Rosie. This world has come to not respecting mother ,not because of something she does or does not do, but solely because she has the status of mother. Even in more traditional societies the mother of the family does not have the status she once had.

Elders generally are not respected now. It's not uncommon in a household for the elder woman to be washing dishes while the young woman watches TV ; or for a son or daughter to be late at some arranged meeting.

Guests dont do housework even dishes.Not in my home or in any of my friends homes.I would never expect any guest to clean ,my late MIL used to bring her iron and ironing board 40 years ago and we would iron in tandem...my OH often wore 4 shirts a day and they mounted up ...but there is no way I would ask anyone to clean my house ..ever .The only time anyone else cleaned was when my baby was in SCBU for 11 weeks and I spent most of my time there with him
Guests come to see you and spend time with the kids ,eat nice food and see the local area ..have a break .I'm surprised so many think cleaning is acceptable for a granny to do ,surely she's done more than her share of her own cleaning

aggangement = arrangement

Never forget it is their house and they have their own "way" of doing things. A wise guest would ask "would you like me to cook tonight?" or "Can I get you any shopping in?" before moving into the kitchen and taking over.

One of the things I dont like about visiting for a few days is being around people all the time. And I would be conscious that my hostess may want time to do household chores, cook, or just have a bit of head space. You dont have to live in peoples pockets. If your DIL just "disappears" she has probably had enough and needs some space of her own but feels akward in saying so.

Whenever Ive visited friends in the past I always asked if they had any particular plans they wanted me to fit in with. I would also have some ideas of my own of things I wanted to do/see and would be happy to go off on my own if they were not interested. That way we usually negotiated a mutual aggangement that gave us both some free time.

Guests dont have to be "entertained" all the time.

It's inefficient of daughter in law not to communicate at least what concerns both of you such as cooking, cleaning and child care. Most guests are expected to help a bit around the house.

There will be reasons for her lack of communication. You can't insist she communicate. All you can do is ask her questions and make requests such as " May I cook lunch today?" " May I pay for the next grocery shopping?" " Let me know if I am doing the right things for the kids."

Most of these relationship problems are caused by the people concerned not having the same idea about the role expected of them.

For instance I see you as as no more than a guest, however much your son loves and respects you. It's pity about the geographical distance and I think you are doing awfully well to visit at regular intervals.

My own sons have never expected to socialise with me or go out together, apart from when we are eating together in my house.

I'd hate it if they went to live in the US which would add geographical to social distance! My daughters in law certainly don't expect to socialise with me but would think it odd if, when I was physically capable, I did not wash the dishes or help with the cleaning when I was staying in their house as their guest.

Honestly, it wouldn’t occur to me, @Smileless. Not being snarky at all, but with my husband, it’s, “Okay, I’m off, back later!” We’re pretty aware of each other’s habits and preferences, so it’s just not a big deal, I guess. If I’m going out, it’s for errands and a coffee with a friend. If he’s going out, it’s either for errands or golf.

I find it odd, honestly, that a houseguest would expect the same information from an adult that I ask if my teens. Especially since the Dad was still home, they’re not babysitting, stuck until the mom’s return.

PoppyBlue

Could you ask your son to book time off next time you visit?

I was wondering why he shut himself away working, could he not take just a few days off when you visit?

I agree with Hithere's comment that two weeks is a long time for a visit.
Two weeks is a long time to have someone stay

It's a long way to go for a visit

I must remember that next time we go to visit family ........

Do they come over here at all, Rosie1950?

Mr. S. and I don't question one another either MercuryQueen, there's no need as we always let one another know when and where we're going and the approximate time we'll be back.

If we're delayed, we let the the other one know. Just good manners really. I don't think the OP's d.i.l. should necessarily tell her where she's going, but it would be polite to say when she expects to be back.

If your son isn’t changing his plans when you visit, why should she?

If doesn't have much support normally, perhaps she is taking the opportunity of getting out on her own during your visit, knowing the children are in safe hands. Also feeling that it gives you plenty of time with your grandchildren without her being around. Sounds like it could be a case of neither you, nor she, communicating expectations, preferences etc.

Are you invited by them or do you assume an invitation? Do you ask if it's ok to come? Perhaps your Dil isn't that keen on visitors. Two weeks is a long time to have someone stay.

That does sound rather unwelcoming but it wouldn’t put me off visiting. She probably sees you visiting as you coming to see your son and grandchildren, rather than coming to spend time with het.

In many ways I would welcome the opportunity to spend time just you with the grandchildren.

Would you look askance at your son going out when her mother visits or would you equally expect him to stay at home with his MIL and the children.

I hope your son makes the most if the evenings and weekends to spend time with you.

That's true whitepeonies it does need talking through.

We also lived in America (admittedly years ago) and I know I was surprised how few rights workers there have. So often the rights we take for granted here are just "assumed" are similar in the USA though.
Apologies if you already knew. It wasn't clear. Sorry.

I'm not making assumptions about holidays in America. I'm aware of what it's like as I have lived and worked there. It was a question for the OP to see if any effort from DS was made.

Also, holiday time is really dependent on a number of things, the type of role, seniority, company, the industry/sector. I have friends that cannot afford to take the time off. I also have friends that are senior enough to have at least 3 weeks of holiday time.

Regardless of whether or not her DS could take the time off or not, he should have had some sort of plan for her of what to expect during her stay so at least she has a heads up. For example: Her DS could say just a heads up DIL will be in and out while you spend time with the GC. (DIL does not need to check in with MIL.) etc. If they had a discussion about it and she communicated then maybe she would feel better about her stay.

whitepeonies44 and newmom I think you are making assumptions about holidays in America.
There is no automatic entitlement to vacation leave. For example my son "earned" 9 days leave after 2 years full employment with his first company there. No sick pay etc.
It is not always possible to take leave at all.
Then of course if leave is allowed there may be financial implications as not all companies give paid leave.
And obviously there is zero job security - people can be just told to leave immediately without even being given a reason.

I would stop with all the assumptionsabout your DIL until you speak to your DS.

The problemlies with your relationship with your DS. It does not sound like you have a very strong relationship with him or yourDIL. If you did then the communication would be better.

How was your relationship with your DS growing up? You were there to visit for 2 weeks, if you were close, why didn't he take time off to spend time with you? Are they genuinely glad to see you and spend time with you during your stay or do they view your visit as something along the lines of family obligation?

It can be a number of things. Maybe there is trouble in their marriage like a PP said. Maybe she tells DS whereshe is off to, like a PP said. 2 weeks is a long time as PPs have said. It should not be expected of DIL to entertain you during your stay. Your DS should have had a part in this. As a PP said, maybe DIL does not want a relationship with you but she respects the relationships you have with your DS and GC.

If you improve your communication with your DS perhaps future visits will be planned out better with things scheduled to your liking.

And to add, my husband doesn’t question me as to where I’m going or when I’ll be back, so I’d find it very intrusive for someone else to do so, especially when the children’s other parent was in the home.

Daisymae

I would say it only common courtesy to say that you are going out. I can't imagine doing this unless you were making a point. I'm guessing that you are right, in that you are not warmly welcomed. I would be inclined to reduce the visits to alternate years or one week.

The OP says the DIL doesn’t invite her, say where she is going or when she’ll be back.

So it seems that DIL isn’t just disappearing, just not giving OP the details. And since OP is unhappy about not being invited along, it would seem that her son is available to take care of his children.

Why is your son not taking annual leave when you visit. If my MIL was staying for 2 weeks and it was left to me to entertain her did he pissed off. Maybe this is your DILs way of saying to your son that he needs to be off when you’re there. He’s your son, he’s the one who should be spending time with you.

This family does sound somewhat disfunctional.........Mother visits for two weeks, DIL disappears and won't communicate and son hides in his work.

Perhaps it's time to have a conversation with son and DIL to get to the bottom of the problem, there could be problems within their marriage, who knows.

The fact that you want to have contact with your grandchildren is the important thing for you so only you can start that conversation if the adults are so distracted and distant.