Date gone bad

Let’s be realistic here, this chap might be acting like an idiot who after getting someone into bed is off.

I know a person who is recently widowed and he is doing the same thing, there are so many women who are taken in by men who are reliving their feckless youth, with no worries about pregnancy, but ignoring the risk of an STD.

I’m sorry if he is treating you like this.

@Drawinggran You didn't say if you were on HRT. It is a fact that as we age we can get vaginal atrophy. This can be a very painful condition. I know a smear nurse I had even referred to HRT as " opening you up" ! I have been on HRT for over 7 years now and am also on a vagifem pessary twice a week to support my whole urinogenital system. There are lots of " in the moment" products like the YES range which are good for sex and just general health but it maybe that you need some vaginal meds. I agree that he could be embarrassed about it but let's face it every time with someone new is awkward - it's a shame he has reacted this way. If it is many years for you I would suggest that you get a vibrator and some lube and see how that feels to you. Good idea to talk to your nurse too.

I wouldn't give him the time of day.
It doesn't matter how he felt about it, no excuses for behaving as he did..

I suspect women who haven’t experienced the excruciating pain caused by vaginal atrophy, will struggle to understand how bad it is. No amount of lubricant or desire prevents it. No loving male partner would expect or want their partner to suffer this way.

I suspect women who haven’t experienced excruciating pain h

I am proud of you because you still remember that you are strong and independent woman. He couldn't take it from you anyway!

Many years ago when I was in my 40s I worked on a telephone chat line (aka sex line) and it gave me such an insight into the fragility of the male ego. Mostt men think its down to them to make it work in bed. The fact that it didnt will have cut him deeply into his pride.

Women have these kinds of conversations with one another. However men do not generally talk to their "mates" about this. They just bottle it up.

The posters who say that men often find it difficult to have these kinds of conversations with their partners are correct. It was easier for them to talk to a stranger, someone they do not know. I had many such conversations with men that I would never meet. So they were just a voice on the phone and I could be non judgemental.

I would do as some others have suggested. Dont avoid the man and go on with your usual routine. If you see him be friendly but dont try to draw him out . Let things go for a few weeks or maybe months. Then perhaps make a move to ask him for a coffee - emphasizing just as a friend.

Drawinggran

Thanks for this everyone.
I will send an email explaining that I would be very sad to lose our original friendship over something that just didn’t work as planned, and he knows where I am if he would like to resume what we enjoyed before. The balls in his court (could that be a very bad pun? It really wasn’t intended)
This would be the polite thing to do, and make me feel more in control, it’s up to him if he responds.
In the meantime I shall see my practice nurse to discuss this. Good to know I’m not alone.

That sounds eminently sensible. Well done.

No humiliation needed. YOU did nothing wrong - your body let you down, that is all, and a trip to the GP makes sense.

I guess he did not feel to great to have "caused" you pain.

DerbyshireLass

Sorry if this is tmi but I agree that after menopause our bodies change, also if you add in a long period of sexual abstinence then yes vaginal atrophy is definitely a thing,

And it's no one's fault - it's a biological fact.

However we are lucky we don't have to suffer in silence like our mothers and grandmothers did. We can and should take steps to combat atrophy and to ensure we maintain vaginal health as long as possible, whether we are sexually active or not. Atrophy can lead to all sorts of complications so it's best avoided.

I agree. I had several hospital appointments after a pmb which terrified ( my doctor fast tracked me) me only to find out it was atrophy which is what I thought it was but no one mentioned it. I used Replens afterwards. I used to get terrible cystitis, too.

Sorry if this is tmi but I agree that after menopause our bodies change, also if you add in a long period of sexual abstinence then yes vaginal atrophy is definitely a thing,

And it's no one's fault - it's a biological fact.

However we are lucky we don't have to suffer in silence like our mothers and grandmothers did. We can and should take steps to combat atrophy and to ensure we maintain vaginal health as long as possible, whether we are sexually active or not. Atrophy can lead to all sorts of complications so it's best avoided.

It's takes two to tango he is maybe embarrassed about it. However avoiding you is making you insecure as if it's all your fault. I actually think that's immature he needs to man up! It is not your fault so dust yourself down and carry on with your life. It was an experience you and plenty of other people have at some point. Don't dwell on it just enjoy your life as you choose too.

BlueBelle

Shinamae me too….. cobwebs

????

Good luck. A dignified email may be just the thing.

So let me know how it turns out . .x

^balls in his court^….not a bad pun at this time of the year Drawinggran ?
All the best for the future.

Thanks for this everyone.
I will send an email explaining that I would be very sad to lose our original friendship over something that just didn’t work as planned, and he knows where I am if he would like to resume what we enjoyed before. The balls in his court (could that be a very bad pun? It really wasn’t intended)
This would be the polite thing to do, and make me feel more in control, it’s up to him if he responds.
In the meantime I shall see my practice nurse to discuss this. Good to know I’m not alone.

You do not know what the other likes -

Another tmi - the first time you have sex with a person can be incredibly awkward
You do not like what the other likes, you want to satisfy your partner and you are worried you may not....

I agree Violet.

OP, worried this is TMI but trying to be practical here.... if you want to enjoy sex you will definitely need some form of lubrication or help from the doctor and you could use erm... toys to help you feel comfortable again because we do have muscles down there and they can tense up when we are nervous.

If you aren't really worried about sex then focus on looking for companionship

Sorry, sent before finished x
Then I would say he most certainly is NOT worth the worry you are putting yourself through, in fact, he has shown his true colours ( IF that was the case ) and you are well shut of him ....
But you need to communicate first....

Sorry you are going through all this .....

Don't load yourself down with the worry of it all, its an automatic reaction to think bad and put all the blame on yourself, contact him, talk to him, explain to him your deep rooted feelings.

He may not have turned up to meet you due to his own feeling being on the negative, you wont know unless you contact him.

If if, if the lack of his presence at your coffee meet up WAS purely down to sex then I would say he most cert

Just another thought, I am older than you (83) and realised about 10 years ago that I was uncomfortably dry 'down there'. At that time we used to actually see our GPs in the surgery so I did mention this problem to aa nice lady doctor who said it was so common as to be 'normal' and promptly gave me a prescription for pessaries to insert twice a week.
Even if you don't have a sex life, like me, the comfort this brings is fantastic.
I didn't realise anything was wrong until it was better, and I'd urge anyone who's past the menopause to consider this.
(Amazon sell creams if you don't want to ask a GP) Just try it.

I am so sorry, I think he was embarrassed too. My husband died in 2016 and I had a bleed a few years later - apparently my 'v', whatever the acceptable term is, is showing signs of 'atrophy'. I looked it up and it is normally after the menopause due to a drop in oestrogen - inflammation, dryness, and thinning of the tissue. I had a smear the following year and found it very painful.

There are lots of things you can get to help, I'm sorry he didn't give you a chance to discuss it.