How to get out of a marriage

If you are really unhappy then you will have to compromise to find your freedom. The most obvious way is not to provide free childcare which keeps you from being independently happy. In the long run nobody will thank you for sacrificing your happiness to save them money.
What is it you are expecting to find if you leave your marriage? Are you hankering for love again? Can you define what is actually missing from your life? Do you think you might be depressed so everything seems worse than it is? Maybe chat to a counsellor to find ways of making the life you have more exciting and possibly rekindle the dying embers of your marriage. If you still want to leave, consult a divorce lawyer and find out what you might be entitled to.

I went back to work at 65 having taken early retirement..it was the best thing I've ever done. Sadly I've had a few health issues and I had to again retire, due to them, but with hindsight I know that I should have left my relationship and struck out on my own I wish now I had but it's sadly too late.

Start by contacting Citizen's Advice and Social Security and find out what you are entitled to if you leave, then get legal advice.

Can you prove that it was your money that paid off the mortgage?

Are you legally responsible for any of the debt he has incurred? Can you prove it is his debt, not yours?

If the house is sold when you divorce, will your assets be surrendered to pay his debts?

You need sound legal advice and talking to your bank might shed some light on your legal standing with regards to financial matters.

If you do not have a bank account in your own name that your pension is paid into, open one before you do anything else and have your pension deposited there.

Luckygirl3

He sounds a paragon of virtue compared with some husbands!

Is there no way of salvaging this relationship? Is it worth a try?

It may be (to quote Mumsnet) that he simply gives you the "ick." But looking at it all from the outside he is, as you say. a "good bloke" and the debts that are in his name seem to relate to joint projects - helping the children. They would have to be in his name as he is the earner.

Maybe it might be worth writing down what you DO want for your future - in other words approaching it all in a positive way - rather than concentrating on the shortcomings of the relationship. Once you have decided what you actually want you can talk with him about it - but do so in a concrete way - do not ask him to deal with vague dreams.

Is there someone else you have taken a shine to?

Life is one long compromise and it is important that you don't jump ship into something even less satisfactory than your current situation.

Christ no! There is no 3rd party!! I could not think of anything worse than that, it's just not me. Thank you all for your thoughts.

It seems to me you and your husband has somehow drifted apart and need to find ways to reconnect with one another.

You mentioned that you both live as friends now, separate beds, is this a contributory factor in your feeling so unhappy and wanting to leave your husband?

I hope you do not mind me asking this: Is your husband taking any form of medication? Normal medications like blood pressure pills and statin can kill a man’s libido, even give him erectile dysfunction but there is a way to resolve the problem.

If you were to leave your husband, it still does not resolve the problem of you feeling trapped because your ACs still expect you to provide free child care to your 5 grandchildren which in my opinion, is far too much.

Think carefully before you throw the towel in because your decision will have future financial repercussion to both you and your husband.

He sounds a paragon of virtue compared with some husbands!

Is there no way of salvaging this relationship? Is it worth a try?

It may be (to quote Mumsnet) that he simply gives you the "ick." But looking at it all from the outside he is, as you say. a "good bloke" and the debts that are in his name seem to relate to joint projects - helping the children. They would have to be in his name as he is the earner.

Maybe it might be worth writing down what you DO want for your future - in other words approaching it all in a positive way - rather than concentrating on the shortcomings of the relationship. Once you have decided what you actually want you can talk with him about it - but do so in a concrete way - do not ask him to deal with vague dreams.

Is there someone else you have taken a shine to?

Life is one long compromise and it is important that you don't jump ship into something even less satisfactory than your current situation.

Urmstongran

Could you go for a stroll together and really talk about how you feel? He’s probably not happy either with huge debts hanging over him? Maybe work out what you could both do to make you both happy? Perhaps sell the house, pay off the debts and buy a flat or similar. A caravan even. You can’t buy peace of mind and it’s so precious.

Start afresh for this next chapter in your lives and then share any decision with your adult children, giving them plenty of time to sort out their childcare needs if a move would affect them. You could even give them a small amount of money from the sale of your house to ease the shock of the transition.

You’ve been together a long time (same as us). You have an enormous amount of shared history and will know one another inside out after all these years. I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water at this stage. I’d fully try to explore all avenues open to you both. Really communicate you’ve nothing to lose and a lot to gain if you both put your cards on the table. You both deserve to be happier.

Good luck anyway, whatever you decide.

A very eloquent post Urms. Sensible and practical. And probably their best option.

Here's how I manage financially Hollyhock (divorced years ago). I had some money from sale of our house and bought a cottage but couldn't afford to run it. Sold it and used the money to rent whilst working as a cleaner till retirement (too traumatised to go back to original job), now survive only on state pension. I get housing benefit but it doesn't cover all my rent so there's not much left over for luxuries, eg can't afford to run a car. I'm happy though. Suggest you do some maths and work out what you could buy with half the sale of your home (less half the debt if you feel you should pay that) or what it would cost you to rent, what benefits you could get (I don't pay for dental treatment or council tax due to low income). You will need to work to fill the gaps. It's tough if you have little money so you'd need to really feel that it's worth giving up what you have at the moment. All the best in making your decision.

Thanks again all. The debts are in his name, but quite rightly are my responsibility too, as was said above. These are 2 loans from reputable high street banks which in 4yrs will be gone, but until then it's £650/month in total. I do a monthly budget of incomings/outgoings and all things are covered. These are our only debts. The situation isn't about money as it is now. It was more to do with how women manage financially if they leave their spouse. We live comfortably and the childcare x5 littles is a labour of love- a paid job would be easier!! I do have a self employed side hustle, it doesn't pay very well and I try to do it when there are no children here - it's an online translating service for a firm, so with small pension I am contributing to the household budget. Thinking cap is well & truly on.

While the debts might be in his name they sound like joint responsibility. How about suggesting that your adult children arrange childcare and get some paid employment?If you had more income then perhaps your life could be enriched, it would certainly give you more options. When your children find out the true cost of childcare they may opt to pay you instead. It does seem unrealistic to look at divorce when there's literally no money to live on.

I agree with V3ra.

I think that it would be unfair if you left him with the debts, given that you gave most of the money to your children ?
The debts might be in his name but from what you say they were a joint decision.

I'd suggest that rather than looking how to get out of the marriage you look at how to get out of being committed to providing so much free childcare.
Sort some child-free days, find a job, earn some money so that you and your husband between you can clear your debts and have some fun times together ?
I think you owe it to each other to give that a try first.

Do you love your husband? Would you really be happier if you were divorced?

I think you should sit down together and have a serious conversation with him. It is so easy to get into a rut and life becomes very boring. Having a debt hanging over you doesn't help either.

Do you do anything together other than watch TV maybe. I think it is so easy to slide into being room mates instead of husband and wife. Could you go out together, even if it is just for a walk. Just for a change of scenery and to get out of the house. Try to reconnect with one another. He might be feeling exactly the same way.

Could you renegotiate the childcare hours and get a part time job - as others have suggested. I am sure you son or daughter would understand.

I should be taking this advice myself as I am in a very similar position

Are our children paying anything towards child care? Even a little bit would help you.

Supermarket jobs are not to be sneezed at, I went to our local store, asked for a job application form at the service desk, got a checkout job and never looked back.
Some of my more snobby friends were horrified, but there's a lot more to it than sliding bar codes across a reader believe me. Even lowly shelf stacking has more to it than you thinkMost of all its quite sociable and there are events you can join in with, or not, you make a lot of friends. You will be expected to do one 'unsociable-hours) shift, maybe Sunday or a late finish (10pm). I worked part time, 15hrs a week but the hours can be tweaked once you're in the job.
Only drawback pay is just a few pence above minimum wage. But I really enjoyed the job and worked until I was 77.

Sorry that you’re unhappy and in a rut, Hollyhock1. It sounds to me that you’re bored with the mundanity of your lifestyle, but not of your husband. Apart from finding a job, it would be an idea to firstly discuss your disillusionment with your husband, who might be unaware of your feelings, especially as he’s still working. You could do this during your dog walk or maybe book a table for dinner one evening and tell him how you feel. Small steps are required, not a huge dramatic life change, at this stage. Best wishes.

I think you should really try to have an honest talk with your husband. You say he’s a good man and you care for him, that is a lot to build on. You trust him and he’s a family man, there are more plus’s than minus’s. You are in a rut and not giving yourself a chance, your baby sitting is good up to a point but you need time for yourself, to be you, for you and your husband to connect more. Maybe downsizing and clearing your debts might be an option, perhaps a good break just you and your husband, only you know if by ending up with half of everything can make you happy. What sort of place can you get with half of everything once you have paid off the debt? You will still be child minding, little time for yourself you need to honestly appraise your options and make some changes.

Do you love him ? Surely that’s the point.

I think it would be worth both of you seeing if the relationship is saveable.

Thank you each & every one of you. My husband is a good bloke - the problem is me & my feelings. He's not a gambler, nor a drinker, nor a criminal- he has 2 separate debts (personal loans) - his in name. We found ourselves struggling in the first lockdown, had to live on savings to make up his furlough wages. He took out loans after this period - and tbh we gave most of the funds away to our AC to give them a hand. You live & learn! He earns 34k a year - so not low but not high. We live comfortably as we live in a very cheap part of the UK. We dont do much together apart from a daily dog walk. He works 5 days a week and I'm busy with the grandchildren. It's all very mundane. We've been together since the age of 16.

Hi there, there are ways and means ....

Can you work? If not there are benefits you can claim. You can claim also if on a low income with work. You are entitled to half the house so would have somewhere to live if you sold and split it (depending on where in the country you live)

Depending on your age there's state pension and pension credit ... don't really know enough to advise, but what I do suggest is that you make an appointment to speak with Citizens Advice as they would be able to advise on your options .... good luck x

I think this is quite common I know of a couple of ladies who feel like you do, would love to get out but have no means ( their words) of not being able to move out because no money and they don’t work. I think I would be talking to my husband if it was me and laying the cards on the table, he could be feeling the same,a lot depends if you love him doesn’t it, I would never want to stay in a unhappy marriage in fact I tried everything with my first marriage nothing changed and I left, best thing I ever did, married to a wonderful man now for a long time, it’s great your Ac think the world of their father but they aren’t you are they, so completely different scenario

Your AC children think the world of their father which is lovely Hollyhock but if you are really unhappy, you need to make decisions based on what's the best thing for you, not them.

I hope you'll talk this over with your H. The solution maybe a lot simpler and easier than you imagine.

I divorced 1995 with two little children my husband was living a double life. I got the house outright and I took on the debts (he acquired) living the life.

Your husband is probably in a rut and not on his own with debt. Can he not pay the debt with minimal amount each month it will ease the burden of debt. You could get a job as suggested it’s extra money you will make friends too.

Your marriage may not be the most exciting but it doesn’t sound appalling or abusive just mundane. You can alter it by making changes to your routine. Consider the hours you are childminding to accommodate a job do it for you.

Some flexibility in your lifestyle maybe all you need to enhance your life. Talk to your family you are not invisible and you have a right to alter things to suit you.

That is why I asked, I doubt someon on a clearly very modest income would be allowed to take on £26,000 of car finance.