How to get out of a marriage

Please talk to a divorce lawyer

Best of luck and congrats

so why do you want to leave.
it doesn't sound too bad.

You need to get some expert advice Hollyhock. If your husband has any private pension funds you may be entitled to a share, or an increased share of the proceeds of the sale of the house if you agree not to go after any private pensions he has. Also the fact you used your pension lump sum to clear the remainder of your mortgage might mean you're entitled to more than half of the value of the marital home.

Have you talked to your husband about how you're feeling? Are you sure that ending the marriage is what you really want? Could it be that you're in a rut and that there are changes you and your husband could make together?

The answer might be to go back to work. Not easy at your age but if you're in good health, something to check out.

Thank you all, lots to think about here. Like I said, we're not well off financially, never have been, always got by ok though, he has no private pensions at all, but that's not the problem. I've thought about returning to work and actually did so some years ago, then GC came along and now I care for them whilst their parents work. I suppose I (we) are in a rut. It's an impossibility really as I have nowhere to live, other than my home, no savings to fall back on, so it's probably a case of carrying on regardless. My adult children would never forgive me they think the world of him.

Ho Hollyhock. Just wondering if there are ways that you can do things to enrich your own life in the short term? Cheap stuff like joining a community choir, taking up a hobby that absorbs you when you feel the loneliness of being together but not.

Hi Hollyhock I agree with Ali23 if you could get into something like a book club or any sort of dance class something for yourself you sound board with life looking after GC can be draining as well good luck in what you decided to do it could be lonely if you leave ??

welbeck

so why do you want to leave.
it doesn't sound too bad.

She feels trapped. Husband has debts. She’s unhappy and young enough to enjoy a new life. “It doesn’t sound too bad” why waste life on “not too bad”??

Could you go for a stroll together and really talk about how you feel? He’s probably not happy either with huge debts hanging over him? Maybe work out what you could both do to make you both happy? Perhaps sell the house, pay off the debts and buy a flat or similar. A caravan even. You can’t buy peace of mind and it’s so precious.

Start afresh for this next chapter in your lives and then share any decision with your adult children, giving them plenty of time to sort out their childcare needs if a move would affect them. You could even give them a small amount of money from the sale of your house to ease the shock of the transition.

You’ve been together a long time (same as us). You have an enormous amount of shared history and will know one another inside out after all these years. I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water at this stage. I’d fully try to explore all avenues open to you both. Really communicate you’ve nothing to lose and a lot to gain if you both put your cards on the table. You both deserve to be happier.

Good luck anyway, whatever you decide.

No advice but just wanted to say I really hope you manage to get out of your marriage. You sound so unhappy

If you leave you are going to need to get a job, so why not get one now, it gets you out of the house and mixing with others. When I took early retirement I got a supermarket job wages are basic but very good socially, lots of chatty regular customers. Plenty of part time shifts, many of us are well off choosing to work because we want to.

Lots of older couples have separate beds, even rooms, don’t go through a divorce and end up lonely and worse off

talk to your husband.....he may feel exactly the same as you, say you're fed up....and if the free child care you provide is tying you down tell the parents you don't want to do it anymore... not easy I know.

Urmstongran and Katie excellent constructive advice from you both. Good to see. Hope it will help OP.

Why does he have this great burden of debt that is his and not yours?

M0nica

Why does he have this great burden of debt that is his and not yours?

Might just be car finance, hope it’s not gambling or anything unpleasant.

That is why I asked, I doubt someon on a clearly very modest income would be allowed to take on £26,000 of car finance.

I divorced 1995 with two little children my husband was living a double life. I got the house outright and I took on the debts (he acquired) living the life.

Your husband is probably in a rut and not on his own with debt. Can he not pay the debt with minimal amount each month it will ease the burden of debt. You could get a job as suggested it’s extra money you will make friends too.

Your marriage may not be the most exciting but it doesn’t sound appalling or abusive just mundane. You can alter it by making changes to your routine. Consider the hours you are childminding to accommodate a job do it for you.

Some flexibility in your lifestyle maybe all you need to enhance your life. Talk to your family you are not invisible and you have a right to alter things to suit you.

Your AC children think the world of their father which is lovely Hollyhock but if you are really unhappy, you need to make decisions based on what's the best thing for you, not them.

I hope you'll talk this over with your H. The solution maybe a lot simpler and easier than you imagine.

I think this is quite common I know of a couple of ladies who feel like you do, would love to get out but have no means ( their words) of not being able to move out because no money and they don’t work. I think I would be talking to my husband if it was me and laying the cards on the table, he could be feeling the same,a lot depends if you love him doesn’t it, I would never want to stay in a unhappy marriage in fact I tried everything with my first marriage nothing changed and I left, best thing I ever did, married to a wonderful man now for a long time, it’s great your Ac think the world of their father but they aren’t you are they, so completely different scenario

Hi there, there are ways and means ....

Can you work? If not there are benefits you can claim. You can claim also if on a low income with work. You are entitled to half the house so would have somewhere to live if you sold and split it (depending on where in the country you live)

Depending on your age there's state pension and pension credit ... don't really know enough to advise, but what I do suggest is that you make an appointment to speak with Citizens Advice as they would be able to advise on your options .... good luck x

Thank you each & every one of you. My husband is a good bloke - the problem is me & my feelings. He's not a gambler, nor a drinker, nor a criminal- he has 2 separate debts (personal loans) - his in name. We found ourselves struggling in the first lockdown, had to live on savings to make up his furlough wages. He took out loans after this period - and tbh we gave most of the funds away to our AC to give them a hand. You live & learn! He earns 34k a year - so not low but not high. We live comfortably as we live in a very cheap part of the UK. We dont do much together apart from a daily dog walk. He works 5 days a week and I'm busy with the grandchildren. It's all very mundane. We've been together since the age of 16.

I think it would be worth both of you seeing if the relationship is saveable.

Do you love him ? Surely that’s the point.

I think you should really try to have an honest talk with your husband. You say he’s a good man and you care for him, that is a lot to build on. You trust him and he’s a family man, there are more plus’s than minus’s. You are in a rut and not giving yourself a chance, your baby sitting is good up to a point but you need time for yourself, to be you, for you and your husband to connect more. Maybe downsizing and clearing your debts might be an option, perhaps a good break just you and your husband, only you know if by ending up with half of everything can make you happy. What sort of place can you get with half of everything once you have paid off the debt? You will still be child minding, little time for yourself you need to honestly appraise your options and make some changes.