Relationship with DIL

You are right. I guess I assumed that most adults these days know politics are off limits at family functions. He is 39 years old. And his comment came on the heels of his mother saying Covid is a hoax, to which I replied “well a million people did die” and then I turned away. It’s so hard to hold your tongue in the face of such hate and ignorance.

Obviously my son is in the middle. And I hate that. He was there and is on my side but says that if I want a good relationship with her I need to apologize. Refusing to talk other than thru texts which I refuse to do means we are at an impasse.

In hindsight, I 100% agree. His reaction stunned me.

She said “I will not talk to you”. I have vowed not to text with her so here we are.

Thanks everyone. It takes time to give advice and I appreciate it. Things have been tense with my DIL for awhile. To answer the questions
1. He had been drinking and ate an edible before I got there.
2. I babysit my two grandkids on Tuesday/Thur
3. He brought up the subject
4. My hypothetical question to his view on transgender children def enraged him. (I was stunned)
5. My DIL told him to “tone it down” several times and that made it MUCH WORSE.
6. For those of you that think we should have a face to face talk, she refuses.

I would let it lie but not to long, then apologise for responding to her brother. Is it possible to ring her up in a couple of weeks and ask to see her, or maybe just turn up. The longer it goes on you could have estrangement and she holds all the cards. I wouldn’t do it for anyone else. I tried everything with my d and apologised even though I didn’t know what for, but she didn’t want to know. Hopefully that won’t be the case for you. I do hope it gets sorted.

As an incredibly opinionated person (for an introvert) I completely understand how hard it is to bite your tongue...

But with family, I'd stand on my tongue if I had too...

I would just apologise for your part then leave it there

Hope things settle down soon

It's a very odd subject to bring up at a baby's party. I guess he doesn't have children then? It may be better just to say I'm sorry my question upset your brother to help your poor son who is stuck in the middle. Without knowing what your "what if" question was, none of us can really tell if it justifiably annoyed the brother.
At all my GC parties I am so busy rushing around helping children with games, doing music, helping with food etc that deep conversations tend to centre round soft plays, swimming pools, baby activities and now football (though that could potentially cause a rumpus!). Families can cause such a lot of angst!

Ok. Here goes. My “what if” question was “what if your daughter comes home one day and says ‘dad, I want a penis”?

? you dived in there!

Flowers by post and a heartfelt apology. After all you are genuinely sorry for the relationships going so skewwhiff.
The heartfelt apology will be an investment in a good relationship going forward with your son (caught in the middle), your daughter in law and your grandchild.

DillytheGardener

Discussions of gender politics should have been left at home for a one year olds party. That’s both of you at fault, he shouldn’t have brought it up and when he was ranting that would have been a good idea to say excuse me I must pop to the loo, and steer the conversation away from politics on your return.

Was alcohol involved? My son and DH used to get into rows thanks to a mix of booze and DH baiting my son with rubbish he reads in the Daily Mail/Sun and my son taking the bait and reacting angrily every time.

My advice, apologise for your side of it, say that you shouldn’t have entered a discussion with him about it, and broke your own rule about discussing politics at parties. No more is needed to be said, and don’t take blame for all of it, just your share of it.

I know it’s hard apologising but much better than falling out with your dil and by extension your son and gc.
She’ll be upset her brother that she loves, left during what should have been any proud mother’s special day celebrating her daughters 1st birthday, you only get to do that once.

Just what I was going to say.

Hi Millertime. I hadn’t read your replies when I posted just now (shows you should read first!) In the circumstances, might it not be better to apologise for your side by text?

Is it okay to apologize like this?
“I’m sorry Eric reacted to my comment that way. I didn’t know how upset it would make him. Good rule from here on out: No one brings up anything political and slips are to be ignored.”

Probably not Miller, your first sentence isn’t an apology, it one for someone else’s behavior which you can’t control so it’s meaningless. If you apologize you should apologize for your own actions, that is the honorable way. Now whether or not the honorable way would be accepted as “good enough” I don’t know. I would suggest you say something like “I made a huge mistake when I replied to your brother with what would obviously make him further upset. Without realizing at the time, I put my desire to ‘get one over’ on him above your daughters (and both yours and my sons) need for an as peaceful and fun as possible first birthday party. Truly, I am so sorry to have disrupted her big day, my apologies.”

That might be a little extra sorry or at least more than you’d like it to be but I think it’s pretty solid, and it covers several bases too. That you are sorry for your actions, you should have realized, how you contributed, what price was paid, etc. If the apology I’ve written is not well (or at least neutrally) received, well….that’s another matter for another day

Millertime

Is it okay to apologize like this?
“I’m sorry Eric reacted to my comment that way. I didn’t know how upset it would make him. Good rule from here on out: No one brings up anything political and slips are to be ignored.”

Uh, no.

What you should apologize for was contributing to the issue at your granddaughter’s first birthday party. Absolutely not the time nor place.

Yes, her brother sounds like a complete ass, but you added to the conflict.

Neither of you come out great, arguing high conflict topics at a first birthday party.

That is not an apology. You take no responsibility for your part. You're blame shifting and trying to sweep it under the rug with a new rule.

Looking for elderly advice. I babysit 2 grandchildren 5 & almost 2. This is 5 to 6 days a week 10 hours a day. I happen to have lived with my son when my husband passed 12 years ago and all was fine. I got an announcement stating he was getting married and I had to give him away according to his fiancée s customs overseas. Well, I did and was surprised I had to pay a bride price, my DIL’s gown and accessories my sons suit some of the party food and an extra set of attire for both. That was the first issue but I had no problem helping. When we came back, (my DIL had to wait a year for paperwork to clear) my son &I got an apartment & all was fine. Long story short, I’m still with them now cleaning and babysitting and I have no time for myself. I had to give up my new car before going overseas as well. So now, I’m expected to play chauffeur dropping off and picking up my grandson from school and my DIL from work. This is too much cos I still have to drag my 1 yr old granddaughter around back & forth. I don’t get paid for anything but rather I pay 85% of my small retirement to the apt & power bill. I am stressed, I need glasses and I have problems with ankles and feet. Should I be responsible for doing the driving? I’m a two time widow on the verge of running. (67)

Time to put yourself first, I think.
There is no reward for martyrdom, so ensure your own needs are taken into account.

A man protecting his daughter.

And a woman protecting her niece.

Thank you Miss Adventure. I appreciate your input. My mind just isn’t for strong thinking lately with all their stress. I felt I was living their life & not mine.

Why not take a first small step, and sort out your new glasses?
It may give you the impetus to start gradually making more time for yourself.

You might like to know that Outside Clinic do eye tests and bringing the glasses and fitting them at home.

LINK > www.outsideclinic.co.uk/

i don't think Songbird5 is in the uk.

MissAdventure
That’s exactly the first thing I will and need to do. Gotta start somewhere and my eyes will feel better I’m sure.
Thanks again for your input