No desire and my husband

Good points, Luckygirl

However, they are both 60, not 90 and sex is not just about procreation.

Excellent post Luckygirl.

Your DH wants a loving relationship with you, Lemon, not just physical sex with someone else.
I agree that a sex therapist could help you.

I know that women do find him attractive and compared to most men of his age he would be quite a catch.

There's your answer, OP.
Are you prepared to lose him to someone else because you are reluctant to seek help?

What a brilliant post Luckygirl

Why on earth would you risk loosing what sounds like a wonderful man by suggesting he seeks fulfillment elsewhere. Good heavens. Have you tried reading or watching porn to perhaps stimulate yourself and get into the mood. Watch it together. Try online or go to a shop that sells erotica creams etc that might help. Plan a trip to a sex therapist even if it is further afield. Try anything but don't send your husband out to look for comfort elsewhere.

Excellent posts Luckygirl

Above all else you must not feel that you are lacking, unsatisfactory, to be blamed, disappointed in yourself etc. - nowt wrong with that needs fixing! It is just a matter of finding a balance between you.

It is very difficult to resolve such challenges, as to some extent they arise from the natural decline in hormones as women age. It is tough to feel guilty about something that is not of your making. It is just what life has chucked at you.

A mismatch of libido is very common at this stage of life and deciding what to do about it is a challenge. Women have passed their child-bearing years and a high libido has no survival function, whereas men in the wild are able to rampage about fathering children till they drop.

Is your OH able to deal with intimacy at a cuddling level without wanting to get your knickers off? If not then this throws another major loss into your lives - not being able to give him a hug without him expecting it to lead to sex. So .... two losses.

Under no circumstances should you ever have sex that you do not want - that is wholly wrong in principle, so the old solution of "lie back and think of England" is not an acceptable option.

Please take comfort from the fact that this is a very common dilemma for couples at this age. I use the word dilemma deliberately, because it feels unacceptable to turn something that is natural into a problem. Drops in hormone levels are absolutely normal - what is not natural is the fact that we all live longer now so we hit this problem that would previously have been solved by shuffling off this mortal coil. As someone once said about periods: we would not normally have these as women would have been pregnant, breast-feeding or dead!

I really do not think that in a loyal partnership sanctioned infidelity is the way to go - it would undermine your relationship. But, whilst you should not be doing anything sexually that you do not wish to do, your OH does need to know that you do understand and that you do care; but he also needs to know that you cannot do something that you are not enjoying and most normal men would not be able to take pleasure in this either.

You need to find a level of intimacy that is tolerable/acceptable/pleasurable to both of you so that you can maintain a closeness in your relationship without you feeling obliged to do anything that you are not happy about.

You have shared memories, shared history and lots to keep you together and contented in your later years and this does not need to destroy that. You both need to look in detail at what your relationship DOES give you both, rather than allowing this one area of your relationship to loom large in your future together and to become a huge negative. .

Swallowing hormones or bunging on creams are not always the answer, as they are genital-focussed when what is needed is a relationship focus - finding ways of creating a new relationship in response to changed circumstances - just as you probably did when children arrived.

I saw this in my professional life and it can be resolved with goodwill on both sides. It is a situation that can foster resentments: "she is withholding sex to be a pain in the arse"; or "if he really cared about me he would stop grabbing at me all the time." It has to be resolved at a relationship level before those resentments build up.

Hope some of this is helpful!

yes, I concur!

Just to follow on from some of the other valued suggestions. I have consulted my GP, but a) the surgery where I live is just awful and they're not much interested in such "lifestyle" matters, as they see them; and b) when I did try a more localised potential solution, it had no effect whatsoever.

I am indeed inclined to look at a specialist therapist and see if they may have potential solutions. If I go in with low expectations, I may be surprised and transformed into the woman I once was

I wanted to say thank you OP, this is an important topic really and it is good to be able to discuss these things.

I have watched my sex drive dwindle at times through hormonal imbalance due to illness or hormonal issues.

This does matter

Thank-you for your responses. I can confirm this is a genuine post and I feel a little hurt and puzzled by those who think it is some schoolboy prank or an unsuitable topic to raise.

I would indeed be tentative and rather worried about giving my husband the green light to seek an alternative arrangement - we both love each other dearly and while I do not think he would use our lack of intimacy as an ultimatum, I can see how it must be unfair on him. But, as far as I am aware he has never strayed during our marriage (I certainly haven't!). He may find even the thought abhorrent, but I just wanted to see how others on here may have dealt with this sort of situation, which is not something that has ever faced me before. And I just don't know what to do for the best.
Thank-you again

VioletSky

Go to your doctor, see if there is any more...localised... treatments you can try.

It must be so hard for you both but I don't think looking outside of the relationship is the answer

It must be so hard for you both but I don't think looking outside of the relationship is the answer.

I agree. That adds another dimension to the problem, and if he is looking for a more "intimate and fulfilling" relationship with his wife, then he might well find it with another woman - permanently. Especially as she thinks he's a "good catch".

And anyway, women are not there just to be used as a sex-service for frustrated husbands who then go back to the comfort of their own homes, until they feel the 'urge' again.

That idea is all kinds of wrong. IMO, of course.

GagaJo

I thought it seemed genuine too.

It sounds genuine to me.

Go to your doctor, see if there is any more...localised... treatments you can try.

It must be so hard for you both but I don't think looking outside of the relationship is the answer

I suggest you do as H's suggested and see a sex therapist. You've nothing to lose and if it doesn't help at least he'll know that you're aware of how difficult this is for him.

Unless you're prepared to risk losing this understanding and considerate man, then I wouldn't recommend him seeking relief else where.

GagaJo

I thought it seemed genuine too.

So did I.

I thought it seemed genuine too.

I too am surprised by the posters who do not think this is genuine.
What a cynical lot we are.
I have heard of this problem in other couples I know so do not find it surprising.
Why not try the therapist. I would have thought anything is worth trying and the remark about letting him go is nonsense. Is sex all there is to marriage then?

Hiraeth

No comment . Post should be removed

... just out of interest - why?

Is it because you think the post is not genuine - or that older women don't have / or shouldn't have a sex life? Or that if they have a sex life it shouldn't be discussed?

I'm genuinely puzzled...

If your body is not interested now your hormones have changed then not a lot you can do IMO, and no amount of feeling guilty is going to change that.
I would say no to letting him go with other women.
Try building on what is good in your relationship and cherish what you do have.

Good idea Esspee but it can be calamitous. Better idea would be to hire a professional sex worker who would be less likely to disrupt the marriage.

I feel sorry for your husband and unless you are willing to seek help perhaps setting him free to find someone more compatible would be a kindness.

HowdidIget this old12 Don't worry. There are a lot of elderly grans on here who cannot imagine any woman writing about such a topic. To me the post rang true, I have heard the situation spoken about often.

PS polyamory sex is even more sexually complicated than couples sex so avoid if you can.