No desire and my husband

Well said oldnproud. More to life and love etc

Oldnproud

If you have gone off sex AND it has become extremely painful, and creams/lubrication/ topical oestrogen etc., have not helped, then these tips will not be welcome.

Once you reach this stage, suggesting that you watch porn to 'get you in the mood' is about as useful as telling someone who has become disabled that they should watch the Olympics if they want to regain their mobility!

But one day, somebody might come up with something that works. Where there's life, there's hope!

Well, I have read the post from MissLemon and cant understand why anyone would think its not genuine!

My view in it is, I totally understand you MissLemon, the menopause turns our world upside down in alllll manner of ways.

Personally for me, the thought of my husband seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere, would remain just that, a thought, I would not open THAT can of worms I mean you have a lot of problems as it is, without adding to them and it certainly ( in my view ) add weight to the already heavy weight that is being carried.

Saying all that, I really do not know which road you should go down with this situation, but I'd certainly say not the uneven, dangerous road that will only lead to a mangled mess....

I wish you allll the very very best with this, its evident you want to deal with this by putting it out there for help.

All the best.

Have you seen Davina McCall’s documentary about the menopause? It could be lack of testosterone that makes your libido low. Unfortunately many GP’s will not entertain prescribing it to help.

If you have gone off sex AND it has become extremely painful, and creams/lubrication/ topical oestrogen etc., have not helped, then these tips will not be welcome.

Once you reach this stage, suggesting that you watch porn to 'get you in the mood' is about as useful as telling someone who has become disabled that they should watch the Olympics if they want to regain their mobility!

kircubbin2000

If you've gone off sex these tips will not be welcome!

I've gone off sex but tips are still welcome. Everybody is different.

If you've gone off sex these tips will not be welcome!

CORRECTION
"look but don't touch" is definitely NOT the instruction here

For anyone unsure as to what "Deserts Disease" it is wandering palms

Like aonk, we both do things that the other enjoys more than the individual, if it brings pleasure to our partner.m
As we age, we all slow down, and don't do the things that we used to.
As a loving couple, we want to give our partners pleasure, not just having it for ourselves.
Remember that men are essentially visual, so let him see you in pretty undies. Let him help to take them off.
Let him see you in all your glory, as no doubt, you have in the past.
His having an attack of "Deserts Disease" may be enjoyable for both of you.
"Look but don't touch" is definitely the instruction here.
Rekindle some of the fun, different times and places .
Be experimental again!
Share time in the bath or shower.
PIV may no longer on the menu, but there is no reason why anything else cannot bring you both pleasure.
He may very well enjoy fondling you when you are lubricated.
You cannot be certain as to where things might lead
You both have hands and mouths so use them to pleasure each other.
The more pleasure that you can give each other, the more you are likely to want more.
Above all, tell each other what you enjoy, in detail, and then practice what you preach.
I hope that you reach a happy conclusion.

I love my husband very much. For him I often do things I don’t really feel like doing such as going on certain outings, watching certain programmes on tv, cooking meals and , yes, having sex. He loves me too and does things he doesn’t feel like doing for me as well. It works for us.

If you've lost interest I dont see the point of watching porn or using creams. If it's gone it's gone.

How do you know unless you try? That's a bit like saying I won't take antibiotics because they might cure me!

MissLemon just to wish you well. I had the same problem as you some years ago. I think it lasted for about 5 years and DHwas very understanding. Then my libido came back. Don’t know if it was to do with hormones sort of regulating but I have been fine ever since.
And please don’t be put off by people rubbishing your post, saying it is all made up.
I posted on here for advice about an acquaintance who had shown me an explicit video. Most replies were the ‘hands thrown up in horror’ sort, or the ‘this is ‘made up’.I was quite upset as I felt my integrity had been brought into question.
But one or two gave good advice and I thank them for that.
So good luck. I hope all works out for you.

Kircubbin, it's not a good idea to be content for husband to have sex with another woman unless perhaps she's a professional and disinterested.

When a man goes to bed with a woman who is attractive, after the sex he is in a sleepy stupor and she then she tempts him to think it's all so romantic and change partners permanently. Men are very susceptible to pillow talk.

If you've lost interest I dont see the point of watching porn or using creams. If it's gone it's gone.Once he understands this you can relax and your husband can decide how he will cope.
My friend did this and he found a married woman whose husband had lost interest so there was never any threat to the marriage and what the partners didn't know didn't hurt them.

Hopefully the frank discussion which happens on GN can move us forward, Iam64. There is an interesting post which is discussing the Vulva, incontinence etc which might be worth reading if you haven't already.
www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1313502-Viva-your-Vulva-in-Edinburgh?msgid=29531043

There is also a very good video to watch which is mentioned there. It was the first part of the video where she talked about incontinence which was relevant to ladies of a certain age although I found the parts about Transwoman interesting from a scientific point of view.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9ZNINhdhN0

I've realised how much incontinence makes me more anxious about sex.

Icanhandthemback - thanks for your post. I suspect many of us could have written it

The trouble with having sex with a man is solo orgasms may be much more fun. Most men can't wait to penetrate. Then they lack imagination.

I can believe your post is genuine and I find it rather sad that this is something that women of our age fear to discuss or tackle. I suspect many a good marriage goes down the pan because of the imbalance between libidos.
I find myself in much the same predicament. I do use HRT and topical HRT (which you may be able to use even if you can't use normal HRT) and sometimes Replens. However, with diabetes and every medication I take suppressing libido, I don't stand a chance!
I find that it is a vicious cycle. We go months without intimacy, affection is curtailed because DH hope for more and then when I feel I must make more effort, it is not terribly long lasting because of the pressure that has built up for DH! Lubrication is a must but it isn't the be all and end all. Gentle foreplay until you are really ready is important to relax the vagina and make it comfortable. Sometimes it has been so painful that now my husband has a problem because he doesn't want to hurt me. With his impotence and my lack of libido, we have come to a halt. Viagra hasn't helped him but I understand that it might help women so that may be worth a try.
For my part, I'd happily go without, he doesn't feel the same way but no longer pushes for sex as he worries about what will go wrong. My libido is further decreased by worrying it will go wrong for him. What a complete fiasco we have managed to find ourselves in! Maybe I should have a word with the GP and see if Viagra is the answer. I'm not embarrassed in discussing this (I don't have much of a filter!) but if you do, try e-consult and ask for it to be discussed by text or email.
I would never advise anybody to give their partner a free pass...that way lies heartbreak.

Luckygirl whereas men in the wild are able to rampage about fathering children till they drop.

This! Thank you for making me laugh out loud. In a good way and so true

Thank you Ms Derbyshire for being candid and making good suggestions, and for everyone else for their considered responses, (apart from the "school holiday" idiots)

Ok seeing how we have two posters experiencing similar issues here goes.

If you are offended by discussions about sex then please don't read any further.

Once you have ruled out any medical issues then I have read that the best place to start is to rediscover your own body, what gives you pleasure. And yes I do mean auto erotica. Just you, without a partner.

Masturbate every day for 7 days, whether you feel in the mood or not. Yes you read that right. You will learn what gives you pleasure, you will increase the blood flow to your vagina, you will retrain the muscles in your vagina which may not have been used for a while. You might need some lubricant.

The purpose of this is to retrain vagina to feel pleasure. You might have not have orgasms yet but stick with it. It will happen.

Then from there you can perhaps either experiment with toys or try experiencing pleasure with your husband. Don't rush to have penetrative sex until you feel ready. You can give each other pleasure in many ways. If you are uncertain buy a good sex manual.

Give your self time, it's a marathon not a sprint.

Sorry if I've shocked anyone,

Good for you Miss Lemons. 60 is not old women should not be consigned to the scrap heap.

Can you see a different GP. I do think it's a good idea to rule out any medical/physical problems first. Just to be on the safe side.

Good luck, I hope you get the help you need.

I have this Problem also im 53 and have only been married for 3 years I just can't force myself to want something that I dont. Hopefully I might find some advice somewhere

Great post Luckygirl
I’m always surprised at the idea men have to have sex and it’s their wife’s duty to provide this no matter she no longer has any desire, or she may desire but have excruciating pain if penetration occurs. Like most loving couples, they’ve tried alternatives, didn’t enjoy it.
It’s possible to move into a sex free stage of life and remain emotionally intimate

However, they are both 60, not 90 and sex is not just about procreation. ...... but desire is hormonally associated with the biological imperative to reproduce. When that imperative has passed in women, then desire can wane under the influence of hormones - or lack of them - not because the person thinks that sex is just about procreation.

Sex is indeed not just about procreation, but if hormones cause it to no longer be desired or pleasurable, then the concept of it being about mutual pleasure goes down the pan.