Daughter’s Childhood

Maybe she isn't exaggerating though and has only just felt able to tell you what it was really like for her. Whilst there's nothing that you can do to alter the past, you can listen to what she has to say now.

It’s good to read your daughters are ‘friends now and grew into normal happy adults’. That suggests things were good enough/ok for all of them.
Have you tried to talk to the daughter who made the post? It may not help you or her if you suggest she is exaggerating. It’s how she felt at the time she posted. It may help to acknowledge that and tell her you feel guilty that you couldnt stop it.
You know your family, my suggestion may not be helpful,. Best wishes as you try to move on x

What did you do to stop the bullying and why was it unsuccessful?

My mother made me have my hair cut when I was eleven. I had plaits which had taken years to grow and I loved them but she was fed up with having to plait them for me every morning. I loathed school and my long hair gave me about the only sense of identity I had. I was given an awful 30s sort of hair cut which took more years to grow out, When I told her how much it had affected me about 20 years later she was horrified. She had just seen it as a hair cut

watermeadow I think it is really important that you listen to your daughter, really listen, and don't suggest exaggeration. She really needs to know that you accept how bad it was for her, that IS her perspective!. She needs to know that you know that you couldnt/didnt stop the bullying and that you are sorry that she went though this. She needs to know that you are proud of her and that you love her.

I think a lot of parents underestimated the" teasing" meted out by siblings and often the parents themselves
.It can scar deeply if you're told day after day for years on end that you have the "family nose" or legs like treetrunks
.
My mother thought it was funny when my sisters said these things but the very fact she had lovely complimentary nicknames for my sisters and not me was enough to leave me with image issues that have lasted a lifetime .
You need to take this seriously what you saw as a bit of bullying or banter clearly caused major problems for your daughter and quite why you couldn't stop it is a mystery ...surely as her mother she should have had your support ?
Apologise and try to explain why you did nothing about it,its the least you can do

I think Madgran77 has the right answer. Sometimes my daughter will come out with things and whilst it didn't seem that way at the time, I apologise for not realising she felt that way. Any attempt to justify myself only end in argument and I am genuinely sorry that I didn't always understand what was anxiety v bad behaviour.

DD said a whole lot of things to me once. I was not expected to say anything, so i didn't, but it struck me at the time that I accepted part of what she said, but part was quite simply inaccurate, some memories were plain wrong.

Over the ensuing weeks I discussed this individualy with both DH and DS, who both confirmed that a number of things she said were quite simply wrong and cited evidence to show it. Both cited the same evidence,even though I spoke to them separately.

This relieved my mind, but I have never tried to raise the matter with DD. These are her memories, no matter how wrong and inaccurate in places and she is convinced of them, so why stir up a hornets's nest by arguing over them? We have a close and fond relationship that this evening of attack has not damaged. I have just decided it to say nothing.

Chewbacca

Maybe she isn't exaggerating though and has only just felt able to tell you what it was really like for her. Whilst there's nothing that you can do to alter the past, you can listen to what she has to say now.

This

Unfortunately even though children grow up and change, problems in childhood leave scars.

Children go through many important stages of development that leave a lifetimes imprint.

Your daughter may be recognising now how this has impacted her in adult life.

She needs you to listen, acknowledge and support her while she heals.

Please listen

part was quite simply inaccurate, some memories were plain wrong

As HM so wisely said, ‘Recollections may vary’.

It's how it made her feel at the time. You recognising that and listening was important, even if you feel she was exaggerating,it's not about you but how qqit made her feel. Thankfully you all get on now, so she forgave her sister,and you for not stopping it. I do wonder why some people have to bully, I cannot understand it. Could it be jealousy?.

Watermeadow, I think your daughter craves your acknowledgement of her feelings. Please speak to her and reassure her.

Calendargirl I use this phrase, only for events which were family events and my memory of the event was corroborated by other family members present, usually by me mentioning the event but without saying my specific memories of it. I very carefully drew a line between those events, and those where I was entrely open to her interpretation or knew she was right. I fully accepted then as now that memory is fallible.

The problem is that DD has a very patchy and fallible memory and admits it. She will remember for years, a favorite dress from childhood, for example, and talk about it and then one day when someone mentions it, her mind is a complete blank and she cannot remember it, and can't even when shown a photograph and has never been able to recall it since. These memory lapses used to cause her real distress and there are now family memories, really lovely memories, which she cannot now remember and we no longer refer to when she is around, because it upsets her that she no longer has any memory of them.

But to return to the subject, I think these one off events are best treated for what they are, one off events, rather like the event described in another thread. They are triggered by a concatination of memories, and currents events in their lives at a given point and produce a sudden effusion of uncomfortable memories. At another time their view off the same subject may well be very different.Ask them whether they want to discuss the matter further and if they do not, let it lie.

My oldest daughter is a bit like this, she was into everything at school, she edited the school magazine, was part of the debating team, and very involved in the drama group. She had a wide circle of friends, male and female, did D of E, and always seemed happy and full of enthusiasm.
Now it turns out, we chose entirely the wrong school for her, it didn’t prepare her for university, or life in general, and basically it has held her back all her life.
I don’t know what to think, but I feel it’s more about blaming us for something, than her actual school experience.

My older sister has what we term ‘false memory syndrome. I won’t even begin to detail the imagined horrors of her childhood. I think part of growing up is letting go of your childhood and taking responsibility for yourself and the way you are. It’s easy to blame your parents/ family.

Humbertbear

My older sister has what we term ‘false memory syndrome. I won’t even begin to detail the imagined horrors of her childhood. I think part of growing up is letting go of your childhood and taking responsibility for yourself and the way you are. It’s easy to blame your parents/ family.

My sister has this. We were both damaged as children with our chaotic childhood and I have much sympathy for her as she has obviously struggled more than me. However, her memories are highly exaggerated and often just wrong. She talks about things that happened to me as if they'd happened to her. she embellishes her stories so much that you would think she grew up in a concentration camp. She has always been highly dramatic so we always expected a wondrous account of anything she did but this element about her childhood is now affecting her mental health which in turn has estranged her from most of her family including her children. It is horrible to watch and even more difficult to live with. At the moment I am hanging on to our relationship by the skin of my teeth for the sake of our mother but I'm not sure how long I can do this. She has spent a fortune of 'therapy' but it just makes it all worse with her feeling a bigger victim. Therapy only works if you are honest with your therapist.

Humbertbear the last part of your post sums up how I feel. I strongly believe that if someone has ruined your childhood you deserve it to yourself not to let it ruin your adulthood.

I too am with Humbertbear's last sentence. Unless you have a childhood of unremitting dreadfulness. Grow up and deal with it.

Look at the lives of the children who survived the the WW2 concentration and extermination camps in Germany, can you think of an experience, other than gross sexual abuse that compares with that? Yet so many have led normal lives, built happy families, had successful careers. I am sure those horrors never left them, but many never even told their children about them.

I think all of us can conjure a quite accurate misery childhood, if we concentrate on the downside and forget about everything that was good.

I agree with icanhandthemback and I suspect that a lot of what she says regarding her sister's recollections of their childhood being at variance with what it was actually like, is probably very common.

Humbertbear's taking responsibility for yourself and the way you are. It’s easy to blame your parents/ family are wise words.

Humbertbear

My older sister has what we term ‘false memory syndrome. I won’t even begin to detail the imagined horrors of her childhood. I think part of growing up is letting go of your childhood and taking responsibility for yourself and the way you are. It’s easy to blame your parents/ family.

Humbertbear, the term false memory syndrome is controversial, as you probably know. My work and personal life exposed me to descriptions of childhoods that aren’t borne out by others closely involved. For example 6 siblings, one of whom has memories of experiences the others either don’t remember or reject as being entirely different to their experiences of being parented in the same family

I’m assuming that your sister’s descriptions of her childhood have no resemblance to yours, or your memory of hers.
I,m familiar with the counter arguments about golden and scapegoated children. I do not dispute this happens. I’m sure though, that some people distort memories, or believe the narrative they develop to confirm their victim status. I don’t mean to cause offence to people who experienced abusive childhoods. I know too many of them to do that. But I believe we have to be open to dialogue, to listening rather than polarising,

False Memory Syndrome doesn't exist and is not recognised.

The only thing that exists is a foundation called False Memory Syndrome which was started up by parents whose daughter accused the father of sexual abuse.

They quickly gained power during to funding and support by other accused parents and despite no medical training, were able to influence court decisions on cases of sexual abuse and rape against the victim. This is terrifying for victims of abuse everywhere and opposed to feminism entirely.

Perceptions and memories may be different and ideas may even be implanted by abusive people but that is in no way a syndrome.

It truly dies frighten me that a condition that has no place in the DSM or any other literature is so widely believed in.

People can and do live in the same household and are impacted by things in different ways or sadly by hidden ways.

Refusing to listen and understand a family members pain often leads to estrangement.

The foundation itself is slowly disbanding. The UK faction still existed the last I checked but will soon be gone too, as it should be.

VioletSky, I wonder what you call it when a family member has completely false memories which suit the narrative. My sister will wax lyrical about how she and I were in care...we weren't ever. She denies her child was sexually abused and yet the police came to see me about it because I witnessed behaviour with my child which made me very concerned. The police were investigating what had happened with her child and we discussed it with them. I could go on and on but it doesn't help. I accept people have different perspectives so some of her feelings are very real to her even if she seemed happy at the time but the denial of truth or outright lies are more difficult to accept.

icanhandthemback

Let me start by saying I'm not qualified in any way, I've just read a lot so whether that counts I don't know

But I would consider

Trauma
Depression
Stress
PTSD
An abusive gaslighting third party

It's simply not a syndrome

False memories do not manifest in a healthy happy person from everything I have read on the subject

This is also why (good) therapists won't have anything to do with repressed memories, they run the risk of accidentally implanting ideas into someone's head

Thank you for answering, VioletSky. Interesting you should say good therapists don't work with repressed memories. The current therapist has suggested that my sister might have repressed memories of sexual abuse. Her mental health seems to have gone completely downhill with this particular therapist and I do wonder what is going on. However, for my own sanity, I have to try to remain distanced although not estranged.

Sometimes that's the only way, pur mental health matters too and people have to choose to help themselves..

As long as we support them when they do