Friendship meant nothing, obviously

I think if this had happened at the height of your ‘friendship’ when they used to call in every week I would have been very upset to not be told but as you say the friendship had dwindled through CoviD which was three years ago That
you d made phone calls which had petered out into nothing I think maybe you’re over expecting especially if it was a sudden or unexpected death, shock sets in, the brain goes to jelly and you probably wouldn’t be upmost in the one left behinds mind
You weren’t close friends any more like others have said maybe take some flowers around in a few weeks you were right to send a card
I hope it works out don’t take it too much to heart

Crazy. I got so carried away with my after death experience I forgot to say I agree with the others who suggest calling in with flowers after a few weeks and gradually make contact again. Im sure she’ll appreciate it and it’s then, after the funeral is over, that she’ll need more company

When DH died, despite having to deal with the Procurator Fiscal, police, funeral arrangements, filling in forms, umpteen (very welcome) visitors, children arriving from afar, preparing beds and finding accommodation for others, I managed to notify most people including old school friends here and abroad, ex work colleagues, friends from the past & present & family. It wasn’t hard to do and was part of the ‘dealing’ with things - the grieving process. Maybe I’m just a natural ‘coper’. I heard, 3 weeks after the event via Facebook, that my cousin had died; there were only 5 of us. I was not happy. I don’t understand how family can fail to inform family. It’s beyond my comprehension.

CrazyH
Sorry for the loss of your friend

Given the background, I do think you are misguided with your expectations.
This loss is mostly about your old friend's nuclear family, everybody else are bystanders

Your friendship drifted apart since covid, could she have been sick during that time and she wasn't able to reciprocate your calls, for example?

Anyway, the family has understandably many higher priorities now in their plate, notifying all acquaintances or old friends is secondary.

Maybe when things calm down on their end, they will reach out to you

When some one dies who is dear to you, your mind turns to treacle. I have dealt with a number of family deaths and trying to trace up and/or work out who has to be informed can be very difficult.

I was working my way through my uncle's address book and someone didn't get rung until a week after the event aand they ranted at me over the phone for not ringing them immediately my uncle died etc etc. Well, I did not know they were such close friends( I do not think they were)

More recently the son of a dear friend had to take to Facebook to announce her death. He could not get into her computer to get at her address and contact list because the security level on it was so high.

In your case, crazyH, it could be that because you were neighbours, they had never written your details down anywhere and as it was a family member doibg the contacting they had no details of exactly what your name was (First name but no surname)

This sort of thing happens so much around deaths, that i would just see it as the kind of inevitable glitch that can happen round deaths and funerals. I certainly wouldn't take it personally.

Two of my aunts died and neither of their families told us. I used to be quite close to one of them and only found out when I rang to tell her my nephew had died. The other aunt lived abroad and I had visited her with her son only a couple of months before. Quite what people would have thought when my brothers and I didn’t attend the funerals. We come from a Greek Cypriot background and it would have been noticed. I can understand that perhaps they forgot to tell us but someone at the funeral would have asked why we weren’t there which should have prompted their AC, both sets of which we grew up with, to let us know afterwards.

I’m sure you weren’t intentionally ignored. I’m assuming that N was the partner of D. She will have a lot on her mind, coping with her loss. She will have been touched by your card, I’m sure. Give it time, and I’m sure she will be in touch or you could contact her in a week or so - I’m certain that she will be pleased to hear from you - so many times you hear of bereaved people saying they are ignored by friends, so it will be a comfort to her to hear from you.

A lot of things have changed since Covid, not least regular meet-ups, as people are still navigating themselves around what was a serious pandemic - some are still hesitant to meet, for example.

It’s also possible that D had been Ill for quite some time and so N might have been dealing with this, too.

Try not to take it as a personal slight, I don’t think your friendship with them meant nothing, but sometimes, events take over our lives.

I think Oopsadaisy's right crazy. I can understand you being upset and you've done the right thing sending a card and Chardy's advice is good too. Maybe just start by taking round some flowers and then follow up with a 'phone call.

Perhaps a month after the death, take round a bunch of flowers, knock on the door, don't go in but say you'll be round on Saturday to take her out for brunch.

I think that they have so much to do, notifying family and so much planning that has to be done after a death, that they probably forgot to include you. The family might not have realised that some neighbours were more than just neighbours some time ago. As you say you had drifted apart.

I wouldn’t read too much into it, the important thing is that you have now been told and you have sent your condolences.

I also think that people rely on other people passing the news on, it’s so upsetting ringing around breaking bad news.