Friendship meant nothing, obviously

I think that they have so much to do, notifying family and so much planning that has to be done after a death, that they probably forgot to include you. The family might not have realised that some neighbours were more than just neighbours some time ago. As you say you had drifted apart.

I wouldn’t read too much into it, the important thing is that you have now been told and you have sent your condolences.

I also think that people rely on other people passing the news on, it’s so upsetting ringing around breaking bad news.

Perhaps a month after the death, take round a bunch of flowers, knock on the door, don't go in but say you'll be round on Saturday to take her out for brunch.

I think Oopsadaisy's right crazy. I can understand you being upset and you've done the right thing sending a card and Chardy's advice is good too. Maybe just start by taking round some flowers and then follow up with a 'phone call.

I’m sure you weren’t intentionally ignored. I’m assuming that N was the partner of D. She will have a lot on her mind, coping with her loss. She will have been touched by your card, I’m sure. Give it time, and I’m sure she will be in touch or you could contact her in a week or so - I’m certain that she will be pleased to hear from you - so many times you hear of bereaved people saying they are ignored by friends, so it will be a comfort to her to hear from you.

A lot of things have changed since Covid, not least regular meet-ups, as people are still navigating themselves around what was a serious pandemic - some are still hesitant to meet, for example.

It’s also possible that D had been Ill for quite some time and so N might have been dealing with this, too.

Try not to take it as a personal slight, I don’t think your friendship with them meant nothing, but sometimes, events take over our lives.

Two of my aunts died and neither of their families told us. I used to be quite close to one of them and only found out when I rang to tell her my nephew had died. The other aunt lived abroad and I had visited her with her son only a couple of months before. Quite what people would have thought when my brothers and I didn’t attend the funerals. We come from a Greek Cypriot background and it would have been noticed. I can understand that perhaps they forgot to tell us but someone at the funeral would have asked why we weren’t there which should have prompted their AC, both sets of which we grew up with, to let us know afterwards.

When some one dies who is dear to you, your mind turns to treacle. I have dealt with a number of family deaths and trying to trace up and/or work out who has to be informed can be very difficult.

I was working my way through my uncle's address book and someone didn't get rung until a week after the event aand they ranted at me over the phone for not ringing them immediately my uncle died etc etc. Well, I did not know they were such close friends( I do not think they were)

More recently the son of a dear friend had to take to Facebook to announce her death. He could not get into her computer to get at her address and contact list because the security level on it was so high.

In your case, crazyH, it could be that because you were neighbours, they had never written your details down anywhere and as it was a family member doibg the contacting they had no details of exactly what your name was (First name but no surname)

This sort of thing happens so much around deaths, that i would just see it as the kind of inevitable glitch that can happen round deaths and funerals. I certainly wouldn't take it personally.

CrazyH
Sorry for the loss of your friend

Given the background, I do think you are misguided with your expectations.
This loss is mostly about your old friend's nuclear family, everybody else are bystanders

Your friendship drifted apart since covid, could she have been sick during that time and she wasn't able to reciprocate your calls, for example?

Anyway, the family has understandably many higher priorities now in their plate, notifying all acquaintances or old friends is secondary.

Maybe when things calm down on their end, they will reach out to you

When DH died, despite having to deal with the Procurator Fiscal, police, funeral arrangements, filling in forms, umpteen (very welcome) visitors, children arriving from afar, preparing beds and finding accommodation for others, I managed to notify most people including old school friends here and abroad, ex work colleagues, friends from the past & present & family. It wasn’t hard to do and was part of the ‘dealing’ with things - the grieving process. Maybe I’m just a natural ‘coper’. I heard, 3 weeks after the event via Facebook, that my cousin had died; there were only 5 of us. I was not happy. I don’t understand how family can fail to inform family. It’s beyond my comprehension.

Crazy. I got so carried away with my after death experience I forgot to say I agree with the others who suggest calling in with flowers after a few weeks and gradually make contact again. Im sure she’ll appreciate it and it’s then, after the funeral is over, that she’ll need more company

I think if this had happened at the height of your ‘friendship’ when they used to call in every week I would have been very upset to not be told but as you say the friendship had dwindled through CoviD which was three years ago That
you d made phone calls which had petered out into nothing I think maybe you’re over expecting especially if it was a sudden or unexpected death, shock sets in, the brain goes to jelly and you probably wouldn’t be upmost in the one left behinds mind
You weren’t close friends any more like others have said maybe take some flowers around in a few weeks you were right to send a card
I hope it works out don’t take it too much to heart

I imagine that D is quite possibly thinking along the same lines as you are.

After all, you stopped ringing them, and apparently made no effort to go back to your former terms when lockdown ended.

So here are you feeling hurt because, she, poor woman, neither let you know her husband was seriously ill, if that was the case, nor that he had died.

And there is she, feeling, no doubt, that their friendship obviously meant little to you, as you have not been in touch after life went back to normal.

If you want to take up the friendship again, go along, ring her door-bell and ask if there is anything you can do to help right now?.

If you look at the Bereavement thread you will see that nearly all widows feel their former friends back off leaving them to cope both with their emotional loss and all the practicalities of a death without really making an effort to be helpful, or even just there.

I agree with BlueBelle don't read too much into this and visit your friend later.

My DH died during lockdown so I knew the funeral would be very small. 15 in fact
So I put a link to the streamed service on Facebook and had an avalanche of letters of condolence. People lined the streets as the cortège went past the house.
I also let all the rellies know and his close friends.
However, even 18 months later some people don't know.
I would call and go to the funeral. These people meant a lot to you at one time.

I can’t even remember how people found out my husband had died. That’s how brain addled I was. I have no idea. I’m pretty certain it wasn’t me - but it might have been. I don’t know.

I’m sorry you’ve lost a friend, CrazyH.

I do think, though, that as you had backed off from this couple, they may have assumed you were not much interested in their lives now.

Or it could be like my mother’s experience this year. Her last cousin died, at the age of 96, but the cousin’s children had no idea who my mum was, because he had kept his life compartmentalised and had never mentioned to his children that he and my mum were in regular contact. I also kept in sporadic contact with him and I received a curt email some months later saying the children didn’t know who I was but X had now died. I messaged back to say I was very sorry and shared a couple of stories about X but I haven’t heard from them again.

Such is life, neither my mum nor I have been offended, it’s a waste of emotion.

Why might you conclude that your friendship meant nothing? What has caused you to come to this conclusion? I can see no reason for this.

It clearly meant a lot at the time, but life moves on and we have to accept that some things are "of the moment" and are to be treasured in that moment.

Am I wrong to expect a call from D or one of her children? - are you really feeling offended that a bereaved spouse has not thought of you? I expect that he/she has other things on their mind.

Look back on the good times and value those. Life is just too short to get upset about such things - be upset about his/her passing, but that is all.

Thanks for all your replies.
Yes, I will wait till after the funeral. I’ll leave it for a couple of weeks and then perhaps, go over with some flowers. Thanks again.

I was friends with someone for fifty years, and found out she had died six months previously through the BBC magazine. I wrote to the magazine who put me in touch with the 'relative', who said she 'couldn't read her aunt's address book'. Apparently cremated with a few people in attendance and scattered amongst the daffodils at the crem, no mark of where she is. Appalling.

Why do do people feel so “entitled”? Someone’s partner died and you’re
grumping about your feelings! Good grief! Have a heart!

What happened to making allowances about what other people are going through? Jeez!

I don't think it's 'entitled' Baggs, it's feeling that you didn't matter enough to tell.

It's odd how information about deaths does or doesn't get passed to friends and family.

My cousin died and no-one told me, although I suspected because I didn't get the usual Christmas card. Her sister told me later. It wasn't really her job to tell me at the time as she lived a couple of hundred miles away and there were children who should have gone through the address book.

On the other hand, I kept in touch with my mum's cousin after my mum died. The cousin's daughter made the effort to tell and has sent me an online link to the funeral (too far to go in person).

It's possible crazyH that it wasn't clear from D's address book that you were someone who would want to know and that D herself has just been too 'thrown' by events to realise.

Razzamatazz

I don't think it's 'entitled' Baggs, it's feeling that you didn't matter enough to tell.

Definition of entitled in cases like this as far as I’m concerned.

After my last post I thought of this (I don’t pray and have no religious faith but this rings true):
A prayer of St. Francis of Assisi: "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.“

Ppl need to remember everything isn’t about them.