Friendship meant nothing, obviously

Excellent post, M0nica. Nail hit squarely on its head when you talk about people having expectations about how other people should behave in certain circumstances.

Of course, we all do that to some extent. We have to have expectations of civilised behaviour for society to function properly, but whether someone should have done something, for which there might be many perfectly good
reasons not to, is pushing it too far.

I think it's possible to see the problem stated in this thread in that way. Which does not mean that I think people should see it in that way, just that it's a perfectly good way to see it.

Madgran77

Baggs apologies for spelling your name wrong above

No prob, madG. I didn't even notice.

Perhaps the question is, why should someone be upset about what happened in the first place. GN often seems full of complaints from people castigating and repudiating friends because they didn't behave towards them aas they decided they should. they seem to think the world revolves round them and how they feel.

So often there are very good reasons why things happen. Recently I heard about a very close friends death through the grapevine; Facebook and a phone call from my son. I was a bit surprised, but when I did speak to her son, it turned out that his father, a computer expert, had put a high security system on the family computer and nobody knew his mother's password. All her addess and contact lists were on her computer, but he couldn't access them. I am glad I didn't get upset.

I am not specifically talking about the OP, more a general comment on this and many similar threads.

Baggs apologies for spelling your name wrong above

The family is grieving, they are trying to cope. It is an awful time and the last thing on their minds will be people outside the immediate family. Just a fact of life and I am absolutely sure it won't be personal. Wait a while .

Bagga Yes I understood your post and agree about cutting a little slack for the bereaved. My post was about a bit of slack for someone expressing their hurt a bit before coming to right conclusions. Yup home truths are valuable but can also be expressed kindly.

Hey ho. I think overall we agree really ?

Afterthought: my posts were about cutting a little slack for the bereaved friend.

Good post, madgran, and I agree about a little slack being cut. Every other poster had done that.

Home truths are valuable too.

Baggs Why do do people feel so “entitled”? Someone’s partner died and you’re grumping about your feelings! Good grief! Have a heart!

What happened to making allowances about what other people are going through? Jeez!

Ppl need to remember everything isn’t about them.

CrazyH was expressing her feelings on here which is a darn sight better than telephoning and expressing them directly. Sometimes, expressing those initial hurt feelings mean that someone can see the wood for the trees , get past the hurt and start thinking about all the things that you mention! So, although I agree that it is important to make allowances for other people's weaknesses, troubles, just-not-really-copings I also think it important to cut people a little slack whilst they work through their own initial feelings and hurt to get to the point where they can respond rationally!! I think "entitled" is harsh in these circumstances!

Perhaps the OP wasn't "important enough" to be told after the friendship dwindled because of covid (Blasted pandemic has caused deep deep harm to society way, way over and above deaths from the virus). That doesn't mean she wasn't important to the couple when they called in and had brunch with her regularly.

Sorry, but it makes me really quite angry when people can't/won't make allowances for other people's weaknesses, troubles, just-not-really-copings. As I said, have a bloody heart!

I read your thread and i really think that nothing was intentional. With covid, it turned peoples life/routine upside down, what they once did, they no longer do.

Reading you thread brings a lovely image to my mind, of brunch before they continued on their 'rounds'.

Regarding the very sad news, I would agree with another poster that the family may not have realised your friendship and that may be why you weren't told.

Speaking from my own situation, I have friends that I do A, B and C with and it isnt common knowledge to my daughter.

I wouldnt take it personally, I would do as others have suggested, pop round with flowers in a few days.

Take care

Ppl need to remember everything isn’t about them.

Razzamatazz

I don't think it's 'entitled' Baggs, it's feeling that you didn't matter enough to tell.

Definition of entitled in cases like this as far as I’m concerned.

After my last post I thought of this (I don’t pray and have no religious faith but this rings true):
A prayer of St. Francis of Assisi: "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.“

It's odd how information about deaths does or doesn't get passed to friends and family.

My cousin died and no-one told me, although I suspected because I didn't get the usual Christmas card. Her sister told me later. It wasn't really her job to tell me at the time as she lived a couple of hundred miles away and there were children who should have gone through the address book.

On the other hand, I kept in touch with my mum's cousin after my mum died. The cousin's daughter made the effort to tell and has sent me an online link to the funeral (too far to go in person).

It's possible crazyH that it wasn't clear from D's address book that you were someone who would want to know and that D herself has just been too 'thrown' by events to realise.

I don't think it's 'entitled' Baggs, it's feeling that you didn't matter enough to tell.

What happened to making allowances about what other people are going through? Jeez!

Why do do people feel so “entitled”? Someone’s partner died and you’re
grumping about your feelings! Good grief! Have a heart!

I was friends with someone for fifty years, and found out she had died six months previously through the BBC magazine. I wrote to the magazine who put me in touch with the 'relative', who said she 'couldn't read her aunt's address book'. Apparently cremated with a few people in attendance and scattered amongst the daffodils at the crem, no mark of where she is. Appalling.

Thanks for all your replies.
Yes, I will wait till after the funeral. I’ll leave it for a couple of weeks and then perhaps, go over with some flowers. Thanks again.

Why might you conclude that your friendship meant nothing? What has caused you to come to this conclusion? I can see no reason for this.

It clearly meant a lot at the time, but life moves on and we have to accept that some things are "of the moment" and are to be treasured in that moment.

Am I wrong to expect a call from D or one of her children? - are you really feeling offended that a bereaved spouse has not thought of you? I expect that he/she has other things on their mind.

Look back on the good times and value those. Life is just too short to get upset about such things - be upset about his/her passing, but that is all.

I’m sorry you’ve lost a friend, CrazyH.

I do think, though, that as you had backed off from this couple, they may have assumed you were not much interested in their lives now.

Or it could be like my mother’s experience this year. Her last cousin died, at the age of 96, but the cousin’s children had no idea who my mum was, because he had kept his life compartmentalised and had never mentioned to his children that he and my mum were in regular contact. I also kept in sporadic contact with him and I received a curt email some months later saying the children didn’t know who I was but X had now died. I messaged back to say I was very sorry and shared a couple of stories about X but I haven’t heard from them again.

Such is life, neither my mum nor I have been offended, it’s a waste of emotion.

I can’t even remember how people found out my husband had died. That’s how brain addled I was. I have no idea. I’m pretty certain it wasn’t me - but it might have been. I don’t know.

My DH died during lockdown so I knew the funeral would be very small. 15 in fact
So I put a link to the streamed service on Facebook and had an avalanche of letters of condolence. People lined the streets as the cortège went past the house.
I also let all the rellies know and his close friends.
However, even 18 months later some people don't know.
I would call and go to the funeral. These people meant a lot to you at one time.

I agree with BlueBelle don't read too much into this and visit your friend later.

I imagine that D is quite possibly thinking along the same lines as you are.

After all, you stopped ringing them, and apparently made no effort to go back to your former terms when lockdown ended.

So here are you feeling hurt because, she, poor woman, neither let you know her husband was seriously ill, if that was the case, nor that he had died.

And there is she, feeling, no doubt, that their friendship obviously meant little to you, as you have not been in touch after life went back to normal.

If you want to take up the friendship again, go along, ring her door-bell and ask if there is anything you can do to help right now?.

If you look at the Bereavement thread you will see that nearly all widows feel their former friends back off leaving them to cope both with their emotional loss and all the practicalities of a death without really making an effort to be helpful, or even just there.