Not Part of My Family

Sorry about your plight. I think this is a reality for a lot of us. I only have a daughter and I thought we were close. She has her own life and friends and I have moved down the pecking order. Sad but that's how it is.

I think one of the problems is living near neighbours who do mix with their family at weekends. It’s rubbing your face in it. The other problem a lot of us have is assuming that everyone is busy with their families at weekends.

We’re not honestly. There are a lot of us out there at weekends doing stuff on our own.

You haven’t said how active or fit you are. Charity shops are crying out for weekend staff. Look out for local events like concerts or open gardens. Become a National Trust or Historic Houses volunteer for weekends.

Or have a little project for the weekends. Mine at the moment is to visit and photograph the sculptures of Kathleen Scott. It’s giving me such pleasure.

Think about a mini allotment if there’s some near you. Plenty of people up there on their own at weekends ?

Above all get out of the house and away from what the neighbours are doing. It’s making you sad ?

I have 3 sons and apart from the one who’s a widower, I don’t see much of them. If I need them they come but they have their own lives. I believe your problem is you don’t have much of a life yourself. I have a life, with friends and hobbies. You have to make a life for yourself so that your family are only part of it and not the all of it.

It’s a shame about your daughter as daughters are usually closer to their mums but try to find some interests and get out there. Good luck.

Allsorts .

Some good suggestions from DSL and Bakingmad about FaceTime or Zoom. It does make a big difference when you can see the person/people you're talking too in real time. We'd be lost without FaceTime with our DS living in Aus.

Being estranged by your D will make the lack of physical contact with your son and his family harder. Those of us who have been estranged by an AC are often more sensitive when it comes to the amount of time we get to spend with our children, which is perfectly understandable, as is having a sense of failure as a parent.

I'm sure we find the physical distance between us and our DS harder than it would have been had we not lost his brother. Where you thought there'd always two children in whose lives you'd share, there's only one.

I agree
Excellent post DerbyshireLass
Very constructive and positive.

As has often been suggested on here, owning a dog can really help to ease loneliness. They can give unconditional love while providing you with something to care for and it’s certainly a way of meeting other people while out walking.

Excellent post DerbyshireLass
Very constructive and positive.

Allsorts Maybe you are seeing your friends involvement with their families with rose coloured glasses? There are lots of advantages to being able to do your own thing and not have to be at the beck and call of your family.
Try and accept that this is how it is and make a life of your own, and not expecting them to visit you. Many of my friends have families that live abroad and they only get to see them once every 2 years or so.
Have you tried FaceTiming or Zooming them? That way you can catch up on their news and also let them know all the exciting things you have been doing too.?

Don’t make them feel guilty for not seeing you, as that will make them resentful.
I hope this helps. Please keep us updated on your progress.

Thank you. I don’t as i said, demand or ask for anything, just every now and then I do feel a bit of a failure, neighbours here constantly have family there and all go on holiday together. I could not stand it every day as I have a life too, go on holiday etc. they have their own lives I understand that, bought them up to be self sufficient, however it would be nice now and then..

Allsorts

My will, everything is set up, all in order. Every invitation to a meal is refused, he would rather see his friends. He said if I lived near him it would change, it wouldn't, I would just lose my friends here. That conversation I had I told him phone calls are not enough, but he said he works hard and that's his way if relaxing. I feel trapped, how on earth I will cope in a few years I don't know. His sister is estranged from all family, she wants to travel the worl topping up her tan, she didn't want any responsibility of family. I've done well! I should gave moved when my husband died I've left it too late. Nothing can change now.

Gosh you sound so low.

You say "nothing can change now". It can, YOU can change. It's never too late to make changes to improve the quality of your life.

Are you mobile. If you are still mobile and in reasonable physical health then there is still so much you can do.

Would counselling help. Or maybe a few sessions with a life coach. My friend who is also a widow, did this, she was in a black pit of despair and had some counselling sessions with a life coach, mainly by phone. She felt she didn't need psychotherapy but she need help and guidance. She said it really helped through a bad patch. . And she's not wealthy, she said the sessions are actually very affordable.

I hope you don't think what I say next is harsh......it's said with love ❤️?. The truth is NO ONE IS COMING. There is no one to rescue us, we simply HAVE to do it ourselves.

When we are "in the doldrums" we have to be the ones to get ourselves going again. And yes it's hard, but the truth is sometimes we just have to make a fresh start, and yes that will mean getting out of our comfort zone.

We have to push ourselves, find new friends, join clubs, take up new hobbies, volunteer, join an exercise class - whatever it takes.

Each year I chose a word or phrase as a way of "gee-ing myself up". Last Christmas was just awful, thanks to my DIL and her shameful behaviour and treatment not just of me but our entire family. I swore that was it, no more.

So when contemplating the future instead of the usual same old new year resolutions to lose weight, get fit I chose the phrase "radical transformation". And that's what I'm doing, slowly but surely transforming my life.

It's a slow process but I'm getting there.

Allsorts.....you can do it, you HAVE to. No one can do it for you. And certainly not your family. Dig deep, find the courage and take a leap of faith.

If your current friendship circle isn't meeting your needs, then widen it. Don't drop your friends just because they see families at weekends, look for new friends to add to your circle. Look for people who are in a similar position to you. Maybe a widows support group or something like Meet Up. It will be trial and error but just keep at it.

Don't give up......

I don`t mind either, they all have busy stressful working lives and their weekends are so precious to them. Travelling to see me would take too much out of their weekend. I have a lot of empathy and understanding for them. I never demand anything, am always independent and because of that they love me even more.

Like barmeyoldbat, mine would drop everything in a crisis.

We should not forget that it is their time now. Have or get hobbies op, go on courses to learn some hobbies. If able, spend some time outdoors on a short walk in the countryside and say good morning to everyone you meet. People stop and talk many a time when I say good morning to and fro the shops

It is a very different life now, different from when we were younger. We do best to go with the flow

My will, everything is set up, all in order. Every invitation to a meal is refused, he would rather see his friends. He said if I lived near him it would change, it wouldn't, I would just lose my friends here. That conversation I had I told him phone calls are not enough, but he said he works hard and that's his way if relaxing. I feel trapped, how on earth I will cope in a few years I don't know. His sister is estranged from all family, she wants to travel the worl topping up her tan, she didn't want any responsibility of family. I've done well! I should gave moved when my husband died I've left it too late. Nothing can change now.

You are leading a life with your family similar to me but I don’t mind as it leaves me time to do the things I want. I know my family love me and in a crisis they have been there. Maybe you find some friends who aren’t so involved with their family at weekends

From first hand experience -

Have you tried reaching out to your daughter? Something happened -

DIL ‘s often times care, but are not as close to their MIL narturally.

Your son does call you regularly, he checks in, you’re lucky, so you must need a face to face with him more often.

I have two sons, and I see that as they get older their concerns are with their wives and families. They are needed there.

You must enjoy your friends and invite your son/DIL to come over for a meal not just talk on the telephone.

Make your life interesting not needy until you really do NEED them, as you mentioned that they would respond.

Are you single? Go to dinner with a male friend. You can do it, just for some male conversation, no more than that!

Who is your Executor? Get it set up now, you’ll NEED help and your son will NEED to be there. Especially if his sister is estranged from him also.