Not Part of My Family

LinFreed - there's nothing wrong with expressing how you feel. Some ACs need it, some of the time. As do some older parents - no one's perfect.

Hopefully, your exchange of views, with your daughter, will have cleared the air between you, and you can both move on, with more understanding, which is much healthier than seething silence.

But, your SIL should keep any marriage issues he has between them - it never works when others get involved in relationship issues.

Good luck. ?

hithere I don't think you read my post properly. Of course it's not my business.

Linfreed

The relationship and arrangements between her husband and your daughter is between them - if they have a problem, they will solve it

That's none of your business

What is enough Linfreed?

What does cold mean?

In what ways is she not being loving?

Why does her husband feel it is acceptable to say that to you and what does he say to her if he is happy to say that to her mother?

I'm not sure her not working is relevant, nor is having a housekeeper.

What matters is her happiness.

What seems relevant to me is that what others might call cold, I would call emotionally shut down and given that her husband and mother are not happy with her, it sounds like she needs help from a professional

It’s a sad that LinFreeds troubled relationship with her daughter has taken over lovely Allsorts gentle thread.

Just want to point out that the last few posts don’t belong to the OP. It reads a bit as if they do if you’re just skimming.

violetsky My daughter has already reached out and communicated in her own way. Things had to be said and she knows she's been less than loving recently.

Her husband keeps telling me how cold she is, but I don't respond, as it's an issue between them.

I haven't been a perfect mother...who is?...but I've always been there and not made any demands. This is the first time I've said anything and I hope it's cleared the air.

She knows perfectly well she needs to step up, both with me and her DH. He gives her everything.. housekeeper, big house, she doesn't work even though the kids are at FT school. Enough!

LinFreed, you said ‘But I believe we don't expect enough of our loved ones.’

That’s the root of your problem, I think. You seem to think that in exchange for your love, they have to deliver the things you want. That’s not love, it’s commerce.

I agree with Hithere

Other grandparents live abroad, you will have so many more opportunities Linfreed

I think you need to resolve what has been said between you and daughter and apologise as soon as possible or this will damage your relationship

Linfreed sorry

Lindred

Arrangements can change anytime for any circumstances.
Sometimes they work on your favour, sometimes against you.

The key here is how we deal with them, so it doesn't hinder our chances in the future

Oh dear LinFreed that's not good is it. Making arrangements with you to look after the GC and then changing her mind. Of course, the other GP's living in Canada will want to spend as much time with the children as they can, but a 6 week visit gives them ample opportunity to do so.

It's difficult to know sometimes if we've said too much but as both of you did plenty of sharing, I hope that isn't the case, and you and she will feel relieved to have spoken about things that you've kept bottled up.

❤️

allsorts I really empathise with your situation. I'm a widow of 5 years with a busy life with many hobbies and friends.

I just came off the phone last night after a heated discussion with my daughter. She had arranged a couple of months ago that I have the gc staying with me for a couple of days while they attend a wedding.

Because the in-laws at the last minute came over from Canada for the summer, she told me that they are now looking after them and seeing them nearly every day fir the 6 weeks they are here

I told her I was hurt and disappointed, as I was so looking forward to having my gc stay at my bolthole by the sea.

There was much sharing of how we disappointed we were with eachother for various reasons. She also couldn't remember when I was there for her for weeks cooking etc after the birth of the first gc. I probably said too much, as there was alot if resentment I'd built up.

The suggestions that we lead busy lives and acquire lots of friends is a given, and many of us who are on our own do that.

But I believe we don't expect enough of our loved ones. They should be concerned at our well being. My dd rarely contacts me, unless she wants me to babysit. I have to invite myself over to see the gc, rarely an invitation.

You are perfectly entitled to feel hurt and short changed at your time of life.

That’s a good idea Lathyrus, I would be ok with that arrangement.?
I do think of Smileless and her husband, with their son in Australia, for others like Bluebell, it must be hard when you have no children in UK and are widowed. Then there’s the people that either chose or couldn't have children. The problem with estrangement, you have had that close relationship but they chose to end it, I just shut it away in a box, that works most of the time but something triggers a memory and that box starts to open. In time no one talks of the estranged one, it’s old news and no one really understands if it hadn’t happened to them. I also know getting depressed makes everything doubly hard and could drive people away. So thank you for your posts tgey hav3 been helpful.

‘Allsorts* you say you see your son regularly and are on good terms with your daughter in law and really that’s all we can expect
It seems you have become really over sensitivity to other people having weekends with their families but some do, -_many, many_ don’t
How old are you? If you don’t want to answer it’s ok
Are you in reasonable health? can you walk?
Personally I would make sure I had something to do over the weekend Could you volunteer for anything. weekends are the days could be the times hardest to fill ….I so love my volunteering I feel useful, I have fun, I make friends
Save your shopping for Saturdays or Sundays arrange to meet someone who hasn’t got family go for a walk to the park beach whatever you have near and talk to people I ve made friends just from casual conversation Do you go to church I personally don’t but you can make some good friends that way

Although your brain has exaggerated things to believe
everyone is having a wonderful family weekend the fact is most probably aren’t What about all us grans whose children are living in far off lands

There’s only you can change this Please do life gets shorter and shorter don’t waste it

I agree with the suggestion about a dog. We go to the nearby park every day and always meet up with other dog walkers to chat to.

You can have him on Saturdays allsorts if I can have him on Sundays.

Share the cost??

I wonder if you have a U3a in your area. Lots of meetings and planned activities,That may help. It is hard but the posters are right what you see with your friends and their families may not be exactly as it is.
I wish you all the very best.

Thank you all. I don’t spend my life moping around and am mostly fine, I only had that chat once with my son and demand and ask for nothing. Always been very capable and have looked after my extended family a lot, plus my husbands and sisters. I’m the go too, the sensible one. Now those roles have ceased and I do value my freedom, it’s just the grass is greener and I do get down now a lot at weekends although busy so must break the cycle.
I count my blessing though as well and I appreciate all the lovely people on here that post genuinely from the heart, there’s more good and kind people than the opposite.
If I got a helper in I wouldn’t be letting her do anything I would clean up before she got here, but a man who could do all my jobs in the garden plus diy and decorating then dust up nicely to take me to a nice restaurant would be acceptable.?

this may be an off the wall suggestion, so throw it out if it doesn't suit.
i have known of several older people, mostly women, who have by chance found real companionship through having employed a person to come into their home, as a cleaner or careworker.
in the cases i am thinking of, they started as a cleaner and morphed into doing more carework, over several years.
usually younger women from eastern europe or africa.
they have become a real boon for the older person, sharing recipes from home and often the dishes too, the client is respected as an older person and they help each other, by cultural learnings etc.
obviously it has to be the right person, but i can attest the how valued and valuable they were.

I have a friend, who to neighbours appears to have her family visiting at weekends all the time. She admits that they only come to drop off/collect GC for babysitting, or their wives are away and they can’t be bothered to cook for themselves. She is fed up with it but puts up with it. Her neighbours tell her how wonderful it is that they are so close! The point I’m making is that things aren’t always what they seem and people won’t necessarily own up to that. Don’t try to second guess what friends and neighbours are up to, ask if they are around for a sandwich or a coffee, you may be surprised at how many are.

It can be hard, can’t it, when it seems that everyone else is busy. I often feel that way, especially at weekends. I am in touch with family but they have their own lives. My son is not in touch much, so it was a lovely surprise when he suggested a meet up one Saturday morning. The housework went by the board!
I agree with those who recommend finding something for yourself. I do voluntary work two days a week, and belong to choirs and church, so I do see other people, even if we don't socialise outside those groups.
I hope you can be brave and find a new interest.

I don't have a lot of family support either due to estrangement.

There are lots of people in estrangement situations too or who don't have much family.

Are there any groups or activities you could join nearby? If you look for ones at weekends when your other friends are busy maybe you will find some friends to socialise with who would also be alone otherwise?

Forgot to say, you are very much included in your son's family.
Maybe not as much as you would have wanted, though

So sorry you are in such pain

I see however many positives in your OP.
You have contact with your son and dil, you see them in important events, he calls you, your dil engaged with you individually, etc

How often do you see them?
How often does your son call you?
How often would you ideally want that to happen?

Please do not compare yourself to others - you only see what's in the surface and it might not be as sweet as you think it is

It is like a child - " mom, dad, all my friends have a bike/tablet/cellphone/etc, I want one too"
Parents' answer - your friend X doesnt have it, so your statement is not correct.
You have X toy your friends want and they dont have, you cannot have everything you want
Child - whatever! This is not fair
Parents - you are right, life is not fair.