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Feel mean and awful posting this but know there isn't an answer

(43 Posts)
mrsgreenfingers56 Thu 18-Aug-22 12:26:42

Hello everyone, I have posted on here before about my mother's dementia being Vascular and Alzheimer's. It is obviously very hard looking after her although she is still in her own home and myself and family doing our very best as she has a fear of going into a care home.

Mum was always a very quiet lady and hated any noise, believe you me myself and siblings must have been the quietest children ever!

The problem is mum's next door neighbour died and it was obvious whoever was buying the house was very disabled as ramps went in, hand rails and a wet room. A physically and mentally disabled lady moved in and carers come and go all day. This poor lady cries and shouts and squeals out all day long and it is really bad. With the weather having been so warm the windows are open at times and it has been worse with the noise. My mum gets so worked up about it and won't sit in the garden now and I just don't know what to do and don't think I can do anything. I feel awful even posting this and my heart goes out to this poor soul, it really does.
Is this called Care in the Community?
Has anyone else had to deal with a problem? It is so stressful looking after mum and she is extra stressed now due to the noise. The carers who come and go just say hello and that is it and really at the end of the day not my business what the set up is.
I doubt we would be able to sell mum's house if she did pass away due to this wailing. Every time I go it gets to me straight away and sounds so morbid and upsetting.
Thanks for listening and I feel really bad posting this, I honestly do and know there isn't an answer.
What do you all think? Any ideas for me and mum to handle this better would be much appreciated. Thanks so much.

Caleo Thu 18-Aug-22 22:06:45

I think the legal limit is decibels, not the distressing quality of the noise.

There is some sort of a garden fence that cuts down noises from outside. People who live next to a motorway buy them. Since bungalows are only one storey high it may help quite a lot, and would only need to be on one side of the garden. The council or the neighbour's care team should pay for it to be fair.

MissAdventure Thu 18-Aug-22 22:10:35

It's important you let someone know, as otherwise it will be assumed that all is rosy.

Far easier for the powers that be to sweep this kind of thing under the carpet, than take action to work things out.

Glorianny Thu 18-Aug-22 22:19:43

Please don't be upset mrsgreenfingers56 or think you are at fault for finding this woman difficult. Your priority is and should be your mum.
I suggest you talk to the carers and find who is organising the care package then write to them explaining the problem and suggesting the package is not enough.
Secondly ring your local council and ask them about noise and neighbour support. They might send someone round to see what is happening and offer help.
Good luck

Granny23 Thu 18-Aug-22 22:30:18

This may be a stupid suggestion in your situation and I apologise in advance if it causes you upset, but here goes....... Perhaps you could arrange for your Mum to have a short, say 2 weeks, respite stay (call it a holiday) in a small quiet Care Home. This would give her and the rest of the family a break from the noise and there is a small chance that she might enjoy her stay and overcome her fear of Care Homes. Worth a try?

mrsgreenfingers56 Fri 19-Aug-22 20:59:17

Thank you for all your replies. I really appreciate it.
I need to contact the council about this and tactfully speak to the carers I really do as we can't go on like this.

GRANNY 23 - There is no way on this earth I would get my mum into a care home even for 2 weeks. She is so against the idea and even though she isn't good would suss it out. I feel mum has been very unfair on myself and siblings being so against a care home and the pressure it puts us under as a family. We have agreed as a family if the time comes for us to need care we shall go in without a fuss but please find us a nice care home.

welbeck Fri 19-Aug-22 23:42:08

the careworkers will not discuss anything about their client or her care arrangements with you.
apart from some kind of sound-proofing, i don't see what can be done about this situation, unfortunately.
it;s not as if the neighbour can be sternly told to keep quiet, at least not effectively.
does your mother have a social worker, OP ?
would she agree to attend a day centre ?

Esspee Sat 20-Aug-22 07:33:26

If the lady is in distress could you perhaps have a chat with social services?
Another suggestion regarding your mother and the strain on the family would it be possible for you to go “on holiday” with your mum to a residential facility. Just for a week but as a stepping stone towards eventually moving there?

Grannynannywanny Sat 20-Aug-22 08:08:51

Not that it makes any difference to the discomfort and noise your mother is experiencing mrsgreenfingers56 but it’s unlikely your neighbour is in distress. Sadly, loud “wailing” sounds are often a feature in non verbal adults and children with severe learning disabilities.

There is a young man in the house opposite my daughter who does this throughout the day. My grandchildren were 6 and 4 when he moved in with his carers. With permission of the carers my daughter took the children over to say hello and they quickly understood that it’s “normal” for him to make those sounds. They always stop to say hello if he’s in the garden in his wheelchair and he wails loudly but with a smile on his face.

I do feel for you and the extremely difficult situation you are in with your mum.

mrsgreenfingers56 Sat 20-Aug-22 21:33:10

I agree the carers probably wouldn't speak to me regarding their client and I feel this is why they never engage in conversation to be honest.

I also don't think this lady is in distress, she is just disturbed mentally and non verbal.

No. mum would never agree to a day centre or going to a residential facility.

I can only hope with autumn and winter not far off that windows are closed and mum will not sit in the garden.

Having given this some thought I feel if I do approach the Council it will look as if we are victimizing this lady.

As I said there really isn't an answer to this but the way things are going with my mum and her decline she may have to go into care and not be aware of it. I know nobody wants to go into a care home, I do really but such pressure on me to keep her in her own home.

Thanks everyone.

Ohmother Sun 21-Aug-22 04:06:08

The carers may not be able to discuss their client’s situation with you due to GDPR rules. I don’t know.

nanna8 Sun 21-Aug-22 06:50:24

We were in a very shortlived but similar situation with our grand daughter when she was about 3. She was very small as she was very premature and she was also, at that time, very sensitive to noise. We went to a restaurant with her and there was a young woman there (with a carer) who kept letting out ear piercing shrieks and cries, really loud and really disturbing. It took a long, long time for our granddaughter to stop crying and she never wanted to go out to a cafe or restaurant for many months. I don't know what the answer is but I do know it can be very frightening, especially if someone has dementia or is sensitive to noise.

NotSpaghetti Sun 21-Aug-22 07:14:42

Is it worth speaking to adult social care about your mum and asking for advice/help to find a solution for her?

PollyDolly Sun 21-Aug-22 07:33:15


Is it worth speaking to adult social care about your mum and asking for advice/help to find a solution for her?

I agree with NotSpaghetti. There is some really good advice on this thread and it is clear that the OP is in a really difficult position.
The Carers will not discuss the neighbours situation due to client confidentiality but the OP might consider approaching their Manager and Adult Social Care on behalf of her Mum to work together to find a way forward, one which suits the needs of all concerned.
Care in the Community is a big topic, gone are the institutionalised workings where people were out of sight and out of mind and rightly so.
In line with NS suggestion, contact the Social Services on behalf of your Mum but. also mention the Care Company involved with the neighbour and work together for an amicable outcome.
I personally wish you well mrsgreenfingers, I lost my dear Dad with Dementia and I do understand some of the challenges you face with your Mum.

deepgreen Sat 27-Aug-22 14:53:42

There are good ideas here. An extra thing could be to record the sound in case you want to demonstrate it.

The suggested sound-proof fence seems a good plan for the garden.
Also, people use thick hedging as a sound barrier, if you research it.

But the biggest thing would be the party wall. Lining it with soundproofing panels would not be not terribly expensive. They are used as standard in modern flats, and come in various thicknesses/ degrees of effectiveness.

For a comparatively small job like a bungalow party wall, it would probably be worthwhile paying the extra to get a more top of the range performance, among the standard domestic options.
( It's quite interesting, they go all the way up at the luxury end to be good for sound recording studios )

They look similar to a standard sheet of plasterboard, but are heavy because they are filled with sand. (So either use a soundproofing installer, or a builder who knows not to cut like plaster, because the edges need specially good taping to stop the sand pouring out at any join)

Can the party-wall room be cleared of anywhere for noise to break through? An open fireplace would transmit sound. There can't be anything but freestanding shelves, nothing drilled into the wall or even a 'butterfly' fixing on the board, for a picture, because breaking the seal breaks the soundproofing.

So would any continuous wood, which ought not to, but sometimes does, run from one half of a semi to the other. So have a search with a torch under the boards. It is easily remedied before the soundproofing, so the break between one house and the next is complete.

Are the windows double glazed?

(It might be necessary to line the party wall in the loft, if sound transmits up there. You can research and get advice)

The quality of your mother's life would be greatly improved. Instantly, she could try some noise cancelling headphones. They are not dear second hand, or someone you know may have some she could try. But she can't be expectedto live like that as more than a temporary fix. As you say, the bungalow is essentially unsaleable, so the work will need to be done sooner or later.

If the unfortunate neighbour is, as seems possible, funded by an accident compensation, her trustees will be able to repay the reasonable costs to your mother.

Whatever happens, recording the sound, and asking estate agents to value on a basis of it continuing, or being quiet, would show the financial price to your mother of being deprived of "quiet enjoyment" of her home.

The soundproofing measures would probably be reasonable, and a court would probably give an order that the neighbour's trustees must pay.

(Not that a court is ever a good idea, if possibly avoided.)

You don't sound anything but reasonable, and your mother really needs your help now.

deepgreen Sat 27-Aug-22 14:56:54

P.S. Actually, because you are such a pleasant person, the neighbour's guardians or trustees may appreciate being able to get in touch with you, and you with them, just in case there is ever something of an emergency?

Nannarose Sat 27-Aug-22 17:10:50

Of course the neighbour's carers cannot discuss anything about her care and condition with you.
But you can ask them to ask her social worker (she will have one somewhere, if only nominally) to contact you. You could write a letter, explaining as you have here.

Otherwise, I agree that approaching it from your mum's point of view would be best. Contact the GP and ask that a social worker does an assessment of her needs, then it can be tackled through that formal route.

I would suggest that you avoid any suggestion that the neighbour may be in distress. Say that you understand she has no control over the noises and ask how best to tackle this?

mokryna Sat 27-Aug-22 17:54:27

I realize a solution must be found quickly for mrsgreenfingers56´s mother. However, if they decide to contact the council etc. regarding the noise doesn’t it have to mentioned in later years when the house is sold? Wouldn’t it be better to follow deepgreen’s suggestions first, to see if the noise could be controlled?