My husband is not intimate with me

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ok, I’d like to put my answer out there but with a warning it’s not for everyone it’s just an example I know of that worked

An ex colleague of mine had exactly the same issue and her husband and her were on the edge of separation. In a nutshell her husband suggested she got her intimacy elsewhere. All I’ll say for now is she has a steady younger companion for sex and the husband and wife couldn’t be happier.
Like I say not for everyone but if all parties agree I think it can work.

I’ve been married 34 years to my husband who’s 63. I have to say he’s very affectionate and still enjoys a healthy level of intimacy.
I think blood tests for testosterone may be the way to go.
Wishing you luck

This happened to us in our early sixties. My dh worried about it and said he didn’t like to kiss etc as he didn’t want me to expect something he couldn’t do. I said it was even more important that we kiss and show affection. We cuddle each other and kiss. At first I thought it was a shame although at the same time I was suffering vaginal atrophy but would have done something about that if my dh was needing sex. However, we are now in our eighties and have never stopped kissing each other. We never go anywhere ( just to shops etc) without a kiss, Affection is the main thing that is really important and concern and care for each other.

Allsorts

I think it's the lack of intimacy that matters not sex. Without that the relationship is a shell.

I have to disagree with you about the relationship being a shell without intimacy. Whilst it is certainly better for the relationship to have that side of things, you can have the most wonderful friendship with the person you are married to. It may not be ideal but, in the end, most of us end up with that as we become less able to be mobile, etc. Of course, if you don't have a great friendship within your relationship, the lack of intimacy/sex is probably a killer.

Debbi58 Please force your husband to get a PSA test. It is a simple blood test. If he has prostate cancer then if it is caught while confined to the prostate the prognosis is excellent. If it has spread then the prognosis is dire. It is just like breast cancer and is why we ladies go for regular mammograms.

I think it's the lack of intimacy that matters not sex. Without that the relationship is a shell.

Esspee
He won't go to the doctors for anything . He refused his over 50 check up and that was 7 years ago . His smokers cough is so bad now he makes gargling noises in his sleep, waking us both up . He's always lived in denial, whereas I prefer to face things. I had a recall from my mammogram this time, they could see something on my left breast . I attended the breast care clinic last week , hubbie came with me and luckily everything was fine .

Debbi58. When did he last have a PSA test? Men can get very defensive about symptoms and as a result cancer can spread, making it terminal. A simple blood test can rule that out and all men over 40 should have a test regularly.

I have the same problem with my husband, both of us our 57. We've been married for 12 years . Our sex life was amazing for years, then around 2 years ago , he just stopped cuddling up at bedtime . He comes to bed later than me and is always up and dressed early . If I put my arms around him in bed , his body stiffens . He won't talk about it , or anything important really. He's also a heavy smoker , perhaps that has caused it ? we're happy otherwise but I do miss the intimacy

I'm a male of 69.My wife and i have'nt been intimate for about 12 years now.And i really miss it.She is just not interested.I've tried date nights,holidays away but nothing works.I think some people just are'nt interested.

Esspee

*SporeRB*. Surely if a man is low in an essential hormone the natural thing to do is to supplement the missing hormone. Doctors prescribe men with testosterone all the time. No need to mess about with unproven and unnecessary “supplements”.

Esspee, there’s a method to my madness btw.

DH refused to take the blue pill because he believes that his medication is giving him erectile dysfunction (Ed). So, I checked it out.

I typed the name of his medication plus the words ‘nutrient depletion’ and run a Google search and I found a number of medical websites which says that his medication depletes his body of zinc.

Zinc is crucial to a man’s sexual health, that is why I persuaded him to take the zinc supplement.

Likewise, certain types of statins even on a low dosage can result in Ed because it depletes the body of CoQ10.

A man with Ed sees himself as a failure as a man and can be too embarrassed or ashamed to see a doctor. Easier for him to say he is no longer interested in sex.

If OP can persuade her DH to see the doctor and get his testosterone levels check and made sure he is not deficient in any of the vital vitamins like zinc and vitamin D, that will be great.

Hi OP, I feel your pain as I’m in same boat although at 72 I’m a bit older. Hubby’s six years younger at 66 and we haven’t been intimate for five years. Only married for 15 years! Am always told I look younger than my years and I have a young outlook. Always dress nicely, make up and hair done every day but I feel unattractive and undesirable. He keeps fit and well dressed and I still fancy and love him like crazy. But he told me a few years ago that he didn’t want to have sex anymore. On my request he had his testosterone checked at the surgery and all is fine. I know for sure he’s not having an affair as I know the signs and he’s either on the golf course or with me. He is very affectionate and tells me he really loves and adores me and the lovely holidays, flowers and meals out are testament to this. That is why I stay. I have reached a level of acceptance although it’s hard sometimes because as I say I still fancy him. Espee’s suggestion is a good one and helps a lot but is no replacement for that closeness that intimacy brings. I have thought of counselling, for me, as I have no one I can talk to about this so maybe that would help you? I find that lack of sex is so often talked about from the male point of view but very rarely from the female side, perhaps we’re all keeping quiet!

Wise words from other GNs here; I agree fully with Esspee. Can I add that it's my understanding that the most important "erogenous zone" is the mind. Communication is crucial, IMO; you need to have an honest and caring discussion of this issue. If this isn't possible then I'd be concerned; perhaps counselling could help? Even if you went alone?

SporeRB. Surely if a man is low in an essential hormone the natural thing to do is to supplement the missing hormone. Doctors prescribe men with testosterone all the time. No need to mess about with unproven and unnecessary “supplements”.

Disinterest in a sex life really doesn’t matter if both partners feel the same way, but when only one still has their libido fully functioning with nothing to look forward to but sexual frustration it must put a huge strain on a marriage. Knowing that never again will you experience the joy of mutually satisfying orgasms while your body still desires it must be awful.

As I read your OP I feel you mean the problem is no sex. I hope there is still affection, the touches, the hugs, the kisses which indicate a loving relationship. If this is the case and you are otherwise happy in your life together them perhaps a vibrator might be the answer. Single sex can be very satisfying.

If the affection has gone out of your marriage and you are unhappy being with him any more then it is time to plan to part company.

For what it is worth, no matter how wonderful any man was, him smoking would be a deal breaker for me.

DH refused to take Viagra, so I persuaded him to take three supplements daily; zinc with copper 20mg, cod liver oil with vitamin D ( a brand called Arctic D) and pomegranate juice (a brand called POM). You can get them online at Amazon.

These supplements seem to help him. I think they help to increase testosterone naturally but it takes a while - a month or so before you see any improvement.

Not trying to frighten you but ED can also be a precursor to a heart attack, can you persuade your DH to go to the doctor and have tests done?

I’m thinking as he has tried pills he must have wanted to at some point.

I think there is an awful lot of psychological stuff going on with men who, for some reason or other, cannot get an erection easily or maintain one. It can really affect the way they see themselves as a man. Far easier to say you are not interested.

Mind you, if a woman loses interest in sex and a man is still wanting it, he is expected to be sympathetic.

As you say in time you will resent him,. Why don’t you speak to him and find out how he really feels, intimacy is not overrated after years of marriage in my opinion, but then it does depend on who you are married to, you say your marriage is solid so that’s a start, 63 is very young to not be interested,I’m thinking as he has tried pills he must have wanted to at some point.

When you say "not intimate" do refer to sexual intercourse, or do you also mean affectionate touching that has no sexual intent, such as putting his arm around you shoulder, or stroking your hair?

IMO 63 is no time to stop!
Has he any health problems?
Does he have ED? Maybe he doesn't want to admit it, but tell him that you will help him.
If he has, that will make him wary of having repeat failures. Have you discussed this with him?

There are ways of overcoming it. Viagra etc, restrictor rings (Instant results!)
Could you both talk to your GP, or would he be prepared to go alone to talk about it?

Have you tried a "date evening"/ dining and a little wine might relax him.
It helps for you both to be relaxed and unpressurised, as when on holiday.
Try to seduce him, with how you dress (Nothing wrong with older ladies wearing pretty things (Outer and under, or revealing, about the house.)
Don't rush when dressing or undressing. let him enjoy looking and touching.
Encourage him to wash your back, liberally, when you are in the bath or shower.
Compliment him on what a fine body he has.
Try to surprise him with what you are wearing, (or not).. Whisper sweet nothings in his ear.
Don't stick to one time or room in the house.

And remember that success usually breeds success
If you succeed make sure that he enjoys things, praise him and tell him that you do.
Make it fun, so experiment, do all sorts of "naughty" things to encourage him.
Remember what your objective is!

Barmeyoldbat

Oh dear, what can I say. You don’t say how old he is and I think men slow down a great deal with bedroom activity as they get older.

We are both 63 years old

Georgesgran, that is very true. It may even rejuvenate some of his libido.
Katie59, that is the bit that can go missing so I make a point of asking for a cuddle.

My husband is not a naturally affectionate man without the pay off at the end of one but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. He mainly used to instigate the sexual intimacy so I am now instigating the affection.

Lack of intimacy finished my marriage after a similar time, it wasn’t the sex it was not having cuddles that mattered. My sympathy

Loving - not living!!!