Funeral or unattended cremation?

Apparently there's the possibility of a Very Nearly Unattended service. My closest friend has just arranged this for himself. I think about ten mourners, and very early morning.

Had direct cremation for my DH
On the actual day and time myself, my close family and his much loved dogs were in the forest that he loved. A couple of weeks later I had an open house for all those who wanted to celebrate his life. Looking round at family, friends and dogs I was happy I had done what he wanted. I do feel last wishes should be respected.

Grannyticktock, your described mix of ceremony and wake sounds wonderful. We have been discussing our preferred options with our family (who are very reluctant to even think of our demise!), and plan to put our thoughts down on paper so there will be no arguments. We have no faith, or this would not be an option - even as a non-believer, attending the funeral for someone well-known to the church and community can be very moving and, yes, uplifting.

Slightly off topic but I am still raging.

Last Friday my best friend's daughter, whom I have known since she was born, had an appointment with the consultant and surgeon re her imminent bowel cancer surgery. Out of the blue she was told that the cancer had spread to other vital organs, hence the surgery was cancelled and she was offered intensive chemotherapy which MIGHT give her another 2 years or so. - absolutely devastating news.

On Monday morning through my letter box (and therefore also through my friend's and her DD's) came a bright and cheerful, glossy brochure from Golden Charter urging people to pre book their funeral via a local undertaker. It was illustrated with 5 happy, smiley cartoon characters of different ages, with the slogan "One Less Thing to Worry About". To be fair there was a tiny print note apologising if 'this advertising had arrived at an inappropriate time'.

I phoned the Undertaker and Golden Charter, who both explained that these adverts were booked months in advance and were simply a flyer - not personally addressed but both organisations admitted they had never considered the impact the flyer would have on a household where someone was dying or had just died.

I don't think my calls will have any effect, although I felt the better of having made the protest. In general I dislike these adverts on day time TV - aired at that time to catch the attention of the elderly. I don't think that death or future funerals should not be discussed, but do object to the topic being constantly thrust upon us, without concern for those who are currently 'at death's door'

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I’m sorry to disagree with Septima, but in no way do I think an unattended cremation is sweeping it under the carpet. In my opinion it’s simply the wishes of the deceased being carried out and not unfeeling relatives who can’t be bothered with what you might consider a proper funeral. My DH’s last wish was where he wanted his ashes scattered and that’s what we did as our final goodbye.

Every time I see one of those pay-in-advance ads on TV, all I can think of is that they want your money now (to keep for 20 years?)

And what if they go bust?

My Father's view was that family suffer greatly when death comes and to put them through a funeral greatly adds to the suffering.

I posted upthread about the direct cremation we had for my husband, followed by a memorial service. Just picking on a point made in a later post: the funeral director advised us, very wisely, not to just have a party to celebrate his life. People need time to reflect and an opportunity to say their goodbyes, he said, and if you just have a party it can feel inadequate.

So our ceremony was in two parts: the first part was very like a funeral but without any coffin or disposal to deal with. We had some eulogies, readings and music. Then we invited everyone to stay for refreshments and we rearranged the furniture, setting out tables and then getting the drinks poured and food set out. It wasn't so very different from a funeral, except that it was all in one place with a seamless transition from the ceremony to the wake. We all thought it worked very well.

Funeral plans are for the future deceased. What happens after they die is entirely in the hands of the family members.

So my family know what I, while living, would like my funeral to be. Wht they do after I die, is entirely up to them. I will not be around to know anything about it.

If an unattended cremation is what you want, then it's your decision. Just make it clear to everyone that it's your choice.

To me, they always smack of 'sweeping it under the carpet'. It always gives me the impression that the family don't care enough to give the person a proper send off - or that the person feels that they are important enough for one.

Another factor, which won't apply in all cases, is that weddings and funerals are often the only times that families are able to get together, especially if they're scattered around the country.

I arranged an unattended cremation for our auntie it was what she had requested. It’s exactly what I want too I do not like the formality of funerals and I never have.
My family are very busy and they have their own lives to live. I have discussed it with them they say I shouldn’t discuss it as it’s morbid but I think it is important.
I will rest assured they won’t be bothered with funeral arrangements. Our son and daughter will have enough to deal with meaning our house etc. They can cherish their memories that’s what matters to me it’s looking like our friends have the same opinion.

When we arranged DH’s funeral earlier this year, we were advised that many people prefer to have the curtains left open until the congregation have left. I always found the bit at a funeral where the curtains closed mildly distressing, so we had them left open and I was able to go up and whisper a few final words to him on the way out. People who attended have said since that they thought it was a better way to do it.

Until this thread, it’d never occurred to me to discuss what my sons’ views on my funeral are. I know what I want, so does my husband, but I will have a chat with my sons about how they feel about my plans.

Sorry ... i forgot to add that there was a celebration of her life party but, but, but to me it wasn't the same.

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Interestingly I got an email from some Mormon friends this morning which started: "We’ve had a great week highlighted by the funeral for J’s Aunt."

I love thay they used the word "highlighted" in that context. In my experience, Mormons are the people most accepting of death. For them it is not an end but a 'passing' into an immortal existence where they'll rejoin all their dead relatives and friends.

I have never come across an unattended funeral until my best friend died last year, only 55, cancer.

We always discussed which songs we would choose to play at our funerals, she used to say that she could not hold this discussion with anyone else but me.

Then it became reality and to cut cut a very heartbreaking explanation short, she chose not to have a funeral for the fact she wanted to spare everyone an extremely sad, heartbreaking time which was her all over, BUT its left unfurnished if that makes sense? ?. Its like I never got chance to say my goodbyes, yes that sounds VERY selfish and I dont mean it to come across as selfish but I dont know how else to explain it all.

Me personally have everything written down for my own funeral and money put aside and my friends non attendees funeral had just made me realise how much it was needed for people to say their goodbyes..
?

That Jesus "quote" (in inverted commas cos it's likely not a quote) actually strikes me as awfully self-centred because it was, purportedly preceded by "Follow me and let the dead...."

Messiah complex or what ? I'd find a bloke like that nowadays really off-putting.

This will probably be deleted. HQ has to protect us poor little oldies from free speech after all.

Who was it purported to have said "Let the dead bury the dead"?

Oh yeah, Jesus.

I think it would be fine for you to organise unattended cremation for yourself and your husband. Family members can then organise a celebration of your lives for themselves, which the partner "left behind" can attend.

I really like this idea and may suggest it to MrB. Our kids can then do what they like when they like. Knowing them I'm sure the 'remainer' from the marriage would be included.

And the ashes thing can be yet another event depending on what they want to do. One of my daughters has already said she wants to sprinkle my ashes on every continent. I take this as the nicest compliment I've ever had.

What we did recently for our son, who died in September and DH who died in July, was to have a church funeral with the coffin there. The priest did the commendation, etc., then the coffin went to an unattended cremation.
In both cases, the majority of attendees commented on what a good system that had been.
I certainly would suggest it, if you are religious.

I want a green burial.
If I am still singing in choirs when I die, I would love a small group of singers to sing at the event.
If I am still an active churchgoer then a Service in church afterwards would be lovely, if my husband is still alive, but if not, my children would not want that, so it will be up to them.

We are not having funerals and the family have been told that. They can do a memorial party or whatever later.

My children and friends all know I want a quick cremation with the ashes returned to my family. From there onwards they can do what they want. They could have a very public service (which thankfully none of them have expressed a wish for), a great party to say goodbye or a quiet scattering of my ashes. I don’t care as I won’t be around. I am betting my remains will be scattered in the Caribbean Sea so they can make a holiday of it.

A direct cremation, which is what we had for my husband, doesn't mean you can't have some sort of ceremony. You can choose a date and a venue for this that suits everyone, and you don't have to drive to the crem and then back in the cars for the follow-up.

We hired the village hall and had my husband's ashes displayed (in a mini beer keg!) along with a nice photo of him and a display of some of his possessions and things he used in his hobbies etc. We held a ceremony very similar to a funeral, then we put on some lighter music, moved the furniture around and served drinks and food. I think he would have loved what we did and thoroughly approved.

But to return to the original question: you are talking about two different situations. One of you, to put it bluntly, will die first, and the bereaved spouse may have preferences as to what form the funeral should take. By the time the second one of a couple dies, there is no spouse to consider (unless of course there's a remarriage, in which case all bets are off!) and it's really about agreeing something with your children as to what they and you would find appropriate.

I don't think the dying/dead person should have the final say on this. It's easy to say, "Oh I don't want a funeral!", because you won't be there anyway. If it means a lot to your family to hold a ceremony to remember and celebrate you and say their last farewells, then that should be up to them - they are the ones who will have to work through their grief and come to terms with their loss. Don't try to deny them that just because you won't need it yourself.

Only I knew the date and time and I told the family that evening.