Rejected at a stressful time

Hithere, it's a principle of mine that the young woman should offer basic respect to the older woman . And all the more so when the older woman is the children's mother, in which case any man with a moral backbone would insist his daughter is not disrespectful to her mother.

When the ex is disrespecting OP himself?

I blame Chicken's ex for not being angry with his daughters for disrespecting their mother.

My ex is a nurse and he says that at the end he will need me there to nurse him as the children are too busy

Er No! He may well need nursing care, but you don't need to be the one providing it.

Dig deep chicken and find your anger. How dare your ex try to reel you in like this! How dare your children treat you like an interloper. Your children have shown their true colours especially your youngest daughter. Knowledge is power and now you can filter anything they say through your knowledge that they want his money. Just smile and put yourself first. You've certainly earned it.

Think back and remember why your ex became your ex, he won't have changed. Don't demean yourself to become his skivvy for however long he has left and lets be honest he could outlive you. You say he was a nurse too. Would he look after you if you were ill?

I don't know where you live but in my area you can access talking therapies by phone or internet through the nhs, they are free and quickly accessible. Look into this if you would like some help to prioritise yourself.

Spend some time thinking about what you want to do now and please don't give any more headroom or time to these selfish people.

Hi Chicken
I am so sorry you are feeling so hurt and let down by those you have loved and supported all your life, particularly your youngest daughter. With family it can feel like a knife in the heart and jealousy is a dark and toxic thing and can poison all who stand in it's way. How would it feel for you to just step away for a while and pursue what gives you joy from now on and leave these ingrates to fend for themselves and stew in their own juice, they don't deserve you. Bluebelle's last para is brilliant. Wishing you all courage and success in your new life.
I am praying for you.

But it’s so easy to say that Hithere when your neither involved or have the type of personality that is used to putting others first Now I m sure you see that trait as weak but it can simply be that someone who has cared for others nursing and bringing up four children alone for her whole life, has a caring and emotionally softer personality that is used to putting others needs first.
What I would like to say to chicken is this
Why did you divorce ? Think very carefully about this the reason must have been a strong one, no one would take them self out of a good relationship to go it alone with four children
and he is still the same man whether he’s ill or well

I think you should tell each child that they have won and you won’t be remarrying their Dad and that you wish them well in looking after him and then if you can move away do so or if you can’t try and find some ‘selfish’ things to do for yourself
I m aware because of your nature you might well end up feeling you must help him, but only do your turn the work needs to be proportioned out so everyone in the family does their bit

If you become unwell which child will look after you !??? Ask yourself that question

I do wish you well it’s a tough one

OP can very well take herself out of this mess, very fast

The fact that she considered this as a viable reasonable possibility is the issue

That is true, Namsnanny.

I feel very sorry the children have behaved disrespectfully, and even sorrier their father permits them to do so. I wish ChickenB had more moral support , besides from grans at Gransnet.

ChickenB are you feeling any better?

Sad to say if he was honourable his ex, (*chickenbrain*) wouldn't be in this mess.

Hithere, I can see your point of view. What makes the difference is whether or not she likes caring or on the other hand does she feel it as drudgery. You are right though, and she should guard against feeling used by telling him she wants recompence.

A lawyer may be able to suggest a legally drawn up promise from him. If he is an honourable man it should be enough for her to ask him to leave her , for example, twenty thousand pounds in his will.

I do wish people would understand when they suggest counselling, they are recommending a service that has a waiting time of 9 - 18 months on the NHS. Possibly even longer.
Then it will only be 6 appointments.
And will take much soul searching and pain to become beneficial.
Sadly that's not much help to anyone in an immediate
crisis.

The Samaritans are focused on preventing suicide attempts, at that moment.
When the phone goes down and the feelings of desperation grow, what then?

The best thing about posing a problem on GN is the variety, and the immediacy of replies.
The OP can then look at the answers as a whole and decide the next step.

But sometimes I think it's not the advice that Gnetters give that is important.
It's being heard that matters more.

Caleo

If you want to sell your soul for such a less that the bare minimum deal, go ahead.

Being an unpaid carer for a person who is using you - the wear and tear in OP's body is with more than warmth and being fed

It is sad to see how a person's life is valued so little and taken for granted this way.
OP needs to be empowered to be independent as a person, not what she can do for others

PS , Hithere, many people are having to save money on heating and food, and getting worse as the winter comes in. We don't know Chicken's circumstances.

Hithere, she would not be slaving but doing what comes naturally to a nurse and a mother who has been needed by others most of her life.

Caleo

I bet OP is fed and warm now - why would she need to do unrecognized and slave like labour for it?

At the age of 71, when paid work is really not an option, it can be very nice to be of use especially, as Chickenbrain says, she is a nurse and can use her valuable skills on her ex as a private patient, sort of thing. If C moves into his place C will save money on energy and grocery bills. I'd be surprised if Chickenbrain's ex did not want to feed her and keep her warm as the least quid pro quo!

I cannot understand the daughters. They should realise that their mother is a retired lady who may need to save money and have a worthwhile occupation.

I will have to be there at the end to provide end of life care.

No, you won't. He is your ex-husband. Stop pretending that there are all these imperatives that mean you have to stay and be a door mat.

^ No amount of talking to the Samaritans will help me feel less wretched right now^

The Samaritans are there to be a kind voice to talk to in moments when things are overwhelming. Counselling is something else entirely. It is focussed on you and helping you to make sense of your life and make the decisions you want.

The more I read your OP and one response since, the more I get the feeling that perhaps you are not looking for a solution to your problems, but validation from us that what you are doing is the right thing, even though you are so unhappy.

I am afraid, you are not going to get that. Instead you are going to get what you are getting, advice to get counselling, get help and learn to set boundaries so that you can see that your needs should count for as much in your family as everybody elses and that any resolution of your problems must acknowledge this.

if you are in uk, won't he be entitled to nursing care on the nhs in that situation anyway.
i agree with others.
don't make yourself into a doormat.
if they are all you have, you've actually got nothing to lose.
live your own life. try to find yourself. associate only with people and activities which enhance your life.
good luck.

Your kids have told you to butt out and are worried about their inheritance surely they have worked out that your services would be free whereas nurses will cost.

I think you should walk away, your ex is only using you and if the children are that objectionable you are not missing anything trying to cling on to such awful people.

^ at my age I don't have much left^

You are only 71, you could have 20 years of life ahead of you, do you really want to spend it as a sad appendage, trailing behind your ungrateful children and needy EX husband?

Get some therapy and learn to make decisions based on your needs as well as those of your family. Learn to set boundaries, to have the strength to balance your needs against the needs of other people.

Your current life makes you unhappy, your family feel that your place is in the wrong, whatever you do. Isn't it time that you took control of your life rather than putting it in the hands of those, who no matter how close the relationship, do not seem to care about you?

As for tour ex, he is your ex, you have no responsibility for him or his care, especially as his desire to have you back in his life is for entirely selfish reasons.

He asked me. I see everyone thinks I should just walk away but he’s dying!!! And my children would never speak to me again. At my age I don’t have much left.

But your children have given you a hard time since they learned of the possibility of a remarriage. He asked you to remarry but dropped the idea immediately the children objected, so no concern for you there.
You are being used and abused; if you get close to him again through nursing, without any promise of security for your future, you will be doubly bereft on his death.

You need to harden up a great deal and tell you ex to sod off and pay for care and tell your daughter it is none of her business what you do. I can see that you feel you are in a hard and lonely place with no blood family for support and company but you are worth more than being a door mat, go and get some help. Forget the ex

Has your Ex actually told the children that he wants to re-marry you?

I am puzzled by several things you mention Chicken. How long did you bring your family up as a lone parent? Was he contributing his time and money and sharing the care of his family? How come you are back in his life, as his ex. Why do you have to be married to care for him? Surely if he is at end of life, it’s too late for the complications of remarriage. If there is no one there for him you can be. All he has to do is tell the palliative care nurses his wishes.